Been seperated for 30 days..next step

[Shortstreet]

Ok so GF of 9 yrs and I have been separated for 30 days. In the 30 days we hardly talked to each other the first 2 weeks..I did no contact then reached out and asked to talked. We talked that night and went good. She started to bring up the things that caused the separation. I calmly said lets not fight at which time she left. Week later we met again and this night went really great..We talked and watch a little TV and both of us felt great. She then left that night. Later that night we texted each other good night and thanked each other for the good talk. So last night she again came over and talked but left mad. Now all 3 times we discussed counselling and we agreed to do it...when she left she asked if I was still planned on counselling which I replied..Of Course...our first appointment is tomorrow...so here's my question... Whats it going to be like and whats your recommendations for what I need to do??

 

[Billtx49]

Never been to a couples counseling either, but if you’re both willing to start it that’s a good sign. Be thinking about anything that might annoy you about her. Counseling will reach a phase where individual gripes become revealed. Deliver and accept them without anger, but honesty. Be ready to hear some thoughts from her you’ve never heard before.
Remember the success of any counseling endeavor depends on both parties desire to make it so. To accept each others faults and improve their own behavior also. If one or both people quit or won’t go, it’s over and unlike sports, there are no winners…

 

[cola]

There is so much backstory that I feel is pertinent to the situation. What led to the separation?

 

[logicallefty]

Counseling has never helped me. Been there with both my ex wife and my ex “not wife” (long story). If I was to go to counseling again today, what I would do differently than before would be bring a stack of papers with notes of what I wanted to talk about, and, screenshots of text messages I wanted to call her out on. I remember my ex telling the counselor I had an anger issue. If only I had printed out those text messages where she was making physical threats to me. No arguing with that.

 

[Epic Days]

Counseling will center on the woman. The validation of her grievances which all stem from her undisclosed covert actions and low desire for you.

 

[Atom Smasher]

If you didn't pick the counselor, he will probably team up with her to blame you for whatever is wrong with your relationship.

Or SHE will probably team up with her.

I think that bias toward the woman is more the rule than the exception. After all, this poor, little innocent girl is crying while the big, “angry” man is “obviously” the cause of this. It “must” be his fault.

 

[rart]

Lookup on Youtube a clip from "Two And A Half Men" what Alan had to say about marriage counseling. It is spot on

 

[rart]

Here's the link)))

 

[RickTheToad]

Ok so GF of 9 yrs and I have been separated for 30 days. In the 30 days we hardly talked to each other the first 2 weeks..I did no contact then reached out and asked to talked. We talked that night and went good. She started to bring up the things that caused the separation. I calmly said lets not fight at which time she left. Week later we met again and this night went really great..We talked and watch a little TV and both of us felt great. She then left that night. Later that night we texted each other good night and thanked each other for the good talk. So last night she again came over and talked but left mad. Now all 3 times we discussed counselling and we agreed to do it...when she left she asked if I was still planned on counselling which I replied..Of Course...our first appointment is tomorrow...so here's my question... Whats it going to be like and whats your recommendations for what I need to do??

As Coca-Cola asked, what was the reason for the break? Are you looking to get back with her or are you looking for advice on how to break it off? The first mistake I see is that you reached out to her. Bad idea. The lady is the one who's supposed to reach out, not the dude. Make it look like you have no options and put her on a pedestal. Need to fix that sh it.

W/o more info, we cannot give you our opinions.

 

[RickTheToad]

Here's the link)))

Didn't have that experience. Both therapists we went to sided with me, not her. So, to each their own.

 

[Billtx49]

Well OP, if you both do decide to get counseling, google for local non biased couples counselors first, as bias can obviously be a counseling issue ..…
It should be a mediation process not a prosecution.

 

[rart]

Ok so GF of 9 yrs and I have been separated for 30 days. In the 30 days we hardly talked to each other the first 2 weeks..I did no contact then reached out and asked to talked. We talked that night and went good. She started to bring up the things that caused the separation. I calmly said lets not fight at which time she left. Week later we met again and this night went really great..We talked and watch a little TV and both of us felt great. She then left that night. Later that night we texted each other good night and thanked each other for the good talk. So last night she again came over and talked but left mad. Now all 3 times we discussed counselling and we agreed to do it...when she left she asked if I was still planned on counselling which I replied..Of Course...our first appointment is tomorrow...so here's my question... Whats it going to be like and whats your recommendations for what I need to do??

