How Do I Get This Girl Out Of My Mind?

[Robert28]

I’ll give you another bit of advice. DO NOT HANGOUT WITH HER. I was secretly seeing my ex and going against all the rules on here and every time we’d hangout I’d get caught up in it. When we weren’t hanging out I had a different mindset and when I was on my way to pick her up to hangout I’d tell myself “this is the last time, no more. I’ve got to stop seeing her, I’m gonna tell her tonight”. Then we’d end up spending 4 hours together and I’d forgotten everything I was going to tell her to break it off completely and cut all contact. Hell we ended up making other plans so that “last time” turned into another meeting in a few days. I don’t know if she realized she was pulling me back but I could feel it. I didn’t act beta and beg her back but I did act like I was having fun and enjoying her company because truth was, I was. I’d go out with other girls and there was just nothing there. So “having more women” doesn’t always work because I had that, but when my ex said let’s hangout or go on a day trip, I’d cancel plans with other women to do so cause I know I’d get that rush of feelings I wanted and be on top of the world. Then I’d crash for the next few days cause I knew this wasn’t healthy and I had to get away from her, but then she’d reach out again and I was right back where I started. She WAS the cocaine and I WAS addicted. Still am but what changed for me was she threw the “I want to be friends” line to me and that sealed the deal cause I knew we’d never get back together. Had she never said that I’d have been doing this weird roller coaster for as long as she wanted.

 

[soulforge]

You were way too emotionally invested in a woman you shouldn't have been or else you'd see the situation for what it was and still be banging her, not for what you wanted it to be.

This is a fair point... However it all depends on you as a person... Some dudes can endlessly keep banging a chick and feel ZERO emotions no matter how hot she is..

Some of us keep banging, but at some point end up developing feels if she triggers something MORE than just sex in you.

Maybe she is cute, or makes you laugh or you realise that you enjoy her company..

COUNTLESS relationships start from fuk buddy, and end up eventually as a LTR.

 

[DariusTheBartender]

The writing was not on the wall here, it was the international symbol for nuclear radiation.... however, yeah we have all been there. Part of me wonders if it's the male urge in us to fix sh-t that makes us date these red flag women in hopes we can be the savior/capt save-a-hoe. Focus on yourself now as the other posts said.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

Wow I didn't think I would feel this way if things came to an abrupt end... However I am feeling like shyte right now bros.

As your aware I ended things with her over the weekend.

We was seeing each other for around 4 months.

She was a fun person to be around, the sex was amazing and her figure was beautiful.

But the RED FLAGS just kept eating away at me.

Then the incident with me calling her up, and her not taking the call, created further doubts in my mind in regards to how she handles conflict, setting doubts in my mind about a LTR with her.

Why do I feel like a junkie whose had his Crack taken off him?

Deep inside I know things would have turned to shyte long term.. So shouldn't I be feeling relieved instead of saddened?

Is it just shallowness on my part because she was super sexy? I liked her character too, she seemed like a nice enough person, I enjoyed her company.

Some things I could have also handled better with her.. but now I am kicking myself for letting my guard down and going exclusive with her so soon.

She even talked about me moving in with her, meeting her family etc. Got totally sucked into this idea of getting serious with her.

Consider the red flags though.

01.Was abused as a child from the age of 6 upwards.

02.Has self harmed herself at some point.

03.Has worked as a semi nude dancer in bars and clubs.

04.Has done nude modelling, bondage modelling & probably some porn.

05.The guy she did nude modelling for, the photographer stops at her house with her, every other month...

He looks old and ugly, probably in his 60s, but she claims they have never had sex, and wants me to be okay with the situation or for me to be present everytime he comes over.

How can this situation be strictly platonic, when he has photographed or filmed her private parts?

06.She uses cocaine occasionally and has a friend who is addicted to cocaine, that she lends money to.. Financially irresponsible!

07.She has many male friends, and talks about them very often.

08.She has taken part in a 3sum and foursome in the past.

09.She has had a 6 year Lesbian relationship too.

