My GF Revealed She is Insecure

[jaymbrs]

Op,if you don't mind my asking.....I was just wondering how long you and your girlfriend have been dating and seeing each other.

6 months.

 

[Igetit!]

6 months.

Ok. Well the reason I was asking was because,when I read the initial post,something kinda stood out to me....seemed odd....REALLY odd.

You started the post out stating a bunch of positives about the girl.....a LOT of positives. In fact,I'd damn near say she seemed like a "dream" girl. She's an "8"....makes OVER $100,000 a year.....

well-connected
great family values
caring...unselfish. She's in decent shape and physically attractive. To me,it just doesn't seem to get much better than that. The fact that you mentioned "8" AND "unselfish" in the same sentence alone almost threw me in shock.

You said all those positives...then mentioned ONE negative trait,one that ANOTHER PERSON (her father)....that he introduced in her. The one bad thing about her....she didn't even cause it...it was instilled in her as a child. Her father,either purposely or unpurposely,knowingly or unknowingly sent her on a wrong path. He basically spinned her around and around a million miles per hour,put a blind-fold on her,then sent her off blind,walking in the middle of a mine field.


Now granted,insecurity IS a big deal. It IS......it can wreck and destroy a relationship. But YOU said something that struck me as REAL odd....

After you confronted her about her starting jealous fights and always fishing for compliments,and then her revealing to you that she's insecure because of how her father treated her growing up,you said.......

It's one of the bigger surprises to me to hear that this woman is insecure. All along I thought she was a very confident, strong, successful woman and I have to admit, my attraction for her has declined a bit because of this admission.

This was odd because,it seems the WHOLE TIME you dated this woman,everything seemed to be going well. You said,"ALL ALONG I THOUGHT SHE WAS A VERY CONFIDENT,STRONG,SUCCESSFUL woman." It wasn't until SHE ADMITTED that she was insecure that you seemed to have a REAL problem with her. In fact,YOU SAID it was a "big surprise" to hear her say she was insecure. And you also said.....

I have to admit, my attraction for her has declined a bit because of this admission.

So your attraction declined......NOT BECAUSE OF THE INSECURITY.........but because of HER ADMISSION of it.

Her ADMISSION of being insecure made your attracted decline. Wasn't the insecurity itself,because she's been insecure THE WHOLE TIME you've known her. She was raised insecure,brought up as a child that way. It was present in all her previous relationships before you. That seemed odd to me. Seemed odd because you appeared to be willing to tolerate it,up until the admission.

I also wonder how much longer the relationship would have went on trouble free if she had kept her mouth shut and not revealed her issue to you.....even though you saw glimpses of it from time to time.


I don't know.....maybe you saw an occasional red flag and just brushed it to the side,didn't notice it,or just didn't care....but her admission confirmed SOMETHING in you,now you're ready to move on.

Just struck me as odd.

 

[JohnChops]

Men are super insecure as well. You guys discuss here how you have competition with chad.

I feel like that is a new thing. Didn't even know wtf a chad was until I came back here after a few years hiatus. I'm not sure why guys compare themselves to "chad" but it seems like those are the ones that are low quality themselves. No self respecting man would compare himself to some "all powerful/best looking" male.

 

[jaymbrs]

Ok. Well the reason I was asking was because,when I read the initial post,something kinda stood out to me....seemed odd....REALLY odd.

You started the post out stating a bunch of positives about the girl.....a LOT of positives. In fact,I'd damn near say she seemed like a "dream" girl. She's an "8"....makes OVER $100,000 a year.....

well-connected
great family values
caring...unselfish. She's in decent shape and physically attractive. To me,it just doesn't seem to get much better than that. The fact that you mentioned "8" AND "unselfish" in the same sentence alone almost threw me in shock.

You said all those positives...then mentioned ONE negative trait,one that ANOTHER PERSON (her father)....that he introduced in her. The one bad thing about her....she didn't even cause it...it was instilled in her as a child. Her father,either purposely or unpurposely,knowingly or unknowingly sent her on a wrong path. He basically spinned her around and around a million miles per hour,put a blind-fold on her,then sent her off blind,walking in the middle of a mine field.


Now granted,insecurity IS a big deal. It IS......it can wreck and destroy a relationship. But YOU said something that struck me as REAL odd....

After you confronted her about her starting jealous fights and always fishing for compliments,and then her revealing to you that she's insecure because of how her father treated her growing up,you said.......





This was odd because,it seems the WHOLE TIME you dated this woman,everything seemed to be going well. You said,"ALL ALONG I THOUGHT SHE WAS A VERY CONFIDENT,STRONG,SUCCESSFUL woman." It wasn't until SHE ADMITTED that she was insecure that you seemed to have a REAL problem with her. In fact,YOU SAID it was a "big surprise" to hear her say she was insecure. And you also said.....



So your attraction declined......NOT BECAUSE OF THE INSECURITY.........but because of HER ADMISSION of it.

Her ADMISSION of being insecure made your attracted decline. Wasn't the insecurity itself,because she's been insecure THE WHOLE TIME you've known her. She was raised insecure,brought up as a child that way. It was present in all her previous relationships before you. That seemed odd to me. Seemed odd because you appeared to be willing to tolerate it,up until the admission.

I also wonder how much longer the relationship would have went on trouble free if she had kept her mouth shut and not revealed her issue to you.....even though you saw glimpses of it from time to time.


I don't know.....maybe you saw an occasional red flag and just brushed it to the side,didn't notice it,or just didn't care....but her admission confirmed SOMETHING in you,now you're ready to move on.

Just struck me as odd.

There were red flags that I overlooked for sure because of my overall thoughts of her. Her revealing that she is insecure for whatever reason makes me see her in a different light and I probably made up excuses for her jealousy such as her seeing girls texting me a lot, who are just friends and a few times from an ex who I keep in touch with since we’re in the same line of work AND she lives about 1000 miles away. But once she said “I’m insecure for XYZ reason” makes me realize that it wasn’t me causing her to “act” insecure. It was some deep **** that I believe is irreparable and I don’t want to deal with it.

Still odd for you?

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

You are 6 months in. That explains a great deal. The honeymoon phase is winding down and she no longer walks on water.

In other words your romanticized notion (illusion) of who she is has started to conflict with reality. That is inevitable in ANY developing relationship.

All people have weaknesses and insecurities. It takes a person of character and strength to reveal themselves and be vulnerable to someone who can hurt them. Your girlfriend actually exhibits some self awareness in sharing this with you...and you can’t modify behaviors that are not acknowledged. So give her a little credit. Granted the next logical step is the “Ok. What are you doing about it?” Question that @sazc mentioned.

Attraction ebbs and flows. You are moving from infatuation to something more meaningful IF you allow it to develop.

And hormones are really a thing. Females fluctuate emotionally with the cycle. It took me years to understand and acknowledge that within myself. Men don’t have a cycle where your hormonal equations flip every 2 weeks or so. It’s foreign to men but if you pay attention you’ll see patterns that emerge which can be tied to the hormonal tide. So that might be a factor too.

Her father screwed her up. I had a dad like that. He actually thought being extra tough on his daughter’s would be good, would make us strong...it did. It also took a chip out of my shoulder the size of Texas. That took some doing to self diagnose & repair. She sounds like she has the self awareness to be prepared to repair those broken places in her psyche.

Perhaps a little patience is warranted? Are you perfect and impervious to insecurity? If not, be patient. You are entering a phase where you get to see more accurately who you are dealing with. And likewise she is getting to see more the real you too.

Why not see what unfolds & go from there?