Here we go again... girl with commitment issues...

[synecdoche]

Good evening SoSuave,

I need some different opinions on a my situations with this girl I've been dating for about 3-4 months.

(I'm sorry this is on of this threads, however I already know I should spin some other plates, however I want some opinions about the next meet up, see below)

I'll try to make it short, and just give the important details, except for the last week.

Month 1:
Met up each week, kissed on first date, had sex on 4th (had period 3rd).

Second date she was already talking about dating exclusive, she didn't ask me to be, however she said she didn't like dating multiple people at once didn't really respond to that.

Nothing special, she was chasing me mostly, didn't text a lot.

Month 2:
After about a month and a half we were a bit drunk one night and she brought up the "us" conversation, kind of let her speak however she just went quiet and was expecting me to speak. We had a bit of an argument then because I thought it was too early. Next morning we talked about it, and I just made some jokes about it and told her we're official now and that we should change our profile pics and change our FB status so everyone knows.

One other night she admitted out of nowhere that she already had some feelings. However I knew that she is person who quickly develops feelings for someone, and have them dissapear even quicker. After her LTR she dated with a couple of guys, but after 2 months she wasn't really feeling it anymore and dumped them.

At week 3 she started messaging me a lot, calling me nicknames, saying how she misses me etc... Long text messages. She had some family trouble during that weekend and went kind of cold. Told me it was because of that and the pressure she had at work. When we met later she told me she suddenly has doubts, couldn't explain herself to me but somehow we just continued. I told her I didn't really liked to label us and just liked the progression we were having.

(At this point I lost the frame IMO)

I was now doing most of the work, reaching out to her. Because I initially (month 1) didn't text a lot she once told me she gave up on texting me because I always answered with short messages and wasn't sweet enough in her opinion.

Month 3:
Still casual however, trying to see each other 2 times a week now.

One night she took me to her father's place, I met him and her sister and we took their dog for a walk.

Week 2, she organised a brunch and asked me to meet her mother and stephfather, I did, everything was OK.

Vibe in my opinion wasn't always right, I sometimes had boring dates/evenings with her and she just sometimes didn't show a lot of affection.

Last week: we had an awesome date after not being able to do stuff together for a while (she returned from vacation), vibe was good.

Next day there was a sort of festival at night but she had no friends to go and wanted to go with me and my friends. I told her I would message her once we got there. She at first didn't respond, then after a while she texted me that last minute she found a friend to go with and that she would meet me after a bit. We texted during the night but she was acting very weird and was drunk, just texting me how she was having a good time. We planned on sleeping at my place but it didn't happen cause we never met. I lost my cool at the end of the night and texted her I was going home, after an hour she responded that she was sorry for not meeting me. We had an argument over it (over text, big mistake, I was drunk as well). Next day we kind of made up, she apoligised, I also said I shouldn't have said some things in the argument but something wasn't right from that moment.

I pinged her with a simple text on monday, she usually responds pretty fast however yesterday she still hadn't responded so I asked her again by text if I could give her call. On that moment I already had evaluated the last couple of days and the whole relationship/dating and wanted to end it or at least get some clarification

She didn't pick up and started messaging me, said she was sorry for the last couple of days that she is confused about the whole thing. She wanted to meet in person to talk about it sometime, however I said I don't really feel like it and just wanted to call. She asked why, I said I don't really see the point in it because we both know where this is heading. She said that she never said that she won't give this another chance and she won't just give up on me. I also admitted I was having doubts as well about the whole thing, and even had some in the past.

I asked her if she still wants to go for it, she answered that she needed time, she has some issues with relationships and committing to one and she wants to explain it to me. I agreed to meet up next week in person to talk about it. She asked me if I would still go for it and I told her I would give it another chance but not how like it is going these past couple of days. Then she told me that she knew she would regret it if she wouldn't pursue me. And half an hour after our conversation ended she suddenly texted me that she misses me.

My opinion about this:
She has no idea what she wants, is maybe playing games, craving attention, ... Yet I find it strange that she wanted me to meet half her family when she was having "doubts". Things moved too fast as well imo, she talked about exclusivity after 2 dates, wanted to talk about "us" after only one month...

