Even talking with my mother, whom I deeply appreciate, makes me cold and angry. All I see her as is a parasite on my father even though everything seems fine.
I can not see it any other way. Outside the pub some 30+yo hag was all over me only to disapper in a cab. All I saw was self validation...
I wish I could turn back the time when I still felt alive, could even cry, had hope for thr future. All I hope for is a great war erupting to havr some escape.
Nothing feels real. I could do horrid things to people and feel no remorse anymore. Idealism is all that keeps this wretched flabby carcass human.
I do not know whether I am alive or whether ever was alive. Momentaty emotions come and go but now the hate just keeps festering in the back of the head.
Any way out I can think of is disgusting and pushing on foreward is just pure survival and keeping the close relatives content, happy, off my back or whatever you want to name it.
Nothing heals and everything hurts as soon as I am alone. This is disguating me but this is the only place where I have voiced my mind. I truly appriciate everyone giving advice be it real or joke but it really does not seem like it can help in the short term where I need to perform my best. I am neither socially skilled nor skimny enough for attracting thots that I am aroused by and even if I did I am terrified of the things I might do. I understamd now why hookers are in danger.
I wish I wasn't so negative but that comes with the post soviet upbringing.
I will try to keep posting to prove that I did not do anything stupid. If I did then it would be something great and admirable, trust me. Nothing to do with this.
But I still think that I will never be able to let myself forget the pain and anger. Pain and anger always were the driving forces in my upbringing and life. These two things seem the most real and thus will always acompany this messed up puppet of flesh and bone.
And to all the NSA agents - do not worry, I am not stupid enough to acually do any harm to others.