Maybe I'm wrong, but you are in a relationship for 9 years and not married. Maybe that is your problem. I'm pretty sure women don't like staying in a decade long relationships without marriage.

 

[bcude]

We need more info on the reason for the separation but i've been to couple's counseling myself in my blue pill days. My gf at the time actually chose her psychiatrist so they already had a backstory when i went in to this environment. Tbh it was very professional and the psychiatrist didn't side with her at all. It was a fun experience. I mainly went there to show my gf that i cared about the relationship and it ended with my gf starting to cry because she was so moved at the end.

At the end of the day you've been together 9 years which is a long time and it sounds like she wants to keep going and so are you, so that's a good sign. I personally don't believe in the counseling as long as you can have a civil conversation with your partner. It's alot about the old message to "open up", "communicate better" and all of those things that give your woman more power over you so know that going in, but it could be beneficial to some couples that are so set in their ways they can't even have a discussion anymore.
Spending your time reading up on some red pill relationship dynamics will be time better spent if you actually want to make the relationship work in a general sense, but then again i don't know the reason for the separation.

 

[Epic Days]

Didn't have that experience. Both therapists we went to sided with me, not her. So, to each their own.

But it didn’t resolve. It won’t. Once the desire is gone...she has no clue what’s wrong. Not a thread of enlightenment.

After her infidelity, it’s long gone.

 

[RickTheToad]

But it didn’t resolve. It won’t. Once the desire is gone...she has no clue what’s wrong. Not a thread of enlightenment.

After her infidelity, it’s long gone.

There was no infidelity, but it did resolve things in my head. I filed for disillusion right after.

 

[Epic Days]

There was no infidelity, but it did resolve things in my head. I filed for disillusion right after.

I understand but people don’t go get relationship for themselves. They go with their partner. I have not ever met a couple that didn’t end it within two years.

If she’s not feeling desire...that’s hell on earth for a woman.

 

[RickTheToad]

I understand but people don’t go get relationship for themselves. They go with their partner. I have not ever met a couple that didn’t end it within two years.

If she’s not feeling desire...that’s hell on earth for a woman.

Not everyone, dude or lady, wants to be a lone 4 life. This isn't the nWo; and this isn't kayfabe wrestling.

 

[Glassguy]

Counseling will center on the woman. The validation of her grievances which all stem from her undisclosed covert actions and low desire for you.

This.

Counseling is a joke.

 

[Spaz]

If there's no desire on her part then no amount of counselling will help ur relationships.

 

[Epimanes]

25yrs in my marriage..... went to counseling for 2yrs at the end.. we used a psychologist... he basicly said we were not gunna make it ... i ended up on anti depressants as i coped with the end of my marriage... and ill tell you now.. it didnt help a fkn thing... all that money ... all that time... everything was redirected to me.. everything was my fault. The day he said we were not gunna make it was the day i never went back... within a year from then my wife had gone to mexico 2x... and she decided on her 40th bday i was to be out by the end of the month as a trial separation.. she claimed it may help her miss me and help clear her feelings up... i was out April 1st 2019... (what a fkn joke pun intended) ... and 1 month later ... the day after my bday (my bday is may 7th) .. she took me out with the kids for dinner on my bday... then the next day texted me and said it was permanent
... and i should take steps to figure out what i wana do with the rest of my life.... happy fkn bday to me. Thankfully my kids are older...15 and 21. Theres a **** ton of back story but nothing worth gettin into...

Counselling has a 99% chance to enable divorce or a break up. Likely she has someone in the wing... and her feelings are all mixed up and shes not sure what to do... her guilt says go to counselling where you will lose the battle again for 150$ an hour....

Give it a shot tho ... counseling will not help your sex life... or your wifes libido .. and it wont build respect either.... more times than not it facilitates the end... its a trap..

Sorry your going through this... im coming up to 1yr seperated soon myself.

Epi