How I became an *******

[TheRagingBull]

I started out as a typical nice guy, avoiding confrontation with people close to me, with strangers, and also with people working in the service industry who deserved a nice confrontation. Female or male, both got my best side - deserved or undeserved.

Around a year ago I was going to a pretty rough time and stumbled unto the book "No more mr nice guy", which is an excellent book. I figured I was the typical nice guy and it hit me. After that there was a slow progression of me wanting to toughen up.

Long story short, now, one year later, I actually became quite an *******, while deep down I know I'm not. I would say I'm not congruent anymore to who I am deep down. Especially when I'm drunk (I never had a bad drunk), I say dumb **** to women, calling them bitches, telling them straight out I want to **** them or that I want to put my **** inside their mouth. I'm going overboard and want to go back full circle now. I proved to myself I can be an ******* if I want, but I don't actually want to be that guy.

I realize I'm weirding out some people, for obvious reasons. I am clever enough, even drunk, to not to this kind of **** with girls in my social circle, but probably it'll bite me in the ass one day. This whole facade comes from a place of me wanting to be polarizing and not boring, but it got out of hand. Polarizing for sure, but I think it's almost a way of polarizing for the sake of polarizing.

I have this strong desire to be that polarizing guy who you either love or hate. Now, however, the people who love me are sometimes questioning me as well after I do some dumb stuff noted above.

Any input on being an ******* and toning it down, and on how to be polarizing in your own way? Do you have to go to extremes to be polarizing?

 

[FJA]

No, extremes I would not advice. It's all about that:
- you believe in yourself as a valuable person with many qualities, that gives you self-confidence
- that you go for what you want, for example when it's about women, but never ever is a certain woman your target (for example Sandra), you know that there are many women around (not only Sandra) who can be a good choice for you, that's why you move on when a woman for example refuses you, and you don't even care, since there are enough many other women except this Sandra. Needy behavior needs to be avoided all the time.
- you always care less and be less nice than a woman is who you date / are in contact with

In general, a nice guy is someone who thinks that he has low qualities in comparison to the woman he contacts, he is fishing for validation (does she like me....) and the biggest problem, he cares much more and is more nice than she is.

 

[FJA]

Here in The Netherlands where I live, we call a man who cares to much about his looks (to much body building, to much tanning bed, always wearing expensive clothing with the brandname big written on it, every week hairdresser, trying to be the confident guy but suddenly changing into emotional behaviour) douchebags. I know that in many countries the douchebag is only the as*hole type, the criminal. You almost always see women around them, good looking, but empty in their heads, almost brainless. The reason that the douche seems to have a barbie doll around him almost always, is that dating women is a kind of daily job of him. He wakes up with dating and goes to bed while (online) dating. It´s because he is totally insecure and has not much to do (a job he has is mostly something easy, under-qualified), his exaggerated appearance is the compensation for his, often including the car he is driving. The douche will also go to extremes, insecure behaviour (beating, shouting etc), and in the end, he will also finish last because of this.

 

[Seductions_Mad_Scientist]

I started out as a typical nice guy, avoiding confrontation with people close to me, with strangers, and also with people working in the service industry who deserved a nice confrontation. Female or male, both got my best side - deserved or undeserved.

Around a year ago I was going to a pretty rough time and stumbled unto the book "No more mr nice guy", which is an excellent book. I figured I was the typical nice guy and it hit me. After that there was a slow progression of me wanting to toughen up.

Long story short, now, one year later, I actually became quite an *******, while deep down I know I'm not. I would say I'm not congruent anymore to who I am deep down. Especially when I'm drunk (I never had a bad drunk), I say dumb **** to women, calling them bitches, telling them straight out I want to **** them or that I want to put my **** inside their mouth. I'm going overboard and want to go back full circle now. I proved to myself I can be an ******* if I want, but I don't actually want to be that guy.

I realize I'm weirding out some people, for obvious reasons. I am clever enough, even drunk, to not to this kind of **** with girls in my social circle, but probably it'll bite me in the ass one day. This whole facade comes from a place of me wanting to be polarizing and not boring, but it got out of hand. Polarizing for sure, but I think it's almost a way of polarizing for the sake of polarizing.

