What’s your take on the behaviour of my recent ex?
She broke up with me last week after I failed to notice any warning signs of an impending breakup.
The week prior was my birthday. She had her friends decorate and help prepare a party for me. Her present was a very expensive watch which she had engraved “love always.” She couldn’t wait to give it to me and filmed the entire thing to catch my reaction.
In the week after my birthday we were busy together with each other’s family almost daily. Dinners out, and I even took in her brother’s graduation. She made sure there was a ticket for me and I was included in all their family photos. We took a walk down by the water one night and posed in front of the sunset. A late night movie another night. Everything seemed normal. She even stocked our fridge and freezer with $150 worth of groceries on Friday, a mere 3 days before deciding to end things and move out.
She worked nights that weekend so we didn’t see much of each other. The last time I saw her before she broke up with me was the Sunday. She came to cuddle in with me on the couch before work. On the Monday she had plans to go up north with her mom, step father and her aunt for a night at a cottage. It was on the Monday that she confided in her closest friends and parents that she was going to break up with me.
Tuesday when I got home she broke up with me. We talked for 3 hours before she finally left, without packing anything even though she had all day to do so. Before she left she said she was blown away at how well we were communicating. I rambled on a lot during that conversation but any time I stopped and suggested she just leave as there was no point to my rambling due to the decision she made, she insisted on continuing with the conversation.
I can accept when someone wants out of a relationship. I’ve been through plenty of break ups, yes they suck but I do understand them and why they happen. I don’t understand this one and I’m having a hard time making sense of her motivations. Things were very celebratory the week leading up to her breaking up with me and that's what I'm struggling with. I was built up so high over my birthday only to have everything crash down a week later.
Reasons she gave me included we were too different, she never loved me at all, not comfortable with my family, not enough sex, incompatible parenting skills, she was worried she was forcing me to become someone I wasn’t, we had yet to argue, and she wanted to make sure we broke up on good terms.
Let’s break down her reasons for leaving.
We were too different - we were raised differently. Her family struggles with money while mine does not. Her family is loud, the partying and drinking type, mine is not. She is a party person, dance clubs, drinking on weekends. I never did any of that until I got involved with her but I participated in everything and enjoyed myself. She scaled that back a bit though. Our differences didn’t bother me, they clearly made her feel insecure but she never indicated it.
She never loved me - there are far too many examples where she demonstrated how she felt about me in a variety of ways consistently. I think she's trying to convince herself of this to make the break up easier on her.
Not comfortable with my family - true, although I didn’t know until she told me when she dumped me. She is use to everyone swearing, drinking, being loud. She felt like she had to tame herself a bit around mine. I don’t see this as being a bad thing though. I acted differently with her family than I do with mine. That's pretty normal, all families are different. My parents really liked her and accepted her from the beginning.
Not enough sex - our work schedules made it a little challenging to find that time. She works 12 hour rotating shifts days and nights full time. I work straight evenings. When she worked nights she slept all day and went to the gym for a couple hours before work. When she worked days I was at work when she was off in the evening and she was almost always sleeping when I got home. On her days off she prioritized going to the gym for 2-3 hours late morning to early afternoon and almost always followed that up with errands or other things like tanning and getting her nails done. This left time in the evening but she also complained we usually only had sex in the evening. She also worked part time at a clinic so her “days off” sometimes weren’t even days off because she was working her second job. She said she wanted it 5 times a day, in random places inside and out. That was impossible given our schedules.
Incompatible parenting skills - neither of us have kids or know what it’s like to raise them. She voiced plenty that she wanted to have kids with me and we planned to start in the new year. We had discussed plans within the last few weeks.
Forcing me to change - i’ve done things out of my comfort zone with her, but I did them because I wanted to. I never complained and always enjoyed myself. I was always open to new experiences and trying new things with her. She made me happy. That's all that mattered.
Never argued - the relationship wasn’t even a year old, I don't see anything wrong with not having any big blow outs at the beginning of a relationship. Who wants that conflict when you’re just starting out anyway?
Making sure we break up on good terms - who cares if we break up on bad terms or good terms. A break up sucks regardless. Why did it have to be a break up in the first place? All of these concerns are easily fixable if given the opportunity to address them.
I’ve spoken to her friends and family since and everyone is confused at the rapid turn of events, especially so soon after my birthday and her brother’s graduation. The reasons she gave me were the same she told her friends, and even they tried to convince her to speak with me before making any rash decisions as they felt she was throwing away something good without even attempting to work through what was bothering her.
I've gone NC with her as of this past weekend. I felt she was dragging out tying up some loose threads and I just needed her to disappear from my life so I could start the healing process. Her best friend does work for me though. She pushed me to hire her just a few weeks back so now I'm stuck with that. She's been pretty supportive though, engaging with me, cracking jokes, seeking me out at the workplace, etc. She even offered to throw away her friend's mail that I had to give her so clearly she isn't impressed either. I've avoided discussing anything with her though.
