One on one

[Brooks]

And it is you as a man who must step up and take the leadership role in a relationship.

Does this mean I should be the one who is always planning the hangouts/dates?

 

[highSpeed]

Hey guys.

So I have a situation. Recently I posted about my girlfriend and I having an almost break up. Came real close. I had started acting needy during the relationship, lost my power, and overly emotional.
Since we had a fight two and a bit weeks ago, I’ve adjusted my behaviour MASSIVELY. So much so my girlfriend has mentioned it on multiple occasions. She’s taken aback. Or relationship is much lighter and more free. But as we know when we adjust behaviour in a major way, we get... tested. She’s been sh!t testing me a lot. I’ve passed all; this I can tell.

But here’s another test which I believe I’m in. Before when we first started dating she had friendzoned some guys who we shall refer to as ‘beta orbiters’. She continually assured me they were just friends and no interest. But at the time I was jealous and possessive. I do believe her now.
There’s this one guy though, who just has not stopped pursuing her: inviting her to BBQs, to festivals, drinks, etc etc.
I read her texts during a fit of compulsion a while back and it’s classic orbiter.. him suggesting hangouts, her saying ‘yea that could work’ and then her bailing last minute or the day of.

Recently he invited her to a BBQ, she said she would see (this is when we just about broke), then last second she said she was busy (she was with me when things bang to look up) so then he said he would reach out when he got back from wherever in a week. That was this Sunday. Monday he messages and invites her to go to see some jazz.. she says maybe, and thinks coffee is better.

Last night comes around and she tells me she’s going to see him for a coffee, but she is also communicating that she’s not really looking forward to it, even earlier last week said he’s kind of a nuisance and doesn’t know how to take the covert hint. Asked me my thoughts on it all.. I told her ‘you how to handle it best’

So today they are going for a coffee. No jazz. She told me this last night in person..
Her:“So I’m seeing Brian tomorrow.. blah blah”
Me: “what are you guys gonna do?”
Her: “just meet up for a coffee when he’s done work. He asked me to go to jazz.. but I’m not doing that with him.. so coffee.. if I even decide to fully commit”
Me: kept doing what I was doing, no response.
—subject change—

Before in the start of us dating I would overtly show my discontent and jealousies with her going one on ones with guys who are just ‘friends’ (but guys who once pursued her who she friendzoned quickly, even if they had just one kiss), to which she would use that as a sign that I was being jealous and possessive.

I do trust her, mostly. But this effing guy CLEARLY likes her and she OBVIOUSLY knows this. She just thinks he’s ‘a nice guy and he’s harmless’. But we all know men.. they are always trying...

And so anytime she’s told me about him recently since after our fight and my behaviour shift, I’ve been totally non reactive. And I think this has taken away some of her power in the manipulation zone in holding this guy around.

But there’s a part of me that thinks wtf is the point!!

Thoughts?
I am a little jealous and insecure about this still.

f*ckin hell, she's going out one-on-one with another dude and you're seriously not breaking up with her? You know that guy wants to f*ck her right? Alcohol, music, good vibes, she's p*ssed at you one night, jumps on his d*ck and you have no idea. She smiles the next day, kisses you on the lips after she swallowed his load last night. You good with that? Almost broke up, smh.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

How would you suggest to get her more invested? Should I just pursue less? Plan less dates? Let her take the reigns a bit more?

You've already told her you don't like her seeing this guy. She continues seeing him. You judge people based on their actions not their words. Her words say one thing but her actions say another: she continues to see him. This should produce a corresponding action on your part which is to pull back, be less available, and start talking to other women. You can't force her to do anything but if she doesn't do what you want, then you begin to move the other way. If you move away and she keeps seeing other guys then she is telling you something very clear, and you should react by further distancing yourself from her. If she comes back around then that's a good sign and you can move back toward her by setting more dates and being more available.

 

[Brooks]

f*ckin hell, she's going out one-on-one with another dude and you're seriously not breaking up with her?

Well that would be very controlling if I told her she couldn’t meet up with anyone who is a guy. There has to be some level of trust.

Now if she said she thought he was attractive, that’s a different story. I know he has interest in her.. this I know, and that’s the concerning part of it all. She knows he would get with her at the drop of a hat, and yet she continues to entertain and keep him around. Damn women and their orbiters. But once again she could be using him to see how I react.

she's p*ssed at you one night, jumps on his d*ck and you have no idea. She smiles the next day, kisses you on the lips after she swallowed his load last night.

This could happen to literally anyone at any point though.

Almost broke up, smh.

Why hate? We almost broke, but didn’t.

 

[Brooks]

You've already told her you don't like her seeing this guy. She continues seeing him.

