Whoa... Chasing women/sex has BECOME my life. Something's wrong

[Korrupt]

I've got a great life overall--great parents, good friends (although they're all married so I practically have no social circle anymore), healthy/keep myself in shape and love lifting weights, great job that pays me well and isn't very stressful, financial independence, etc. However, I'm unhappy most of the time, and I've noticed that my happiness hinges upon women/sex. It's like all I think about anymore. I used to be able to sit at home on the weekends playing video games and be happy, but now if I don't have a date/hangout setup I feel like I'm missing out and wind up feeling depressed. But even when I get "what I want," the feeling is fleeting. The day after hooking up with a chick I'm back on the grind chasing other women, and after two or three days I'm depressed if I haven't set anything up. Actually, setting up dates/hangouts barely helps, because I know women are total bullsh!tters and most will likely flake/ghost spontaneously anyways.

For example, tonight I was supposed to have a chick over (second hookup), but she hasn't responded to a text I sent her this morning. Also texted another girl, who I was talking to last weekend and had a date setup with for Saturday, and she hasn't responded either. Same thing for like 3 others who I've just been BSing with (no dates setup). Thing is, my thought process is "if these girls respond/follow through/meet up I'm happy, and if they don't I'm unhappy."

I also have a ridiculous f*cking sex drive that sometimes makes me think I might be a sex addict. Although I'm pretty damn picky so I don't just bang any odd woman just because she has a vagina.

Feels like I'm having some kind of midlife crisis at 29.

 

[RickTheToad]

I've got a great life overall--great parents, good friends (although they're all married so I practically have no social circle anymore), healthy/keep myself in shape and love lifting weights, great job that pays me well and isn't very stressful, financial independence, etc. However, I'm unhappy most of the time, and I've noticed that my happiness hinges upon women/sex. It's like all I think about anymore. I used to be able to sit at home on the weekends playing video games and be happy, but now if I don't have a date/hangout setup I feel like I'm missing out and wind up feeling depressed. But even when I get "what I want," the feeling is fleeting. The day after hooking up with a chick I'm back on the grind chasing other women, and after two or three days I'm depressed if I haven't set anything up. Actually, setting up dates/hangouts barely helps, because I know women are total bullsh!tters and most will likely flake/ghost spontaneously anyways.

For example, tonight I was supposed to have a chick over (second hookup), but she hasn't responded to a text I sent her this morning. Also texted another girl, who I was talking to last weekend and had a date setup with for Saturday, and she hasn't responded either. Same thing for like 3 others who I've just been BSing with (no dates setup). Thing is, my thought process is "if these girls respond/follow through/meet up I'm happy, and if they don't I'm unhappy."

I also have a ridiculous f*cking sex drive that sometimes makes me think I might be a sex addict. Although I'm pretty damn picky so I don't just bang any odd woman just because she has a vagina.

Feels like I'm having some kind of midlife crisis at 29.

It's called chasing the dragon. Need to take a break and work on yourself. It will be hard at first, as you are addicted like a drug. So, take it step by step.

 

[xplt]

What do you do beside working out and playing video games?
Do you have anything that truly fullfills you?
What about a hobby like playing music or something?

 

[MatureDJ]

Feels like I'm having some kind of midlife crisis at 29.

No, you're having a sexual frustration crisis. If you could get regular sex, you would have no "crisis".

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

I've got a great life overall--great parents, good friends (although they're all married so I practically have no social circle anymore), healthy/keep myself in shape and love lifting weights, great job that pays me well and isn't very stressful, financial independence, etc. However, I'm unhappy most of the time, and I've noticed that my happiness hinges upon women/sex. It's like all I think about anymore. I used to be able to sit at home on the weekends playing video games and be happy, but now if I don't have a date/hangout setup I feel like I'm missing out and wind up feeling depressed. But even when I get "what I want," the feeling is fleeting. The day after hooking up with a chick I'm back on the grind chasing other women, and after two or three days I'm depressed if I haven't set anything up. Actually, setting up dates/hangouts barely helps, because I know women are total bullsh!tters and most will likely flake/ghost spontaneously anyways.

