Ghosted by yet another woman, I don't get it.

[sangheilios]

Hate to tell you but meeting the “wrong types of women” is MUCH MUCH easier than meeting the “right types”. There’s so really awful women out there and they are abundant. The devil can disguise himself, remember. Majority of dateable and maryable women are already spoken for, the ones we are coming across every day are damaged and have hardened hearts due to years of their own bad decisions.

I'm well aware of that and have personally met many, I just thought it was me but when I started posting on here it appears to be more normal and common than you'd think.

I agree, by a certain age the decent women are generally already taken, as you said. There are many damaged and broken women out there, especially with the dating culture that has been the norm for quite a while now.

 

[Julian]

Nice guys do finish last.....what should I be saying in a situation like that?

A leapord cant change its spots. U can try an come off alpha but she will see the cracks in your armor if you arent 100% congruent. Its a change in mental mindset and attitude that you need. Not some lines to say.

 

[Robert28]

I'm well aware of that and have personally met many, I just thought it was me but when I started posting on here it appears to be more normal and common than you'd think.

I agree, by a certain age the decent women are generally already taken, as you said. There are many damaged and broken women out there, especially with the dating culture that has been the norm for quite a while now.

You can’t feel sorry for those damaged and broken women though. They made their bad decisions, you didn’t. They made this dating culture what it is, men didn’t. They’re living with their bad decisions. I stopped feeling sorry for them years ago. There’s not a story a woman can tell me now they’ll make me feel sorry for them.

 

[sangheilios]

A leapord cant change its spots. U can try an come off alpha but she will see the cracks in your armor if you arent 100% congruent. Its a change in mental mindset and attitude that you need. Not some lines to say.

I'm by nature not some bad boy "alpha", it just isn't me. People that actually do know me/have met me would just say I'm a genuine, guy that has good intentions, intelligent, works hard, is dependable, etc. I realize none of those traits are seen as desirable by many women, especially the ones @Robert28 has mentioned above on this thread.

I should have taken a screen shot to show you but I just said "This is xyz the delivery guy" as my opening line.

 

[sangheilios]

You can’t feel sorry for those damaged and broken women though. They made their bad decisions, you didn’t. They made this dating culture what it is, men didn’t. They’re living with their bad decisions. I stopped feeling sorry for them years ago. There’s not a story a woman can tell me now they’ll make me feel sorry for them.

I agree, in our current times women are not victims at all, as they ultimately did choose to be with the men they had spread their legs for. All these single moms running around would be virtually unheard of just a half a century ago, now it's become the norm.

I don't feel sorry for them, all I want to do is be able to avoid them and never get involved at all in the first place. I've been toyed with by several women in my area, with what seemed like for their own pleasure with no real gain. It was hard for me to not let those experiences totally ruin the opposite sex for me, as what person in their right mind would voluntarily put themselves through something like that.

We are getting off topic here though

 

[SeekerOfTheWay]

I gave out my number last week when i was out at a music festival alone. I wanted to be alone, I chose to be alone and I was having a blast alone. This man approached me and did some heavy hitting. I am a nice person for the most part, women are taught to be polite and smile. I told this guy flat out that I was there alone because I wanted to be after my subtle “no thank you regarding drinks, i am seeing several people and my plate is full, I only date locally and this 40 mins from me, etc” He asked for my number at some point and i just gave it to him to shut him up and because i started to feel really nervous (men won’t get why). He called my phone as i gave him the number. I stayed polite the entire time though i was forceful in saying i was no interested.

So yes, I give my number out to shut guys up. It is sometimes the only thing that works because they think they got you. I realize i should have been stronger but i was getting worn down and just trying to get him to stfu and go away. I immediately blocked him when i got home. He had already texted on my way home. The blocked numbers still can leave a voicemail (it goes to filtered) and he has left three messages so far

So I am saying don’t gauge our IL by us giving out our numbers or BEING POLITE. Please remember females have just as much social programming as you guys. That’s why it may seem we are interested when we are not. We are not lying, acting or playing a game. We were taught to behave this way and be a nice girl. I am struggling with this this. To have boundaries without being a *****. No one is a victim, you or us, it’s just how it is. Females (me included) need to learn to say we are not interested in a way that men will understand. Almost every man i turn down seems to think i am “playing hard to get” or being coy when i am not. i legit want them to leave me the f alone! I am sorry to be mean but for all of OUR faults men can be so freaking annoying with how aggressive they are when we say no thanks or show we don’t want interaction. It wears a girl down after years of playing defense. I am not bitter yet but i can see how I could get a tad fed up and nasty about it.

Oh and I have the voicemails. I should post them here so you have to see what we have to deal with. And i gave no contact at all and now three weeks later another VM.