10.She admits to having intamicy issues, due to her history.

11.She makes little effort to text..Usually only hear from her once a day, for a few minutes. The communication between us, was rather brief and regimented.

I have a feeling she will contact me at some point.. I hope to be strong enough to just ignore and move on with shyte.

You cannot turn a hoe into a house wife...

Doesn't that say it all?

 

[AureliusMaximus]

As you get a bit older, most guys (not all) will start to realize that the driving force in their life should NOT be the approval and acceptance from some woman.

I fully agree...
Never seek female approval, but seek for excellence and the approval of only yourself and thus the full potential of the man you are destined to become, (If you work on yourself that is).

 

[soulforge]

The writing was not on the wall here, it was the international symbol for nuclear radiation.... however, yeah we have all been there. Part of me wonders if it's the male urge in us to fix sh-t that makes us date these red flag women in hopes we can be the savior/capt save-a-hoe. Focus on yourself now as the other posts said.

Thanks man.. Something I need to point out is, the nude dancing, modelling and maybe porn, is something she did around 10 years ago... According to her.

This is why I decided not to judge her by her past... But again it makes not much difference, a red flag is still a red flag even from years ago!

 

[Robert28]

Thanks man.. Something I need to point out is, the nude dancing, modelling and maybe porn, is something she did around 10 years ago... According to her.

This is why I decided not to judge her by her past... But again it makes not much difference, a red flag is still a red flag even from years ago!

My hangup with my ex wasn’t her past, but who she kept hanging around FROM her past. She always kept around ****ty people because I guess that’s all she knew.

 

[Robert28]

You cannot turn a hoe into a house wife...

Doesn't that say it all?

The problem is the available women out there are majority hoes.lol

 

[soulforge]

OP, We've all been where you are, including me.

Some advice:

Until you kill the neediness and co-dependency you'll keep ending up with women like this. You see yourself as a lower-quality man, hence, even at the subconscious level, you continue to stay with (very) low quality women. How do I know this? Because you were considering giving this girl your treasure which is your time and commitment just to be with her, even long-term, considering/despite all the red flags. That's quite a toxic list.

You appear to be someone who values honesty and a healthy lifestyle, so why would you waste time with a low quality woman like that? Answer: If you feel lonely and needy and are driven by impulses about the sex and looks without having long-term perspective about what it would be like in a LTR with this woman.

Good for you for dumping her. Seriously. She's trash. You'll realize this once the clouds part but I fear she'll lure you back in with some tears and sex because they're powerful weapons for 98% of all guys out there.

As you get a bit older, most guys (not all) will start to realize that the driving force in their life should NOT be the approval and acceptance from some woman. Sadly, for many ,men, this is their life's goal: to be accepted and loved by a woman. Why? Low self esteem, low self value, co-dependency, fear, and neediness. Great qualities, huh? Yeah, these guys are a great catch. Ironically, some of these guys have money so women recruit them as the Beta Male Provider--and the man loves it. I just cannot in a million years get my arms around that line of thinking but we see these guys all the time in society.

I've learned to see women as a very small side dish on a huge plate of food. I've gotten MUCH more selective of who I give my time and attention to (my treasure) because I don't want or have time for BS. I've dumped a number of HB8-9s in the past few years because of the toxic behavior they displayed. I'm a very high value man and know it. I don't NEED a woman, I choose to spend my time with them. The ones I've learned to select have a healthy lifestyle, solid personality, and don't have the toxic laundry list you mentioned.

TLDR: Kill your neediness and co-dependency and seek out and date ONLY high-quality women.

Good luck.

~Dash

Thanks Bruv.

I think it was more her beauty and the crazy dirty lusty sex that over came my senses!

I didn't want the ride to end, so I somehow convinced myself that the red flags are not all that bad.

I also convinced myself, that most of this stuff other than the fukin pornographer guy stopping over at hers, was in the PAST

I guess these where excuses I made to keep banging and maybe get into a LTR with her.

However instinctively I didn't feel good about the whole situation.. Something felt wrong and deep inside I didn't trust her.

