not sure what to do.. need advice

[Lyons]

Hello.

I've recently started dating my best friend of quite some years, she and I always had something different going on but a few months ago the planets aligned and we became an item.

It wasn't planned, but talking about it was always in the back of our heads, our taste, humor, behavior, sex drive preferences and needs everything has always been almost the same, so how could we not want to **** each other's brains out.

Our connection was already strong but being romantic and physical added a whole new layer of depth.

The communication was amazing, the sex was the best we've ever had (she'd make a point of it being crazy and by far the best not because she wanted to flatter me but just had the need to say it-type stuff.. Regardless of the veracity of THAT, for Me it was the best)

So whatever.. everything's perfect and being that I've seen how she is and deals with relationships, breakups and life issues, good and bad, for so long I know more than most will know about someone they love.

Except the last week... she has been becoming increasingly distant.


I asked her if something was up and she says no she's been busy and whatnot so I gave her space and let it be, but when she started responding differently to me, not being affectionate and even skipping out of a date.. I couldn't ignore it anymore.


I knew something was up and so I sit her down and asked her if the love was over for her, we can do this quietly and peacefully and each go our way, etc-- and she said no, apologized, we made up, had sex, went to bed.

Two days later, she's still acting the same.

I have no clue why, I don't know if it's her insecurity, another guy, not feeling it anymore or something else entirely.


Normally I'd know what to do a this point, but she's not just any girl to me. I want to spend my days with her if possible and it's hard to disconnect these elaborate feelings from doing the right thing, I'm afraid I'll go overboard so I'm looking for advice.

 

[highSpeed]

I'd say, don't invest too much more at this point. You have to withdraw attention, time, energy and emotion from this one. You'd have to go a long way before you should consider investing seriously in her at this point. Remember, this is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. If she's behaving like this in that phase, probably not one that you'd want to get into an LTR with.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I second what highSpeed says. When a girl does this, she is generally questioning things with you. She can be feeling overwhelmed..... For many reasons but a common one is a guy putting to much relationship pressure on her. Just based on your words, I'm getting a STRONG sense from you that you are doing this. She doesn't feel like you are something she must earn and could lose.... she instead feels an almost obligation.

Her attitude right now is likely the ONLY warning you will get before she dumps you. Do not invest more into her, lose this oneitis frame you've developed for her, start talking to other girls, and give this girl TONS of space. I would not initiate much contact with her at all. Slow up your txt responses to her. I would only arrange to see her once a week or once every other, unless she asks for more. Let several days pass between texting.

The problem with my suggesting these things to you is that they are tactics. Doing what I outline above will mimic how a guy with abundance and without oneitis would behave. But if you can't get your mindset into that frame, ultimately she will likely see past these tactics over time in the small things you do and it will continue to drive her away. So the REAL fix is to de-invest, focus on meeting new women, and accept that things may not work out with this one girl and be ok with that.

I know that isn't what you want to hear but it's the truth.

 

[Lyons]

I'm getting a STRONG sense from you that you are doing this. She doesn't feel like you are something she must earn and could lose.... she instead feels an almost obligation.

I haven't put on relationship pressure but I have been too available.

We work all day, get home around the same time and then we hang out. It's been that way for many years and that's just how she likes it.
Plus I have a good relationship and friendships within her family, making it difficult being out of the loop entirely when it's sort of.. expected of you.

I followed the advice and made myself unavailable, woke up to a bunch of texts of worry and affection.

Problem is this woman knows my entire life and knows if I cannot be reached it's pretty much because I don't want to be.


Any ideas on how to become scarce without coming across as a c0ck in my particular situation?

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I followed the advice and made myself unavailable, woke up to a bunch of texts of worry and affection.

Then this should prove to you that it works and is what is needed in response to her waning interest.

Problem is this woman knows my entire life and knows if I cannot be reached it's pretty much because I don't want to be.
Any ideas on how to become scarce without coming across as a c0ck in my particular situation?

No woman you aren't married to and living with should know your entire life. This in of itself is a problem, and is likely why she's getting bored and losing interest in you.

We work all day, get home around the same time and then we hang out.

This is linked to what I just said above. Is your only hobby and interest her? It shouldn't be. You should have friends, hobbies, things you do that don't involve her. Otherwise there is pressure on her and also boredom she will feel.

If you have friends and hobbies and things you do without her, it will make you less available, and more mysterious. Take up golf or running or ultimate frisbee or whatever.... meet new people, spend more time with your other friends if you have any and if you don't, make some new ones through hobbies and activities.

Keep doing things with her, but focus on doing OTHER things that don't involve her too.

 

[Julian]

It aint nothin to cut that b1ch off!

I dont give a fuk about excuses and all this female logic blablabla look hoe if you dont want to be with me then GO. “She gon choose. If she makes the wrong move, she gon lose.”

I literally just had the same issue, i called it out via text and said “look lets be real, things arent the same and if you arent feeling this situation then thats fine im still cool with you on a friend/casual level. I wish u the best.”

And im OUT.dont have time for bs games or to placate some dumbazz chick whos trying to create drama or doesn’t know how to be mature. F all that. Ive had ride or die chicks who wouldnt think twice about acting that way toward me so i sure as fuk aint gonna accept that behavior from anyone else period.