I have no idea wheter or not I want to continue with this girl, I will however meet up with her once to talk about it.

If I she starts contradicting herself again, or I feel like she is bull****ting I'm out. However I'm curious to find out what she has to say about these doubts and being afraid to commit.

During the talk; should I talk about how I feel about the situation as well? (Having doubts, maybe explaining why) or should I let her talk and give away nothing myself? Should I try to understand her?

I think if I feel like I wont get my frame back after the talk I will bail because it's a lost cause. Maybe any ideas to try to flip the script a bit?

Other points to note:
Both 28 years old
I talked to her sister one night, and apparently last LTR she had (3 years) she also had issues in the beginning, she doubted a half year as well
Mostly I would organise something for us to do, never her
During month 2 we could only meet at evenings after work and having to work the next day, so time was limited

 

[AttackFormation]

I didn't read your post, don't need to because I long ago learned the length of these posts speaks for itself. I can simply guess that @LARaiders85 is right, she is toying with you. And she is succeeding very well as evidenced by how much mental time and energy you spend obsessing over what she says and does, and what to do. She has you right where she enjoys it.

 

[Epic Days]

Not much one can say on this.

 

[lamath]

I didn't read your post, don't need to because I long ago learned the length of these posts speaks for itself. I can simply guess that @LARaiders85 is right, she is toying with you. And she is succeeding very well as evidenced by how much mental time and energy you spend obsessing over what she says and does, and what to do. She has you right where she enjoys it.

+1
TL;DR
Her attraction level is low ,its not commitment issue.

 

[Mazer]

Three months in and you are already dealing with this shyt. Three months in and you have met her family, including the family dog?! Keep her around but I would start dating other girls who are less messed up in the head. Good luck.

 

[RickTheToad]

Good evening SoSuave,

I need some different opinions on a my situations with this girl I've been dating for about 3-4 months.

(I'm sorry this is on of this threads, however I already know I should spin some other plates, however I want some opinions about the next meet up, see below)

I'll try to make it short, and just give the important details, except for the last week.

Month 1:
Met up each week, kissed on first date, had sex on 4th (had period 3rd).

Second date she was already talking about dating exclusive, she didn't ask me to be, however she said she didn't like dating multiple people at once didn't really respond to that.

Nothing special, she was chasing me mostly, didn't text a lot.

Month 2:
After about a month and a half we were a bit drunk one night and she brought up the "us" conversation, kind of let her speak however she just went quiet and was expecting me to speak. We had a bit of an argument then because I thought it was too early. Next morning we talked about it, and I just made some jokes about it and told her we're official now and that we should change our profile pics and change our FB status so everyone knows.

One other night she admitted out of nowhere that she already had some feelings. However I knew that she is person who quickly develops feelings for someone, and have them dissapear even quicker. After her LTR she dated with a couple of guys, but after 2 months she wasn't really feeling it anymore and dumped them.

At week 3 she started messaging me a lot, calling me nicknames, saying how she misses me etc... Long text messages. She had some family trouble during that weekend and went kind of cold. Told me it was because of that and the pressure she had at work. When we met later she told me she suddenly has doubts, couldn't explain herself to me but somehow we just continued. I told her I didn't really liked to label us and just liked the progression we were having.

(At this point I lost the frame IMO)

I was now doing most of the work, reaching out to her. Because I initially (month 1) didn't text a lot she once told me she gave up on texting me because I always answered with short messages and wasn't sweet enough in her opinion.

Month 3:
Still casual however, trying to see each other 2 times a week now.

One night she took me to her father's place, I met him and her sister and we took their dog for a walk.

Week 2, she organised a brunch and asked me to meet her mother and stephfather, I did, everything was OK.

Vibe in my opinion wasn't always right, I sometimes had boring dates/evenings with her and she just sometimes didn't show a lot of affection.

Last week: we had an awesome date after not being able to do stuff together for a while (she returned from vacation), vibe was good.

