Former FWB wants to restart but is a FLAKE!!! Options.....

[mrrippey]

Here is where I am at:

1. We were FWB from 2015 to 2017. What I will say that the sex was amazing (and it was for both parties)
2. We dug each other. What I mean is we became cool friends but the benefits was always there
3. In 2017, we took a vacation together to FL. WE had crazy good time. She changed as soon as we got home, literally once we got off the plane.
4. Fast forward a few months, she tells me she is preggers with her ex-husbands kid. I congratulate her and step off.
5. For the following year (2018), we dont see each other and text maybe 1 every 3-4 months, if that.
6. She has baby (in 2018), I congratulate her, even got her seed a gift, she is appreciative.
7. Next time I see her its summer 2018, she asks how I am doing, I tell her I still own the bakery (she knows what that means)
8. I see her again in December of 2018, tells me she wants to restart things. By this time she has moved into the same town as me, just on the other side
9. Since that time, she has asked to hang out to only flake on the day or a day before. If I say she set up 7 dates, she flaked on 5 of them. I always handle it like whatever (but each time, I dislike her more and more) but the sex...whoa! Not trying to be a d!ck, I am being 100 here.

The latest was last week. She didnt even reply to cancel she jsut never showed. She texted today apologizing talking about work being hectic, blah blah blah. Before it was her kid. Anyway, not gripe isnt the not coming, the gripe is not even sending a text to say, “hey I got caught up.” Nothing for a week.

Now have I enabled her, yes so that is my bad. My goal however is NOT to continue to enable her. She is ‘concerned’ that I am upset with her (as much as you can read from 2 texts apologizing. She wants to know if I am ‘still mad’

Right now I have not replied and was not intending to for at least a week (and maybe more).

Thoughts?

 

[Billtx49]

Here is where I am at:

1. We were FWB from 2015 to 2017. What I will say that the sex was amazing (and it was for both parties)
2. We dug each other. What I mean is we became cool friends but the benefits was always there
3. In 2017, we took a vacation together to FL. WE had crazy good time. She changed as soon as we got home, literally once we got off the plane.
4. Fast forward a few months, she tells me she is preggers with her ex-husbands kid. I congratulate her and step off.
5. For the following year (2018), we dont see each other and text maybe 1 every 3-4 months, if that.
6. She has baby (in 2018), I congratulate her, even got her seed a gift, she is appreciative.
7. Next time I see her its summer 2018, she asks how I am doing, I tell her I still own the bakery (she knows what that means)
8. I see her again in December of 2018, tells me she wants to restart things. By this time she has moved into the same town as me, just on the other side
9. Since that time, she has asked to hang out to only flake on the day or a day before. If I say she set up 7 dates, she flaked on 5 of them. I always handle it like whatever (but each time, I dislike her more and more) but the sex...whoa! Not trying to be a d!ck, I am being 100 here.

The latest was last week. She didnt even reply to cancel she jsut never showed. She texted today apologizing talking about work being hectic, blah blah blah. Before it was her kid. Anyway, not gripe isnt the not coming, the gripe is not even sending a text to say, “hey I got caught up.” Nothing for a week.

Now have I enabled her, yes so that is my bad. My goal however is NOT to continue to enable her. She is ‘concerned’ that I am upset with her (as much as you can read from 2 texts apologizing. She wants to know if I am ‘still mad’

Right now I have not replied and was not intending to for at least a week (and maybe more).

Thoughts?

Yes, your interactions with her do enable her. Her words likely mean nothing and her actions say you are a very low priority in her life. Treat her accordingly unless you want more of the same.…

 

[Robert28]

I mean do you REALLY want to be caught up in a fwb situation with someone that is obviously still messing around with their ex husband? Damn if I would. I damn sure wouldn’t have done any texting after she said she was pregnant with her ex husbands kid (could be his, could not be, you don’t know for sure). This woman sounds like she has her **** together. Not.

 

[Serenity]

She's a FWB, don't complicate it. Just tell her to let you know if she can't and that yes it is generally annoying when someone sets up a time, you hold off that time and when the time comes nothing happens. Being told in advance lets you free up that time to make other plans.

Doesn't matter if it's FWB, wife, date, your mother, a friend or anyone. It's common decency to let others know as soon as they know whether or not they'll be there. Doesn't matter if they're at work and things are hectic, it takes literally a few seconds to just send a message and most other people are able to do this. There's no good excuse, at least when it's 5/7 times, I could get it if it was like 1/20 times they simply just forgot.

If she can't make it most of the times and lets you know within a reasonable amount of time, then as you say it's not that annoying. You know that time is free and can plan to do something else. She's just a FWB anyways, so you shouldn't be much invested in it actually happening. If you just don't waste time at least it becomes a "nothing lost, nothing gained" scenario, but flaking without sending a message in advance becomes a loss of time. From what you write I get that is what your problem is, right?

Also, no point arbitrarily waiting a week or more to reply. It kinda underscores that you're more invested than you should be. Just send a reply already, tell her it does indeed annoy you when she doesn't send a message and doesn't show up and to let you know ASAP the next time she knows she can't show up.