The time she pulled away from me, when we had that little tif over the phone call, it made me realise, that this girl will make ZERO effort to resolve conflict like an adult.

She pulled back, which was an early sign of thing's going wrong... Again another contributer to me wanting to dump her.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

This is why I decided not to judge her by her past... But again it makes not much difference, a red flag is still a red flag even from years ago!

Most people never change their ways,it very rare that it ever happens; so a red flag 10 years ago is still a very red flag 10 years later bruv.

Somethings newer change...

 

[flowtheory]

Breaks ups are difficult. You’re feeling this now. You feel like you’ve lost something. Hope, possibility, determination, faith. And now it’s been replaced with others.
You broke it off. There’s parts of you that are still attached to the vision of you two happily together romancing each other in your mind. You severed that. The subtle longing is spread throughout each of your posts; the remnants of sporadic sweetness; the questioning of self to ensure you did what was right. As you stated:

The dumper can experience equal or even more pain than the dumpee

Objectively reading this situation, it’s clear you made the correct move. You two are not a match. Your values are not in alignment. And you know this. You accepted her for reasons of lack within yourself. You attempted to force what could never be. But in the now you are going to be revealed facts about yourself, should you choose to look.

There were red flags galore; but that’s her life, her journey in to self exploration and finding what she needs based on her tumultuous history.

Why did you seek to align yourself with an individual who had flaming red hot flags? (Take her looks and sexy away)

What inside you is lacking that you felt she had an emotional stronghold over you, so much so you would abandon your own values and principles?

Why did you wish her to change, rather than walk away?

Why did you seek validation extrinsically?

Your pain is in the revealed facts that you lost something outside of you. This is where you suffer; you feel you lost. You lost your way to someone else, and now you’re left with a tattered version of your own broken values, principles and frame; like returning to a home after a hurricane. Time to rebuild.
Things amalgamated the way they are now because you operated from scaricty and lack. You sought value from outside of you; taking..

Why do I feel like a junkie whose had his Crack taken off him?

Because you were taking from her. Not giving. You were lacking, rather than abundant.

Now is the time to build your home in abundance. This current climate and situation is the sign for you to really understand self-value, self-respect, abundance, and frame; turn in to a nascent direction. I hope you accept the challenge, rather than brush it off and pound the keyboard in to oblivion about how she had red flags and continue to look outwards at why it became this way.
The second one looks deep within and takes full responsibly for the collapse or misfortunes, is the second one is free from lack, as you will be revealed you’re the only controller of how you actually feel and think. And in turn what you give to self and others.
Step in to your world, and out of hers. There you have no sovereignty.

 

[soulforge]

Most people never change their ways,it very rare that it ever happens; so a red flag 10 years ago is still a very red flag 10 years later bruv.

Somethings newer change...

Well the risk of her going back to the old lifestyle is still there.

The old guy who essentially was her business partner and pornographer is still in the picture..

He stops at her house with her every other month.. She swears they have never had sex and just good friends.

However he has taken pictures of her body naked and probably even filmed her...

How can that be purley platonic?

What if one day, she ended with serious money problems or her cocaine intake went out of control.

Who is to say this old man won't convince her to start nude modelling again or start doing porn.

That is a real risk.

 

[soulforge]

Breaks ups are difficult. You’re feeling this now. You feel like you’ve lost something. Hope, possibility, determination, faith. And now it’s been replaced with others.
You broke it off. There’s parts of you that are still attached to the vision of you two happily together romancing each other in your mind. You severed that. The subtle longing is spread throughout each of your posts; the remnants of sporadic sweetness; the questioning of self to ensure you did what was right. As you stated:


Objectively reading this situation, it’s clear you made the correct move. You two are not a match. Your values are not in alignment. And you know this. You accepted her for reasons of lack within yourself. You attempted to force what could never be. But in the now you are going to be revealed facts about yourself, should you choose to look.

There were red flags galore; but that’s her life, her journey in to self exploration and finding what she needs based on her tumultuous history.