For example, tonight I was supposed to have a chick over (second hookup), but she hasn't responded to a text I sent her this morning. Also texted another girl, who I was talking to last weekend and had a date setup with for Saturday, and she hasn't responded either. Same thing for like 3 others who I've just been BSing with (no dates setup). Thing is, my thought process is "if these girls respond/follow through/meet up I'm happy, and if they don't I'm unhappy."

I also have a ridiculous f*cking sex drive that sometimes makes me think I might be a sex addict. Although I'm pretty damn picky so I don't just bang any odd woman just because she has a vagina.

Feels like I'm having some kind of midlife crisis at 29.

You're validated by the amount of sexual attention you're receiving from women because it seems easier to attain than validation from yourself. In fact the exact opposite is true, women can never fulfill that for you. You're probably coming off as needy or boring because you're afraid of working through some underlying resentment you have toward yourself for not creating the exciting life you envisioned when you were younger and you're using the distraction of drama and validation these women occasionally provide as a topical bandaid for your bruised ego. Ironically by continuing this same path you are perpetuating the very existence you despise, spending time chasing girls rather than building a life that brings you a sense of abundance and fulfillment.

Forgive yourself, accept your current situation, and don't be afraid to go after what your soul is telling you. A life of ease leads nowhere.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

No, you're having a sexual frustration crisis. If you could get regular sex, you would have no "crisis".

You better break that drought.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

You can get laid. No problem. The issue is that as someone else said you are getting your high off the conquest. So you pick up a chick, you bang, you get your fix and your dopamine hit and then you feel depressed when the high wears off.

Right now you retain standards on who you’ll bang. In time you will not have standards. I just broke off with a man who has the same issue. He also happens to be a compulsive gambler, alcoholic and is starting into the drug scene. Not good. All from pleasure seeking behaviors that salve his ego and help him feel better in the moment...but it is fleeting.

It’s no different to your dopamine receptors than compulsive gambling, actual drugs (well it’s not quite as bad as that would be), and thrill seeking.

What hooks your brain is the intermittent reinforcement. So the uncertainty of whether or not you get the lay actually hooks you harder. Same reason gamblers get hooked (intermittent reinforcement).

Add to this the fact that your sense of self worth and your ego are bound up in whether you get the conquest or not and you’ve got a strong deep link into your psyche and your sense of who you are.

So you are hungering after the lay/novelty/conquest and you crave it...feel better about yourself for a short time and then you crash (depression), low self esteem etc...which has you chasing the next conquest (fix/high) again.

Like any addictive behavior it will leave you empty and wanting as you have observed.

Part 1 of dealing with it is recognition. You are there and that is good.

Part 2 is changing your brain’s pattern and subconscious expectation. That is much more challenging. Not impossible, but challenging.

You change your pattern through conscious effort and intent and you take different action. You do this incrementally in steps. So today you take inventory of yourself and where you are & you look at what you do & how you feel today. Work out. Do not obsess about your prospects. Do a work project. Pray. Meditate. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Attend a class or a ballgame. Something to help occupy your time besides obsessing over women.

Each day you do the same thing. In a week you’ll feel less pull. In a month, less. In several months, less. You need to arrive at a place where you are enough. All by yourself. You have lost that at the moment.

But you need to break it down in bites that you can give yourself (+) feedback for accomplishing. Otherwise you’ll get overwhelmed and you’ll quit easily.

Think about your long term goals. How do you want your life to look in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, 30 years. Be brutally honest with yourself.

Your long term map is the compass to guide the actions you take today. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step and all that.

Where do you want to end up?

What small things can you do today to go in the correct (for you) direction?

My ex BF is in a ghastly struggle with this at approaching 50 years of age. It is no fooling around.

