How Do I Get This Girl Out Of My Mind?

[mrgoodstuff]

My hangup with my ex wasn’t her past, but who she kept hanging around FROM her past. She always kept around ****ty people because I guess that’s all she knew.

Its who SHE IS....

 

[soulforge]

Because they are low life losers?

Well here in the UK its a class A drug... And considered to be highly addictive.

However I hear alot of people use it on a social basis.

I suppose it depends on the individual.. From social use, to straight up addiction.

 

[soulforge]

How serious do you guys consider the issue she has with intamicy??

I will give you an example.. We went to the cinema to watch a movie as Girlfriend & Boyfriend.

Not once did she hold my hand.. Later on in the middle of the movie she held it a little, but just barely holding it lol

I have been on walks in the countryside with her, we walked for ages, yet not much hand holding or intimacy.

To be honest its just an observation... In my previous relationships, chicks have been all over me.. Wanting to hold my hand, or cuddle me etc...

Obviously these are signs of intimacy issues... But can also be read as Low Interest?

In a LTR I believe this intimacy issue could become a problem.

 

[Robert28]

Its who SHE IS....

That’s what I was blind to for so long.

 

[Robert28]

How serious do you guys consider the issue she has with intamicy??

I will give you an example.. We went to the cinema to watch a movie as Girlfriend & Boyfriend.

Not once did she hold my hand.. Later on in the middle of the movie she held it a little, but just barely holding it lol

I have been on walks in the countryside with her, we walked for ages, yet not much hand holding or intimacy.

To be honest its just an observation... In my previous relationships, chicks have been all over me.. Wanting to hold my hand, or cuddle me etc...

Obviously these are signs of intimacy issues... But can also be read as Low Interest?

In a LTR I believe this intimacy issue could become a problem.

My ex was exactly like that! I thought low interest too but what confused me was how hard she pursued me. If she didn’t hear from me for 2 days she literally would flip her ****. She still mentions how I didn’t “text her when I got home” one damn time back in March. She would hardly ever hold my hand either, but she would let me put my hand on the small of her back and lead her through doors and stuff. She was the first non-touchy feely girl I seriously dated but I had to learn her ways. I had to control my touchiness but she’d make it up in the bedroom. She was also self conscious about being in a bathing suit which was weird af because she had a BANGING body, holy hell. I workout and am in great shape and I felt inferior standing next to her when we went swimming lol

 

[flowtheory]

How serious do you guys consider the issue she has with intamicy??

I will give you an example.. We went to the cinema to watch a movie as Girlfriend & Boyfriend.

Not once did she hold my hand.. Later on in the middle of the movie she held it a little, but just barely holding it lol

I have been on walks in the countryside with her, we walked for ages, yet not much hand holding or intimacy.

To be honest its just an observation... In my previous relationships, chicks have been all over me.. Wanting to hold my hand, or cuddle me etc...

Obviously these are signs of intimacy issues... But can also be read as Low Interest?

In a LTR I believe this intimacy issue could become a problem.

Vulnerability.

If she opened up to you, or leaned in to you fully, that means she would be exposed on an emotional level. Chances are she has done that before and been burned. Most likely in childhood. This will always be her hindrance in life. That’s her internal work. But she won’t admit that or face that challenge. Instead she will make her partner responsible for not providing her that and will in-turn create drama.

Part of you will think it’s you. That she has low IL in, but the reality is it’s her stuff. You can’t chnage how she naturally is.

The point: she didn’t nuture you the way you craved and longed for. This upset the system because every action or inaction has a reaction even if there is none. Women who make a man better support and care for him. They don’t neglect his emotional needs.

 

[soulforge]

Vulnerability.

If she opened up to you, or leaned in to you fully, that means she would be exposed on an emotional level. Chances are she has done that before and been burned. Most likely in childhood. This will always be her hindrance in life. That’s her internal work. But she won’t admit that or face that challenge. Instead she will make her partner responsible for not providing her that and will in-turn create drama.