Why did you seek to align yourself with an individual who had flaming red hot flags? (Take her looks and sexy away)

What inside you is lacking that you felt she had an emotional stronghold over you, so much so you would abandon your own values and principles?

Why did you wish her to change, rather than walk away?

Why did you seek validation extrinsically?

Your pain is in the revealed facts that you lost something outside of you. This is where you suffer; you feel you lost. You lost your way to someone else, and now you’re left with a tattered version of your own broken values, principles and frame; like returning to a home after a hurricane. Time to rebuild.
Things amalgamated the way they are now because you operated from scaricty and lack. You sought value from outside of you; taking..

Because you were taking from her. Not giving. You were lacking, rather than abundant.

Now is the time to build your home in abundance. This current climate and situation is the sign for you to really understand self-value, self-respect, abundance, and frame; turn in to a nascent direction. I hope you accept the challenge, rather than brush it off and pound the keyboard in to oblivion about how she had red flags and continue to look outwards at why it became this way.
The second one looks deep within and takes full responsibly for the collapse or misfortunes, is the second one is free from lack, as you will be revealed you’re the only controller of how you actually feel and think. And in turn what you give to self and others.
Step in to your world, and out of hers. There you have no sovereignty.

This is great... And you are right.

I lowered my own principles and values for the sake of some nice piece of azz.

If I was true to my values, I would have smashed only and NEVER have considered her for a LTR.

I didn't even have the foresight to consider how it would ACTUALLY be like to have a healthy long term relationship with her.

All I thought about was a hot chick on my arm, and the crazy sex we was having.

To some degree I was naive, almost believing that her past is in the past, and she is a different person now.

I should be setting my values much higher.. And as many have told me before, my TREASURE is my time and commitment, which should only be given to the WORTHY

 

[AureliusMaximus]

Well the risk of her going back to the old lifestyle is still there.

The old guy who essentially was her business partner and pornographer is still in the picture..

He stops at her house with her every other month.. She swears they have never had sex and just good friends.

However he has taken pictures of her body naked and probably even filmed her...

How can that be purley platonic?

What if one day, she ended with serious money problems or her cocaine intake went out of control.

Who is to say this old man won't convince her to start nude modelling again or start doing porn.

That is a real risk.

Dude, she never left it and is still facking her pornographer while you think she's into you.. And she got loser drug addict friends too.
She prolly takes a line or two now and then when you are not around.

Dump her fast and get her out of your life and your head brah..

 

[flowtheory]

All I thought about was a hot chick on my arm, and the crazy sex we was having.

acceptance and validation from others. Your paradigm needs investigation. Where you operate from. In this scenerio you operated from a lacking ego, not from your true source.

And as many have told me before, my TREASURE is my time and commitment, which should only be given to the WORTHY

You are the treasure; your presence and fortified sense of self. Your time and attention which translates to momentary commitment is the vessel.
If the treasure isn’t within, your time and attention isn’t of high value.

 

[sazc]

@soulforge the current drug use would have had me walking immediately, no questions. The rest of the red flag list is valid as well.

This is why I don't sleep with them till I screen them moderately well (and that isn't foolproof when you consider ppl wear masks of who they think you want them to be). If I slept with them quickly, I'd get attached like you did.

You'll be okay, give it time

 

[17 shots]

You're attracted to hos, but you don't want to share them

Life's gonna be hard for you man

 

[soulforge]

Dude, she never left it and is still facking her pornographer while you think she's into you.. And she got loser drug addict friends too.
She prolly takes a line or two now and then when you are not around.

Dump her fast and get her out of your life and your head brah..

I have already dumped her my brother.. With this kinda shyte going on, its near IMPOSSIBLE to trust her.

I honestly don't believe anything is going on between them both, as she wanted me to meet him... However the whole set up is just WRONG

 

[soulforge]

Why is it, that some people say, Cocaine use these days is no big deal, and is common practice, even amongst girls??

 

[AureliusMaximus]

Why is it, that some people say, Cocaine use these days is no big deal, and is common practice, even amongst girls??

Because they are low life losers?