Next day there was a sort of festival at night but she had no friends to go and wanted to go with me and my friends. I told her I would message her once we got there. She at first didn't respond, then after a while she texted me that last minute she found a friend to go with and that she would meet me after a bit. We texted during the night but she was acting very weird and was drunk, just texting me how she was having a good time. We planned on sleeping at my place but it didn't happen cause we never met. I lost my cool at the end of the night and texted her I was going home, after an hour she responded that she was sorry for not meeting me. We had an argument over it (over text, big mistake, I was drunk as well). Next day we kind of made up, she apoligised, I also said I shouldn't have said some things in the argument but something wasn't right from that moment.

I pinged her with a simple text on monday, she usually responds pretty fast however yesterday she still hadn't responded so I asked her again by text if I could give her call. On that moment I already had evaluated the last couple of days and the whole relationship/dating and wanted to end it or at least get some clarification

She didn't pick up and started messaging me, said she was sorry for the last couple of days that she is confused about the whole thing. She wanted to meet in person to talk about it sometime, however I said I don't really feel like it and just wanted to call. She asked why, I said I don't really see the point in it because we both know where this is heading. She said that she never said that she won't give this another chance and she won't just give up on me. I also admitted I was having doubts as well about the whole thing, and even had some in the past.

I asked her if she still wants to go for it, she answered that she needed time, she has some issues with relationships and committing to one and she wants to explain it to me. I agreed to meet up next week in person to talk about it. She asked me if I would still go for it and I told her I would give it another chance but not how like it is going these past couple of days. Then she told me that she knew she would regret it if she wouldn't pursue me. And half an hour after our conversation ended she suddenly texted me that she misses me.

My opinion about this:
She has no idea what she wants, is maybe playing games, craving attention, ... Yet I find it strange that she wanted me to meet half her family when she was having "doubts". Things moved too fast as well imo, she talked about exclusivity after 2 dates, wanted to talk about "us" after only one month...

I have no idea wheter or not I want to continue with this girl, I will however meet up with her once to talk about it.

If I she starts contradicting herself again, or I feel like she is bull****ting I'm out. However I'm curious to find out what she has to say about these doubts and being afraid to commit.

During the talk; should I talk about how I feel about the situation as well? (Having doubts, maybe explaining why) or should I let her talk and give away nothing myself? Should I try to understand her?

I think if I feel like I wont get my frame back after the talk I will bail because it's a lost cause. Maybe any ideas to try to flip the script a bit?

Other points to note:
Both 28 years old
I talked to her sister one night, and apparently last LTR she had (3 years) she also had issues in the beginning, she doubted a half year as well
Mostly I would organise something for us to do, never her
During month 2 we could only meet at evenings after work and having to work the next day, so time was limited

Attention *****. Back da fvck up and stop chasing. You're way to thirsty dude. Never chase.

 

[Tilex]

There's no sexual chemistry between you two.
She's got you somewhere in between friend zone and orbiter.
That's a bad sign.
She's stringing you along for the ride.

 

[Black Widow Void]

OP, my guess is that you didn't come here to read some recycled off the internet "how to win girls" clich'e. No worries, I want say "spin plates" "princess in another castle" etc... You came here to understand what has happen, right? Don't let anyone here fool you. If they've had any experience with girls and are over 17, they've been in your shoes (some of us, more than once).

I'm guessing that at the beginning, you wren't faking less interest. It was there. She knew it and she had to work (which is the same as earn) your attention.

Either you started developing a deeper interest or you started missing the attention once you thought it was leaving. Either way, she detected this. Suddenly, (probably on a subconscious level) she didn't feel the need to strongly bid for your attention. And. when this occurs, we start to either doubt ourselves or try to "fix" it back to normal. But we usually try to pin it all on the fickleness of a girl (which isn't always inaccurate) . The thing we are capable of fixing is our attitude and mindset. Chances are, one or both changed and this changed her behavior as a result.

Look back on your above posting. Think of your behavior and mindset when things were at their best. Then, think back on your mindset and behavior when things began on the decline. She 'rewarded' one with positives and 'punished' one with negatives.

Is this salvageable? Possibly. But after the conquest, you'll have to keep up the same image and remain calculative. You'll probably find the effort not worth it.

 

[synecdoche]

Thanks for the quick replies.

The only thing I don't agree with is the friend zone/orbiter thing, Everytime we met the sex was great, so there is no problem there.