 

[sangheilios]

I have out my number last week when i was out at a music festival alone. I wanted to be alone, I chose to be alone and I was having a blast alone. This man approached me and did some heavy hitting. I am a nice person for the most part, women are taught to be polite and smile. I told this guy flat out that I was there alone because I wanted to be at one point after my subtle “no thank you regarding drinks, i am seeing several people and my plate is full, I only date locally and this 40 mins from me, etc” He asked for my number at some point and i just gave it to him to shut him up and because i started to feel really nervous (men won’t get why). He called my phone as i gave him the number. I stayed polite the entire time though i was forceful in saying i was no interested.

So yes, I give my number out to shut guys up. It is sometimes the only thing that works because they think they got you. I realize i should have been stronger but i was getting worn down and just trying to get him to stfu and go away. I immediately blocked him when i got home. He had already texted on my way home. The blocked numbers still can leave a voicemail (it goes to filtered) and he has left three messages so far

So I am saying don’t gauge our IL by us giving out our numbers or BEING POLITE. Please remember females have just as much social programming as you guys. That’s why it may seem we are interested when we are not. We are not lying, acting or playing a game. We were taught to behave this way and be a nice girl. I am struggling with this this. To have boundaries without being a *****.

I didn't pressure her or harass her for her number. Also, she did reply when I had first texted her, as I had mentioned on the original post of this thread.

Now that I've "slept on it", I think it was a case of coming across as too eager for a date, as @LJC had mentioned, or perhaps she just backed away out of uneasiness over the situation in general. I don't think I specifically did anything wrong, given the context of this situation, but I might text a bit differently and less "thirsty" as that poster had mentioned.

 

[Robert28]

I have out my number last week when i was out at a music festival alone. I wanted to be alone, I chose to be alone and I was having a blast alone. This man approached me and did some heavy hitting. I am a nice person for the most part, women are taught to be polite and smile. I told this guy flat out that I was there alone because I wanted to be at one point after my subtle “no thank you regarding drinks, i am seeing several people and my plate is full, I only date locally and this 40 mins from me, etc” He asked for my number at some point and i just gave it to him to shut him up and because i started to feel really nervous (men won’t get why). He called my phone as i gave him the number. I stayed polite the entire time though i was forceful in saying i was no interested.

So yes, I give my number out to shut guys up. It is sometimes the only thing that works because they think they got you. I realize i should have been stronger but i was getting worn down and just trying to get him to stfu and go away. I immediately blocked him when i got home. He had already texted on my way home. The blocked numbers still can leave a voicemail (it goes to filtered) and he has left three messages so far

So I am saying don’t gauge our IL by us giving out our numbers or BEING POLITE. Please remember females have just as much social programming as you guys. That’s why it may seem we are interested when we are not. We are not lying, acting or playing a game. We were taught to behave this way and be a nice girl. I am struggling with this this. To have boundaries without being a *****. No one is a victim, you or us, it’s just how it is. Females (me included) need to learn to say we are not interested in a way that men will understand. Almost every man i turn down seems to think i am “playing hard to get” or being coy when i am not. i legit want them to leave me the f alone! I am sorry to be mean but for all of OUR faults men can be so freaking annoying with how aggressive they are when we say no thanks or show we don’t want interaction. It wears a girl down after years of playing defense. I am not bitter yet but i can see how I could get a tad fed up and nasty about it.

That guy obviously didn’t know what in the blue hell he was doing.

 

[sangheilios]

Nobody has control over outcomes. What I am suggesting is how to focus on setting up these opportunities for a higher probability of success.

Yes, these kinds of approach scenarios have a much lower success rate. And I am telling you the reason why. If your problem is flaking and ghosting to an extent that it is perplexing and bothering you, then you need to focus on establishing certain levels of comfort to break through this problem. You then match whatever comfort you can establish with appropriate actions that will buy you the time you need to establish even more comfort and more follow through from women.

Most women will not follow through on a 2 minute chance meeting with a total stranger when you make plans for an entire evening together a week later. She does not know you well enough, has nothing invested in you enough and will easily be persuaded by other things in life in the meantime long before that meeting ever happens.

You need to learn how to transition tentative interest into more time, and it is that time you will use to draw a woman in to solidify enough interest to see far more follow through and a big reduction in ghosting/flaking. Many times, all you need to do is find a way to buy 15 more minutes with them, however it can be done.

As I mentioned, the only opportunities I do actually have to meet women, at least right now, are with these spontaneous situations where interaction may only occur for just a couple minutes, if even that.

These are well in the past, but I've asked women out that were at the bank, store, etc. I'd get a number and a text back but be unable to actually land a date from that. I used to think there was something wrong with me but now I think it's more to do with the fact that I'm a total stranger and there is no real incentive for these women to go out of their way to spend time with a guy like that.

