Threw out my LTR of 1.5 years the other night

[Barrister]

To be clear, things have been a little rocky for awhile due to extraneous issues. But we were getting ready to go to bed at my home the other night. I had previously moved her toothbrush from one cabinet in my bathroom to another cabinet. She opened the cabinet and saw that her toothbrush was no longer in the same place as before and immediately demanded to know if I had another woman staying with me. I had a complete WTF moment and was stunned for a moment. Have never cheated in my life and there is ZERO reason for her to believe that. Completely out of left field.

Massive argument ensued and she ended up saying more bullsh1t about how I have treated one of my best friends which pissed me off even more. Basically said it just to try to get under my skin. I told her it was time for her to leave and she immediately backed way off and said "just come to bed and forget about it." I told her to get the hell out of my house. She stormed out pissed because "I was throwing her out in the middle of the night" (it was 11:00 p.m.) and threw her key down on the floor on the way out.

Like she had a mental breakdown. We have had our share of arguments, but never anything like this. She was absolutely nuts. It's been three days and she has reached out to me multiple times. I have ignored every call but the last one. She stated she loved me and that she "never accused me of cheating, just wanted to know why her toothbrush and hair ties had been moved around." Basically massive backtrack.

Time to move on? She is easily a HB 8.5 and the sex is good. But I am thinking this is too much to deal with. It was wacky sh1t.

 

[sosousage]

no, you expect woman to act rationally? WHAT A NORMIE. LOL

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Not enough information to make a judgement, especially since you said it had been rocky for a while. If this were the first and only issue I would say I wouldn’t end it over that. You set a good boundary and demonstrated you were willing to walk away if she crossed it and she came back around apologizing. Only you will know if it’s time to end it, based on all the things that lead you to make the comment about things being rocky for a while.

 

[Billtx49]

Always amazes me how some women make it look like they could jump over the Grand Canyon if there was a conclusion on the other side……
Aka, a rational judgement or decision without all the the facts… or in this case, completely emotionally based, which might be a current or future problem.

 

[bcude]

Massive argument ensued and she ended up saying more bullsh1t about how I have treated one of my best friends which pissed me off even more.

This was a mistake. You can't "win" these arguments, it doesn't matter who's right. She tried to rock your world or didn't feel loved and acted on her emotions at the time. You should have told her your view once, in matter of fact kind of way, smiled and spun her around and thrown her on the bed or something silly like that, IF she would have continued with the drama you tell her that you don't deal with this kind of drama and then throw her out and not let it come to a "massive argument.", in the end she got what she wanted - your attention and presence.
Atleast you stood your ground, she might have been pissed getting thrown out but respects you and that's the important part. You handled it well after that, i like the three days of ignoring. She had her tantrum and calmed down. Now pretend it never happend and proceed like before. She will think twice next time she starts drama with you in the night. But these is female behavior, nothing to be worried about if she seems regretful and apologizes, often they'll come back after a few days later knowing exactly what they did and how they crossed your boundaries and by removing your attention that's how you teach them to behave around you. No words are necessary.

I'll quote @flowtheory here:
"They will always create something — for their own excitement or just to know you still want them. No woman will never create any issues or problems. It’s all about us understanding which is which. in a worthy LTR, the ‘work’ which should actually be stated as ‘enjoyment’ never ceases."

 

[flowtheory]

You certainly acted dramatically along with her. It happens, I get it. But now you probably see you both worked up in a tizzy over nothing, really. But once again, I get it.

threw her key? No good.
Kicked your girl out at 11pm? No good.

why not calmly explain that you moved the things to another drawer? Why did you get so excited just because she had a massive rush of fear?

Clearly she cares about you. But let’s not focus on blaming her. Look at how you responded. It created more of a mess than necessary, when in fact you could have been chill and instead made a mess of the bed sheets rather than hash it out.

The nothing fights.. where it’s actually about so much more.

what did you do to your friend that she doesn’t respect about your character?

sounds like there are some trust issues. If you want to go in to depth with us, we can evolve you so you don’t have to kick your girl out at 11pm and have to stonewall her for three days (which is manipulation, by the way). Which you would probably die, if she did that to you..

You’re also doing what most men do and try to figure out why she did what she did using your man-mind, instead of looking through the scope of a woman’s mind.
Have you done something recently that would make her think you have been with another woman?
Neglecting her?
Not being present with her?

 

[Kotaix]

This seems to me to be a good/bad combination. You put your foot down and stood up for yourself, which is good; but then you went and got emotional about it, which is not good. She was sh!t testing you and was probably PMSing on top of it.

I would give her another chance, but she needs to know that she can't pull this kind of crap on you again, which she does now know.

 

[lamath]

In the past ive seen women accusing men of cheating because they were cheating themself, some kind of projection.

If that fight was not amplified much by your actions or word id would not hesitate to NEXT her. I got no patience on wasting time and energy on childish ****......


Now if you did something that made it worse, i would try to figure out if her reaction were proportionate to what you did.
If id come to the conclusion that it was a clear overreaction i would again NEXT


Would try to fix it if id know we where both at fault here

 

[flowtheory]

In the past ive seen women accusing men of cheating because they were cheating themself, some kind of projection.