If you get a bullsh!t reply from that or she doesn't respect that the next 2 times then sure, knock yourself out and ghost her for an eternity. Respecting other people's time is the basics of respect, sh!t does happen, but 5/7 is waaaaay too high of a ratio and inexcusable.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Stay away from moms

 

[Serenity]

Stay away from moms

Just want to add one more thing because I'm sure plenty will say to stay away. This is a FWB situation with no commitment. I get it for LTR, but for FWB? It's irrelevant, he can jump off at any time and that's the end of it. Whether she has kids or not is of no consequence to him as long as he keeps it as nothing more than FWB.

Remember, with FWB you shouldn't be invested at all. Whether she fvcks 10 other guys or has a kid with her ex is irrelevant, you're just there because you like fvcking her and she's down for it. Once you care about her ex or whatever other guys she might fvck, you can then be sure you're too invested. If you don't have feelings for a woman you don't care who else she fvcks either.

If you ever do feel you care even the slightest bit about other men in her life, back out of it. If not, keep going.

 

[teacha]

You are way too available which most likely means you don’t have better options. My advice, find other things to occupy your time and relegate this woman to the very bottom of the pile where she belongs.

 

[MillionBillionaire]

How is there soo much text in this thread when anyone with common sense and a shred of dignity would know what to do just by reading the title?


sad.. just sad.

 

[mrrippey]

Thanks for all of your replies. I appreciate each of your perspectives on this matter.
At the end, I decided to let things go. My time is much too valuable for me to sweat this or any other person/woman. I am not up on all of these new terms but at the end of the day, to me this is more about respect. If someone, anyone disrespects your time, they do not deserve your time. I am pretty firm on that. I was thinking and being greedy, trying to have my cake and eat it too and although when I was in my 20’s that seemed cool, nowadays not so much. I have sons and I do not need to show my sons this behavior. I want them to be gentlemen and that starts with me.
I admit, I really enjoyed her (not just the sex, I actually enjoyed her friendship, when it was a friendship......two years ago). That might as well be a lifetime ago. Things change, people change, feelings change. I know I opened about the sex being great (and it was) however nothing trumps respect. Nothing. The moment you allow someone to disrespect you, they will continue to do so.
I am grateful for the friendship we had and the memories made but at the end, this is not about being too available or chasing a nice piece of booty. Its about respect (or the lack thereof). And to me, that’s a dealbreaker. Im too old to play whatever games women play nowadays. I am old school.

 

[soulforge]

She flaked on you many times... Didn't turn up for a date, and didn't even bother to notify you.

In my eyes that is UNFORGIVABLE

The problem here is.. You value good sex OVER your own self respect, values and dignity...

She KNOWS this... It will only get worse. Walk away!

 

[soulforge]

Just want to add one more thing because I'm sure plenty will say to stay away. This is a FWB situation with no commitment. I get it for LTR, but for FWB? It's irrelevant, he can jump off at any time and that's the end of it. Whether she has kids or not is of no consequence to him as long as he keeps it as nothing more than FWB.

Remember, with FWB you shouldn't be invested at all. Whether she fvcks 10 other guys or has a kid with her ex is irrelevant, you're just there because you like fvcking her and she's down for it. Once you care about her ex or whatever other guys she might fvck, you can then be sure you're too invested. If you don't have feelings for a woman you don't care who else she fvcks either.

If you ever do feel you care even the slightest bit about other men in her life, back out of it. If not, keep going.

Sometimes keeping feelings completely out of a FWB situation is not possibile.

Over time... One or the other party WILL catch feelings and that is pretty much fukin guarenteed.

Its just plain simple biology.. I am pretty sure you can fuk a chick as a FWB for maybe a few months or so...

But for years? Nah someone is going to get burned.

The fact that op has created a thread about this, suggests that he is somewhat invested.

 

[mrrippey]

Soulforge, you are correct. You can’t have sex with a woman for two years and not have some feelings. Yes, I dug her. She was good people.

Did I value her sex more than my respect, well I didn’t feel like I was but that was the result.

Yes, I deaded that because, well all of the points made are valid. Unless she hits me on LinkedIn, there is no way for her to reach me. I’m not on social media of any kind. We used signal and I de registered my number. Her number is blocked so no contact. Better for the both is us anyway.

 

[Billtx49]

Did I value her sex more than my respect, well I didn’t feel like I was but that was the result.

Yes, many times when life gets emotional, the result is common sense and self realization fly out the window.…
Probably why the forum advises to keep the emotions in check to a certain extent.

 

[AttackFormation]

Yes, many times when life gets emotional, the result is common sense and self realization fly out the window.…

I think if you calculated the amount of people who are born because two mentally healthy people mutually decided to plan and then conceive a family, with a foundation for a stable economy and scientific education on parenting and relationships, you would find that most of us would not have been born if it weren't for uncommon sense being just that.

I would guess that most of us are products of uncommon sense flying out the window, or never having taken root in the first place, and that humans evolve this way precisely because the most dumb and irresponsible are the most likely to neither understand nor care about the possibility and responsibility of having children.

 

[Billtx49]

most of us would not have been born if it weren't for uncommon sense being just that. Most of us are a lineage of uncommon sense flying out the window, or never having taken root in the first place.

= Attraction
Then emotions get involved.
The key is to stay in a rational mindset during that process.…