Got slapped on second date

[mrgoodstuff]

Have I ever raised my voice to my own children, in order to get their attention, or to be heard over other noise or loud talking? Absolutely, but that isn't yelling at them. Yelling at someone is raising your voice in anger at them. I don't do that. It's pointless, and it makes the yeller look weak.

Also, I never consider a paddling an effective punishment. It never worked on me. That isn't to say that I haven't done it, but it's most effective use is in getting the full attention of the child(or woman), so that proper correction can be administered; proper correction requires the full cooperation and compliance of the person being corrected. That's what works for me. For me, the spanking was always the last resort, to gain the full attention of the subject of correction, but not in itself adequate correction. It's best to not need to, but for them to know you will. Ideally, you shouldn't need to use physical punishment on a child older than 5(10 tops). If you still need to hit your 15 year old children, to gain their attention and cooperation, you haven't established control of your own family. Stake the elephant early.

You administer those to get their full attention, then you explain to them why you had to do that. My children are passed that age. And I didn't whip them very often at all. But if they could've gotten themselves killed and didn't realize it, I will whoop them so that I can ge ttheir attention and explain that could've killed you.

There are many other ways of administering discipline and punishment, to make whipping completely illegal, I don't agree. And I do agree some families are addicted to violence and whoop their children all the time, most of the time it's to make themselves "feel better".

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Violated by women and children? With women...I don't know...I've never HAD to raise my voice, to get my point across. If I'm angry, I tend to start speaking to them more slowly, and my voice becomes much more serious. I tend to only have two modes with women and children...playful and annoyed. They never fail to notice when I shift from playful to annoyed. Usually, they start crying before I even notice I've made the shift. No yelling, though...just deadly serious.

When I'm really upset my voice lowers, slows right down and I speak in stilted robot speech. I've been told I go ancient formal too, using olde english words(probably from studying Shakespeare)
It must make me sound like I'm trying to be superior but its just me vibrating trying to retain a civilised presence. lol at myself

 

[derby1]

welcome to the next generation of women, patrice O Neil did a great episode on this, 15 years back....

basically women have got such an imaginary force field round them due to society.

my daughters mom is a prime example when she drives her car, she is raging at anyone and everyone if they don't quite drive or respond quick enough.

absolutely sickening , I had words with her recently, you could tell this ***** hadnt been told the word "No" for a decade

 

[Alvafe]

serious 2 pages and no one said the most sensible thing he should do in this case?

with is get up and leave without talking with her.

you guys need to undertand, she does this its funny, if YOU do this you will agro a huge number of white knights in the vicinity, in both cases its not a good thing for you, tolerating this as a joke is something you want to become the norm

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Sounds like your amygdala switches your brain into safe mode, and powers down non-essential functions. I think that's pretty standard, even if the expression of it is a little peculiar("Spock mode"?); speaking directly and clearly is an effort to avoid further miscommunication.

The only time in recent history when I started shouting at someone, it was a deliberate act, because I had an employee flipping out, and speaking to him calmly wasn't working. He was acting like he wanted to get into a fight; so, I could let him hurt someone, or I could call the police(and let them possibly hurt him), or I could mirror his behavior, and see if he really wanted to get into a fight, or whether his tantrum was just an effort to draw attention to his grievance(his shift supervisor kept changing his schedule without consulting him or something like that). After quickly assessing that I wasn't getting through to him, I started making a bigger scene than he was making, and he seemed shocked back to his senses, and backed down. He was just an overgrown kid, and wanted to know he was being taken seriously, but he had everyone scared half to death with his rampaging bull elephant routine; someone else would've just had him hauled out in cuffs, and let him cool down in a jail cell. He got lucky, but he doesn't work for me, anymore(too much drama).

woo, bit of a risk there but I can see that working. In the non violent crisis intervention course they teach trying to isolate them and give them time to talk everything out. Your mirroring was good but didn't work, he was too far gone....well done, you solved it with your own, more dominant display.
Geez, what a reason he lost his cool for.
Glad he's not working for ya anymore.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

He's an emotionally volatile guy. Very big. Very strong. But, usually very gregarious. He's one of those guys who looks like a grizzly bear, but acts like a teddy bear, 99% of the time. No self-control, though, and does have a few prior arrests for violent offenses...but there was usually a woman and/or alcohol involved. I was betting that he didn't really want to fight, but only wanted to deal with someone WILLING to fight him. I didn't want to fight him, either. He's half my age and twice my size...but, if I had to, I would. Nothing else was working, anyway, and I didn't want to get him arrested, if I didn't have to. I did feel like a complete ass, at the time, though. I never act like that....not since I was a kid, anyway.

that's cool you didn't want him arrested

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Violated by women and children? With women...I don't know...I've never HAD to raise my voice, to get my point across. If I'm angry, I tend to start speaking to them more slowly, and my voice becomes much more serious. I tend to only have two modes with women and children...playful and annoyed. They never fail to notice when I shift from playful to annoyed. Usually, they start crying before I even notice I've made the shift. No yelling, though...just deadly serious.