If that fight was not amplified much by your actions or word id would not hesitate to NEXT her. I got no patience on wasting time and energy on childish ****......


Now if you did something that made it worse, i would try to figure out if her reaction were proportionate to what you did.
If id come to the conclusion that it was a clear overreaction i would again NEXT

She had a deep moment of fear. Instead of being rational like a man, she blew up and created drama like the woman she is. She used feelings and emotions to get her answer.

He exploded.

She sees that he still cares about her immensely. ”okay he’s not cheating. I just didn’t look in that drawer. I’m an idiot and insecure”
“There no way I can just say sorry, because I have a big ego, and don’t want to admit wrongful doing.”
“I’ll bring up something else that annoyed me and redirect the fight so I make him wrong for something, so I can be right and he will have to make it up to me!! Yes what a marvellous idea...”

then the rest of everything happened..

test
Test
Test
we can only know wth they were thinking after the dust settles. Men bite everytime. And no guy is any better than the guy next to him. Unless he’s not in a committed relationship so-as his emotions are really involved as they are diversified.

everything a woman usually does is some form of test to see if she’s secure with you. If she’s okay. If youre strong. If you’re still able to lead both of you. This is everything. It’s the most important thing. to a woman. It’s why they don’t have sex on demand; to see if you’ll get angry and demand it. Oh god there’s so many examples I could use to support this.

If she’s anything but sweet and that supple young girl energy she loves to have, you know there is something brewing. How a woman is after satisfying sex is how you generally want her. Care free, soft, Feminine, playful. And it’s what we are attracted to most!

when we get emotional, she gets emotional because she was already that way. Women just operate under the guise of something else entirely.

imagine a little girl with her grandfather. That kid can do literally anything and it won’t sway the grandpa; he’s stoic in a way but he plays with her. Understand that dynamic and now look at your girlfriend like she’s that little girl who has something to lose - her heart and hope which are EXTREMELY fragile - and you’re responsible for it, because she’s trusting you to take care of it and her. Who said a man’s job was easy?
The OP is a story about ego protection and attachment. They love each other so much but are scared to the bone to lose one another. Note why they both had emotional eruptions and he’s posting about it to us.

 

[Barrister]

To answer some questions - the issue with my best friend is a tough one. I love the guy like a brother. He hasn’t really come out of the closet recently but he has a guy “friend” suddenly while at the same time has gotten hyper-religious. During the fight I was told I had abandoned and “shunned” him once I found out he was gay because I never spend time anymore. She has no idea I often ask him to hang out and he turns me down literally every time anymore. The comment was ridiculous to say I’ve abandoned him like I’m some homophobic ass.

The “rockiness” has been we’ve been really up and down for a number of months. She’s had phases of being really distant and it’s made it hard to be in the relationship with her. In fairness to her she’s had a lot of sh1t going on in her career and I get it to an extent. But two weeks leading up to this fight she was completely shut down. So this argument did make me boil over and I shouldn’t have had the level of anger I did.

That said - the cheating accusation I consider a huge breach of trust not just her getting reasonably fearful about another woman. The comment about my best friend was absolutely inappropriate and untrue. This on top of what’s been going on makes me lean towards ending it and moving on.

 

[lamath]

She had a deep moment of fear. Instead of being rational like a man, she blew up and created drama like the woman she is. She used feelings and emotions to get her answer.

He exploded.

She sees that he still cares about her immensely. ”okay he’s not cheating. I just didn’t look in that drawer. I’m an idiot and insecure”
“There no way I can just say sorry, because I have a big ego, and don’t want to admit wrongful doing.”
“I’ll bring up something else that annoyed me and redirect the fight so I make him wrong for something, so I can be right and he will have to make it up to me!! Yes what a marvellous idea...”

then the rest of everything happened..

test
Test
Test
we can only know wth they were thinking after the dust settles. Men bite everytime. And no guy is any better than the guy next to him. Unless he’s not in a committed relationship so-as his emotions are really involved as they are diversified.

everything a woman usually does is some form of test to see if she’s secure with you. If she’s okay. If youre strong. If you’re still able to lead both of you. This is everything. It’s the most important thing. to a woman. It’s why they don’t have sex on demand; to see if you’ll get angry and demand it. Oh god there’s so many examples I could use to support this.

If she’s anything but sweet and that supple young girl energy she loves to have, you know there is something brewing. How a woman is after satisfying sex is how you generally want her. Care free, soft, Feminine, playful. And it’s what we are attracted to most!

when we get emotional, she gets emotional because she was already that way. Women just operate under the guise of something else entirely.

imagine a little girl with her grandfather. That kid can do literally anything and it won’t sway the grandpa; he’s stoic in a way but he plays with her. Understand that dynamic and now look at your girlfriend like she’s that little girl who has something to lose - her heart and hope which are EXTREMELY fragile - and you’re responsible for it, because she’s trusting you to take care of it and her. Who said a man’s job was easy?
The OP is a story about ego protection and attachment. They love each other so much but are scared to the bone to lose one another. Note why they both had emotional eruptions and he’s posting about it to us.

