Validation allergy

[AttackFormation]

This is something I've mentioned in some of my posts lately.

In the last few years I feel like I've become mentally allergic to validating women. But the problem is, it's gone so far that I now don't want to put any effort in at all, because effort is validation. I don't even want to strike up an online conversation. Yet if I don't make the first move I will be missing out for sure, hell I lost my virginity to a girl who hadn't even looked at me as far as I know before I hit her up. But I just can't take being another clown giving her validation by putting in effort.

Can you guys relate? what can I do to adapt to this feeling, or how can I get rid of it? I didn't really "decide" to start feeling this way, it just built itself up.

 

[lamath]

Im allergic to Attention *****s.

Sadly their numbers is growing exponentially......

 

[MountainSlide]

Is it possible for you to make them perceive something as validating when you aren’t actually validating them?

In order for this to be true. They’d have to experience something in the moment that they interpret as validating only to discover later on after you get what you want that it’s invalidating.

 

[Xenom0rph]

I often say that men are incredibly naive in regards to interpersonal relationships....

Women crave validation and attention from men whether it be likes on Instagram, buying her drinks at the club, checking her out when she wears spandex leggings, etc.....women are addicted to validation and attention from men....

....and yet we men give away our validation and attention to women for free and we wonder why we get taken advantage of.....

If we men collectively reserved our valudation for women of quality, the SMV imbalance innthe dating market would self-correct....

.....but sadly that wont happen any time soon....

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

You're the predator, she's the prey and "stalking" is all part of the hunt.

 

[Xenom0rph]

You've just uncovered the secret to game. The high value guys only reward women for making worthy efforts to charm them. They allow women to show some feminine charms before giving away any validation.

The guys who suck with women do not qualify women at all. In fact, it's the complete opposite. They qualify THEMSELVES to women, lol.

And some guys even call this "game."

You can't make this stuff up.

Almost every question on this forum comes from the frame of "How do I meet her qualifications and win her approval?"

Coming from this frame, the only thing you are going to get is de-validation.

Exactly....

If you reward a dog when he tears up your couch, what do you think he's gonna do to the next couch you buy....????....

And that's what guys are doing too often in the dating market. They give away free validation and attention to women whom mistreat them and they wonder why they keep getting played....

 

[AttackFormation]

Exactly....

If you reward a dog when he tears up your couch, what do you think he's gonna do to the next couch you buy....????....

And that's what guys are doing too often in the dating market. They give away free validation and attention to women whom mistreat them and they wonder why they keep getting played....

The problem is, any time you initiate with a woman you have given her free validation. Just the fact that you have started talking to her, or you have sent her a message, or you are looking at her, means you have validated her. Just like the 100s/1000s of other clowns in the bars and clubs, school, work, instagram, snapchat, facebook, activities, tinder, events, parties, social circle and the fvcking grocery store are already competing with each other to do. It's all a big joke that I cannot take anymore.

I am at the point where I cannot bring myself to do even those things, but without doing them I will cut my interactions with women to practically nothing. It's a catch 22 where I cannot stomach giving women any more validation, but without giving it to them I cannot pursue sex, affection or companionship.

That's why I need to fix this somehow.

 

[Xenom0rph]

The problem is, any time you initiate with a woman you have given her free validation. Just the fact that you have started talking to her, or you have sent her a message, or you are looking at her, means you have validated her - just like the 100s/1000s of other clowns in the bars and clubs, school, work, instagram, snapchat, facebook, activities, tinder, events and the fvcking grocery store are already competing with each other to do. It's all a big joke.

I am at the point where I cannot bring myself to do even those things, but without doing them I will cut my interactions with women to practically nothing. It's a catch 22 where I cannot stomach giving women any more validation, but without giving it to them I cannot pursue sex, affection or companionship.

That's why I need to fix this somehow.

My man, you need to watch this video. Trust me, it'll open your eyes....

 

[Trump]

I often say that men are incredibly naive in regards to interpersonal relationships....

Women crave validation and attention from men whether it be likes on Instagram, buying her drinks at the club, checking her out when she wears spandex leggings, etc.....women are addicted to validation and attention from men....

....and yet we men give away our validation and attention to women for free and we wonder why we get taken advantage of.....

If we men collectively reserved our valudation for women of quality, the SMV imbalance innthe dating market would self-correct....

.....but sadly that wont happen any time soon....

What is the man supposed to do? ‘Give me 20 bucks and I’ll talk to you?”

If you play poker, you have to make her sit at the table. Draw her in, draw her in, draw her in, and then call her hand, It seems like you are calling her hand without even her sitting down at the table.

Most men aren’t Prince Harry.

 

[Xenom0rph]

What is the man supposed to do? ‘Give me 20 bucks and I’ll talk to you?”

If you play poker, you have to make her sit at the table. Draw her in, draw her in, draw her in, and then call her hand, It seems like you are calling her hand without even her sitting down at the table.

Most men aren’t Prince Harry.

The solution was already mentioned in the video:
Looks, Money, Status......

"Game" is a bullshlt cope..... A man with LMS can simply smile at a woman and she'll come running.....