I agree with the interest level got low and the post above me explaining the situation. I figured this one out as well, me chasing her suddenly instead of the other way around. Lost my frame pretty fast. I won't say she is intentionally toying with me for the sake of toying with me, I suspect she has some issues tbh.

Do any of you have any tips on the convo next week? Or wouldn't you guys do it at all?

Small edit: she never flaked on me (except festival), last 1.5 months we usually agreed during when we met on the next date because we usually had to puzzle due to being both busy. So it's not like I had to initiate to set up a date.

 

[Rodrigo]

Drop her before you really start falling for her deeper. You've allowed her to crack your frame and take over the dynamics of the relationship. Additionally, is she from some kind of a dysfunctional family. You mentioned stepdad. I'm smelling a damaged goods case here and these girls are not the ideal LTR material. Recently learned that myself the hard way. If you can keep her as a FWB, fine, otherwise move on before you get hurt.

 

[Desdinova]

When we met later she told me she suddenly has doubts

This was the point where you should have dropped her like a dead dog. Instead, the dead dog has been tied to the back of the car, and you're just dragging it behind you hoping that it will magically come back to life and start running again.

In other words, your relationship with this chick is dead. You're keeping it going hoping things will get better. They won't. You're just delaying the inevitable breakup by continuing to see her. Cut her loose, and you'll end all the confusion and frustration you're getting out of this relationship.

 

[17 shots]

After about a month and a half we were a bit drunk one night and she brought up the "us" conversation, kind of let her speak however she just went quiet and was expecting me to speak. We had a bit of an argument then because I thought it was too early. Next morning we talked about it, and I just made some jokes about it and told her we're official now and that we should change our profile pics and change our FB status so everyone knows.

One other night she admitted out of nowhere that she already had some feelings

At week 3 she started messaging me a lot, calling me nicknames, saying how she misses me etc... Long text messages. She had some family trouble during that weekend and went kind of cold. Told me it was because of that and the pressure she had at work. When we met later she told me she suddenly has doubts, couldn't explain herself to me but somehow we just continued. I told her I didn't really liked to label us and just liked the progression we were having.

Read between the lines. She put herself out there, and made it be known she had feelings and wanted something serious. You didn't respond the way she wanted you to, and It caused an argument. She then goes cold, and when she returns, she says shes having doubts...It was at this point, that she started talking to another guy

Next day there was a sort of festival at night but she had no friends to go and wanted to go with me and my friends. I told her I would message her once we got there. She at first didn't respond, then after a while she texted me that last minute she found a friend to go with and that she would meet me after a bit. We texted during the night but she was acting very weird and was drunk, just texting me how she was having a good time. We planned on sleeping at my place but it didn't happen cause we never met. I lost my cool at the end of the night and texted her I was going home, after an hour she responded that she was sorry for not meeting me. We had an argument over it (over text, big mistake, I was drunk as well). Next day we kind of made up, she apoligised, I also said I shouldn't have said some things in the argument but something wasn't right from that moment.

Read between the lines. At first she had nobody to go with, and wanted to hang with you, then all of a sudden, she found someone to go with, and acts weird with you the whole night, and doesn't meet up with you at all... she was with that other guy

She has another option, and you don't. That's why you care way more then her right now, and that's why she's acting funny

 

[synecdoche]

Read between the lines. She put herself out there, and made it be known she had feelings and wanted something serious. You didn't respond the way she wanted you to, and It caused an argument. She then goes cold, and when she returns, she says shes having doubts...It was at this point, that she started talking to another guy




Read between the lines. At first she had nobody to go with, and wanted to hang with you, then all of a sudden, she found someone to go with, and acts weird with you the whole night, and doesn't meet up with you at all... she was with that other guy

She has another option, and you don't. That's why you care way more then her right now, and that's why she's acting funny

Thanks for your insight 17 shots, however I'm certain this wasn't the case. It might be now since last weekend.

When she started the whole us talk we were only seeing eachother for 1 month. Way too early imo to start talking about this, wanted to take it a bit slower.

After her expressing her doubts I'm certain she didn't see someone else. Why even invite me to her paret s etc when she was already seeing someone elsr and let it drag for another month. She was very available that month as well. So I have to disagree with you on this input, appreciate the feedback however.