I have this strong desire to be that polarizing guy who you either love or hate. Now, however, the people who love me are sometimes questioning me as well after I do some dumb stuff noted above.

Any input on being an ******* and toning it down, and on how to be polarizing in your own way? Do you have to go to extremes to be polarizing?

A few interesting things here:

1) I think too much emphasis in popular media has been placed on "not giving a ****." and while that certainly is better than "giving all the ****s" it still isnt complete. Obviously work and seduction is different, but, if I approached certain colleagues in the same way I approached certain relationships with women that wold be a nightmare.

2) Samspade nailed it. Being polarizing as a technique or deliberate action is weird. It probably also comes across as trying too hard. You can get the same effect by just being firm, centered and self-confident.

3) What about teamwork and co-operation? Do you think its a good long term strategy to ONLY be an ass hole rather than titrating it in as necessary. maybe 90% you can be mostly nice and firm and mature and respectful. but the 10% of the time when its called for to cut someone down you do it.

4) I also have always had the intuitive feeling that too much aggression & machismo comes from a lack of intelligence. I may be wrong but it seems like if you always resort to yelling and screaming instead of resolving differences with conversational skills its probably because that person cant. Kind of like how animals will make themselves appear bigger to potential predators ( by puffing up fur or the like) in order to try and intimidate to stop the fight before it starts.

5) I guess what I'm saying is maybe approach the whole *******/nice-guy dichotomy of behaviours from a percentage standpoint. sometimes but rarely you can be full 100% *******, most of the time nice enough is good enough, and very rarely pure nice guy may be the right strategy.

Cheers,

 

[zekko]

The more effort you exert, the more powerless you seem.

When a man is completely relaxed, he expresses power.

I've always said, the confident person is relaxed. Because he knows he can handle the situation.
I've never liked the PUA idea that you have to act like the biggest douche in the world to express confidence - that doesn't make any sense. The normal response of a confident person is to be relaxed. When you see Clint Eastwood as the gunslinger in those westerns, he may appear grim and alert, but he always appears relaxed.

That aside, there are enough douchebags in the world. People complain a lot here about the current culture, but when they respond by saying "I need to be a bigger @sshole", they're just contributing to the problem instead of being the solution. One person can't change it, and maybe there never will be a solution, but going with the status quo isn't going to change it.

 

[Prettyboy Dee]

Take it from a natural *******, it ain't all that its cracked up to be.

 

[Medina]

Sounds like a normal 20-something to me fighting his way up the dominance heirarchy

Young men seek to find their place and value in the world. This can quickly lead to azzhole behaviour or even lone-wolf terrorism, it's all connected

When a younger man comes your way and starts to test your patience you will see the same in him. Guys like Zekko are mature men that have no time for this anymore

Approaching 30 you will calm down and feel more comfortable with your position. You won't have to be an azzhole or prove your worth to anyone

 

[Black Widow Void]

Everything you described is perfectly normal.
You didn't like the results you were getting when you viewed yourself as too accommodating
and so...
you tried the other side of things and while it felt good, you discovered that this is also not you
and so...
you'll swing back to the nicer version of you (but not as accommodating) and when you feel a famaliar sting
you'll..
revisit the not so nice version of yourself (but not as intense this time)
and so on etc...

It's perfectly normal.
At some point or another... we've all done the pendulum thing in life ....

 

[skinnyguy]

Picture yourself as a hero in a movie. Would you be all “rah rah I’m the most alpha guy”

lol

I think a lot of guys on here tend to think that saying they are alpha means they are alpha. I've never seen an ACTUAL alpha guy say he is alpha. Ever. Telling someone you are alpha means you're pretty insecure.

 

[Ohso-Phresh]

I started out as a typical nice guy, avoiding confrontation with people close to me, with strangers, and also with people working in the service industry who deserved a nice confrontation. Female or male, both got my best side - deserved or undeserved.

