End of 7 year LTR with oneitis. Need advice

[noneitis]

Hi everyone, I could use some advice if possible.

Met this girl when I was 25 (her 22), and I had a lot of options at the time, but ended up in serious relationship with this one.
Was great, for 7 years, now its over and don't know what to do.
No more social circle, don't even know any other women. Work alone, and can't stand clubs etc.

Last year her family had moved 4 hours away, and are now asking her to move there too, to help with an ill family member, and she agreed to.
Tells me LJBF instead of suffering a long distance.
(Her family are from a different culture, and have very close family, she had no more family here, only me past year)
I can't move there with her because of a child with an ex here and work etc.
Telling myself that she didn't love me enough, because is moving away from me, in a months time.

I said that I can't just be her friend, was I right to? I was visibly upset, she was but not as much.
Haven't spoke to her yesterday, though she has a month left here. (Her birthday also is in 2 weeks)
Do I try more to convince her to stay? Go no contact? (don't know if she deserves NC, but has hurt me)
Should I stay her friend and hope she comes back after a year, (she hinted at this)
Do I NC even on her birthday before she leaves in a month?
Or how do I move on. I have lost all other options that I had when 25 when I chose her.
Do I try online? If I meet someone, do I let her see that I'm dating someone else?
How do I now get some plates, now 32 with no social circle?

Thanks

 

[Infern0]

You can stop calling her your oneitis first off.

The fact you have no options and no social circle tells you all you need to know. What have you been doing the last 7 years? Likely you became complacent. Boring, stale.

Take this for an opportunity to rebuild your life the way it should be, you are early 30s still young, you should have a social circle. I'm not even going to reccomend looking for a rebound or anything just yet. You need to start doing the things you should be doing. Join the gym, reach out to old friends to go for a beer.

As far as this girl is concerned, it's kaput, forget about it, dont reach out to her, if she messages you you can reply to her like you would a "friendly acquaintance" she decided to walk away from you, don't be butt hurt but don't treat her like someone who has treated you really well and shown loyalty.

It's OVER with her, in the 99% unlikely situation she changes her mind on you, you can make a decision if you want to give her a second chance. But sitting around waiting for that is just a pure waste of time. Move on.

 

[AttackFormation]

I said that I can't just be her friend, was I right to? I was visibly upset, she was but not as much.
Do I try more to convince her to stay? Go no contact? (don't know if she deserves NC, but has hurt me)
Should I stay her friend and hope she comes back after a year, (she hinted at this)
Do I NC even on her birthday before she leaves in a month?
Or how do I move on. I have lost all other options that I had when 25 when I chose her.
Do I try online? If I meet someone, do I let her see that I'm dating someone else?
How do I now get some plates, now 32 with no social circle?

Thanks

- Only you can say whether you were right to, we can't tell you what you feel.
- Don't try to make her do anything, let her do what she needs to do.
- You should not expect anything about the future or let the present affect the past. Just be glad for the time you enjoyed in itself, look to meet other women who are as good as her or better.
- I have no opinion on going NC.
- You move on through the philosophy of acceptance, specifically of change.
- Online dating is the last thing you should be doing right now. You need to rebuild a real life to build yourself up again, and OLD is a shyt medium for dating for most men anyway.
- You get some plates by building up your real life again with social spheres, doing things you enjoy or don't mind doing that have available women in them. DON'T try to use OLD or antisocial media, that will just be a waste of time and a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with your life and yourself.

 

[noneitis]

Thanks guys, good advice.

By the way, I just meant no options/ social circle as in with women, I play for 2 sports teams but only really ever been around guys, and her.
Ok I will not do online, and will try to do a class somewhere, where I may meet women.
With regards to her, she moves in a month, told her I can't be her friend after this, and I guess I have been butthurt about it, should I just let her know that I accept it, and wish her luck, or will that be bad for me?
She will still be here on her birthday, will I just wish her happy birthday casually like a friend, and just return what I'd got her?

Any recommended reading/viewing for now, whilst I spend the next few weeks/months trying to move on, and sort my life out

thanks

 

[Suave88]

Hi everyone, I could use some advice if possible.

Met this girl when I was 25 (her 22), and I had a lot of options at the time, but ended up in serious relationship with this one.
Was great, for 7 years, now its over and don't know what to do.
No more social circle, don't even know any other women. Work alone, and can't stand clubs etc.

Last year her family had moved 4 hours away, and are now asking her to move there too, to help with an ill family member, and she agreed to.
Tells me LJBF instead of suffering a long distance.
(Her family are from a different culture, and have very close family, she had no more family here, only me past year)
I can't move there with her because of a child with an ex here and work etc.
Telling myself that she didn't love me enough, because is moving away from me, in a months time.

