Relationship, red flag check please?

[rAFCOliver]

Red flag check.

Hi guys, been a while since I’ve posted. Things have changed for me in a year since my previous woeful breakup story.

I’ve been in a relationship for about 4 months, been dating this person for about 6 months, enjoyed myself at the start of this year, had some fun, got back in the gym and bounced back from my breakup with an office fling that wrote me off mentally for a few months etc. Found a great gal and we’re 6 months in, getting relaxed with one another etc and I’m turning to the only place I know to come for advice.

I’m 25, she’s 29. Both openly expressed the desire to start a family in 4-5 years if things are still going well and when we’ve progressed with work and saved up accordingly.

Here’s the few flags I’ve noticed, or am I just overreacting?

1. If she gets drunk with her girlfriends, she’ll occasionally flip the mood, she’ll be hot headed, angry and frustrated when I don’t let her come back to mine at 10-11pm, happened three times. Next morning I will wake up to a few missed calls and her apologising. I tell her it’s not on but I don’t think it’s registering.
2. She’s had 3 relationships prior to me, one long term and two short ones, which the men all finished it. All out of the picture and have moved far away.
3. She disrespected drunk me in front of her friends once, I took her to one side and said that won’t fly and I’ll leave the relationship faster than I started it. She apologised, cried, then she was then paranoid about me ending things for a few days.
4. She’s mentioned a few times that if we don’t fundamentally agree on something profound like moving near to her parents if we start a family, its pointless to keep a relationship going to “save” her the heartbreak.
5. Past two times we’ve been out drinking socially etc, the next morning she’s woke up and will say “we didn’t argue last night”

Now I’m in a state of uncertainty to be fair. I’m working on my purpose, looking at passive income streams, saving up well, enjoying and doing better than ever in my career and hitting the gym. Here’s some benefits of the relationship that are keeping me happy still.

1. She’s very attractive, 8/10
2. She’s told me when I’ve been out with her friends or work colleague that they all think I’m attractive, great catch and that I hold myself confidently
3. Got a fantastic job with great progression, decent wage
4. Great family network, great father figure
5. We give each other amble space to enjoy our own time (something which I was blindsided with on my last relationship) and something I see massively valuable
6. No drug use
7. She’s mature, older than me but I prefer that massively when it comes to dating
8. Sex is fantastic, frequent and best I’ve probably had to be fair. When I’m with her, it’s easily multiple times and hasn’t dropped.

What are your guys thoughts? Should I just enjoy the ride?

 

[jaymbrs]

She sounds very insecure and damaged. She needs to cut back on the boozing. It sounds like it's a problem. And honestly, if you're not willing to move near her parents after procreating, then you probably should let her know now.

 

[2Rocky]

From a family perspective she is in the 4th quarter of her child birthing years. Do her girlfriends have children? How is she around them?

The drunk 3x with her girlfriends and getting hot headed in ONLY 6 months, is a warning sign with me. I've been with the same woman for 3 years and never had her lose control drinking. I find alcohol exaggerates a persons true nature.

 

[Hal9000]

She sounds like a fun college girlfriend that never grew up. You can try to "save" her if you want but let the buyer beware.

 

[rAFCOliver]

She sounds very insecure and damaged. She needs to cut back on the boozing. It sounds like it's a problem. And honestly, if you're not willing to move near her parents after procreating, then you probably should let her know now.

Insecure, yes definitely agree. The moving thing is not an issue to be fair, its about 25-30 minutes journey, doesn’t impact my commute to much. I couldn’t get my head around how this was something to bring up 6 months in without just enjoying the relationship and seeing how it naturally progresses. Appreciate the advice

 

[rAFCOliver]

From a family perspective she is in the 4th quarter of her child birthing years. Do her girlfriends have children? How is she around them?

The drunk 3x with her girlfriends and getting hot headed in ONLY 6 months, is a warning sign with me. I've been with the same woman for 3 years and never had her lose control drinking. I find alcohol exaggerates a persons true nature.

This is the surprising thing about it all. Two bestfriends, no children. Extended friend group the odd one here and there. Work colleagues, the odd few have them. She’s fine around them, she’s also expressed how she doesn’t even want them at all for a few years due to career progression. The drunk arguement thing that rears it’s head now and then is starting to wear away at me though. Appreciate the advice.