Part of you will think it’s you. That she has low IL in, but the reality is it’s her stuff. You can’t chnage how she naturally is.

The point: she didn’t nuture you the way you craved and longed for. This upset the system because every action or inaction has a reaction even if there is none. Women who make a man better support and care for him. They don’t neglect his emotional needs.

I took her actions as low IL

It seemed like if we was to hold hands, then I would have to reach out to her.

If we was to have an intimate moment, then I would have to reach out to her.

Which again reinforced the idea in me, that she either isn't bothered at all about me, or she is trying to create an environment where I do ALL the work.

This put me in an awkward position, because I felt by reaching out to hold her hand much more often than her, or giving her a cuddle more often, it made me come across as needy.

 

[SeekerOfTheWay]

I took her actions as low IL

It seemed like if we was to hold hands, then I would have to reach out to her.

If we was to have an intimate moment, then I would have to reach out to her.

Which again reinforced the idea in me, that she either isn't bothered at all about me, or she is trying to create an environment where I do ALL the work.

This put me in an awkward position, because I felt by reaching out to hold her hand much more often than her, or giving her a cuddle more often, it made me come across as needy.

Okay, so i am similar to her. I had a very cold upbringing both my mother and father. my dad’s side of the family NEVER hugs. We waved. My mom’s side was more huggy but i was conditioned to be very cold and guarded physically. It’s been an issue for me. Something i have been working for for 25+ years now. Touch is very important and healing and so i make a conscience effort to do it but it does not come naturally to me. I have dated men that are cold too because that’s what i am used to. those relationships all failed. my best relationship so far has been with a man that is my polar opposite and extremely warm and touchy. This hooked me right away and he always had to initiate the touching. I eventually started to and he would make a comment like “i love your touches”. it helped alot! Now i am way more touchy and warm. Sometimes naturally and sometimes i force it.

my point is, i think it’s good she shared with you and it’s okay for you to take the lead. i don’t think it’s “beta”. we are all human and have our issues and flaws. doesn’t mean we are damaged or worthless. My coldness was ingrained in me but doesn’t mean i am a cold person. i just need help to bring out the warmth. Sometimes it’s still hard and an internal struggle. Whenever i meet a new date i always hug them right away. For me, not them. And surprisingly i have always received good feedback from doing that. If i am perceived as cold (if he brings it up) i will mention my cold family but i will also say i love touch, so keep doing it.

 

[soulforge]

Okay, so i am similar to her. I had a very cold upbringing both my mother and father. my dad’s side of the family NEVER hugs. We waved. My mom’s side was more huggy but i was conditioned to be very cold and guarded physically. It’s been an issue for me. Something i have been working for for 25+ years now. Touch is very important and healing and so i make a conscience effort to do it but it does not come naturally to me. I have dated men that are cold too because that’s what i am used to. those relationships all failed. my best relationship so far has been with a man that is my polar opposite and extremely warm and touchy. This hooked me right away and he always had to initiate the touching. I eventually started to and he would make a comment like “i love your touches”. it helped alot! Now i am way more touchy and warm. Sometimes naturally and sometimes i force it.

my point is, i think it’s good she shared with you and it’s okay for you to take the lead. i don’t think it’s “beta”. we are all human and have our issues and flaws. doesn’t mean we are damaged or worthless. My coldness was ingrained in me but doesn’t mean i am a cold person. i just need help to bring out the warmth. Sometimes it’s still hard and an internal struggle. Whenever i meet a new date i always hug them right away. For me, not them. And surprisingly i have always received good feedback from doing that. If i am perceived as cold (if he brings it up) i will mention my cold family but i will also say i love touch, so keep doing it.

I can understand what you say.. And I am certain there a woman like you who appreciate a man taking the lead, and taking her hand.. Showing her lots of affection.

However there are equally as many women who would find it a turn off, when the guy is making ALL the effort.

In the early days of dating, its difficult to determine exactly what is going on.

Is it just Low IL? Or is she simply a cold fish.