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Unless you are one of those rare people who have women just throwing themselves at you right and left, you're going to have to make the first move. After that, you don't have to validate at all and you can challenge her. Lately I've been enjoying the awkwardness that comes from challenging women during conversation. It's really fun and empowering to know that you have the guts to hold silence, causing her to start contributing. It also seems to turn girls on because few guys have the confidence to do it. I have also been enjoying asking questions and if I get a lame or boring answer, pressing them on it, like, "That's it? Really?" and if they don't qualify from there, I become visibly, but politely disappointed and then wish her well and move on.

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

My man, you need to watch this video. Trust me, it'll open your eyes....

LFA sounds like a moron, it actually hurt my head listening to him

 

[Trump]

If we men collectively reserved our valudation for women of quality, the SMV imbalance innthe dating market would self-correct....

Another question; what is a woman of quality. Can you define it?

 

[touma.akagi]

The whole "never validate a woman thing" is just PUA, gamey bullsh it. The kernel truth to this is compliments on appearance, which you do want to keep to a minimum.

You don't want to validate someone too much. This is where you look bad. Giving too many compliments, gifts etc. This behavior makes you look insecure or annoying and rarely ever gets anything good accomplished. If anything, a woman may start using you. The only time where this behavior becomes acceptable in some quantity is when you're already in a long term relationship.

When you spend your time on someone, you are validating each other. And it's mutual validation, which is the best kind. If someone's not reciprocating, then you know to hang back until that person does.

Don't overcomplicate it. Want to see someone? Message first. Want to go get dinner? Ask.

 

[AttackFormation]

The whole "never validate a woman thing" is just PUA, gamey bullsh it. The kernel truth to this is compliments on appearance, which you do want to keep to a minimum.

You don't want to validate someone too much. This is where you look bad. Giving too many compliments, gifts etc. This behavior makes you look insecure or annoying and rarely ever gets anything good accomplished. If anything, a woman may start using you. The only time where this behavior becomes acceptable in some quantity is when you're already in a long term relationship.

When you spend your time on someone, you are validating each other. And it's mutual validation, which is the best kind. If someone's not reciprocating, then you know to hang back until that person does.

Don't overcomplicate it. Want to see someone? Message first. Want to go get dinner? Ask.

That's basic stuff. I have never bought women gifts, swamped them with unearned compliments, paid for dates, etc. and I never intend to.

The whole point is I now find myself sick of even doing things like messaging first and carrying a conversation, because the act itself is a validation and I know that they just want me to entertain and validate them. I don't want to be a stooge feeding the thirst pandemic today anymore, handing women what they want on a silver platter for free. But if you don't do those things you won't get anywhere which is the dilemma. You are stuck having to validate them. The only alternative is if she sends IOIs and is mutually engaged from the very beginning.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

You are stuck having to validate them. The only alternative is if she sends IOIs and is mutually engaged from the very beginning.

H*ll, even that isn't a guarantee. Haven't you had the situation where a girl lead you on by being submissive and sending you IOIs, but then you later learn this was done specifically to get your validation because when you attempted to escalate, she ghosted you? I think all of us have had that happen on multiple occasions.

I agree with Storm's points that this is on the woman - IE it's her insecurity and her fault obviously, but I also feel that is beside the point you are making, which is that the way society works, we can't really avoid validation traps if we want to be with women. It's inescapable. I do find myself irritated from time to time at the same thing you mention, but given there is no way to eliminate it, all you can do is accept it and understand that it isn't a reflection of you. I know that's not as ideal as not giving validation in any amount, in any form, until it's earned or you know it's not a trap, but there is just no way around that so you have to change your mindset on it.

 

[MrWood]

This is a little contrary to the wisdom on this forum, but...

I purposely validate certain things with women to play on the daddy issues dynamic.
Find something they have done, school, work, career, hobby... then say:

"You put a lot of effort into that, Im very proud of you."
This validates something that is significant to them and creates emotions deep inside.

This is something I learned to do recently and works like a charm. Its an ingredient of Love Potion #9

 

[fastlife]

This is something I've mentioned in some of my posts lately.

In the last few years I feel like I've become mentally allergic to validating women. But the problem is, it's gone so far that I now don't want to put any effort in at all, because effort is validation. I don't even want to strike up an online conversation. Yet if I don't make the first move I will be missing out for sure, hell I lost my virginity to a girl who hadn't even looked at me as far as I know before I hit her up. But I just can't take being another clown giving her validation by putting in effort.

Can you guys relate? what can I do to adapt to this feeling, or how can I get rid of it? I didn't really "decide" to start feeling this way, it just built itself up.

You're taking it too far. Validation is free. It doesn't cost you anything. Who the fvck cares if some AW uses you for validation? Her loss. What's more important to you, how randos perceive you or results?

The higher value you are, the more you'll have to focus on giving more comfort (i.e. validation). Girls still want to be able to entertain the fantasy that there's something special about them. They still want to feel like they're winning you over. In fact, for ALL your social interactions I'd work on throwing in some genuine compliments. Everyone has some type of value, and it's good practice to start looking for it and getting people to show their best side.

Obviously your validation isn't cheap. You already know not to ***** your attention around. But you also don't need defense mechanisms for imaginary wounds.

 

[touma.akagi]

But if you don't do those things you won't get anywhere which is the dilemma. You are stuck having to validate them. The only alternative is if she sends IOIs and is mutually engaged from the very beginning.

Don't be afraid to experiment a little, then. If you've got a nice little rotation on your phone then you can come up with a few differing approaches and test them simultaneously, and hopefully formulate a better understanding of what works and what doesn't.