Yea that’s true. I don’t know why she’s doing this. I really do think it’s to see if I’m going to get emotional like I did before and be affected. So it’s her testing my strength in a way. Which is a positive for me to, because I have to learn how to be unaffected by things in a relationship.
If it was a consistent thing of one on ones then I would probably object or throw a serious flag.

You judge people based on their actions not their words. Her words say one thing but her actions say another: she continues to see him.

Well they hadn’t seen each other for a few months. He had tried setting something up before.. but she didn’t want to go. She told me about it. So her going this time almost indicates to me sh is testing to see if I will actually trust her like I told her I would.
I also am not even certain she met up. She did indicate she may bail last second again.

This should produce a corresponding action on your part which is to pull back, be less available, and start talking to other women.

I will wait for her to reach out to me today or tomorrow, or whenever. But I will hold off on talking to other women until I know more concrete facts.

Her little meeting with the guy was yesterday at 5:30. She never texted me last night or hasn’t yet today. This is slightly concerning too.
So I guess it’s up to her to reach out to me at this point. And when she does I’ll then set up a plan to see her. Otherwise me reaching out will seem like I’m chasing out of need or seeking her validation because she knows I know about their meeting. What do you think?
Or will me not reaching out make it seem like I’m butthurt or letting their meeting have an effect me?

 

[oldmanofthesea]

What do you think?
Or will me not reaching out make it seem like I’m butthurt or letting their meeting have an effect me?

People often worry that silence and distance will come off as being butt-hurt but if properly applied, it won't. And stop worrying so much about how she will interpret your actions! You are acting out of fear when you do that.

I would wait for her to reach out to you next. If she doesn't then what does that tell you? If she reaches out, don't bring up her meeting with the guy. If she brings it up, change the subject.

It's simple: She does what you like, you move toward her. She does what you don't like, and you've told her you don't like it before, you move away from her. That's it. And you must be prepared to keep moving away until the relationship ends, if she is proving she isn't worthy of being in a relationship with you. If you aren't prepared to do this, it's going to happen anyway only it will be by her hand instead of yours which will make it 10x harder on you.

 

[Brooks]

Good advice^!

People often worry that silence and distance will come off as being butt-hurt but if properly applied, it won't.

How would it be properly applied vs I unproperly applied

 

[Brooks]

I would wait for her to reach out to you next. If she doesn't then what does that tell you?

That she assumes I’ll come to her.
Or that she is questioning things between me and her based on having seen another dude.....

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Is this supposed to be your woman? If you dont like it break up or you can start doing it back to her.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

How would it be properly applied vs I unproperly applied

Proper: By ensuring you've communicated to her what you don't like before you apply the S&D (which you already have), and by not acting emotional when and if she contacts you after employing S&D. It needs to be very flat and unemotional. Every action has a reaction. Think about it. It's not rocket science. Someone continues doing something you don't like after they know you don't like it. What are your options? You can't control them. So you either accept it (not a great idea), or you begin moving on.

 

[In2theGame]

f*ckin hell, she's going out one-on-one with another dude and you're seriously not breaking up with her? You know that guy wants to f*ck her right? Alcohol, music, good vibes, she's p*ssed at you one night, jumps on his d*ck and you have no idea. She smiles the next day, kisses you on the lips after she swallowed his load last night. You good with that? Almost broke up, smh.

Nah, He's just a friend without any ill intentions and not trying to fvck his girlfriend......... ::Sarcasm:: He's definitely trying to fvck her. lol

 

[In2theGame]

Now if she said she thought he was attractive, that’s a different story. I know he has interest in her.. this I know, and that’s the concerning part of it all. She knows he would get with her at the drop of a hat, and yet she continues to entertain and keep him around. Damn women and their orbiters.

Read this again and tell me, Honestly, what does this say about your girlfriend and this guy? He is 100% trying to fvck your girlfriend, she knows this and yet wants to keep him around knowing it bothers you?.... Not good. From a Woman's "nature" perspective, sure she may like keeping him around for validation and seeking attention however its a slippery slope and potential for a lot of problems down the line. Overall, It doesn't seem like she respects you that much.

 

[Glassguy]

Op is a cuck.

1.) you have a GF who is meeting up with another dude who clearly wants to bang her. You dont see a problem with that?

2.) She NEVER submitted to you in the first place. Any woman that was submissive to her man would respond back to orbiters with "I am happily involved with someone and not interested. Anything beyond that, and even entertaining another dude's offer is instantly me walking away. And she is MEETING the dude?

I dont care if she is meeting him for a drink, jazz music or to do a coloring book together. HER INTENT SHOULD BE TO KEEP YOU HAPPY. IF NOT, TELL HER TO GO KICK ROCKS.

3.) You say that you have

I’ve adjusted my behaviour MASSIVELY

No you havent. This chick is now going on DATES with other dudes and you just sit there and pound your keyboard asking us for advice.

