Wife doing 180 to save marriage

[lamath]

So thanks to everyone for their opinions here. I think to summarize....
1) My wife clearly broke her wedding vows by withholding sex for 6 months. Whether she is banging Chad Thundercock or not is debatable.
2) I'm a beta loser for letting it happen but everyone is generally happy I finally sacked up (I do appreciate that).
3) There is some disagreement as to whether I should take on a mistress although everyone agrees I would be justified in doing so. Just that it might not be the best course of action.
4) A small contingent think I should try to salvage things because its cheaper to keep her, I'll get to see my daughter, and can avoid divorce rape.
So overall, I just want to say this community is awesome! Thank you guys. I really appreciate the help.

Salvage if you think it is possible, look at it from an objective way.

If other part of relationship is good and she is still overall respectfull i would try to salvage it.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Salvage if you think it is possible, look at it from an objective way.

If other part of relationship is good and she is still overall respectfull i would try to salvage it.

Should he allow her to cookie cutter the sex and intimacy out of their relationship?

 

[highSpeed]

Should he allow her to cookie cutter the sex and intimacy out of their relationship?

Look, she has some real explaining to do, end of story. and she has a lot to make up for.

 

[lamath]

Should he allow her to cookie cutter the sex and intimacy out of their relationship?

Ofc not, he should have dealt with issue asap, but if lots of other issue its probably not salvagable imo.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Look, she has some real explaining to do, end of story. and she has a lot to make up for.

My marriage/relationship counselor was so cool she suggested a 30 days sex challenge in this scenario. Penetrative sex and some counseling. Oxytocin causes bonding.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Ofc not, he should have dealt with issue asap, but if lots of other issue its probably not salvagable imo.

We know this from experience.

 

[lamath]

My marriage/relationship counselor was so cool she suggested a 30 days sex challenge in this scenario. Penetrative sex and some counseling. Oxytocin causes bonding.

Yes and not duty sex, so desire need to be there.
this is the challenging part.

Fapping>duty sex

 

[Epic Days]

I agree there is a limit to the sex thing. Completely selfish to do this in the context of monogamy.

There is an elephant in the room that isn’t being talked about.

After a period of time her desire dwindles. There’s a lot of things being thrown around about why this is but it’s not part of my point.

I think of it like this, if she goes too long not feeling strong desire the cvck carousel days come back.
For a man to grasp this all he has to do is think of having sex with a fat girl. No desire.
Well for the woman it’s the same thing of sorts. She looks at her cuckasaurous and it’s emotionally like looking at a greasy fat guy. She will give him enough sex to hold him in place, but that’s it. Even if he’s a handsome devil. She doesn’t have enough testosterone and a socially trained, feminine man is the greasy fat guy.

If her cuckasarous is a valuable man, there is still the element of the time stamp on her desire. This seems complex but it’s not. The reduction of that man is another thread.

 

[Glassguy]

Since I awoke and believe AWALT I obviously have to agree that she'd **** Chad Thundercock and leave me if the opportunity was right. But I am also pretty confident that she doesn't have the opportunity to do so. Regardless, does the fact that she would do it automatically mean I should? I realize in my case there are obvious justifications for leaving, sexless, affectionless, etc... But it sounds like you're advocating a general rule that men should be hypergamous like women.

If during boarding at the airport they told you the plane was 100% going to catch fire mid flight and explode.....would you turned around and leave the airport or proceed with the flight awaiting the inevitable fiery crash?

 

[Glassguy]

If she feels violated by him or disgusted at his presense, why is she with him.

Because who knows what her motives are and what she does when he isnt there. She might be sleeping with 2 dudes and facetime sex sessions for all we know.

All we have to know are 3 things and NOTHING more:

1.) This marriage serves her purpose (financially, socially, etc) and it does NOTHING positive for him

2.) His needs arent being met as a man and as a husband.

3.) There had been an obvious lacking of her respecting him from some time. First a woman loses attraction. Then she loses interest, the respect.

The opposite of respect is disrespectful. Her behavior has not been one so its been the other.

Once respect is gone boys there is no getting it back. I truly believe that attraction and interest can be restored. Not respect. It's gone with that woman forever.

The conversation we should be having is this:

Does he be a man and leave and pursue a happier life? Does he have a come to Jesus talk with her and let her know that unless she starts acting as a wife, he is going to stop being a husband. As in let's get divorced if this thing is too far gone (and it is at this point).

I'm with the opinion of "hey I'm not happy and havent been for a long time. This is my only shot at life and I'm going to make sure the remainder of it is a happy one. I want a divorce". Period. End of story.

And fvck her feelings bc she stopped caring about your feelings years ago.

 

[highSpeed]

I go back to my position - Lay your needs and things you are unhappy with on paper

Tell her you want to talk for an hour, and when is a good time?

