Marriage and being faithful...

[EyeBRollin]

Reread the thread bro, he tried to but she rejected all of his attempts lol so it’s not even his fault RIP

Then his best course of action aside from cheating is to sit her down, state his demands and greivances. Tell her the first duty in the house is to be each other's lover and she is failing at that. If her attitude doesn't change, take her to counseling. (Not that counseling works it just is proof that you were committed should **** hit the fan during the divorce) The counselor will say the exact same thing and if she still doesn't shape up the options become cheat or divorce plain and simple.

 

[BeExcellent]

Look guys.

Talking isn’t going to work. @scarface701 and the Mrs have talked this to death already. They are both clinicians/physicians and are well accustomed to examining things. She is perfectly comfortable talking. She is perfectly comfortable with the marriage counselor. She is perfectly safe examining everything. She is TOO rational. That IMO is the issue.

Now. It’s also one of the reasons he loves her. She’s super smart, gets him intellectually and is rational. She’s also hot. He can easily have 16 other women chasing him (the Doctor) but he will be bored outside the bedroom. Hence why he is here trying to figure out how best or IF to straddle the fence. She’s not replaceable in 90% of what he wants, maybe 95%.

So. Let’s run with the set of assumptions above. There is a way to get her out of her head. It is through action. Surely there is something...something she finds exciting.

Does she like to dance? Does she birdwatch, does she play tennis? Does she sing? Play piano? Does she ski? What activities is she passionate about? What are you passionate about?

You guys are missing each other in the emotional realm. Therefore you feel dissatisfied and disconnected. It has to do with you as well as her.

I’ll give you the same reading suggestion as I recently gave someone else.

Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, PhD.

You guys are where you are sexually in your marriage for a reason. It is much deeper than you being bored. Much deeper. You already know that.

Get the book. Read it and consider carefully its message & tools before you do anything drastic.

Sometimes when we are stuck it’s best to figure out how to get unstuck but keep things intact rather than breaking our lives apart.

Read the book. You will see your relationship in those pages I promise you.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Then his best course of action aside from cheating is to sit her down, state his demands and greivances. Tell her the first duty in the house is to be each other's lover and she is failing at that. If her attitude doesn't change, take her to counseling. (Not that counseling works it just is proof that you were committed should **** hit the fan during the divorce) The counselor will say the exact same thing and if she still doesn't shape up the options become cheat or divorce plain and simple.

He did all that too homie

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Man I swear, every time this woman posts, the content of the words themselves are sound but the nuances are all inverted and it changes the entire message completely *eyeroll* it’s akin to “let’s eat, dad” vs “let’s eat dad” lol. One might say I’m arguing over semantics, but only because they don’t realize (or rather, choose to ignore) that nuance ≠ semantics, which again, is an inverted nuance. Sigh...

 

[BeExcellent]

@ImTheDoubleGreatest! There is no double speak whatsoever in my content. OP is in a marriage with a woman he loves and is weighing his options. One of his options is to consider seriously the dynamic he and his wife have created through time.

You are an intelligent young man. But you are not married, not in a serious relationship and you cannot fathom the intricacies of this man’s marriage. It’s like being a parent and having people without children trying to advise you about parenting. It is the height of arrogance. People who haven’t been married cannot fully comprehend what marriage is. It’s not part of your life experience yet.

None of us can understand all his details for they are unique to him and his wife. Some of what you say has merit but in your arrogance you do not realize that your advise could actually cause harm.

That is why he is best advised to consider his situation thoughtfully and explore avenues that perhaps he had not previously.

He is a well educated man who lives and works with his spouse, I would guess they share a medical practice. These things are not easily unwound and decisions carry weight in a situation like this.

You are welcome to lampoon me as is your habit but I trust that OP has the wisdom and intelligence & judgement to discern what next he should do. If anything.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

you cannot fathom the intricacies of this man’s marriage.