I said that I can't just be her friend, was I right to? I was visibly upset, she was but not as much.
Haven't spoke to her yesterday, though she has a month left here. (Her birthday also is in 2 weeks)
Do I try more to convince her to stay? Go no contact? (don't know if she deserves NC, but has hurt me)
Should I stay her friend and hope she comes back after a year, (she hinted at this)
Do I NC even on her birthday before she leaves in a month?
Or how do I move on. I have lost all other options that I had when 25 when I chose her.
Do I try online? If I meet someone, do I let her see that I'm dating someone else?
How do I now get some plates, now 32 with no social circle?

Thanks

32??? What do you do for a living?

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Sorry this happened man. It's never easy, no matter what some may say, if it was 7 years long.

Infern0 summed things up very nicely and briefly.

To answer your subsequent questions:
You did the right thing rejecting the friendzone but should have stayed unemotional about it. It's not the end of the world that you got angry but don't do it again. Don't give her the satisfaction, and it won't help you regardless if what ultimately happens with you.

Yes, you should absolutely return the gift!!! Tell her happy birthday kindly and genuinely and leave it at that. No card, no gift. She made the decision to go without collaboration with you, you explained the terms of what you were willing and not willing to have, she chose, and what she chose was to move on and leave you in her past. Do NOT feel the least bit guilty if she tries to manipulate you into feeling like your friendzone decision is wrong. First of all, it isn't (as anyone here will tell you), and second of all, the biggest way to screw yourself and a relationship up is to let women be the judge of what is wrong and what is right. No. YOU are the judge.

As to what to say to her, don't say you accept it because you don't accept it (her offer). I'm not sure why you even think you need to say anything about it at all. What's to say? She's TOLD you what SHE is doing. When someone tells you what they are doing, it requires no response. Only questions require a response. You've already had dialogue with her about it, told her your position, and that's it.

I would strongly advise you to start implementing Infern0's advice immediately, and doing it in such a way that you are around her as LEAST as possible until she's gone. Stay away from your apartment/house. Sleep in another room. Treat her like you would a platonic roommate who you get along with but aren't friends with and don't spend time with.

Hit up the guys on your teams who are single and go out with them for beers and other stuff. Take some fitness classes. Stay busy, and away from her.

Doing all this often causes a girl to come back around but it's almost ALWAYS because she feels insecure that suddenly you no longer act needy or that you've moved on easily. It's a trap and do not fall for it. Don't give her the satisfaction and know that if you do fall for it, you will take a big self esteem hit and make it that much harder for yourself and easier for her. Anything other than her telling you, "I've made a mistake and I don't want to move. I want to stay here with you" should be generally met with either silence, or "hey really busy right now, let's chat later" and try to actually BE busy and not just fake it, but if you have to fake it, I would advise you to do so.

Stay strong. Read the stuff here in the library. Stay away from OLD unless you're an 8 or your taste in women is..... indiscriminate.

It may take you a year or two to really get over her. But you'll come out of it much stronger, wiser, and more confident than you are today which will be a reward you'll enjoy the rest of your life.

Oh, and don't play games by showing up with another girl around her. You aren't going to get her back doing that and you don't want to get her back.

Stay strong.

 

[Black Widow Void]

A seven year relationship is a long time for anyone. If any member believes that this long investment can be shaken off over night, I'd strongly disagree.

My advice is to accept (as bitter a pill as it is to swallow) that this relationship has reached its end. The next thing is to look for things (interests you may have neglected while in the relationship) and follow those dreams.

The last thing you want to do... is to immediately jump into another relationship. Non-committal fun is one thing, but otherwise.... take time to allow the sadness and anger to dissipate.

Most of us have dated women with baggage. If you browse enough on this forum, you'll also see plenty of men still carrying around baggage too. Your goal should be to heal first and not turn into one of them.

 

[Focal core]

Most of us have dated women with baggage. If you browse enough on this forum, you'll also see plenty of men still carrying around baggage too. Your goal should be to heal first and not turn into one of them.

Avoid tripping out on them each time you've taken your step. Sort out those baggage

 

[Infern0]

A seven year relationship is a long time for anyone. If any member believes that this long investment can be shaken off over night, I'd strongly disagree.

My advice is to accept (as bitter a pill as it is to swallow) that this relationship has reached its end. The next thing is to look for things (interests you may have neglected while in the relationship) and follow those dreams.

The last thing you want to do... is to immediately jump into another relationship. Non-committal fun is one thing, but otherwise.... take time to allow the sadness and anger to dissipate.

Most of us have dated women with baggage. If you browse enough on this forum, you'll also see plenty of men still carrying around baggage too. Your goal should be to heal first and not turn into one of them.

100% it will Ned a recovery period.

I suggest OP in the meantime take advantage of his new found freedom. Get through the first few weeks then he can process the breakup with a bit of space.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I just noticed that you are new here. Welcome aboard
Here's part II (answers to your questions)

I said that I can't just be her friend, was I right to?

Absolutely! You were being honest with yourself and honest to her - a true sign of being a man.