Have the discussion, and ask her if she is able to meet those needs.

You don't have to say anything about what you will or won't do if she doesn't meet them.

Put the paper in your pocket for review a month from now.

She will get the message of what your intentions are . If she doesn't get it, then she simply doesn't care and you have your answer.

But all of this stuff, last couple of posts included, doesn't speak to the legal aspect of this. For some reason, don't understand why, you're all acting like the legal aspect doesn't matter. So in your scenario, he tips his hand, lets her know he's just about to end it if she doesn't do what she's supposed to do, you know that's absolutely laughable right?

I'm not trying to be mean here but dam, she already knows what she's doing. She didn't forget to have sex with her husband, she didn't forget that he needs and wants sex, she just doesn't give a sh*t, literally. All of the excuses women give, I'm touched out, I'm tired, I'm not happy with my body image, I don't like your behavior towards me, blah, blah, blah, they're all excuses and she knows it. 6 months is absolute horsesh*t, no room to debate. I mean, unless she's dead, there's no excuse for that type of horsesh*t behavior.

So you think that while she knows what she's doing and simply doesn't care, that writing her a f*cking note and demanding certain behaviors is going to change her mind? How!!?? She is incentivized to behave badly, period. She's not going to lose the kids for being a frozen a$$hole. She's not going to miss out on alimony and child support because she failed to live up to her duties as a wife. As a matter of fact, she can take half or more and leave with the kids any dam time she feels like it. Please, I want to understand, please explain why you think taking a note to her is going to do anything but tip her off and blow things up.

Why not just take the mistress, see how long you can drag it out and when you get busted, then you can move on to court. So what, the judge may ding you with one less day a month or 5% more of the total money they would normally have allocated. Is that one less day or that extra 5% really going to sting that much more? I sincerely doubt it.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Your situation has some details worth paying specific attention to.

1. You are ex pats. If you divorce your fatherhood role will be stripped from you in all likelihood as you note. Not good. You have a daughter. Raising her properly is of utmost importance. And it is important she see you and knows you as a man.

2. Your wife sleeps with your daughter.

FULL STOP.

What????????????

YOU have allowed this. Stop allowing it. Period. Your wife must sleep in the marital bed. The sleeping arrangements are screwing up your daughter...never mind your marriage.

I agree with @Mauser96 about making a list.

You must have a forthright conversation. I mean blunt. Does she hate sex? Does she hate it with you? Why? You need to know. Ask her what she would think about you having a mistress. Ask. You are a man and you desire sexual Union. Ok. Put on the table that option openly. What have you got to lose? There are women who will consent to that. It may not be everybody’s value system but it’s worth a conversation.

Insist that she sleep in bed with you. If you snore, lose more weight, or get a wedge or bed that raises up on the headboard side. This idea that she beds with your daughter is bad on many fronts.

If her hair is short ask her to grow it out. If she looks frumpy ask her to change into something more flattering. My guy insists that my hair be very long (nearly to my waist) and expects me in heels and a very tight dress (classy but very tight) when we go out. If he thinks my skirt is too short, he asks me to change. If he thinks the dress is too daytime or business? He asks me to change. And I do. If he wants a different color? I’ll change. I look great in my entire wardrobe so I’m happy to wear what pleases HIM. He likes my nails done and perfume on. He prefers I wear sexy makeup. I do these things to be sexy for HIM. I like to be sexy for me too, but I want to meet his preferences.

My grandmother was very wise. She said always that: A great wife is a lover first, a partner/companion second, and a mother 3rd. Think about that. She was married over 30 years twice & was widowed both times. Her husbands adored her and she loved each and doted on each.

You need to set your expectations and have an in-depth conversation and go from there. Nothing is sacred. Get it all out there.

Only then can you start to sort out the next strategy moving forward. Big ships take time to turn. Take the time & see if you guys can turn the ship.

Be honest and do not hold back.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

How does free masonry view this situation? Is a wife cvcking her man okay?

 

[Epic Days]

But all of this stuff, last couple of posts included, doesn't speak to the legal aspect of this. For some reason, don't understand why, you're all acting like the legal aspect doesn't matter. So in your scenario, he tips his hand, lets her know he's just about to end it if she doesn't do what she's supposed to do, you know that's absolutely laughable right?

I'm not trying to be mean here but dam, she already knows what she's doing. She didn't forget to have sex with her husband, she didn't forget that he needs and wants sex, she just doesn't give a sh*t, literally. All of the excuses women give, I'm touched out, I'm tired, I'm not happy with my body image, I don't like your behavior towards me, blah, blah, blah, they're all excuses and she knows it. 6 months is absolute horsesh*t, no room to debate. I mean, unless she's dead, there's no excuse for that type of horsesh*t behavior.