Let me stop you right there. I kinda *can* ‘fathom the intricacies’ lol because so far I’ve been spot-on in nearly all of my assumptions. It’s not like there’s no reason behind them and I just happened to be right, I’ve already given my reasoning as to why I made the inferences I did. Small subtle details can give away a lot, and while none of them by themselves mean much, together they explain everything. The sum is larger than the whole. And even though I haven’t been in a marriage myself, I have experienced all of the different parts that are in a marriage. And let’s not forget, we still can experience a little bit of life through others. Social skills, and all that.

OP has a sort of lackadaisical, nonchalant attitude towards this whole thing anyway, I don’t think he’ll do anything unless another woman quite literally throws herself into his lap, so you don’t need to get all flustered at him/this.

 

[BeExcellent]

Not flustered at all. Not at all. Carry on.

Cheers

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Like I said, he’s only got one option really: cheat.

The only other thing that I can think of is to develop a huge, fun, and exciting social circle full of cool friends that he can hang out with whenever he wants so that he can rely on them for fun rather than his wife. That way he can ‘scratch that itch’ with them and no longer be bored in his life anymore without having to resort to cheating on his wife. But those days are long gone, no one has real friends anymore. Especially not with how things are in the world currently.

We really should go back to collectivism.

The other option was to leave

 

[metalwater]

Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, PhD.

that book is good, although can be not easy to get from a guy perspective. i read it when you suggested it before and appreciated the idea.

are you familiar with http://deida.info/the-way-of-the-superior-man/. could be a better fit for this and more directed at a guy.. imo.

both can be found in torrents. but there is something else in this case... can't perceive it..

maybe the whole red pill plan... minus the parts designed to stop abuse. the rest is really all about self improvement. i can't get a feel from this thread of the SMV balance(he might be a 9 and her 9.5). regardless raising the same for the man, should affect this situation. can be a case where there just is no feeling of urgency due to no need, at the same time energy can likely flow to this girl any time/place she likes. she can be physically loyal but still not ..... the mind of a guy just is not as fast about all of this, what would be obvious to you can completely not be even noticed by a man. the man can think all is fine, and when that happens looking closer is difficult as we know everything is fine already.

then we start thinking that maybe it is just us, and we are just like that or in some way our fault.

ever seen a show called outlander, it is an excellent presentation of how a gir.. um lady might view a good situation and also what makes her happy. the complicated part is in the answers..

the question in this thread seems very genuine.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

The other option was to leave

With cheating first? What’s the point in that if cheating would cause her to eventually leave?

To hell with that. Cheat first, ask questions later lol

 

[mrgoodstuff]

With cheating first? What’s the point in that if cheating would cause her to eventually leave?

To hell with that. Cheat first, ask questions later lol

I was saying he can leave. If he cheats and stops sex with her he might learn something. It's advise from the negative side of life but alot of it works.

 

[BeExcellent]

that book is good, although can be not easy to get from a guy perspective. i read it when you suggested it before and appreciated the idea.

are you familiar with http://deida.info/the-way-of-the-superior-man/. could be a better fit for this and more directed at a guy.. imo.

both can be found in torrents. but there is something else in this case... can't perceive it..

maybe the whole red pill plan... minus the parts designed to stop abuse. the rest is really all about self improvement. i can't get a feel from this thread of the SMV balance(he might be a 9 and her 9.5). regardless raising the same for the man, should affect this situation. can be a case where there just is no feeling of urgency due to no need, at the same time energy can likely flow to this girl any time/place she likes. she can be physically loyal but still not ..... the mind of a guy just is not as fast about all of this, what would be obvious to you can completely not be even noticed by a man. the man can think all is fine, and when that happens looking closer is difficult as we know everything is fine already.

then we start thinking that maybe it is just us, and we are just like that or in some way our fault.

ever seen a show called outlander, it is an excellent presentation of how a gir.. um lady might view a good situation and also what makes her happy. the complicated part is in the answers..

the question in this thread seems very genuine.

The book is a meaty read. It is about marriages that reach a crisis, as all marriages do. It is about how and why those relationships reach a crisis point and about the normalcy of it and how our sexuality is affected by things we might think are unrelated.

