Problem with being reactive

[sosumba]

Hey guys.
In recent time I have recognised that I have a big problem with being reactive to things people do (when they **** with you subtly or things like that I can become offended) in general and not only ****tests from women. I can ignore a lot but more often than not I become offensive which I know is a bad trait of mine that is quite deeply rooted in my upbringing from a ghetto-like place. I feel like my sense of reality is quite wrapped so I would like to beg for your assitance.

Can you guys please tell me, what things would be acceptable to just ignore from other people and what stuff you absolutely shouldn't ignore? I know some might say be on your purpose so you dont care about what other people say but the question is not about that.

 

[jaymbrs]

Only you can answer that for yourself. Every person has different values. Depends who the "other people" are as well as there is leniency there too.

 

[Serenity]

I kinda get why some people say it's weak to not confront and instead just walk away, but those people have different values than I have. Those people value being validated by others and heavily invest in turning the other person's opinion about them around. Emotionally reacting to people who do something you perceive as wrong will most often become defensive and the situation becomes a stalemate. You'll both be yelling at each other and neither of you are listening, because if you react emotionally then so will probably the other person as well (unless they have the restraint I'll tell you about).

I value my time and don't seek approval from everyone. I have an abundance of approval, but my time in life is limited. If a minority of people want to be a d!ck to me I say they can have at it, I get more in return for walking away and doing something more enjoyable than from trying to win over the occasional d!ckhead.

I used to be very reactive in the past so I have plenty of experience with it. The vast majority of the arguments I got into was just a massive waste of time where I got nothing in return, least of all their approval.

I will usually respond, but I do so in a calm and rational manner. I'll happily discuss it if the other person displays the same level of calmness, rationality and willingness to actively listen. If they lash out I may just silently stand there unreactive and look at them like they're an idiot (which they are), it can be quite amusing in a twisted way to watch a person become completely unhinged. Most of the time if they start reacting they'll become more and more batsh!t crazy the more you don't react like they expect (they expect you to fight back). If at any point it becomes too much for me, I don't find their ape like behavior funny anymore or I feel myself starting to become reactive I'll simply walk away to do something better.

I don't fear confrontations though, I want to be clear on that. If someone doesn't respect that I don't want to fight them and start following me when I'm leaving then they'll taste the full force of my anger until they respect it. That's still not uncontrolled though, I'll switch off the moment they decide to fvck off.

So what not to ignore? When you're "pushed into a corner". What's acceptable? When they disagree, don't like you etc. and you're free to leave (exception if the space is rightly yours and not theirs).

 

[andreihaha]

Hey guys.
In recent time I have recognised that I have a big problem with being reactive to things people do (when they **** with you subtly or things like that I can become offended) in general and not only ****tests from women. I can ignore a lot but more often than not I become offensive which I know is a bad trait of mine that is quite deeply rooted in my upbringing from a ghetto-like place. I feel like my sense of reality is quite wrapped so I would like to beg for your assitance.

Can you guys please tell me, what things would be acceptable to just ignore from other people and what stuff you absolutely shouldn't ignore? I know some might say be on your purpose so you dont care about what other people say but the question is not about that.

You can ignore anything. A more reserved attitude can also make people reconsider their actions. Being calm is an example of power that people feel intimidated by. While anger and violence is a sign of mental impotence.

That's how I am, it's my nature. For others it might be harder. But not impossible with enough self control.

And you should know better what you can tolerate and what you can't. I mean...it's about you.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Hey guys.
In recent time I have recognised that I have a big problem with being reactive to things people do (when they **** with you subtly or things like that I can become offended) in general and not only ****tests from women. I can ignore a lot but more often than not I become offensive which I know is a bad trait of mine that is quite deeply rooted in my upbringing from a ghetto-like place. I feel like my sense of reality is quite wrapped so I would like to beg for your assitance.

Can you guys please tell me, what things would be acceptable to just ignore from other people and what stuff you absolutely shouldn't ignore? I know some might say be on your purpose so you dont care about what other people say but the question is not about that.

There's nothing wrong with feeling disrespected or offended, the mistake is becoming emotional about it. You can ignore and walk but generally you don't want to isolate yourself, you want to mingle and move from room to room in life, it makes you harder to target and gives you eyes and ears everywhere. When you keep this big picture in mind it's much easier to focus on a favorable outcome. You and someone else can hate each other but still communicate well about common goals, find that commonality, it pays dividends. What you tolerate depend on how much of the big picture you see. It's entirely situational so there's no one size fits all list we can provide you.

Try to keep your hands clean as much as you can. By this I mean making your actions seem effortless. This means no anger, no vulgarity, no unnecessary words, no unnecessary fights.

People can usually be swayed to your side of an argument or help you in some way if you appeal to their self interest. Don't think about proving them wrong, that'll just breed resentment, focus on how you can use their self interest to your advantage.

That said some hood folk are really stupid and only understand a good as$ woopin when they keep crossing a line, but even that can be done in a calm, stern, and rational way. I personally only scrap if I'm prepared to really beat the snot out of someone because I take getting physical very seriously and don't want another altercation. Coincidentally this principle makes me more tolerant, more willing to walk rather than fight.

I'm naturally a pretty intense person so I've never had to fight(despite training) because I see it coming a mile off and steer the communication in a better direction(keeping my hands clean). Behave like a king and you'll be treated like one. In any situation ask yourself what a good king would do.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

True power lies in restraint. There are lots of dumb ass people running around saying and doing dumb ass things. If you are easily provoked then the person provoking you holds power over you. Not good.

I do not like to deal with stupid people doing stupid stuff any more than the next person. I have been insulted to my face before and I have had people try a bully or intimidate me before. Long ago I learned to adopt an attitude of engaged bemusement, especially since I am little and as a woman not physically imposing. I do have a certain street smart self assured vibe that creates a presence around me. For whatever reason people tend to treat me with a baseline level of respect far more often than not. I at times have needed to demonstrate calmness & not behave in an emotionally reactive way...and I find this is an unexpected response and it evokes a certain curiosity in people.

I’ve had men say very vulgar things, which is disrespectful on the face of it, but I can restore respect often with my demeanor & how I handle myself (restraint and self respect)...and most often people will follow suit, and I’ve had men apologize once they realize they are dealing with someone who holds herself in high esteem (and requires the same of others.)

And occasionally there is just a person who is such an ass that there is no hope of social influence as described above. From those situations I excuse myself politely and go elsewhere.

Self control and emotional control and restraint are paramount. Cultivate those skills and they will reward you.