So your wife without telling you spends $850 out of your joint account or your account. Now the mortgage will be two weeks too late. You mention it to her. And she non chalantly says "so. Not my problem". Triggering you as a human being and you raise your tone "Not my problem!". People do end up yelling. You need to determine why before acting as if it's an initiating action. Because the wifes action and statement was much more abusive than the yell.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

So your wife without telling you spends $850 out of your joint account or your account. Now the mortgage will be two weeks too late. You mention it to her. And she non chalantly says "so. Not my problem". Triggering you as a human being and you raise your tone "Not my problem!". People do end up yelling. You need to determine why before acting as if it's an initiating action. Because the wifes action and statement was much more abusive than the yell.

what's a positive memory now?


(tell me to 'fvk off, Lynx-I don't want to remember good wife with money memories')

 

[mrgoodstuff]

what's a positive memory now?


(tell me to 'fvk off, Lynx-I don't want to remember good wife with money memories')

Forget about the old. It's about making new memories. Treating our selves well.

I was making an example how your relationship partner can "violate" you causing you to yell.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Forget about the old. It's about making new memories. Treating our selves well.

I was making an example how your relationship partner can "violate" you causing you to yell.

oops, ok.
Just read like it was your memory, my bad.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

oops, ok.
Just read like it was your memory, my bad.

Lol i do have that experience. But its back in the past.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

I can't relate to that scenario, because I've never shared an account with my wife...probably precisely because I can't be mad at my wife for something I never gave her the opportunity to do.

My objection to yelling at women and children isn't that it's abusive, but that it looks weak, like you're not in self-possession. Heck, I get accused of being a control freak, which is meant to be an accusation of "abuse"(I think). I'm not exactly Mr Sensitive; I just don't like to give the appearance that I lack self-control.

I get it, though: if your wife can't push you buttons, who can? But, I don't give people(not even my wife) the opportunity to continue to disappoint or irritate me, to the point of flipping out.

It used to make my wife crazy that she couldn't get me to lose my shiit. I think she thought it meant I didn't care. I finally convinced her that she'd know when I didn't care, because I'd stop coming home, but I'm not going to flip out just so she knows I care. I think that's crazy. However, I have put her over my knee when she needs it, but never with shouting and a red face, not in anger, just....shaking my head.

you spanked your wife? not bedroom related reasons?

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Lol i do have that experience. But its back in the past.

so is a good memory but you only share the bad wife ones not the good wife ones, except for yesterday, good job again.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I can't relate to that scenario, because I've never shared an account with my wife...probably precisely because I can't be mad at my wife for something I never gave her the opportunity to do.

My objection to yelling at women and children isn't that it's abusive, but that it looks weak, like you're not in self-possession. Heck, I get accused of being a control freak, which is meant to be an accusation of "abuse"(I think). I'm not exactly Mr Sensitive; I just don't like to give the appearance that I lack self-control.

I get it, though: if your wife can't push your buttons, who can? But, I don't give people(not even my wife) the opportunity to continue to disappoint or irritate me, to the point of flipping out.

It used to make my wife crazy that she couldn't get me to lose my shiit. I think she thought it meant I didn't care. I finally convinced her that she'd know when I didn't care, because I'd stop coming home, but I'm not going to flip out just so she knows I care. I think that's crazy. However, I have put her over my knee when she needs it, but never with shouting and a red face, not in anger, just....shaking my head.

Agree. Yelling means you lost control thus weakening you. And the cold heart one who triggered it "wins" the interaction.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

That's right.

First time I heard of that, aren't you a western man? Sincerely, truly not judging you my friend. I just feel a little shocked. Did that work? Well it must have, you're still married.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

so is a good memory but you only share the bad wife ones not the good wife ones, except for yesterday, good job again.

Well your right. I got some good wife stories of honor and loyalty and having my back.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Well your right. I got some good wife stories of honor and loyalty and having my back.

awww, nice to read, balance

 

[mrgoodstuff]

awww, nice to read, balance

I better focus on those and only allow it in my future.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

I better focus on those and only allow it in my future.

good job, just trying to send back good karma, good flowstate for helping me with kind words, thanks again

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Very Western, yes. Speaking of Western men, try watching 'McLintock!'

ok