Need advice from Single Fathers!

[Baibars]

Hi Guys,

My ex ( baby momma) moved to my town. In one month i have an appointment at the youth welfare office regarding the pick up time of my kids. I contacted the office because i couldnt come to terms with my ex.
Her disrespect didnt occur on its own, i definetly contributed to that bad behaviour, i admit that. But since i'm aware of all that stuff i had no other choice. Couldnt allow her to use me as a doormat anymore, or any disrespect.

Currently im not talking to her. She insulted me via text, claims im the worst father even though i picked up my kids from 120 miles away for 2 years every second weekend. She had not enough money to pay rent one time even though she gets every fcking support from the state and i borrowed it to her ( now she wont pay that back ).
I really tried to find a solution with her without the state involved but she constantly tried to dump the kids on me. For example i take them on the weekends and sunday i get a message like:

'' I'm away the whole day, if you wanna deliver the kids you have to call and ask me when you can bring them ''

I called her and then she insulted me and told me that i never have the kids and im an ******* for trying to deliver them blabla.
Later i found out she took the car of her mum and was away the whole weekend ( probaby with her fbuddy ).

I can deal with that far better now thanks to some users here who helped me. Im just telling you that so you can have a better idea of my situation.
Her only power over me are the kids now and she knows that. She always says im not responsible father but she knows i am because if not she couldnt use them against me.

The situation is stressful and hard for me. I neglected my career and myself for years in order to make the family thing happen. Now i know that it was wrong and im working on myself. I finally broke out of my old loser self thanks to this forum.

I'm afraid of the appointment and that the responsible person at the youth welfare office will try to team up with my ex and cut off my balls.. Any tips on how i should act there?

 

[R.U.G.]

Hi Guys,

My ex ( baby momma) moved to my town. In one month i have an appointment at the youth welfare office regarding the pick up time of my kids. I contacted the office because i couldnt come to terms with my ex.
Her disrespect didnt occur on its own, i definetly contributed to that bad behaviour, i admit that. But since i'm aware of all that stuff i had no other choice. Couldnt allow her to use me as a doormat anymore, or any disrespect.

Currently im not talking to her. She insulted me via text, claims im the worst father even though i picked up my kids from 120 miles away for 2 years every second weekend. She had not enough money to pay rent one time even though she gets every fcking support from the state and i borrowed it to her ( now she wont pay that back ).
I really tried to find a solution with her without the state involved but she constantly tried to dump the kids on me. For example i take them on the weekends and sunday i get a message like:

'' I'm away the whole day, if you wanna deliver the kids you have to call and ask me when you can bring them ''

I called her and then she insulted me and told me that i never have the kids and im an ******* for trying to deliver them blabla.
Later i found out she took the car of her mum and was away the whole weekend ( probaby with her fbuddy ).

I can deal with that far better now thanks to some users here who helped me. Im just telling you that so you can have a better idea of my situation.
Her only power over me are the kids now and she knows that. She always says im not responsible father but she knows i am because if not she couldnt use them against me.

The situation is stressful and hard for me. I neglected my career and myself for years in order to make the family thing happen. Now i know that it was wrong and im working on myself. I finally broke out of my old loser self thanks to this forum.

I'm afraid of the appointment and that the responsible person at the youth welfare office will try to team up with my ex and cut off my balls.. Any tips on how i should act there?

A bit late, but good advice is usually hindsight 20/20, as in, don't become one.

 

[Baibars]

A bit late, but good advice is usually hindsight 20/20, as in, don't become one.

