I obsess over my lack of experience and it needs to stop.

[TheAndroid]

How can I stop focusing on my insecurities?

 

[Spaz]

Expand on ur insecurities.

Is it about ur looks?

The way you walk?

The way you eat?

When shaking hands?

 

[TheAndroid]

Expand on ur insecurities.

Is it about ur looks?

The way you walk?

The way you eat?

When shaking hands?

It’s the fact that I haven’t had much sex or dating in my life. I obsess over it. I feel like I’ve missed out. Especially in my 30’s. People keep saying that meeting people gets easier. That’s been a lie at every stage of life.

 

[Spaz]

It’s the fact that I haven’t had much sex or dating in my life. I obsess over it. I feel like I’ve missed out. Especially in my 30’s. People keep saying that meeting people gets easier. That’s been a lie at every stage of life.

You must be an intellectual then.

Do you find it awkward to talk in social settings or you feel that you're generally ignored ?

 

[TheAndroid]

You must be an intellectual then.

Do you find it awkward to talk in social settings or you feel that you're generally ignored ?

Yes generally pretty awkward when it comes to talking with people.

 

[Spaz]

Yes generally pretty awkward when it comes to talking with people.

@samspade and @zekko are 2 intellectuals in the forum that's has heightened social awareness.

They are best suited to advice you, try asking them, you'll find them helpful.

 

[redskinsfan92]

I find that I get more comfortable with types of interactions the more times I have those interactions. Talking to a worker at a store about a refund makes me confident in future similar situations, but not more confident at other interactions like talking to an attractive woman in line.

 

[marmel75]

Yes generally pretty awkward when it comes to talking with people.

Ok, then how do you expect your results to change if you aren't working towards changing this? What have you done to become better at this?

 

[TheAndroid]

Ok, then how do you expect your results to change if you aren't working towards changing this? What have you done to become better at this?

I’ve talked to more people, took an acting class and am doing neuroplasticity exercise with a therapist.

 

[RickTheToad]

I would agree with @stormrider. You need to slowly expand your social circle. Consider joining meetup groups and join them for getogethers and outings. Over time, it will be much easier for you as you adjust. You will need to push yourself at first, but it will help with your anxiety and such.

 

[TheAndroid]

Why do you think you need to be social to get girls? There's is something called high watted charisma and low watted charisma. Low watted charisma is like James bond. He doesn't say much but he creates sexual tension with women. Being charismatic doesn't mean the biggest social butterfly in the room.

Your personality doesn't become more social over time just because you are practicing being social. If you take 6 month break you will go back to being an introvert again. Like a rubber band that stretched unnaturally that went back to it's original shape. At most you would be desensitized to social pressure but the desire to be social would not be there. You would still be incongruent around women because now you are compensating by trying to act unnaturally social. How you feel and how you express yourself doesn't match. This is what alot or puas look like. They look like Frankenstein's attempt to become Chad. A conglomeration of a bunch of qualities they think women are attracted to.

If you practice escalating on women with your built in introverted personality, that's the one area where desensitization can benefit you.

When I first started learning game I didn't change my personality. I hated talking to women. I spent 10 years in loud night clubs just to avoid conversation. My only game was physical escalation. I was like a mute. Sexual tension was the only thing that got me out of bed. I had no interest conversing with dumb chicks in the clubs. I'd rather just interact with their animal side. And calibration was pretty easy. I noticed the more I lifted weights, the more chicks were receptive.

By the time I made it to social circles and social environments in broad day light I was like Bane. Darkness was my ally. I was born in it. Molded by it. I didn't see women in the light until I was already in my late twenties. And by then everything was obvious. Women live in underlying sexual tension. It's just that normal guys can't pick it up. And because I was used to escalating from 0 to 100 in 60 seconds, I had no problems seeing signs and windows from women. If anything they were more obvious in broad day light. It wasn't muted by loud music and distractions. Just the quiet anticipation of two people attracted to one another.

The game is mostly underlying and non verbal anyway. Work on your physical confidence by lifting weights. Work on sexual eye contact, closing the distance, and holding that tension with women. It's like 90% of all sexual/romantic interactions.

However I will add that in 2019, the number of women looking at me for validation has increased exponentially. Back in high school the only females that looked at me were the ones that felt that tension. Nowadays women look at me because they feel that I am a source of validation. I actually actively ignore these women only to get negged left and right. The game has changed the last 10-15 years in that a lot of women are empty vessels starving for validation nowadays. And they get angry when you don't play along.

I don’t have confidence and people can see that. I don’t get encouragement from friends or family to achieve anything. It’s nonstop “you should have done better.” This has eroded my confidence with women. I used to approach every woman I found attractive but because I didn’t have a lot of confidence or a six pack I just got told I was too fat.

 

[Kotaix]

I identify with what you're talking about, I have a very active mind with a tendency to overthink and overanalyze everything, and I've stood in my own way many times. Lately it's been getting a lot better, and that's come from a fundamental change of outlook on life. The problem isn't with the world, it's with you, you're partially disconnected with reality and that needs to stop.