I do however agree she probably has other options waiting around.

Any input on how to handle the next time we meet? I'm thinking of just letting her dl the talking and dependant on what she is go from there. Not expressing anything myself first, lets see what issues she has and decide if its bull**** or not.

 

[Medina]

I have no idea wheter or not I want to continue with this girl, I will however meet up with her once to talk about it.

If I she starts contradicting herself again, or I feel like she is bull****ting I'm out.

Noooooope

Do not have any kind of "talks" with her

This is the woman's department

Love is playful and fun. Your behaviour is closing the vagina

Needy, jealous, labels, talking to her sister to get information etc

This is what women do. You have entered the feminine position

You flip the script by acting MASCULINE

Strong, relaxed, self amusing, indifferent, feelings unclear, busy etc

 

[synecdoche]

Noooooope

Do not have any kind of "talks" with her

This is the woman's department

Love is playful and fun. Your behaviour is closing the vagina

Needy, jealous, labels, talking to her sister to get information etc

This is what women do. You have entered the feminine position

You flip the script by acting MASCULINE

Strong, relaxed, self amusing, indifferent, feelings unclear, busy etc

I agree with you.

However whe should have a talk first before we can close this or move forward. I cant act like nothing has happened and ask her on an action date now.

Ps: the sister started talking about this herself, she said she is always behaving like this with guys. (Having doubts about a relationship)

 

[dude99]

Good evening SoSuave,

I need some different opinions on a my situations with this girl I've been dating for about 3-4 months.

(I'm sorry this is on of this threads, however I already know I should spin some other plates, however I want some opinions about the next meet up, see below)

I'll try to make it short, and just give the important details, except for the last week.

Month 1:
Met up each week, kissed on first date, had sex on 4th (had period 3rd).

Second date she was already talking about dating exclusive, she didn't ask me to be, however she said she didn't like dating multiple people at once didn't really respond to that.

Nothing special, she was chasing me mostly, didn't text a lot.

Month 2:
After about a month and a half we were a bit drunk one night and she brought up the "us" conversation, kind of let her speak however she just went quiet and was expecting me to speak. We had a bit of an argument then because I thought it was too early. Next morning we talked about it, and I just made some jokes about it and told her we're official now and that we should change our profile pics and change our FB status so everyone knows.

One other night she admitted out of nowhere that she already had some feelings. However I knew that she is person who quickly develops feelings for someone, and have them dissapear even quicker. After her LTR she dated with a couple of guys, but after 2 months she wasn't really feeling it anymore and dumped them.

At week 3 she started messaging me a lot, calling me nicknames, saying how she misses me etc... Long text messages. She had some family trouble during that weekend and went kind of cold. Told me it was because of that and the pressure she had at work. When we met later she told me she suddenly has doubts, couldn't explain herself to me but somehow we just continued. I told her I didn't really liked to label us and just liked the progression we were having.

(At this point I lost the frame IMO)

I was now doing most of the work, reaching out to her. Because I initially (month 1) didn't text a lot she once told me she gave up on texting me because I always answered with short messages and wasn't sweet enough in her opinion.

Month 3:
Still casual however, trying to see each other 2 times a week now.

One night she took me to her father's place, I met him and her sister and we took their dog for a walk.

Week 2, she organised a brunch and asked me to meet her mother and stephfather, I did, everything was OK.

Vibe in my opinion wasn't always right, I sometimes had boring dates/evenings with her and she just sometimes didn't show a lot of affection.

Last week: we had an awesome date after not being able to do stuff together for a while (she returned from vacation), vibe was good.

Next day there was a sort of festival at night but she had no friends to go and wanted to go with me and my friends. I told her I would message her once we got there. She at first didn't respond, then after a while she texted me that last minute she found a friend to go with and that she would meet me after a bit. We texted during the night but she was acting very weird and was drunk, just texting me how she was having a good time. We planned on sleeping at my place but it didn't happen cause we never met. I lost my cool at the end of the night and texted her I was going home, after an hour she responded that she was sorry for not meeting me. We had an argument over it (over text, big mistake, I was drunk as well). Next day we kind of made up, she apoligised, I also said I shouldn't have said some things in the argument but something wasn't right from that moment.