 

[Kotaix]

This one is really simple. Never tell her you love her. Or if you do, do so very sparingly. You don't need to be physically scarce, you just need to make your inner self scarce. Always keep her chasing after your validation. I've heard this from a lot of dating advice guys who I'd trust, but my dad has apparently never told my mom that he loves her and they've been married for 40 years now.

Be genuine and be cool. Don't tell her how you feel and let your actions speak what you won't say. I've found that the following to really help my game lately since I'm too honest and usually **** up by revealing information I shouldn't: "He who tries to shine dims his own light"

Ignore the black pill advice and good luck.

 

[highSpeed]

Then this should prove to you that it works and is what is needed in response to her waning interest.



No woman you aren't married to and living with should know your entire life. This in of itself is a problem, and is likely why she's getting bored and losing interest in you.



This is linked to what I just said above. Is your only hobby and interest her? It shouldn't be. You should have friends, hobbies, things you do that don't involve her. Otherwise there is pressure on her and also boredom she will feel.

If you have friends and hobbies and things you do without her, it will make you less available, and more mysterious. Take up golf or running or ultimate frisbee or whatever.... meet new people, spend more time with your other friends if you have any and if you don't, make some new ones through hobbies and activities.

Keep doing things with her, but focus on doing OTHER things that don't involve her too.

See this is what I don't understand about modern life and women in general. What's boredom? I mean, look, you only have so many hours in a day. Workout, work, that takes up a good portion of the day. If you're enterprising at all, you're probably working, generally, around 55+ hours a week. Spread that out over 5 days, and usually if you're working for yourself in any capacity, it's more like 6-7 days a week usually and you're at somewhere around 11 hours a day. Add in working out, sleeping, eating, showering, all the other stuff, you're literally at around 20 hours. So at a maximum, you might have around 4 hours a day to do other stuff. That's not much time.

Where is all of this time for generating all of this "excitement" and making her v tingle? I mean, that's a high expectation, to put not only the burden of performance on the man but to also make him responsible for making you feel excited. Who wants all that pressure? Better to date them for a bit, bang the hell out of them and when the feedback starts, move on.

 

[Trump]

Hello.

Except the last week... she has been becoming increasingly distant.

I asked her if something was up and she says no she's been busy and whatnot so I gave her space and let it be, but when she started responding differently to me, not being affectionate and even skipping out of a date.. I couldn't ignore it anymore.

*Girl becoming distant*
Man: “Why aren’t you loving me the way you used to? You are not all excited to see me and you don’t put your tongue down my throat anymore. Is something up?”

Come on bro. When a girl becomes distant, you don’t push harder and find out what’s wrong. You pull back and go have sex with another girl. If you push harder, the girl knows she has you emotionally and puts on more of an act to get you to react to her even more.
More reaction from you -> more power for her.

I knew something was up and so I sit her down and asked her if the love was over for her, we can do this quietly and peacefully and each go our way, etc-- and she said no, apologized, we made up, had sex, went to bed.

Two days later, she's still acting the same.

Man: “Please sit down. Is the love was over for you? If it is, we can do this quietly and peacefully and each go our way.
Women: “No, I’m sorry the way I acted.”
Man: “Good, good let’s have sex.”

Come on dude.

I have no clue why, I don't know if it's her insecurity, another guy, not feeling it anymore or something else entirely.

Normally I'd know what to do a this point, but she's not just any girl to me

Why? What can she give you that another girl cannot give you? What can she give you that another girl cannot give you that is going to be USEFUL to you in the real world?

 

[rjc149]

It sounds like you are focused on the relationship, on the feelings, and too easily affected by her emotional ebb and flow. You were okay in asking her 'hey what's up lately?' but the 'I sit her down and asked her if the love was over for her, we can do this quietly and peacefully and each go our way, etc ' sounded a little needy and insecure, and like the relationship is more important to you than it is to her. You have essentially ceded the dominant frame to her. She has begun to doubt your masculine core, so she withdrew. Your pursuit pushed her further away.

Mirror her behavior. She pulls away, you pull away. She acts distant, you act distant. On the other side of the coin, if she begins showing more affection, reciprocate. Validate good behavior, invalidate bad behavior. If she knows she can get to you by acting up, she'll lose respect for you -- and attraction for you.

It's been said before many times, but attraction grows in space and uncertainty. Be a little more scarce. Don't always be there.

 

[Lyons]

*Girl becoming distant*
Man: “Why aren’t you loving me the way you used to? You are not all excited to see me and you don’t put your tongue down my throat anymore. Is something up?”

Man: “Please sit down. Is the love was over for you? If it is, we can do this quietly and peacefully and each go our way.
Women: “No, I’m sorry the way I acted.”
Man: “Good, good let’s have sex.”

Ok that was kind of funny, but not at all how that happened.

I am emotionally invested and that's what she can give me that others can't, a connection.
I find it very hard to connect to anyone and that's what does it for me.
As such, I've grown bored of other women and I don't need a relationship to fvck around, spin plates and all that jazz. I know the drill.

Highspeed is correct, there isn't much time for me to make her V tingle and even if I had it I wouldn't use it to become an amusement.. but I should and will look into a hobby to organically make myself scarce without being a dbag, it's only healthy and logical for everyone.

I like this quote Mauser has:

When a woman treats you right, she gets the gift of your time. When she doesn't? She gets the gift of missing you.

That's pretty much what I've been doing since and things have been good.