CS Project
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Note: there are many reasons you should not move in/cohabitate with a girl too soon. Rollo Tomassi has written about it and I'm sure many others have. In this post I want to draw from experience in my own life (I'm close to 40) and give a very specific reason why you should NOT move in with your girlfriend too soon.
The reason is, you lose all power to withdraw yourself from her. Cobra Tate has described excellently how a good girlfriend is not something you magically stumble upon - it's something you build. Now of course there are personality differences between girls, and some girls are better than others, but understand that no matter the girl you get with you will have to "train" her if you want a good girlfriend. There are girls who are suitable blueprints and those who are less suited for LTR-material. How you behave, especially in the early phases of your relationship, makes all the difference as to how good your girlfriend and your relationship will be. You need to show her from the start that you don't tolerate sh1t.
One very specific tool you have in doing this is your attention. Cobra Tate has also explained the power of male attention, or rather the withdrawal of it. Withdrawing your attention from a girl is probably the most powerful thing you can do. If you argue with her, yell at her, call her names etc which I'm sure a lot of you have done when fighting with girlfriends or wives, you have already lost.
Now, of course you have to state, or somehow make known to your girlfriend when you do not approve of something she has done. But this should not turn into an argument. How you make it known to her best differs from situation to situation. Just remember that if you want to modify her behaviour she has to know when she has done something bad, or rather, that you are a man with options who doesn't tolerate sh1tty behaviour.
So what do I mean by this in practive? If your girlfriend behaves badly you should either tell her to go home (if she's at your place) or go home yourself (if you're at her place). The trick is not to seem emotionally distressed, as it probably won't work in that case. Rather, if she starts talking about an ex lover or says some guy is so hot or just gives you any type of bullsh1t, whatever it might be, just tell her "I have stuff I need to do you should go home now". Or something similar. She will probably be confused but she has to comply. Now, withdraw your attention from her. If you talk to her or see her daily; skip a day. If you do it weekly; skip a week. You get the point.
Now, the more difficult part is how you make your point. There are alternatives and I can't really give you a one size fits all solution because it depends on a ton of factors. One is to not talk or explain anything at all about it. Just withdraw your attention everytime she f*cks up and MAYBE she will begin to figure out, maybe just unconsioucly, that you don't tolerate bad behaviour. And hopefully stop with that behaviour (and respect you more for having boundaries!). Sometimes, and I say SOMETIMES only, there may be a point in explaining (without turning into arguing!) what upset you about her behaviour. For example, if it has anything to do with her advertising availability to other guys or what not, you could say simply something like "Thought you were more serious about this relationship but it seems you're not". And then withdraw your attention for some time. Again, a lot of times it is probably best not to explain anything as she will get the point anyway, but SOMETIMES it is good if you overtly point out what she did wrong. If you decide to explain, you should probably do it after you have talked to her again, not BEFORE you withdraw your attention because then she will know why and think that you are sulking/mad.
Over time as you state your boundaries and "punish" her bad behaviour she will modify her behaviour (if she really likes you) and in the end respect you a hell of a lot more for it. Or maybe she won't and then you can just next her and walk away with your dignity.
The problem when you move in too soon in a relationship is that you lose your ability to do this. You basically have to travel away or you have to break up/next her right away. You lose the ability to dissapear.
What most guys do, and what I've done myself unfortunately, is NOT withdrawing attention. Rather, when she behaves badly, guys either say nothing (building up rage inside) or start an argument that goes nowhere and just leaves her with less respect for you. Cause you argue and call her names and then you crawl down into the same bed and sulk on your side. She knows she's got you and that you won't ever dissapear no matter what she does to you.
Girls will always push a guy to see how much sh1t he can take. If you don't set boundaries, she will push you over completely eventually. Some girls are nicer and push softer/more slowly. But all girls do it and you need to maintain your tools to build your girlftriend the right way from the start. I have succesfully used this technique myself and when done right your girlfriend will be so more loving, respectful and sexually available to you afterwards than she was before. And hopefully she will stop doing whatever upset you.