Thanks for the great advice. Makes me feel way better

 

[Barrister]

Thanks for the great advice. Makes me feel way better

I don't know anything about "R.U.G." but I am guessing he has no children. He is certainly entitled to his opinion but it is one I do not share. As a single father myself, I do regret marrying my ex-wife, but I absolutely regret nothing when it comes to my daughter. She is my #1 priority no matter what and is the best thing I have in my life - I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Here is my advice: contact an attorney in your state if you haven't already. She is clearly taking advantage of your generosity because you are letting her and you could be much more forceful than you are being to have things play out to your benefit. The only person between the the two of you who is going to look after YOUR interests is YOU. So start doing that. Obviously, never make a decision that clearly puts your kids at detriment, BUT stop making decisions solely to help out your ex. She can't make rent? That's too bad. Don't give her money, but DO take your kids to your place until she gets her sh1t together and let her owe you child support during that time - not the other way around.

Good luck to you, brother.

 

[R.U.G.]

Thanks for the great advice. Makes me feel way better

Happy to help!

 

[Black Widow Void]

Admittedly, I'm not qualified to speak on your subject matter but I'd like to offer a suggestion.

The mother sounds like the type that might speak ill of you toward your kids. I'm not stating that she has, but this is a "just in case" suggestion.

It might be tempting to retaliate and do the same ... or probe the kids for incriminating evidence... or say something that you know will get back to their mother.
Don't do it.

I say this as a kid that grew up in that environment (which is quite common among kids growing up with separate parents) . It's likely that they'll see through the hidden motives and when they get older, they will remember who was rational and who used them as a pawn.

 

[glass half full]

Mauser's advice is spot-on.
I had that problem initially after the D.
My ex is a self-entitled W***e. She only had rights to see my girl every other weekend. But came for her every weekend. I said nothing.
I know my ex. She will bury herself soon enough.
She made all kinds of shytty comments about me, etc. my girl would break down in tears.
Finally my girl (@15yo) asked me straight up "Dad, what really happened, I want the truth". I said I'm not sure you're ready.
She said I am, tell me. So I did, the whole truth. My screw-up, and My ex's many screw-ups and plotting with friends/cow-workers...
My daughter didn't get past 2006, she'd heard enough.
Next time, her mom started in, instead of crying, my girl stood up for me...even asked her "why did you pull the tv down on dad's head and just walk away?
Her respomnse- "It wasn't that big of a Tv..." priceless...
She said "it must have been heavy, he had to put it in a separate trash recepticle by itself so the trashman would take it...

Now, after more dissention, she knows how her mom and friends really are, and doesn't go to see them anymore. Not even @ holidays.
Women make their own beds eventually, let them. And be wiser in your choices from now on.

 

[Baibars]

Mauser's advice is spot-on.
I had that problem initially after the D.
My ex is a self-entitled W***e. She only had rights to see my girl every other weekend. But came for her every weekend. I said nothing.
I know my ex. She will bury herself soon enough.
She made all kinds of shytty comments about me, etc. my girl would break down in tears.
Finally my girl (@15yo) asked me straight up "Dad, what really happened, I want the truth". I said I'm not sure you're ready.
She said I am, tell me. So I did, the whole truth. My screw-up, and My ex's many screw-ups and plotting with friends/cow-workers...
My daughter didn't get past 2006, she'd heard enough.
Next time, her mom started in, instead of crying, my girl stood up for me...even asked her "why did you pull the tv down on dad's head and just walk away?
Her respomnse- "It wasn't that big of a Tv..." priceless...
She said "it must have been heavy, he had to put it in a separate trash recepticle by itself so the trashman would take it...

Now, after more dissention, she knows how her mom and friends really are, and doesn't go to see them anymore. Not even @ holidays.
Women make their own beds eventually, let them. And be wiser in your choices from now on.

What a crazy woman.
It's good that you had your daughter instead of her. My problem is that i'm far away from having my sh*t together. I gave up my power for too long for the illusion of a happy family even when it was over for a long time and i woke up just a few months ago.
I will take that advice and try to remain calm.

 

[glass half full]

What a crazy woman.
It's good that you had your daughter instead of her. My problem is that i'm far away from having my sh*t together. I gave up my power for too long for the illusion of a happy family even when it was over for a long time and i woke up just a few months ago.
I will take that advice and try to remain calm.