This was a year ago, but I had met a woman when I was out for a night on the town with my friends and we were able to speak for over an hour. I grabbed her number and she instantly replied and we arranged a date for a couple nights later. She was actually the one to pursue me because she had texted me asking to confirm earlier that day.

If I can actually meet women in situations like that I know I can do well, but I never am so it's a moot point.

 

[SeekerOfTheWay]

That guy obviously didn’t know what in the blue hell he was doing.

This is an example and it’s 98% of how men handle approaching me. I get it, i am out and smiling and dressed cute and I don’t mind being approached at all. It makes me feel connected with people and good about myself in some ways. But MOST men are too overbearing, needy, cannot read signals, will not take no as an answer. It’s super frustrating and insulting when I say “no thank you, i want to be alone” for a man to say “ooooh come on, one drink.”. I want to slap them but also I am nice so I just smile and say no but thanks! And even that encourages them. But it’s not in my nature to be mean to someone’s face. So it’s a no win situation for you and me.

It’s not a war between the sexes. It’s more that we need to understand and accept and appreciate the other. If we do things that come off as manipulative or game playing there may be legit reasons.

 

[sangheilios]

This is an example and it’s 98% of how men handle approaching me. I get it, i am out and smiling and dressed cute and I don’t mind being approached at all. It makes me feel connected with people and good about myself in some ways. But MOST men are too overbearing, needy, cannot read signals, will not take no as an answer. It’s super frustrating and insulting when I say “no thank you, i want to be alone” for a man to say “ooooh come on, one drink.”. I want to slap them but also I am nice so I just smile and say no but thanks! And even that encourages them. But it’s not in my nature to be mean to someone’s face. So it’s a no win situation for you and me.

It’s not a war between the sexes. It’s more that we need to understand and accept and appreciate the other. If we do things that come off as manipulative or game playing there may be legit reasons.

There are women who legitimately do in fact mess with guys for their own pleasure, though I nor the other poster are implying that you and all women do that.

I've posted about several on this forum who literally went out of their way to approach me and ask ME out on dates just to ghost on me and later lead me on for no reason at all outside of attention and who knows what else. You've posted on one of the threads I had on here about one of those women.

 

[SeekerOfTheWay]

There are women who legitimately do in fact mess with guys for their own pleasure, though I nor the other poster are implying that you and all women do that.

I've posted about several on this forum who literally went out of their way to approach me and ask ME out on dates just to ghost on me and later lead me on for no reason at all outside of attention and who knows what else. You've posted on one of the threads I had on here about one of those women.

Totally agree with you. They do that for their own validation and ego. A hundred percent agree! I guess it’s hard to tell the difference between the two? Is there a way? Do you know when a female really is just being polite because we are taught to be? I know it’s frustrating for you guys. This is interesting.

 

[sazc]

@SeekerOfTheWay men don't like to be told no, I understand exactly what you are speaking about here.

If it helps, then also don't like to be led on, and by giving the number and then blocking you're definitely leading him on and that's why he's calling you three weeks later, because to himself he's thinking she gave me her number I must have a shot. So you are actually doing a much nicer thing like just saying no to giving him your number.

Correction, just say no to giving him your number and then be prepared to duck and run if he has a reaction

 

[sangheilios]

The difference in outcome from the two above situations is not the method of approach.

It was in the opportunity to establish enough comfort to get the follow through.

The amount of time you have on the original interaction to establish any comfort whatsoever should be matched with the same type of date. You shouldn't expect an entire evening out of a woman you talked to for 3 minutes. Likewise, you don't plan a 15 minute coffee date with a woman who had an hour to warm up to in a nightclub.

Try focusing on establishing much shorter, less investing dates as soon as possible with short, cold approach situations that go well. Match the date with the level of comfort that was established during the original encounter. Your goal is to get JUST enough time to assure them you're normal, fun, interesting.... not weird, etc. THEN you go for longer blocks of time and investment.

I understand the idea of building rapport, comfort, etc.

Given the context of how I met that woman last night and what you are mentioning to me on here something like this would suffice:

Me: Hey, this is xyz, the delivery guy
Her: Hey this abc blah blah blah
Me: Hey, I get out around 10ish, would you wanna meet up at 123 after my shift?

However, with all that aside I don't think it really matters all that much but if I find myself in a situation like that again maybe I'll try that out.

 

[Robert28]

This is an example and it’s 98% of how men handle approaching me. I get it, i am out and smiling and dressed cute and I don’t mind being approached at all. It makes me feel connected with people and good about myself in some ways. But MOST men are too overbearing, needy, cannot read signals, will not take no as an answer. It’s super frustrating and insulting when I say “no thank you, i want to be alone” for a man to say “ooooh come on, one drink.”. I want to slap them but also I am nice so I just smile and say no but thanks! And even that encourages them. But it’s not in my nature to be mean to someone’s face. So it’s a no win situation for you and me.