Around a year ago I was going to a pretty rough time and stumbled unto the book "No more mr nice guy", which is an excellent book. I figured I was the typical nice guy and it hit me. After that there was a slow progression of me wanting to toughen up.

Long story short, now, one year later, I actually became quite an *******, while deep down I know I'm not. I would say I'm not congruent anymore to who I am deep down. Especially when I'm drunk (I never had a bad drunk), I say dumb **** to women, calling them bitches, telling them straight out I want to **** them or that I want to put my **** inside their mouth. I'm going overboard and want to go back full circle now. I proved to myself I can be an ******* if I want, but I don't actually want to be that guy.

I realize I'm weirding out some people, for obvious reasons. I am clever enough, even drunk, to not to this kind of **** with girls in my social circle, but probably it'll bite me in the ass one day. This whole facade comes from a place of me wanting to be polarizing and not boring, but it got out of hand. Polarizing for sure, but I think it's almost a way of polarizing for the sake of polarizing.

I have this strong desire to be that polarizing guy who you either love or hate. Now, however, the people who love me are sometimes questioning me as well after I do some dumb stuff noted above.

Any input on being an ******* and toning it down, and on how to be polarizing in your own way? Do you have to go to extremes to be polarizing?

Focus more on inner not external validation.

Seeking external validation is a losing proposition, you really have no control over how someone reacts or interprets something.

Oh, and stop drinking to the point of being drunk. If you can’t be sober in your world, create a better world.

Congrats, you created this, now create more of what you want.

 

[ubercat]

Definitely try meditation too when u r calmer, and more centred you will manifest some of that naturally. honestly meditation me is like any other kind of maintenance if I get a sports injury I always remember well I didn't stretch for 5 days.

same thing with meditation its undoing the natural stresses and strains. when you get drunk and act like a total ass hat on Saturday night it's either unresolved issues or all the tensions built up during the week you didn't do anything about

Yoga and tai chi work as well anything a little bit difficult and calming

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Trying to be anything comes off as try hard and doesn't make you better. It actually makes you approval seeking since you are changing your behavior for the benefit of others approval in some way.

 

[FJA]

Only people who have the same traits, at least in their head, like for example being aggressive/mean, the need of drinking to much alcohol etc will like you in this case. Yep, also some women have these traits and they can be often good looking, but to be honest, which normal man likes be together with a not caring but (in her head) aggressive/mean woman???

 

[TheRagingBull]

Sounds like a normal 20-something to me fighting his way up the dominance heirarchy

Young men seek to find their place and value in the world. This can quickly lead to azzhole behaviour or even lone-wolf terrorism, it's all connected

When a younger man comes your way and starts to test your patience you will see the same in him. Guys like Zekko are mature men that have no time for this anymore

Approaching 30 you will calm down and feel more comfortable with your position. You won't have to be an azzhole or prove your worth to anyone

You're spot on. I do realize this will fade when I'm older. Any tips on getting to that place of feeling comfortable faster?

 

[espanish]

first, congratulations on finding no more mr. nice guy
the first step to stop being a nice guy is to realize you are a nice guy and you have done that
but in my opinion you are still a nice guy. you seem to think because you said something to some woman you are not a nice guy anymore.
it's not about what you say or what you do. it's about who you are.

 

[Medina]

You're spot on. I do realize this will fade when I'm older. Any tips on getting to that place of feeling comfortable faster?

Depends what you want out of life. If you are not comfortable with your position, you need to either keep fighting until you are or learn to become comfortable with what you already have

 

[FJA]

That whole Mr. Nice Guy-problem is so easy to solve without spending money on (digital) books 1) care less and be less nice than she is 2) go for what you want and leave the place if you will not find it there

That´s it.

I was dating a girl, type 8 out of 10 points, after 2 dates no sex and no kissing. So after some weeks I sent her a message: let´s meet again here at my place, but than we are going to f*ck. 2 days no answer from her, than suddenly: ok! And we did.... So that´s the max of going for what you want, but if I would not text this for her, I would never ever f*ck her and wasted my time.