You can do it...I wasn't able to recognize it overnight. I had never had a relationship w/ someone like that. A lot of stuff happened, I was so naive, yet outnumbered/overpowered that I just didn't understand, at the beginning. Gaslighted...

But do your homework and what ever else is necessary to change it up. Rome wasn't built overnight, but we don't get any younger either. That, is my biggest regret is having to hang in there til my kid was of age (in my state) to get custody. Men don't easily get custody where I live.

 

[derby1]

my daughters mom failed to turn up to mediation 3 times she had no respect for the court system, women also have this solipsism where they refer to YOUR child as HER child......

our judge made her do 60 hours community service, for putting the court into disrepute

 

[lamath]

Be respectful to everyone involved. Let her be a petty vindictive biatch.

Give her enough rope to hang herself

This.
I kind of have similar situation from time to time from ex too
I ignore her ****, she just want a reaction from you dont engage or anwser.
Your kids will end up seeing how well you handles things and will respect you for it.

 

[glass half full]

my daughters mom failed to turn up to mediation 3 times she had no respect for the court system, women also have this solipsism where they refer to YOUR child as HER child......

our judge made her do 60 hours community service, for putting the court into disrepute

OMG that's funny...things must be starting to change in the legal system. About time..

 

[derby1]

OMG that's funny...things must be starting to change in the legal system. About time..

sadly not this was 8 years ago, i just had an old school judge that day. women are worshipped in the UK

 

[Scars]

I went through something similar with my baby mama once we broke up and she started dating someone else. I know every single time she gets a new boyfriend because when I have my daughter, her mom will start making up excuses about why she can't pick her up and will keep trying to push it back 1 more day, sometimes 2, even 3. Of course if I called her out on her bull****, I was the bad guy.

What I started doing is eliminating any excuse or negative thing she could say about me until there was nothing left for her to complain about.

If she wanted to drop off my daughter in the middle of the week and leave her with me for 3 extra days, I said ok great. I work from home and my schedule is flexible anyway. Instead of seeing it as "She's only dropping her off to go party or get some d!ck", I started thinking of it as "Cool, now I have more time with my daughter."

I started giving her $100 every week. I used to keep receipts, and track of items I bought her, such as clothes, food etc.. I quickly learned that doing this just instigates a fight, every single time. Now I just throw $100 at her every week for "child support", and it shuts her up. I make pretty good money, so it's not a huge sacrifice to me. It's a small price to pay to keep the peace. I even pay her on weeks where I don't see my daughter, even though TECHNICALLY we have a signed agreement that says I'm only supposed to pay her the weeks I see her.

I also NEVER speak negatively about her in front of my daughter. Trust me, I have A LOT of nasty things to say about this woman, but I will never let it fall on my daughters ears. I know she talks bad about me to her sometimes, but that is something I cannot control. One day your kid will grow up and be able to connect the dots for themselves. Just be the best father you can be and let the child draw their own conclusions. If you talk trash about your kids mom in front of the child, it's a lose-lose situation either way.. think however you want about her, but keep it to yourself. And NEVER fight or argue in front of them either.

Learn to swallow your pride.. trust me, I know it's difficult, and it goes against pretty much everything this forum stands for.. but you must understand, you and your baby mama are done. She is not a plate you are trying to fvck. She is in the PAST. Swallowing your pride and being agreeable (even in times it doesn't make sense) for your children is NOT weak, and if she thinks you're "weak" for it, then fvck her. Her opinion doesn't matter. You're allowed to be soft when it comes to your kids. Stand your ground when it's necessary, and fight for the things you absolutely believe in.. but most fights with baby mamas are over dumb **** or ego. The last fight I had with mine she was demanding an apology for something I said.. and I'm the most ignorant person on the planet. I told her to fvck off, and ignored her for a week. But she wasn't letting me see my daughter, so I just apologized (even though I wasn't sorry and meant every word I said), but I did it just to keep the peace. Pick and choose your battles.. most of the baby mama drama is over dumb **** or ego. Just say sorry and move on. It could be 100% her fault, but she still wants YOU to apologize.. just do it, and move on. You're stuck with this woman for the rest of the child's life, so you may as well try to make the most of it.