Here is my advice- when she gets back from the coffee date and tells you how bad it was, tell her "thats too bad. I dont have exclusive relationships with people who go out with others. Take care".

You need to do some serious work to your frame, mindset and what standards you have for yourself. Until you do that, nothing will change except the name of the chick that is taking advantage of you.

 

[Glassguy]

Hey guys.

So I have a situation. Recently I posted about my girlfriend and I having an almost break up. Came real close. I had started acting needy during the relationship, lost my power, and overly emotional.
Since we had a fight two and a bit weeks ago, I’ve adjusted my behaviour MASSIVELY. So much so my girlfriend has mentioned it on multiple occasions. She’s taken aback. Or relationship is much lighter and more free. But as we know when we adjust behaviour in a major way, we get... tested. She’s been sh!t testing me a lot. I’ve passed all; this I can tell.

But here’s another test which I believe I’m in. Before when we first started dating she had friendzoned some guys who we shall refer to as ‘beta orbiters’. She continually assured me they were just friends and no interest. But at the time I was jealous and possessive. I do believe her now.
There’s this one guy though, who just has not stopped pursuing her: inviting her to BBQs, to festivals, drinks, etc etc.
I read her texts during a fit of compulsion a while back and it’s classic orbiter.. him suggesting hangouts, her saying ‘yea that could work’ and then her bailing last minute or the day of.

Recently he invited her to a BBQ, she said she would see (this is when we just about broke), then last second she said she was busy (she was with me when things bang to look up) so then he said he would reach out when he got back from wherever in a week. That was this Sunday. Monday he messages and invites her to go to see some jazz.. she says maybe, and thinks coffee is better.

Last night comes around and she tells me she’s going to see him for a coffee, but she is also communicating that she’s not really looking forward to it, even earlier last week said he’s kind of a nuisance and doesn’t know how to take the covert hint. Asked me my thoughts on it all.. I told her ‘you how to handle it best’

So today they are going for a coffee. No jazz. She told me this last night in person..
Her:“So I’m seeing Brian tomorrow.. blah blah”
Me: “what are you guys gonna do?”
Her: “just meet up for a coffee when he’s done work. He asked me to go to jazz.. but I’m not doing that with him.. so coffee.. if I even decide to fully commit”
Me: kept doing what I was doing, no response.
—subject change—

Before in the start of us dating I would overtly show my discontent and jealousies with her going one on ones with guys who are just ‘friends’ (but guys who once pursued her who she friendzoned quickly, even if they had just one kiss), to which she would use that as a sign that I was being jealous and possessive.

I do trust her, mostly. But this effing guy CLEARLY likes her and she OBVIOUSLY knows this. She just thinks he’s ‘a nice guy and he’s harmless’. But we all know men.. they are always trying...

And so anytime she’s told me about him recently since after our fight and my behaviour shift, I’ve been totally non reactive. And I think this has taken away some of her power in the manipulation zone in holding this guy around.

But there’s a part of me that thinks wtf is the point!!

Thoughts?
I am a little jealous and insecure about this still.

No dignity or respect for yourself.

Thats the first ingredient in the formula for being great with women, rotations, abundance mindset, etc.

No help will be useful until you fix that major issue.

 

[highSpeed]

Well that would be very controlling if I told her she couldn’t meet up with anyone who is a guy. There has to be some level of trust.

Now if she said she thought he was attractive, that’s a different story. I know he has interest in her.. this I know, and that’s the concerning part of it all. She knows he would get with her at the drop of a hat, and yet she continues to entertain and keep him around. Damn women and their orbiters. But once again she could be using him to see how I react.


This could happen to literally anyone at any point though.


Why hate? We almost broke, but didn’t.

It's one thing if the get together is a work thing, it's another thing entirely if she's essentially going on a "friendly" date with another guy. Attraction builds man, she should respect your relationship enough that she doesn't want to put herself in a position where there is the implication of some sort of stuff going on and/or that there might be attraction that might be being built that might lead to some stuff going on.

Yes, that could go on at any time but this is kind of encouraging that to happen. I don't see any good coming from it. You allow it this time, it's going to become a regular thing, count on it. You want your LTR/fiance/wife regularly hanging out with other guys, hey, you do you.

 

[Brooks]

No you havent. This chick is now going on DATES with other dudes and you just sit there and pound your keyboard asking us for advice.

Here is my advice- when she gets back from the coffee date and tells you how bad it was, tell her "thats too bad. I dont have exclusive relationships with people who go out with others. Take care".

You need to do some serious work to your frame, mindset and what standards you have for yourself. Until you do that, nothing will change except the name of the chick that is taking advantage of you.

I have been working on my behaviour and it has adjusted greatly in the last two weeks. My emotional control is way better than it was and it’s reaping positive effects.

Everything you’ve stated above is true.