Imo accusation of cheating is going a too far if she does not have ground for it.


I know they will do exactly this, however even when emotional some have more self control than others and dont push it too far.

For me this is very draining, i can just stand so much, after awhile it interfere with my own well being,

 

[lamath]

To answer some questions - the issue with my best friend is a tough one. I love the guy like a brother. He hasn’t really come out of the closet recently but he has a guy “friend” suddenly while at the same time has gotten hyper-religious. During the fight I was told I had abandoned and “shunned” him once I found out he was gay because I never spend time anymore. She has no idea I often ask him to hang out and he turns me down literally every time anymore. The comment was ridiculous to say I’ve abandoned him like I’m some homophobic ass.

The “rockiness” has been we’ve been really up and down for a number of months. She’s had phases of being really distant and it’s made it hard to be in the relationship with her. In fairness to her she’s had a lot of sh1t going on in her career and I get it to an extent. But two weeks leading up to this fight she was completely shut down. So this argument did make me boil over and I shouldn’t have had the level of anger I did.

That said - the cheating accusation I consider a huge breach of trust not just her getting reasonably fearful about another woman. The comment about my best friend was absolutely inappropriate and untrue. This on top of what’s been going on makes me lean towards ending it and moving on.

You are the one that knows best.

Staying in your frame would be to follow what you think is right regardless of what everybody else is saying.
Confidence in your judgment and values is how you create a strong sense of self and frame

 

[bcude]

She had a deep moment of fear. Instead of being rational like a man, she blew up and created drama like the woman she is. She used feelings and emotions to get her answer.

This sums it up perfectly. Brilliant.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

This seems to me to be a good/bad combination. You put your foot down and stood up for yourself, which is good; but then you went and got emotional about it, which is not good. She was sh!t testing you and was probably PMSing on top of it.

I would give her another chance, but she needs to know that she can't pull this kind of crap on you again, which she does now know.

+1

When you stand don't wobble. Reframe, how will she fix it?

 

[logicallefty]

OP I think you handled it well. It’s hard not to get tangled in her drama a little bit. It’s gets easier to stay aloof and out of it with practice. Unfortunately I have a lot of these kinds of interactions with women under my belt over the years. At least you stood your ground. Most guys would have let her walk all over them cuz they are spineless cucks who think she will cut them from the puz if they don’t chew her shvt sandwiches and happily swallow.

 

[AttackFormation]

The just saying literally anything they can including the most inappropriate stuff to "win" the argument is a huge red flag.

This, and she might also be cheating herself thus the explosive projection. That in turn could smoothly feed into her wanting to provoke OP with fights so she doesn't feel guilty (if she feels any guilt) for cheating, through a twisted rationalization to herself that he's the bad person. Then she can either try to provoke him into dumping her, or use her rationalization as an excuse to dump or keep cheating on him. So this whole thing wouldn't be about the OP per se, but about the OP as just a catalyst for her own hamstering.

That's just my speculation though, never been in a relationship. Am I on or off? lol.

 

[Spaz]

If I were you, I'd let her have her say, allow her to throw her tantrums, even throw the expensive China on the mosaic...

While she is busy making a drama over nothing, I'll be busy engrossed in my laptop answering emails.

Once she notices that I'm like an unmovable mountain, steady and strong, that neither thunderstorm nor lighting has an effect....she will calm down because she knows by then its useless and stupid.

When she realised that whatever she is doing isn't working, she'll try to work her magic on me by being extra loving.

Don't they always do that?

And that's when I'd give her a proper scolding..

Would you guys like me to teach you all how to properly punish a woman?

 

[sosousage]

If I were you, I'd let her have her say, allow her to throw her tantrums, even throw the expensive China on the mosaic...

While she is busy making a drama over nothing, I'll be busy engrossed in my laptop answering emails.

Once she notices that I'm like an unmovable mountain, steady and strong, that neither thunderstorm nor lighting has an effect....she will calm down because she knows by then its useless and stupid.

When she realised that whatever she is doing isn't working, she'll try to work her magic on me by being extra loving.

Don't they always do that?

And that's when I'd give her a proper scolding..

Would you guys like me to teach you all how to properly punish a woman?

nah man thats kind of cucked (even if it works). much more alpha option would be insulting her back then throwing her out instantly, and if she hits you when youre trying to kick her out then you hit her back

 

[bcude]

nah man thats kind of cucked (even if it works). much more alpha option would be insulting her back then throwing her out instantly, and if she hits you when youre trying to kick her out then you hit her back

Do you hit and insult children when they throw ridiculous tantrums? That ain't right bro.

 

[Reyaj]

I don't think she is cheating and disagree with all the projection suggestions here.

I understand being pissed about this though as I have dealt with some of the same with my girl. Just realize the fact that she has a scarcity mentality about you is more positive than her having an apathetic one.

I think you went slightly over board kicking her out as I think the silent treatment for a few might have been better. But you showing you wouldn't tolerate it supersedes that so if she is normal she certainly will think twice before doing that again.