So basically my main advice is to just try and be civil.. it takes time and doesn't happen over night. But if you start to be more agreeable, she should start to mirror that. You're gonna have to take the initiative though, because BM love drama and talking trash.. stop giving them sh!t to talk about and let them take their frustration on a co-worker or some other innocent bystander instead.

Just be the best man and father you can be, your child and BM will start to recognize it eventually.

 

[glass half full]

I went through something similar with my baby mama once we broke up and she started dating someone else. I know every single time she gets a new boyfriend because when I have my daughter, her mom will start making up excuses about why she can't pick her up and will keep trying to push it back 1 more day, sometimes 2, even 3. Of course if I called her out on her bull****, I was the bad guy.

What I started doing is eliminating any excuse or negative thing she could say about me until there was nothing left for her to complain about.

If she wanted to drop off my daughter in the middle of the week and leave her with me for 3 extra days, I said ok great. I work from home and my schedule is flexible anyway. Instead of seeing it as "She's only dropping her off to go party or get some d!ck", I started thinking of it as "Cool, now I have more time with my daughter."

I started giving her $100 every week. I used to keep receipts, and track of items I bought her, such as clothes, food etc.. I quickly learned that doing this just instigates a fight, every single time. Now I just throw $100 at her every week for "child support", and it shuts her up. I make pretty good money, so it's not a huge sacrifice to me. It's a small price to pay to keep the peace. I even pay her on weeks where I don't see my daughter, even though TECHNICALLY we have a signed agreement that says I'm only supposed to pay her the weeks I see her.

I also NEVER speak negatively about her in front of my daughter. Trust me, I have A LOT of nasty things to say about this woman, but I will never let it fall on my daughters ears. I know she talks bad about me to her sometimes, but that is something I cannot control. One day your kid will grow up and be able to connect the dots for themselves. Just be the best father you can be and let the child draw their own conclusions. If you talk trash about your kids mom in front of the child, it's a lose-lose situation either way.. think however you want about her, but keep it to yourself. And NEVER fight or argue in front of them either.

Learn to swallow your pride.. trust me, I know it's difficult, and it goes against pretty much everything this forum stands for.. but you must understand, you and your baby mama are done. She is not a plate you are trying to fvck. She is in the PAST. Swallowing your pride and being agreeable (even in times it doesn't make sense) for your children is NOT weak, and if she thinks you're "weak" for it, then fvck her. Her opinion doesn't matter. You're allowed to be soft when it comes to your kids. Stand your ground when it's necessary, and fight for the things you absolutely believe in.. but most fights with baby mamas are over dumb **** or ego. The last fight I had with mine she was demanding an apology for something I said.. and I'm the most ignorant person on the planet. I told her to fvck off, and ignored her for a week. But she wasn't letting me see my daughter, so I just apologized (even though I wasn't sorry and meant every word I said), but I did it just to keep the peace. Pick and choose your battles.. most of the baby mama drama is over dumb **** or ego. Just say sorry and move on. It could be 100% her fault, but she still wants YOU to apologize.. just do it, and move on. You're stuck with this woman for the rest of the child's life, so you may as well try to make the most of it.

So basically my main advice is to just try and be civil.. it takes time and doesn't happen over night. But if you start to be more agreeable, she should start to mirror that. You're gonna have to take the initiative though, because BM love drama and talking trash.. stop giving them sh!t to talk about and let them take their frustration on a co-worker or some other innocent bystander instead.

Just be the best man and father you can be, your child and BM will start to recognize it eventually.

Good for you, bro. That's the best way to handle it.

 

[logicallefty]

Agree with others, try to be civil with her. Being civil to your baby mama doesn't make you a simp, it makes you smart. A few tips:

- Try to do everything in writing like text, Email, FB, etc. Avoid phone calls and verbal conversations as much as you can. They mean nothing. If it isn't in writing, then it either didn't happen at all or didn't happen in your favor. Adopt that minsdet.