 

[bcude]

Insecure, yes definitely agree. The moving thing is not an issue to be fair, its about 25-30 minutes journey, doesn’t impact my commute to much. I couldn’t get my head around how this was something to bring up 6 months in without just enjoying the relationship and seeing how it naturally progresses. Appreciate the advice

I hear you, women always want to know if they can count on you in the long term and fulfill her agenda down the road. Especially insecure ones (aka pretty much all of them). My ex threw this multiple times at me "if this isn't something for you let me know now rather than later so we save ourselves time".
Just the biggest turnoff ever and makes me think. If they really feel like they've secured the best man they can they will be more concerned in making sure he's satisfied in every way than putting out some sort of demand, but every woman will test the waters to see what they can get away with. Of course it's important to share the big values going forward in life but wouldn't count this as one. Remember women are the realists when it comes to "love", and men the idealists and these sort of comments is where it gets really obvious.
Saving her the heartbreak is just another way of trying to get her way and see how you react. Could be sensible because of practical reasons, but doesn't sound like a dealbreaker for the whole LTR.

Her insecurity is going to wear on you more and more. The alcohol problem and disrespect is definately of huge concern and will be alot of headache for you.

 

[andreihaha]

I hear you, women always want to know if they can count on you in the long term and fulfill her agenda down the road. Especially insecure ones (aka pretty much all of them). My ex threw this multiple times at me "if this isn't something for you let me know now rather than later so we save ourselves time".
Just the biggest turnoff ever and makes me think. If they really feel like they've secured the best man they can they will be more concerned in making sure he's satisfied in every way than putting out some sort of demand, but every woman will test the waters to see what they can get away with. Of course it's important to share the big values going forward in life but wouldn't count this as one. Remember women are the realists when it comes to "love", and men the idealists and these sort of comments is where it gets really obvious.
Saving her the heartbreak is just another way of trying to get her way and see how you react. Could be sensible because of practical reasons, but doesn't sound like a dealbreaker for the whole LTR.

Her insecurity is going to wear on you more and more. The alcohol problem and disrespect is definately of huge concern and will be alot of headache for you.

Great comment.
I would add that people react differently sometimes to different types of alcohol.
So even if you enjoy having a few drinks when you go out, you might be able to adjust it a bit.
Not sure how you can suggest it tho...maybe go for a "Let's do a drunk week, beer Monday, wine Tuesday etc." I bet she's gonna dig that.
I know I would, and I'm probably fairly close to being an alcoholic. But I'm not a mean one .

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

I don't know why any enlightened men these days would want to get married or have children period. Odds are 50% that your going to spend a large chunk of your life handing over child support or taking turns raising rug rats every other week on your own. It's a losing proposition for a man to get married and your chick sounds damaged and crazy already so this doesn't bode well for the future. If the sex is really good string her along for a few years, by that time you'll be bored with her and move on. Never ever get married or have kids, its not worth ruining your life over.

 

[andreihaha]

I don't know why any enlightened men these days would want to get married or have children period. Odds are 50% that your going to spend a large chunk of your life handing over child support or taking turns raising rug rats every other week on your own. It's a losing proposition for a man to get married and your chick sounds damaged and crazy already so this doesn't bode well for the future. If the sex is really good string her along for a few years, by that time you'll be bored with her and move on. Never ever get married or have kids, its not worth ruining your life over.

Why?
Because it is the normal progression of life.
You must be very young to eat up all the hedonistic propaganda.
As you get wiser, you get better at picking a suitable mate and that 50% chance you're talking about goes fairly close to 0.
You might not remember my comment but in a few years you'll realise that yourself.

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

You must be very young to eat up all the hedonistic propaganda.

Im 53 and I wish I could go back and tell my 18 yr old self to get a vasectomy and stay single forever. I thought I had a good one and 19 yrs later im realizing how stupid I was, how evil she really is and how much sweeter my life could have been had I never met her.
19 yrs carrying around the anchor of child support and a greedy ex will make any man cynical and I have 3 more to go.
You might not remember my comment but in a few years you'll realize that yourself.