So don't move in to fast because you lose one of your most valuable tools.
The reason is, you lose all power to withdraw yourself from her. Cobra Tate has described excellently how a good girlfriend is not something you magically stumble upon - it's something you build. Now of course there are personality differences between girls, and some girls are better than others, but understand that no matter the girl you get with you will have to "train" her if you want a good girlfriend. There are girls who are suitable blueprints and those who are less suited for LTR-material. How you behave, especially in the early phases of your relationship, makes all the difference as to how good your girlfriend and your relationship will be. You need to show her from the start that you don't tolerate sh1t.
One very specific tool you have in doing this is your attention. Cobra Tate has also explained the power of male attention, or rather the withdrawal of it. Withdrawing your attention from a girl is probably the most powerful thing you can do. If you argue with her, yell at her, call her names etc which I'm sure a lot of you have done when fighting with girlfriends or wives, you have already lost.
Now, of course you have to state, or somehow make known to your girlfriend when you do not approve of something she has done. But this should not turn into an argument. How you make it known to her best differs from situation to situation. Just remember that if you want to modify her behaviour she has to know when she has done something bad, or rather, that you are a man with options who doesn't tolerate sh1tty behaviour.
So what do I mean by this in practive? If your girlfriend behaves badly you should either tell her to go home (if she's at your place) or go home yourself (if you're at her place). The trick is not to seem emotionally distressed, as it probably won't work in that case. Rather, if she starts talking about an ex lover or says some guy is so hot or just gives you any type of bullsh1t, whatever it might be, just tell her "I have stuff I need to do you should go home now". Or something similar. She will probably be confused but she has to comply. Now, withdraw your attention from her. If you talk to her or see her daily; skip a day. If you do it weekly; skip a week. You get the point.
Now, the more difficult part is how you make your point. There are alternatives and I can't really give you a one size fits all solution because it depends on a ton of factors. One is to not talk or explain anything at all about it. Just withdraw your attention everytime she f*cks up and MAYBE she will begin to figure out, maybe just unconsioucly, that you don't tolerate bad behaviour. And hopefully stop with that behaviour (and respect you more for having boundaries!). Sometimes, and I say SOMETIMES only, there may be a point in explaining (without turning into arguing!) what upset you about her behaviour. For example, if it has anything to do with her advertising availability to other guys or what not, you could say simply something like "Thought you were more serious about this relationship but it seems you're not". And then withdraw your attention for some time. Again, a lot of times it is probably best not to explain anything as she will get the point anyway, but SOMETIMES it is good if you overtly point out what she did wrong. If you decide to explain, you should probably do it after you have talked to her again, not BEFORE you withdraw your attention because then she will know why and think that you are sulking/mad.
Over time as you state your boundaries and "punish" her bad behaviour she will modify her behaviour (if she really likes you) and in the end respect you a hell of a lot more for it. Or maybe she won't and then you can just next her and walk away with your dignity.
The problem when you move in too soon in a relationship is that you lose your ability to do this. You basically have to travel away or you have to break up/next her right away. You lose the ability to dissapear.
What most guys do, and what I've done myself unfortunately, is NOT withdrawing attention. Rather, when she behaves badly, guys either say nothing (building up rage inside) or start an argument that goes nowhere and just leaves her with less respect for you. Cause you argue and call her names and then you crawl down into the same bed and sulk on your side. She knows she's got you and that you won't ever dissapear no matter what she does to you.
Girls will always push a guy to see how much sh1t he can take. If you don't set boundaries, she will push you over completely eventually. Some girls are nicer and push softer/more slowly. But all girls do it and you need to maintain your tools to build your girlftriend the right way from the start. I have succesfully used this technique myself and when done right your girlfriend will be so more loving, respectful and sexually available to you afterwards than she was before. And hopefully she will stop doing whatever upset you.
So don't move in to fast because you lose one of your most valuable tools.