She admitted to me that she had intamicy issues, probably due to her lifestyle and abuse at a young age.

How does one overcome her intimacy issues and all the Trust issues, and all the other red flags she displays.

It seems like a losing battle to me.

 

[Robert28]

My ex told me she didn’t like me being touchy feely with her so I stopped. That was the first time anyone’s ever told me I was too touchy feely and I honestly am not big on PDA, so I was really confused. I was never all over her but little things like I’d hold her hand while driving and she’s pull away after a few mins, to her that was too touchy feely. The thing is when I stopped cold turkey, she would touch me randomly and playfully and I’d be like “quit being touchy feely!” but I said it with a smile and she’d laugh. So from then on I’d let her do all the touching but every now and then I’d do some just to show her I wasn’t afraid to. It was hard to learn because stuff that came natural to me I had to all of a sudden un-learn.

 

[soulforge]

I think this girl who I was seeing, her intamicy issues arise from her being abused as a child for a long period of time.

Also keep in mind, she worked as a semi nude dancer and model for a long time in her teens..

Who knows how many different men took advantage of her, till the point where intamicy is such a scary thing for her.

She claims to have only ever had sex with four people.. Not quite sure if that is true.

 

[Robert28]

I think this girl who I was seeing, her intamicy issues arise from her being abused as a child for a long period of time.

Also keep in mind, she worked as a semi nude dancer and model for a long time in her teens..

Who knows how many different men took advantage of her, till the point where intamicy is such a scary thing for her.

She claims to have only ever had sex with four people.. Not quite sure if that is true.

That means 4 people she’s actually loved. She’s not counting the random hookups, etc.

 

[soulforge]

Twice i've thought about messaging her today, to see if we can work it out.

Trying to get back together with a girl you dumped, never ends well though.

Her puzzy got some serious power lol.

Hell I wasn't even this bothered when my 2 year relationship ended.

I'm going for a 5 mile run soon, to shake the feeling off.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Wow I didn't think I would feel this way if things came to an abrupt end... However I am feeling like shyte right now bros.

As your aware I ended things with her over the weekend.

We was seeing each other for around 4 months.

She was a fun person to be around, the sex was amazing and her figure was beautiful.

But the RED FLAGS just kept eating away at me.

Then the incident with me calling her up, and her not taking the call, created further doubts in my mind in regards to how she handles conflict, setting doubts in my mind about a LTR with her.

Why do I feel like a junkie whose had his Crack taken off him?

Deep inside I know things would have turned to shyte long term.. So shouldn't I be feeling relieved instead of saddened?

Is it just shallowness on my part because she was super sexy? I liked her character too, she seemed like a nice enough person, I enjoyed her company.

Some things I could have also handled better with her.. but now I am kicking myself for letting my guard down and going exclusive with her so soon.

She even talked about me moving in with her, meeting her family etc. Got totally sucked into this idea of getting serious with her.

Consider the red flags though.

01.Was abused as a child from the age of 6 upwards.

02.Has self harmed herself at some point.

03.Has worked as a semi nude dancer in bars and clubs.

04.Has done nude modelling, bondage modelling & probably some porn.

05.The guy she did nude modelling for, the photographer stops at her house with her, every other month...

He looks old and ugly, probably in his 60s, but she claims they have never had sex, and wants me to be okay with the situation or for me to be present everytime he comes over.

How can this situation be strictly platonic, when he has photographed or filmed her private parts?

06.She uses cocaine occasionally and has a friend who is addicted to cocaine, that she lends money to.. Financially irresponsible!

07.She has many male friends, and talks about them very often.

08.She has taken part in a 3sum and foursome in the past.

09.She has had a 6 year Lesbian relationship too.

10.She admits to having intamicy issues, due to her history.

11.She makes little effort to text..Usually only hear from her once a day, for a few minutes. The communication between us, was rather brief and regimented.

I have a feeling she will contact me at some point.. I hope to be strong enough to just ignore and move on with shyte.