It’s not a war between the sexes. It’s more that we need to understand and accept and appreciate the other. If we do things that come off as manipulative or game playing there may be legit reasons.

I very rarely approach. When I’m out with friends I honestly keep to my group and I’ll notice women giving me looks and I’ll give them looks right back, but I won’t approach. It’s not that I’m shy, I just don’t want to. I get in a lazy mindset and think “do I really feel like putting on my game and approaching this girl or would I rather go have another drink, yeah I’d rather go have another drink.”.lol I’m the kind of being able to ignore hot women because I know what they’re looking for and I refuse to give it to them. She can approach me if she wants but I’m not going to validate her ego by approaching her.

 

[sangheilios]

Totally agree with you. They do that for their own validation and ego. A hundred percent agree! I guess it’s hard to tell the difference between the two? Is there a way? Do you know when a female really is just being polite because we are taught to be? I know it’s frustrating for you guys. This is interesting.

To some degree I can't really tell anymore.

Here is an example from late last summer/early fall.

There was this light skinned black girl I had seen at my gym for quite a while, who I noticed would blatantly check me out a lot. Anyway, I held the door to the aerobics room open for her and she locked eyes with me and said thank you, so I knew for sure she was interested. A couple days later I full blown approached her and she immediately took her headphones off and had a huge smile on her face and we introduced ourselves.

We spoke for a bit but it wasn't really the best conversation, she didn't say much at all, so I asked for her number. She told me she had a boyfriend, to which I said that she shouldn't be acting like that if that was the case, and then I told her it was nice to meet her and went back to what I was doing.

She leaves a couple minutes later but goes out of her way to flirtatiously wave and say bye to me. After that she'd encourage me to talk to her and would behave the same. I made another move a couple months later and she turned me down. We stopped talking after that naturally, as she had clearly led me on.

 

[Robert28]

@SeekerOfTheWay men don't like to be told no, I understand exactly what you are speaking about here.

If it helps, then also don't like to be led on, and by giving the number and then blocking you're definitely leading him on and that's why he's calling you three weeks later, because to himself he's thinking she gave me her number I must have a shot. So you are actually doing a much nicer thing like just saying no to giving him your number.

Correction, just say no to giving him your number and then be prepared to duck and run if he has a reaction

I can honestly say I’ve never heard about or seen a man get violent because a woman rejected him. Now I hear about women staying in abusive relationships all the time and refusing to leave, and I’m just like you’re stupid if you put up with that.

I had a woman reject me over a loud speaker when I was 15 at the skating rink. All my friends were there and heard it. Talk about embarrassed, but I never cussed her out or did anything to her. I saw this same girl a couple years ago and boy did she get fat, she came up to me to apologize a million times about something that happened 21 years prior and then proceeded to ask me out.lol

 

[SeekerOfTheWay]

@SeekerOfTheWay men don't like to be told no, I understand exactly what you are speaking about here.

If it helps, then also don't like to be led on, and by giving the number and then blocking you're definitely leading him on and that's why he's calling you three weeks later, because to himself he's thinking she gave me her number I must have a shot. So you are actually doing a much nicer thing like just saying no to giving him your number.

Correction, just say no to giving him your number and then be prepared to duck and run if he has a reaction

You’re right, and i know it is something i need to work out. I said no maybe 5 times and he kept going. I would have walked away but i was throughly enjoying the band i was trying to listen to! lol. I started to get nervous the more aggressive he got but that’s on me. There was probably no real threat.

Next time I will be like “NO NUMBER FOR YOU NEXT!” I really need to. I am a people pleaser so that’s hard for me to do... But i agree with you!

 

[SeekerOfTheWay]

I can honestly say I’ve never heard about or seen a man get violent because a woman rejected him. Now I hear about women staying in abusive relationships all the time and refusing to leave, and I’m just like you’re stupid if you put up with that.

I had a woman reject me over a loud speaker when I was 15 at the skating rink. All my friends were there and heard it. Talk about embarrassed, but I never cussed her out or did anything to her. I saw this same girl a couple years ago and boy did she get fat, she came up to me to apologize a million times about something that happened 21 years prior and then proceeded to ask me out.lol

I can tell you personal stories... Men don’t always handle rejection well. It’s something as females we need to always think about.

 

[Mike32ct]

While I'm the farthest thing from an optimist/Pollyanna, I think you are focusing too much on the negatives here. I think there are good reasons to be optimistic going forward*.

You had some instant attraction, got a number close and some texting back and forth. This is like Edison testing a light-bulb filament that lights up for sixty seconds and then burns out. He's getting closer to finding a filament material that actually stays lit.

*Not with this chick, but with other ones.