- When she insults you, respond with "I am so sorry you feel that way. Anyway, regarding the kids....."..

- When she says something that isn't true, respond "We will have to agree to disagree on that".

- Regarding her games with calling her about when to drop off the kids "My apologies but that arrangement doesn''t work for me. I need you to give me an exact time by XXXX. I will let you choose the time. If you would rather not choose the time then I will go ahead and choose the time I will be there which will be 3pm. I will wait for you until 3:15pm and if you aren't there I will take the kids back with me"

 

[Roober]

Women are ruthless. The best scenario I found is to completely ignore them. Only say what is absolutely necessary. Ignore everything else. Just take screenshots and make sure all conversations are happening which can be documented.

If you find you can't maintain this nonchalant attitude, then find someone who can transmit all information.

My ex was ruthless when we split, and it nearly broke me. It got better when I started ignoring everything but the essential texts for exchanging the boys. I also hired an attorney for the divorce, so I didn't have to communicate with her at all. She still throws unnecessary jabs, but I just ignore it. She's just looking for attention...

If I were you, I would do everything in my power to get 50% custody. Especially since she appears to be incapable of supporting them.

Long story short: Document everything and ignore everything that doesn't require a response

 

[Desdinova]

Do your absolute best to never be vengeful, rude, or angry toward the bytch. Always do your best to be respectable and make it appear that you're doing what's in your kids' best interest. Always be on time for your appointments with her. Attend every doctors appointment for your kids. Do everything you possibly can do as if your kids were with you 100% of the time. Document everything she does that's unreasonable. When she IS unreasonable, you can throw it at her calmly. Let her know that you don't treat her disrespectfully and ask that she not do the same.

You have to be calm as fvck when dealing with your kids' mom. Then when your kids are 18 and older, you can treat her like garbage all you want. Until then, it's not worth the stress, hassle or legal costs.

 

[lamath]

What I started doing is eliminating any excuse or negative thing she could say about me until there was nothing left for her to complain about.

If she wanted to drop off my daughter in the middle of the week and leave her with me for 3 extra days, I said ok great. I work from home and my schedule is flexible anyway. Instead of seeing it as "She's only dropping her off to go party or get some d!ck", I started thinking of it as "Cool, now I have more time with my daughter."

I started giving her $100 every week. I used to keep receipts, and track of items I bought her, such as clothes, food etc.. I quickly learned that doing this just instigates a fight, every single time. Now I just throw $100 at her every week for "child support", and it shuts her up. I make pretty good money, so it's not a huge sacrifice to me. It's a small price to pay to keep the peace. I even pay her on weeks where I don't see my daughter, even though TECHNICALLY we have a signed agreement that says I'm only supposed to pay her the weeks I see her.

Very good post and it is best for the child for sure.
However i must disagree on what is in black, it is being too accommodating.
I think best thing to do is to follow the signed agreement to the letter. Sometime you wont be able to keep your daughter longer you made other plan and then she will use it to create drama. and make you the bad guy does not matter if you always do more, it does not count in their solipsism mind.
Anyway that was my experience.

 

[bcude]

Very good post and it is best for the child for sure.
However i must disagree on what is in black, it is being too accommodating.
I think best thing to do is to follow the signed agreement to the letter. Sometime you wont be able to keep your daughter longer you made other plan and then she will use it to create drama. and make you the bad guy does not matter if you always do more, it does not count in their solipsism mind.
Anyway that was my experience.

You beat me to it. I agree to keep the peace, apologize and be civil as a whole but somewhere there's a line of self-respect. A line that baby mommas will cross quite often i'm realising reading these stories, since they, like all women are like children and push until they run into some resistance and thrive in the drama combined with the underlying bitterness of having their big dream crushed.
When she's starting to blackmail using the daughter and fishing for apologies eventhough she's 100% in the wrong, man i couldn't do that sh1t.