I had my ex over last night.
TLDR: we had sex and i felt great for an hour or two after she left but then i felt weird and violated or something and i'm not sure where that feeling is coming from. has anyone had similar and has found out why?
I came in here just to troll guru. Sorry about that. Your posts are long and tough to get through.
Exes are out of your life for a reason. I've gotten back with exes, and it was like new again at the start, but the old problems resurfaced, eventually.
The relationship had ended over a year ago and it was a weird rocky end where we both felt hurt in our own ways. After the break up we both individually did our own soul searching. I struggled with pot for a bit but I've been living the monk life recently and challenging myself as best as I can to stay sober and find healthy outlets. Recently I found out that so has she.
Good man. Self-deprivation will make you stronger. No dependence on anything.
Anyway she was reaching out every month or two with strange mixed signals talking about meeting up that I thought were breadcrumbs. she had backed out of meeting up to talk about the past even though it was her idea so I sent her a somewhat long email explaining what i thought about different events in the relationship and how i would only consider dating her if she's completely sober and meets me in the middle. i figured she could get what she was looking for in a talk out of that email. i also mentioned how i used a lot of our sex as a sort of crutch to not deal with my own issues. after a couple days she responded with an email almost as long with her own explanations and confessions. it provided a lot of clarity to the situation and showed me what i did that really hurt her that i didn't think much of. she also confessed how hard it is for her to openly communicate among other things, but it was all pretty reasonable and rational.
This is out of my wheelhouse, as I've never been so open and honest through email or text. I feel like you're losing some of that stoicism you were working on.
i responded by texting her that i was impressed by the email but felt we should talk more in person to avoid confusion. she ended up coming over within the hour and we talked about casual things before i escalated and we had sex. she was subtly reluctant but i could tell a part of her wanted it and i capitalized. i actually avoided talking about the past too much because i wanted to conquer her so i stayed present and funny. while the sex was satisfying it wasn't as satisfying as when we gave 100% of each other to the other in the best times of our relationship. she mentioned not to leave marks or finish inside her which is understandable but irked me a bit. she also mentioned how she doesn't want this to be 'a thing' and i told her that she's over thinking it. after sex we laid and talked for a bit again about casual things and i mentioned that we should do this pretty much never since it probably only feeds our sex addictions. she agreed. i said that if we do see each other we should do it outside the bedroom to help foster something more healthy, she again agreed. i saw her out as both of us had other things to get done that day.
You're talking like a woman now (you were before a little bit), which is never a good thing. We all have those feelings, but as a man, you can't express them without repercussions.
for an hour or so i felt great and manly for having had some good sex but after a few hours i started feeling quite crappy. it's now the next morning and i'm still internalizing this feeling and trying to figure out what it means. i think it's unrequited love. i think i was expecting a sort of reciprocation of more depth from her but i sensed her hesitation to do that and so i feel a bit used or something. it's almost like i want her to jump in my arms and be 100% mine again, to commit to me completely like she once did, but i've said and done things long ago that have deeply hurt her feelings so her hesitation is absolutely understandable if she still hasn't forgiven me completely.
This is definitely ego. It's in our DNA to want women to always be ours after we've been with them. If they don't reciprocate, we take it as an affront to our manhood. We all feel it, bro.
i know that love is built slowly so why the hell am i expecting her to jump into my arms? am i trying to avoid forgiving myself or working on myself? why am i even thinking about all this? we all read material that says thinking about relationships is feminine, yet i'm getting older and have thoughts of starting a family. am i using these thoughts of family to avoid working on myself? it's almost like i want to start a family to fill a void, but that doesn't sound like a very healthy reason to start a family. we talk about abundance and unconditional love so i should be simply enjoying her company and letting her go when she doesn't want to commit to me completely. unconditional love would mean not feeling so crappy like this, so i must have had sex with her to try and get something more from her. i don't understand why i want her complete commitment so quickly and so badly. am i identifying with her attraction towards me?
Love is situational. There's no building love. If a woman wasn't a good candidate for love the last time you were with her, she won't be any better now.
I was also taught that relationships are feminine. Bullsh1t. Relationships are a natural way of life, for most of us, in order to create a family and healthy offspring.
You're trying to fill a void that is natural for all of us to want to fill. This woman doesn't sound like a good candidate. You're young. You have plenty of time to find a suitable candidate. Church is the best place. And move to the south or midwest if you can.
i think it boils down to that i could sense her hesitation or that she hasn't forgiven me completely. i honestly don't want to take her out on a date because i could sense that hesitation from her and it's not a good feeling. i don't want to be around a person that doesn't want to be with me or deep down is still upset with me and i'm not going to try and force things or convince her. it's like the pains of our past together haunt her and keep her from forgiving me and living in the moment. when i try to make things present and fun i can see her reflecting on past events and maybe being fearful of going through more of the same.
i'm torn between reaching out again to apologize about how i've hurt her in the past in an attempt to help her forgive me but something tells me it's not that easy. i could ask her what i can do to help her forgive me but the answer will probably be idk. she may also say that she doesn't hate me or dislike me and is simply apathetic. maybe that's it? that i can't accept that this person is now apathetic towards me?
i want to say something and at the same time want to say nothing at all. i think saying something will come from a place of trying to get her to commit, and that instead the right answer is the ballsy answer, to say and do nothing and let her go.
Maybe she's a PBPD and this is what it feels like on the receiving end? she needs me but hates me? so damn confusing. i'm going to see a shrink to get their take but figured i'd post here and see what you all think.
If I were you, I would let her go her own way. She is not for you in this world.