 

[andreihaha]

Im 53 and I wish I could go back and tell my 18 yr old self to get a vasectomy and stay single forever. I thought I had a good one and 19 yrs later im realizing how stupid I was, how evil she really is and how much sweeter my life could have been had I never met her.
19 yrs carrying around the anchor of child support and a greedy ex will make any man cynical and I have 3 more to go.
You might not remember my comment but in a few years you'll realize that yourself.

I'm sorry it happened to you, I am.
But that is not a reason to badly influence other people's perception about life.
You said you made the mistake of not seeing the truth for 19 years. You have to admit that's not really a model to follow.
Ok, getting married and having kids too young, while you don't know what you're doing? Probably not a wise decision.
But not wanting children or a wife, period? Sounds really salty.
What's your purpose in life?

And to go on topic for a little bit, OP, you're the one to decide if her flaws are bothering you enough.
Women change, you know.
Men get together with women, hoping they would never change, but they do.
Women get together with men, hoping they would change them, but they never do.

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

But not wanting children or a wife, period? Sounds really salty.
What's your purpose in life?

Maybe I been listening to too much Tom Leykis on YouTube lately, lol. I just think marriage and kids are a dangerous proposition versus the potential rewards but each man has to figure out the path right for him I suppose.
My purpose in life now is to do exactly what I want when I want and how I want. My mantra is , " I live life for me and I answer to no one", especially a woman. Don't want to see you young bucks make the same mistakes I did.

 

[2Rocky]

Maybe I been listening to too much Tom Leykis on YouTube lately, lol. I just think marriage and kids are a dangerous proposition versus the potential rewards but each man has to figure out the path right for him I suppose.
My purpose in life now is to do exactly what I want when I want and how I want. My mantra is , " I live life for me and I answer to no one", especially a woman. Don't want to see you young bucks make the same mistakes I did.

That guy made the mistake 4 times...guess he finally learned from it?
I've been there and done that - Married at 21, first kid at 23, 2 more kids, divorced at 43. Sometimes the right person for 20 year old you is NOT the right person for you at 40. Career and Kids can and does change a person and their outlook on life. I think I had too low of expectations when I got married, and I saw there was more to life, while my ex wife stayed in her bubble and never had that growth.

Looking back I, and my parents, attributed my personal growth between 18-20 as being her influence when It was actually my own. Having an attractive and codependent partner was a byproduct of that. Had we parted ways at 20 and she had been on her own for 5 years we might have reconnected on a more even footing or I would have moved on.

Either way I'm recommending guys wait until 25 and own their first home before marrying and start a family

 

[rAFCOliver]

Fantastic advice, as always. Thank you. Especially the comments I’ve liked. For me, for now, I’m satisfied enough to enjoy the ride and progression of the relationship. Simple takeaways are pretty obvious, if it’s wearing down on me, if more flags arise, it’s time to protect myself only and call it quits until the next time. Appreciate it lads.

 

[John9999]

The mean drunk. Been there with 3 women including my ex wife. RUN FOREST, run. Now.

 

[Suave88]

She goes to drink with her girlfriends and you stay behind.........and she comes home to you drunk at 10:00PM 11:00PM....?
This has never been my girlfriend.

 

[EyeBRollin]

The red flag is the alcohol. Do you want an angry drunk to be the mother of your children? Have a serious talk with her about her alcohol habits. Let her know that if you don’t see immediate improvement, you’ll have to reconsider the direction of the relationship (don’t give her a direct ultimatum, just hint at such).

 

[bcude]

Mauser your input is usually similar to how i would approach things but any good guy whos been through the wringer knows heart to hearts almost never work.

There is nothing wrong with expressing your stance on certain matters that can become a problem for us down the road. You can see it more like a warning. I mean just because men are supposed to lead by action doesn't mean we're not allowed to communicate verbally about things that bother us, that's how we set our expectations with creatures that have loose or no boundaries in general. I think rollo said something like "we can't buy a good relationship, only create one".
Having two different people come together in a relationship with different needs and wants certainly calls for some overt communication if we want a human experience. Soft nexting etc. comes later.

 

[2Rocky]

The alcohol incidents would be cause for downgrading to FB status.