I was visibly upset, she was but not as much.

I’m sure that this is due to the fact that she’s had time to think this over and process... for you, it’s a sudden surprise.

I Haven't spoke to her yesterday, though she has a month left here. (Her birthday also is in 2 weeks)

I know this will not be easy, but hear me out. Cold as this may seem, she made a decision. Let her live with this for her remainder time here. There’s no sense in prolonging your healing, and per her choice, you have no further responsibility to her emotional welfare.

Do I try more to convince her to stay?

Wish I could respond more favorably, but doing so will only deplete your energy.

Go no contact? (don't know if she deserves NC, but has hurt me)

Yes. Go “no contact” but do this for yourself.

Should I stay her friend and hope she comes back after a year, (she hinted at this)

This is one time when I agree with other forum members. Base any truths upon her actions and behavior – and *not* on her words.

Do I NC even on her birthday before she leaves in a month?

If you’re human, you’ll be tempted to use this as an excuse for contact. Take it from someone that’s been around the block (more than once) you’ll end up feeling defeated.

Or how do I move on. I have lost all other options that I had when 25 when I chose her.

This is a hard lesson that we all learn at some point. We want to please our partner and so, we put aside our passions and pursuits (thinking that it will enhance the relationship.) When the relationship is over, we’re left depleted.

Do I try online?

No.

I meet someone, do I let her see that I'm dating someone else?

No. Doing so, will only ‘communicate’ that you are vying for her attention.

How do I now get some plates, now 32 with no social circle?

Take time to first process things. Women have a strong perception and can practically smell someone that is walking wounded. Start gradual with some ‘light hearted fun.’ Go out to coffee shops, clubs or even join meetups. We all experience some rejection in the game. Expect it to occur. If it doesn't ... then you haven'et put yourself out there at all. The goal (once you've healed) is when one door slams, smile and knock on the next.

 

[noneitis]

Thanks guys, all of the replies are great, a huge help. I'm glad I found here, because I would've had nowhere to talk about it.
The advice is making sense, I guess I need to change my mindset. I've always been in a relationship since 16, never really been single or alone, and need to see it as a positive thing. And I should avoid looking to find a new girlfriend, but in a few months maybe, find girls to hang out with. Be ok with being alone.
Feeling better, but still hurt, just hoping that I can not think about her and stay strong if she speaks to me or changes her mind, I can't go back.
Thanks again, I'm sure I'll have an update soon, hopefully implement everything advised here

 

[AttackFormation]

I've always been in a relationship since 16, never really been single or alone, and need to see it as a positive thing. And I should avoid looking to find a new girlfriend, but in a few months maybe, find girls to hang out with. Be ok with being alone.

There we go - this is the real challenge you need to deal with, and this woman was only a symptom that reveals the issue to you. You need to research, introspect, and solve this to make yourself whole without a woman to plug the gap in your selfesteem and sense of self.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Thanks guys, all of the replies are great, a huge help. I'm glad I found here, because I would've had nowhere to talk about it.
The advice is making sense, I guess I need to change my mindset. I've always been in a relationship since 16, never really been single or alone, and need to see it as a positive thing. And I should avoid looking to find a new girlfriend, but in a few months maybe, find girls to hang out with. Be ok with being alone.
Feeling better, but still hurt, just hoping that I can not think about her and stay strong if she speaks to me or changes her mind, I can't go back.
Thanks again, I'm sure I'll have an update soon, hopefully implement everything advised here

Your relationship decisions should be logical, not emotional. If you were in a healthy mindset then you would feel aversion when she devalued you because in your reality you believe you are worth much more. Rather than try to convince her or agree with her valuation you simply disagree in the form of politely disengaging.

The only girls you should see are Jill(your left hand) and Palmila(your right hand) until you feel ready to date again. Listen to your soul. You're asking yourself a lot of questions and probably only half believe the advice being given to you here. You'll know you're all better when you're decisive once again, when you have the answers to your own questions. That decisiveness is what attracts women in the first place, a man that knows what he wants and isn't afraid to speak it and go after it.

What you need to constantly remind yourself for the immediate future is that you own your past and present. You own your mistakes, stand by them, and will work not to repeat them. No shame, no guilt, you are accountable for your feelings and your current situation, and you'll use this event as a catalyst to propel yourself to new highs. Absolute shameless responsibility over yourself is attractive, it's masculine, it's what will provide the spine you need.

Ideally you don't even jack off but that's next to impossible for most after a break up. See if you can taper off though, it's a coping mechanism after all. Relish in the freedom and discomfort, it'll mold you into someone completely new.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Bruh the fact that she friendzoned you after 7 years means she really isn't all that into you. And her not being as upset as you? Yeah, that's because her heart wasn't as in it as yours was. She also knew about the move for a while and began to mentally leave the relationship before you did so there's also that.

She's full of ****. Get out there dude.