Paging @fastlife

 

[fastlife]

Yo what's up @BeExcellent.

Anyway, kind of piggy-backing off what she said, you don't have a SEX problem, you have a VALIDATION PROBLEM. You aren't really getting off from the sex itself. It's more about APPROVAL-SEEKING.

The good news is that since you're aware you have a problem, you have the power to solve it. The bad news is that since you're aware you have a problem, you're responsible for solving it.

No amount of sex will ever give you meaningful fulfillment. Sex is meaningless. It doesn't change anything. It isn't the foundation of a personality. You are the exact same person before and after fvcking any girl you'll ever fvck. Attaching meaning to sex or putting too much importance on it will fvck up your game. The problem is 1.) We do have a sex drive and 2.) There's a sh1t ton of social conditioning that makes you think that having (or not having) sex is a reflection of your self-worth and your value as a man. But it's really just another form of PEDESTALIZATION and NEEDINESS--and chances are that's coming through in your vibe.

I think you should definitely take up meditation. I go in depth on that here. But I also think you need to start breaking habits that you're ego is attaching itself to. You need to start proving to your brain that not getting laid for a couple weeks isn't gonna kill you. I would make a game of it--see how much sex you can turn down or, if you're out and about, just start saying off-the-wall sh1t that you would think would actively sabotages your chances (the funny thing is girls eat that sh1t up). Not many guys build up enough abundance (and abundance is a state of mind) where they ever turn down sex. And when/if you do have sex, get out of your head. Focus 100% on just the physical moment--because that's all it is--everything else is just in your head. It'll make sex more enjoyable, without attaching more importance on it that what it is.

 

[Korrupt]

Thanks for the replies. I also have this weird feeling like "time is running" out and I need to fit as many women in as possible before it does... Even though I'm only 29. It's bizarre and obviously isn't a good thing. I used to only set up dates/hangouts over the weekend, but now I'm trying to fit women in literally whenever I have free time. You all are right--it's like a complete addiction/obsession. And not even to sex, because I won't just fvck anyone who has a vagina. This all further doesn't make sense because I've dated/slept with more women than probably 90+% of the world's population.

 

[Plinco]

Thanks for the replies. I also have this weird feeling like "time is running" out and I need to fit as many women in as possible before it does... Even though I'm only 29. It's bizarre and obviously isn't a good thing. I used to only set up dates/hangouts over the weekend, but now I'm trying to fit women in literally whenever I have free time. You all are right--it's like a complete addiction/obsession. And not even to sex, because I won't just fvck anyone who has a vagina. This all further doesn't make sense because I've dated/slept with more women than probably 90+% of the world's population.

Do you ever keep a journal?

 

[DariusTheBartender]

This one hits me deep because I'm about 10 years older than you and I went down this rabbit hole the last ten years... I dont regret the whole thing but I know now I've gone too far. The more and more you have just sex the harder it will be to be in a normal relationship. I sleep with pretty hot women most AFCs wouldnt have a chance with, but at the end of the day... just like you... if the next one isn't lined up or literally on top or under me... I find it's easy to get depressed. And I get this wild feeling the AFC who slept with 7 women his whole life may be a lot damn happier than I am.

You realize you are heading down the dark path at least well before I did... and I haven't figured out how to get out... cold Turkey, start real dating, gradually reduce casual sex... I dont know... but at least you got to step 1. Dont go till you are almost 40... I'm telling you... the happiness from a 10 or wild threesome that would last for a month now lasts for maybe 24 hours.

 

[zonn]

You should see a sex therapist, they are trained to deal with addiction.

 

[The Duke]

I think there is a lot of us that have spent some time down this same road. In fact, I'm not sure how you ever get really good with women unless you've gone thru this stage. But at some point you have to make a change and realize there is nothing else to prove.