So you think that while she knows what she's doing and simply doesn't care, that writing her a f*cking note and demanding certain behaviors is going to change her mind? How!!?? She is incentivized to behave badly, period. She's not going to lose the kids for being a frozen a$$hole. She's not going to miss out on alimony and child support because she failed to live up to her duties as a wife. As a matter of fact, she can take half or more and leave with the kids any dam time she feels like it. Please, I want to understand, please explain why you think taking a note to her is going to do anything but tip her off and blow things up.

Why not just take the mistress, see how long you can drag it out and when you get busted, then you can move on to court. So what, the judge may ding you with one less day a month or 5% more of the total money they would normally have allocated. Is that one less day or that extra 5% really going to sting that much more? I sincerely doubt it.

You have a voice of experience. You are a giant held down with tissue paper my friend. You don’t even know it yet.

Don’t mess around with some of these cuckables. Whatever you say will fall on deaf ears. There’s no way for them to grasp that frustration especially knowing you did it to yourself and know it. That’s a road out.
“If it happens to you... no matter what it is...you are responsible.”

 

[highSpeed]

You have a voice of experience. You are a giant held down with tissue paper my friend. You don’t even know it yet.

Don’t mess around with some of these cuckables. Whatever you say will fall on deaf ears. There’s no way for them to grasp that frustration especially knowing you did it to yourself and know it. That’s a road out.
“If it happens to you... no matter what it is...you are responsible.”

I'm telling you man, I'm going to make things much better for myself and soon. She can either come along or she can be left behind but either way, I'm going to live it up. We're at the end of this society, this iteration of it anyway. There is a new order coming in, the old order is going to regret it but either way, you might as well live it up while you still have time.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Say if your wife said she wished you hugged her at least once a day and cuddle her for 5 minutes at night. Then thought of it pains you. So 3 months go by, 6, 12. Shes starving for human touch and it hurts badly like being stung by jelly fish.

When she brings the convo up you divert her attention. You refuse off the standard that its not your thing and you wont be bullied into doing it.

 

[Epic Days]

I'm telling you man, I'm going to make things much better for myself and soon. She can either come along or she can be left behind but either way, I'm going to live it up.

The correct frame. Either way is good. Comes or stays. You salvage yourself first. She would let you die inside and never lift a finger and you know it. The whole thing is on your shoulders. Master of the universe. (I don't watch those movies, but it must be your frame)

 

[highSpeed]

Say if your wife said she wished you hugged her at least once a day and cuddle her for 5 minutes at night. Then thought of it pains you. So 3 months go by, 6, 12. Shes starving for human touch and it hurts badly like being stung by jelly fish.

When she brings the convo up you divert her attention. You refuse off the standard that its not your thing and you wont be bullied into doing it.

But that's what it's like to be a husband who goes 6 months without sex from his wife. The thought of it pains you, p*sses you off and the rage starts to build.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

But that's what it's like to be a husband who goes 6 months without sex from his wife. The thought of it pains you, p*sses you off and the rage starts to build.

The jelly fish sting in the chest. Raising your stress and anxiety. The degradation of confidence and masculinity. She wont even "give" for 60 seconds. She said her field slave has no rights. Hes not even human.

 

[Epic Days]

The jelly fish sting in the chest. Raising your stress and anxiety. The degradation of confidence and masculinity. She wont even "give" for 60 seconds. She said her field slave has no rights. Hes not even human.

There is an opportunity to become a better man with this more true than not statement.

An opportunity to nullify her purposely induced manipulation of dismissal and invalidation of him as a man. He must learn that it is a woman's acquired skill and manipulation to get what she wants. Dominance in the relationship.

Here is the point of a lot of this thread. It really isn't about the right or wrong of cheating for him. When men are hit with this...what is their first instinct? He automatically defaults to his social programming and conditioning...

Save the situation and/or condition. Try even harder to earn her intimacy. Become a better cuckable in the eyes of the social mainstream. try even harder, no matter what it is. Theres guys right in this thread right now trying to save the day with their dubious momma's programming.

So a man makes a decision to go against this universe and all that it stands for. This is the crucible. What is a man willing to give up? That woman knows that in this situation, it is almost guaranteed that the man will not cheat. She knows this. She knew it from the start. True, she doesn't feel anything for him. But shes far from stupid. As a man he set this up wearing the "I'm going to be a great husband and dad.", frame at the start.

So in this situation...having a mistress is going against the physical universe AND his programming. Look how many men here completely disregarded it as a viable route for a man to free himself from his programming. Men who cant see past their pre-conditioned beliefs. The women who posted know damn well what a woman would do if the roles were reversed. It's new diks for Betty, time. They enforce and make up rules for regular men but break all those rules to sleep with other men.

No matter if we agree or disagree with him getting a mistress. The point is it's a viable method of breaking out of his conditioning.