I cannot say whether The Way of the Superior Man deals with the entanglements that occur in marriage...but the OP seems to be in such a crucible in his. Passionate Marriage deals head on with exactly these matters. I keep a copy on my bedside table and I found it useful as my own marriage was unraveling. I believe the OP might greatly benefit from the insights in the book based on what he has shared. It certainly won’t hurt and might help.

Now. If his spouse refuses to make the journey with him to resolve this very real issue? That is the decision point where he must decide to stay status quo, cheat with its inherent risks, or divorce. None of those three choices are as optimal as resolving the issue within the marriage...

 

[RickTheToad]

Slippery slope dude. Chances are, you'll get caught. Ladies can sniff this sh it out if you are not careful 100% of the time. Then you have to concern yourself with the repercussions. How would you feel if other dudes were sticking their d icks in her and filling her up? How about a divorce? How about an open marriage? If you are not happy with your marriage, no surprising, but it may cost a lot for a little bit of side action. Talk to her. You'd be amazed what talking can do in a relationship.

 

[Lookatu]

There's a lot of valid points in all of the posts here.

One thing I'm curious about from OP and maybe I missed it, but when you separated the first time, what made you get back together?

Also I know both of you talked about this issue at ad nauseum but is your wife doing ANYTHING to actually LISTEN to you and have any empathy in what you're going through and trying to step up her efforts? Or is she being more selfish and or trying to deny there is anything wrong, or you're the one with the problem.

Also, if the sex is the only thing lacking in your marriage and both of you agree with that assessment, have you tried exploring a possible open type relationship with some hard rules? This could be a compromise and an alternative to divorce if everything else is great between you guys.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

There's a lot of valid points in all of the posts here.

One thing I'm curious about from OP and maybe I missed it, but when you separated the first time, what made you get back together?

Also I know both of you talked about this issue at ad nauseum but is your wife doing ANYTHING to actually LISTEN to you and have any empathy in what you're going through and trying to step up her efforts? Or is she being more selfish and or trying to deny there is anything wrong, or you're the one with the problem.

Also, if the sex is the only thing lacking in your marriage and both of you agree with that assessment, have you tried exploring a possible open type relationship with some hard rules? This could be a compromise and an alternative to divorce if everything else is great between you guys.

It could be. My prediction is with that level of control in the bedroom she has a high level of control elsewhere in the relationship.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

It could be. My prediction is with that level of control in the bedroom she has a high level of control elsewhere in the relationship.

I see you kept your mouth shut. Now when they have hubby "locked out" or "locked in position", often times than not there is another who can slide in at a higher level with less restrictions...

 

[Georgepithyou]

Ok OP i take back what i Said, if she isn't putting the effort in then bang those sloots just make surw to wrap it up. (Safety first)

 

[scarface701]

Open relationship not happening.

There is a clear give and take in relationships... or there should be... I do something for you... you do something nice for me. And we continue down the road as a happy couple.

However, in my marriage for example... the other night she came in and asked if I’d make her popcorn. I’ve made it for her the last 2 nights on the stove top and so I jokingly said... you know there is a bit of a process to this... so how about I get a BJ and then I make you popcorn. She said no thanks. I’ll just go without.

So I said.... do you see how instead of us both sitting here happy we are now both sitting here unhappy and without what we wanted?

She just got pissy and so finally I said, our sex life is totally boring and I need more or I’m not going to continue doing this. (I’ve told her this over and over for years). Of course it turned in to this huge deal how I am not sensitive enough... I don’t try hard enough and on and on how it was all my fault. Then I reminded her how I’ve done all that in the past and she said...”you’re always unhappy”.

 

[scarface701]

Ok OP i take back what i Said, if she isn't putting the effort in then bang those sloots just make surw to wrap it up. (Safety first)

Ha ha unfortunately I think statements above are correct. I think it’s kind of pointless to stay married while banging others... If things don’t change soon I’ll move for a final time.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Ha ha unfortunately I think statements above are correct. I think it’s kind of pointless to stay married while banging others... If things don’t change soon I’ll move out for a 3rd and final time.

Does she have any female friends with a good sexlife?