 

[malz1]

This is natural as a man. Your biology is commanding you to spread your seed for as much as possible before you pass away. It's not a mere dopamine addiction. Others will tell you it's abnormal or group it with some psychological issue but the truth is that men have high sex drives and think about sex almost every minute or so. Sex pervades our society in almost every major facet. Calling it something else is just a cope.

Follow your programming to produce a legacy.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I still have this in my 40s, it slows but it never stops. I now hold Learning on equal footing as getting laid throughout my week. So it's now a 50/50. If I don't get laid, ok, I'll just spend more time reading or workout longer or more kinda (don't wanna overdo it). It's like ok, so you're gonna flake now? ok, go ahead, I go back to reading/self improvement if I can't find another to take her place on short notice. The underlying current though in my free time is Learning (or reading about a whole array of subjects/topics). I no longer get dejected with no response. A Real Flake does fvckin p!ss me off, cause I was gearing up for it getting all my ducks in a row. I've had my fill of sex to last a few months. The tank needs to be refilled though after that amount of time though, but I am well-sexed and never forget what it would be like, foreplay, entering her, kissing, suckin her t!ts, just exploring female eroticism, can't get enough of it, but I could never turn back the clock and say well, because I haven't had sex in a while, I must be virgin again. No, I'm forever imprinted by numerous sexual experiences, you may even say drowned, but of course, going without sex for a long while, you begin to change, maybe for the Better. I notice that people react to me more favorably when I have NOT had sex in a long while. It's like they see me as more pure or something. Just a feelin or awareness I've gotten over the years, could be a placebo feeling but I think it's a real phenomenon.

 

[Focal core]

I've got a great life overall--great parents, good friends (although they're all married so I practically have no social circle anymore), healthy/keep myself in shape and love lifting weights, great job that pays me well and isn't very stressful, financial independence, etc. However, I'm unhappy most of the time, and I've noticed that my happiness hinges upon women/sex. It's like all I think about anymore. I used to be able to sit at home on the weekends playing video games and be happy, but now if I don't have a date/hangout setup I feel like I'm missing out and wind up feeling depressed. But even when I get "what I want," the feeling is fleeting. The day after hooking up with a chick I'm back on the grind chasing other women, and after two or three days I'm depressed if I haven't set anything up. Actually, setting up dates/hangouts barely helps, because I know women are total bullsh!tters and most will likely flake/ghost spontaneously anyways.

For example, tonight I was supposed to have a chick over (second hookup), but she hasn't responded to a text I sent her this morning. Also texted another girl, who I was talking to last weekend and had a date setup with for Saturday, and she hasn't responded either. Same thing for like 3 others who I've just been BSing with (no dates setup). Thing is, my thought process is "if these girls respond/follow through/meet up I'm happy, and if they don't I'm unhappy."

I also have a ridiculous f*cking sex drive that sometimes makes me think I might be a sex addict. Although I'm pretty damn picky so I don't just bang any odd woman just because she has a vagina.

Feels like I'm having some kind of midlife crisis at 29.

Truely you're fvkc ed man.. Its over..

 

[Ricky]

I was in this mode at your age too. I rationalized that i would sow as many oats as possible before settling down and getting married.

Of course when you get married its hard to turn ofd that validation from woman switch. I made the mistake of still chattint/flirting with women by habit until my wife caught me with an open browser and we had a long talk that even involved a trip to a psychologist.

I am not sure if you can clinically be addicted to sex unless there are withdrawal symptoms. However i had issues then and still have milder issues now.
I think one key for me is i threw myself into my career. It paid off well until i transferred positions and now i am in a more minor role than before but the caveat is its less stress and i have more time to be with my family.

One thing is to find enjoyment in other activities as well. That way you dont constantly need validation from women. I wont lie and say you completely get over it ever

 

[malz1]

Truely you're fvkc ed man.. Its over..

View attachment 3069

He's not an incel though...

 

[Focal core]

He's not an incel though...

Does it has to be?

 

[malz1]

Does it has to be?

For your point to make any sense, yes.