What gives with this one?
She broke up with me last week after I failed to notice any warning signs of an impending breakup.
The week prior was my birthday. She had her friends decorate and help prepare a party for me. Her present was a very expensive watch which she had engraved “love always.” She couldn’t wait to give it to me and filmed the entire thing to catch my reaction.
In the week after my birthday we were busy together with each other’s family almost daily. Dinners out, and I even took in her brother’s graduation. She made sure there was a ticket for me and I was included in all their family photos. We took a walk down by the water one night and posed in front of the sunset. A late night movie another night. Everything seemed normal. She even stocked our fridge and freezer with $150 worth of groceries on Friday, a mere 3 days before deciding to end things and move out.
She worked nights that weekend so we didn’t see much of each other. The last time I saw her before she broke up with me was the Sunday. She came to cuddle in with me on the couch before work. On the Monday she had plans to go up north with her mom, step father and her aunt for a night at a cottage. It was on the Monday that she confided in her closest friends and parents that she was going to break up with me.
Tuesday when I got home she broke up with me. We talked for 3 hours before she finally left, without packing anything even though she had all day to do so. Before she left she said she was blown away at how well we were communicating. I rambled on a lot during that conversation but any time I stopped and suggested she just leave as there was no point to my rambling due to the decision she made, she insisted on continuing with the conversation.
I can accept when someone wants out of a relationship. I’ve been through plenty of break ups, yes they suck but I do understand them and why they happen. I don’t understand this one and I’m having a hard time making sense of her motivations. Things were very celebratory the week leading up to her breaking up with me and that's what I'm struggling with. I was built up so high over my birthday only to have everything crash down a week later.
Reasons she gave me included we were too different, she never loved me at all, not comfortable with my family, not enough sex, incompatible parenting skills, she was worried she was forcing me to become someone I wasn’t, we had yet to argue, and she wanted to make sure we broke up on good terms.
Let’s break down her reasons for leaving.
We were too different - we were raised differently. Her family struggles with money while mine does not. Her family is loud, the partying and drinking type, mine is not. She is a party person, dance clubs, drinking on weekends. I never did any of that until I got involved with her but I participated in everything and enjoyed myself. She scaled that back a bit though. Our differences didn’t bother me, they clearly made her feel insecure but she never indicated it.
She never loved me - there are far too many examples where she demonstrated how she felt about me in a variety of ways consistently. I think she's trying to convince herself of this to make the break up easier on her.
Not comfortable with my family - true, although I didn’t know until she told me when she dumped me. She is use to everyone swearing, drinking, being loud. She felt like she had to tame herself a bit around mine. I don’t see this as being a bad thing though. I acted differently with her family than I do with mine. That's pretty normal, all families are different. My parents really liked her and accepted her from the beginning.
Not enough sex - our work schedules made it a little challenging to find that time. She works 12 hour rotating shifts days and nights full time. I work straight evenings. When she worked nights she slept all day and went to the gym for a couple hours before work. When she worked days I was at work when she was off in the evening and she was almost always sleeping when I got home. On her days off she prioritized going to the gym for 2-3 hours late morning to early afternoon and almost always followed that up with errands or other things like tanning and getting her nails done. This left time in the evening but she also complained we usually only had sex in the evening. She also worked part time at a clinic so her “days off” sometimes weren’t even days off because she was working her second job. She said she wanted it 5 times a day, in random places inside and out. That was impossible given our schedules.
Incompatible parenting skills - neither of us have kids or know what it’s like to raise them. She voiced plenty that she wanted to have kids with me and we planned to start in the new year. We had discussed plans within the last few weeks.
Forcing me to change - i’ve done things out of my comfort zone with her, but I did them because I wanted to. I never complained and always enjoyed myself. I was always open to new experiences and trying new things with her. She made me happy. That's all that mattered.
Never argued - the relationship wasn’t even a year old, I don't see anything wrong with not having any big blow outs at the beginning of a relationship. Who wants that conflict when you’re just starting out anyway?
Making sure we break up on good terms - who cares if we break up on bad terms or good terms. A break up sucks regardless. Why did it have to be a break up in the first place? All of these concerns are easily fixable if given the opportunity to address them.
I’ve spoken to her friends and family since and everyone is confused at the rapid turn of events, especially so soon after my birthday and her brother’s graduation. The reasons she gave me were the same she told her friends, and even they tried to convince her to speak with me before making any rash decisions as they felt she was throwing away something good without even attempting to work through what was bothering her.
I've gone NC with her as of this past weekend. I felt she was dragging out tying up some loose threads and I just needed her to disappear from my life so I could start the healing process. Her best friend does work for me though. She pushed me to hire her just a few weeks back so now I'm stuck with that. She's been pretty supportive though, engaging with me, cracking jokes, seeking me out at the workplace, etc. She even offered to throw away her friend's mail that I had to give her so clearly she isn't impressed either. I've avoided discussing anything with her though.
What gives with this one?