The solution for has always been and will always be #nextSet

 

[sazc]

How serious do you guys consider the issue she has with intamicy??

I will give you an example.. We went to the cinema to watch a movie as Girlfriend & Boyfriend.

Not once did she hold my hand.. Later on in the middle of the movie she held it a little, but just barely holding it lol

I have been on walks in the countryside with her, we walked for ages, yet not much hand holding or intimacy.

To be honest its just an observation... In my previous relationships, chicks have been all over me.. Wanting to hold my hand, or cuddle me etc...

Obviously these are signs of intimacy issues... But can also be read as Low Interest?

In a LTR I believe this intimacy issue could become a problem.

What I hear you saying is that you're not getting the level of intimacy YOU want from her. I assume this is DESPITE the fact that you have expressed wanting this.

To me that says she's never going to be who you need.

Example/lesson...
I dated a guy once who didn't really like to kiss. Of course there was kissing in the beginning, and then it trailed off. Eventually I asked him wtf. It was then (6 most in) he admitted kissing was never his thing. I gave him a pass but I really missed it. For me, passionately kissing gets me going, during sex it can being me to orgasm.

We broke up a few months later. Did he have intimacy issues? Seems like it. But what I really came to learn and understand was that I wanted a partner who likes to kiss and I wasn't going to accept less moving forward. Standards.

 

[stovepipe]

Where did you meet this sloot?

 

[soulforge]

What I hear you saying is that you're not getting the level of intimacy YOU want from her. I assume this is DESPITE the fact that you have expressed wanting this.

To me that says she's never going to be who you need.

Example/lesson...
I dated a guy once who didn't really like to kiss. Of course there was kissing in the beginning, and then it trailed off. Eventually I asked him wtf. It was then (6 most in) he admitted kissing was never his thing. I gave him a pass but I really missed it. For me, passionately kissing gets me going, during sex it can being me to orgasm.

We broke up a few months later. Did he have intimacy issues? Seems like it. But what I really came to learn and understand was that I wanted a partner who likes to kiss and I wasn't going to accept less moving forward. Standards.

I get what you say sazc... But what happens when only ONE of you is instigating the intimacy.

Suddenly its all one sided.. I'm just saying its difficult to judge if the other person doesn't like intimacy as much... Or they are projecting low IL.

I also enjoy intimacy.. Especially kissing.. When watching a movie cuddling up is good too

 

[soulforge]

Where did you meet this sloot?

Haha online... Where most of the sloots are.

 

[sazc]

Haha online... Where most of the sloots are.

LMAO

 

[sazc]

I get what you say sazc... But what happens when only ONE of you is instigating the intimacy.

Suddenly its all one sided.. I'm just saying its difficult to judge if the other person doesn't like intimacy as much... Or they are projecting low IL.

I also enjoy intimacy.. Especially kissing.. When watching a movie cuddling up is good too

In my case, I asked what was up.

In general, if the other person expresses that they do have the feels, then you are supposed to tell them what you need from them to know they have the feels.

As another example, my ex one day blew up at me yelling "you never initiate sex!" He went on to explain via yelling that he took that as a sign that I want into him/turned on by him, etc. I was pretty floored considering that I felt like I was always a willing and eager participant. Whenever we hit the sheets we would just start to go at it - I thought that was enough for him. He needed more. He needed me to show him that I desired him in the way that HE felt was valuable.

We all attempt to fulfill the other person's needs based off our own ideals. We tend to forget that the other person is a wholly separate person whom is unlike us. It's NOT up to us to be telepathic when it comes to our partners. It's up to us to express what WE need and our partners to express what they need. We're supposed to respond to what they Express.

In your situation, if you need displays of affection, even certain ones, you work that in and express it.

Thing is, that's not wholly alpha to do, so you gotta do it sideways so she doesn't think you're weak. Like "I loved it when my last GF yadda yadda yadda" unless you have the tenacity to be direct and see what happens. Maybe the idea of being direct is leading with your frame?