I pinged her with a simple text on monday, she usually responds pretty fast however yesterday she still hadn't responded so I asked her again by text if I could give her call. On that moment I already had evaluated the last couple of days and the whole relationship/dating and wanted to end it or at least get some clarification

She didn't pick up and started messaging me, said she was sorry for the last couple of days that she is confused about the whole thing. She wanted to meet in person to talk about it sometime, however I said I don't really feel like it and just wanted to call. She asked why, I said I don't really see the point in it because we both know where this is heading. She said that she never said that she won't give this another chance and she won't just give up on me. I also admitted I was having doubts as well about the whole thing, and even had some in the past.

I asked her if she still wants to go for it, she answered that she needed time, she has some issues with relationships and committing to one and she wants to explain it to me. I agreed to meet up next week in person to talk about it. She asked me if I would still go for it and I told her I would give it another chance but not how like it is going these past couple of days. Then she told me that she knew she would regret it if she wouldn't pursue me. And half an hour after our conversation ended she suddenly texted me that she misses me.

My opinion about this:
She has no idea what she wants, is maybe playing games, craving attention, ... Yet I find it strange that she wanted me to meet half her family when she was having "doubts". Things moved too fast as well imo, she talked about exclusivity after 2 dates, wanted to talk about "us" after only one month...

I have no idea wheter or not I want to continue with this girl, I will however meet up with her once to talk about it.

If I she starts contradicting herself again, or I feel like she is bull****ting I'm out. However I'm curious to find out what she has to say about these doubts and being afraid to commit.

During the talk; should I talk about how I feel about the situation as well? (Having doubts, maybe explaining why) or should I let her talk and give away nothing myself? Should I try to understand her?

I think if I feel like I wont get my frame back after the talk I will bail because it's a lost cause. Maybe any ideas to try to flip the script a bit?

Other points to note:
Both 28 years old
I talked to her sister one night, and apparently last LTR she had (3 years) she also had issues in the beginning, she doubted a half year as well
Mostly I would organise something for us to do, never her
During month 2 we could only meet at evenings after work and having to work the next day, so time was limited

She is 28 and acting like an insecure immature 18 year old. You lost frame by trying to figure things out and all it did was cause more grief. When she found a friend to go to the festive it was another dude that sparked her interest. Then she was suddenly "confused." Get your frame back. Here is how.

This should be your talk :

You " well to be perfectly honest, you're not girlfriend material. Maybe a FWB. If you want to hook up every now and then with no strings attached no feelings nothing but sex' give me a shout. Other than that. Tschűss."

Her " but i ........"

You (getting up and leaving,) sorry hun. I gotta run. I've got a date to get ready for.

Then you leave.

 

[synecdoche]

Thanks for all the replies and being patient. She is probably a big mess and no LTR material at all. I already knew this was over just wanted some extra perspective. (However I probably am/was hoping for a good outcome if I'm completely honest, yet if a friend told me this story I would give the same advice/ insight.)

I'll give an update on how the conversation went, if we even meet. I'm not planning on initiating contact first.

 

[Alvafe]

Thanks for all the replies and being patient. She is probably a big mess and no LTR material at all. I already knew this was over just wanted some extra perspective. (However I probably am/was hoping for a good outcome if I'm completely honest, yet if a friend told me this story I would give the same advice/ insight.)

I'll give an update on how the conversation went, if we even meet. I'm not planning on initiating contact first.

you know the problem here is you not her right?

you look for a ltr and she want to just have fun, it should be the other way around

 

[synecdoche]

you know the problem here is you not her right?

you look for a ltr and she want to just have fun, it should be the other way around

Could very well be. I just can't wrap my head around the fact she still wanted me to meet her family and being open about me to them. I dind't intoduce her to my family at all, I would never do that unless I'm sure about the relation and am thinking about it LTR.

I even saw them again last week, had a great time with them. She didn't explicit asked me to, but we were at the same place so we agreed I would come say hi quickly.

The ****?

 

[SoSuave666]

Check out the thread titled “WTF” if you still don’t believe/understand