We had a talk the day we almost broke up about one on ones with members of the opposite sex. We said we would allow it, because there has to be trust. And it’s more about trusting the partner, than the other individual. Ripping her a new one because she wants to spend HER time with someone else isn’t the way to go.

I agree with the ‘if she was happy with me completely she would shut it down’ statement. But the fact is we just about broke up two weeks ago, and one night before this coffee meeting she still expressed emotional hurt over me when I lost my cool which has caused this mess; at least some.

So now she’s testing like a Mofo and I’m simply trying to figure it out. My frame needs to be rebeuilt and I’m in the process of doing that. It takes time. Can’t just INSTANTLY change. She has even said she feels like she’s dealing with a completely different person lately.

But lashing out again and saying KICK ROCKS at this point in time would go right back to my original behaviour which made her on edge inthe first place. And if I did that it would look like I was jealous - at this given time. I have to give her this space and show I can trust. But if she continues to do it, then I assert my boundaries. But before I never had them.

 

[Glassguy]

1990- we have to tell guys to be a little emotionally available with their women so they arent hard @sses all the time.

2019- we literally have to tell guys that it is not ok for their GFs to go out with other dudes.

 

[Brooks]

You allow it this time, it's going to become a regular thing, count on it. You want your LTR/fiance/wife regularly hanging out with other guys, hey, you do you.

I allowed it this time. But not again I won’t. I simply state ‘no you and him hanging out makes me uncomfortable and I’m not going to subject myself to that. Just like you wouldn’t if the show was on the other foot’.

 

[Glassguy]

Everything you’ve stated above is true.

It normally is. I am great with women.

We had a talk the day we almost broke up

Talking doesnt mean shyte. Its all about action

We said we would allow it, because there has to be trust.

Allowing your gf to see other people builds trust? Thats fvcked thinking dude.

Ripping her a new one because she wants to spend HER time with someone else isn’t the way to go.

I didnt suggest ripping her at all. Not the way I would handle it.

She WANTS to spend time with another dic. She WANTS to do that. You DONT want her too. Sounds like you two are really on the same page after that "talk" (enter sarcasm here).

Glassguy would have already walked away. Cucks stick around to kiss that c*m dumpster mouth of hers after she sucks off the new guy.

Think about that.

So now she’s testing like a Mofo and I’m simply trying to figure it out

She isnt testing. She is dating other dudes, sucking other dudes, fvcking other dudes and you allow it. She knows that you will be there waiting like a puppy when she gets back from getting railed.

If she will tell you about this, think of what she DOESNT tell you about.

I guarantee you this: If you talked to her later and said you buried your bone in a new girls @ss, she would drop your @ss like a box of rocks.

Right now she gets to have her cake and eat it too. I hope you enjoy crumbs because you are the problem with men these days. No backbone and will put up with literally anything to satisfy your scarcity mindset.

Get a grip dude. If your best guy friend told you his girl was doing this, you would tell him that is normal behavior?

 

[Brooks]

Talking doesnt mean shyte. Its all about action

She was communicative to me about all of it though. There’s respect and consideration in that.

Allowing your gf to see other people builds trust? Thats fvcked thinking dude.

It’s abkut having space. Freedom of choice. Not feeling encumbered by your partner.

She WANTS to spend time with another dic. She WANTS to do that. You DONT want her too. Sounds like you two are really on the same page after that "talk" (enter sarcasm here).

But I could do the same thing if I wanted too. I went to coffee with a girl twice in the past..

Cucks stick around to kiss that c*m dumpster mouth of hers after she sucks off the new guy.

Think about that.

Coffee means *******s now?

She isnt testing. She is dating other dudes, sucking other dudes, fvcking other dudes and you allow it. She knows that you will be there waiting like a puppy when she gets back from getting railed.

Jesus. This is sick thinking. She may have went for a coffee (or she may have not) we still don’t know).
I don’t get how you’re escalating from coffee to sex. And she really isn’t the type to ever cheat; this is wholeheartedly know based on her childhood experience.

If she will tell you about this, think of what she DOESNT tell you about.

She really does tell me everything. And sometimes it’s really not good stuff.

guarantee you this: If you talked to her later and said you buried your bone in a new girls @ss, she would drop your @ss like a box of rocks.

And if she told me the same, I would drop her like a box of rocks. A coffee meeting and cheating are two different things

No backbone and will put up with literally anything to satisfy your scarcity mindset.

No backbone just because I’m trying to give my partner space and freedom?
So if a woman doesn’t do what a man says she’s history?
That’s respect?

Get a grip dude. If your best guy friend told you his girl was doing this, you would tell him that is normal behavior?

I would tell him it’s probably her testing him giventhe circumstances of their relationship. But I would say keep a close eye. ****.. maybe even read her texts to know exactly what the situation is. And if it’s unpleasant... bail out or keep your options open to new tail