Don't use your intellect to obsess over the hypothetical sh!t that only exists in your head, instead use it to observe the world and see it for what it is. See body language, see the intent in people's actions, look directly into people's eyes and see them for who they are. Engage with the world as much as you can and for the love of god get out of your own head.

No one is encouraging you? You have problems? No one cares. It's up to you to shape the world to your will, and no one else. You can either develop your own power or you can let yourself fade to dust like a loser. Women call you fat? then work out and get ripped, stop making excuses.

A lot of what you're talking about is mentioned in the book No More Mr Nice Guy. I suggest you read that cover to cover. Personally, I don't have the psychological abuse aspect that is covered in that book, but you do and I think you could benefit a lot from what it says and joining one of the groups he talks about. Audible has it narrated by the author, which I suggest.

Also, stick this in your mindhole and smoke it:

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Yes generally pretty awkward when it comes to talking with people.

Don't overthink it. Talking to people is a skill. All you need to do is practice.

Don't make the mistake of ONLY trying to talk to people you want to have sex with.

Talk to everyday, ordinary people about everyday, ordinary things.

Practicing is boring and takes plenty of time.

Most people don't want to practice anything and want only to find a secret shortcut to the high skill level.

So they end up wasting half their lives talking about how difficult it is when they should be practicing.

Social skill aren't any different.

 

[RangerMIke]

@stormrider is right. Don't try to be something you are not. If you are trying to be outgoing and this just isn't you, then at best you'll come off as creepy, and you won't be having any fun. Just try to be the best version of yourself that you can be. It certainly is easier to meet women if you are social and extroverted, but meeting women alone does not mean you will be successful, I know a few outgoing and social guys that have little success with women because they don't know how to close.

@Spaz also has good advice, talk to someone with your personality that does well and they would be the best to assist. Me: I'm an outgoing extrovert... any advice I would give you wouldn't help you much.

But if you want to be more outgoing, just do it. Find some events you are interested in and just start striking up conversations with people. Don't put any pressure on yourself, so at first just talk to people, forget tying to pickup chicks... in fact so that you take all pressure, just say to yourself that no matter what happens I'm not going to try anything accept just start a conversation going for a few minutes. Just get some practice. Join a Toastmaster's club and start practicing on giving public presentations, if you can take to a room full of people, then you can talk to one.

 

[Spaz]

@stormrider is right. Don't try to be something you are not. If you are trying to be outgoing and this just isn't you, then at best you'll come off as creepy, and you won't be having any fun. Just try to be the best version of yourself that you can be. It certainly is easier to meet women if you are social and extroverted, but meeting women alone does not mean you will be successful, I know a few outgoing and social guys that have little success with women because they don't know how to close.

@Spaz also has good advice, talk to someone with your personality that does well and they would be the best to assist. Me: I'm an outgoing extrovert... any advice I would give you wouldn't help you much.

But if you want to be more outgoing, just do it. Find some events you are interested in and just start striking up conversations with people. Don't put any pressure on yourself, so at first just talk to people, forget tying to pickup chicks... in fact so that you take all pressure, just say to yourself that no matter what happens I'm not going to try anything accept just start a conversation going for a few minutes. Just get some practice. Join a Toastmaster's club and start practicing on giving public presentations, if you can take to a room full of people, then you can talk to one.

@stormrider gave good advice that's only applicable to a socially quiet man but who is inherently born with a dominant personality, the doer aka James Bond, such a man is able to produce what he mentioned in his post.

However, OP is inherently passive and it wouldn't work for the same reasons he outlined.

As with you, since I am not of his personality, it will be assuming what's best for him based on my life experiences which is polar opposite of his and I'm not best suited for it.

Only an intellectual such as I mentioned in my previous post and/or even @taiyuu_otoko, another intellectual could properly advice him.

They have had 1st hand experiencing it growing up and how they went about navigating it is something that only an intellectual can properly explain to another.

 

[zekko]

It’s the fact that I haven’t had much sex or dating in my life. I obsess over it. I feel like I’ve missed out. Especially in my 30’s. People keep saying that meeting people gets easier. That’s been a lie at every stage of life.

When you're an introvert such as myself, it does get harder when you get older. Meaning if you've waited until your 30s to tackle your social problems, it's going to be more difficult to improve. Most people probably do this in their teens or grade school years, and I didn't really get rolling on it until my 20s. Those years have the benefit of more youthful energy, plus people of that age congregate into groups more naturally and enthusiastically.

So it is going to be difficult for you. But not impossible. There are guys here like @Atom Smasher who were tackling serious social difficulties in their 50s. If you want it, if you have the motivation, you can do it.

I'm thinking maybe since you haven't been that big into socializing, maybe you've built yourself up in other ways over the years? You probably have built up some skills or interests, maybe you can use those to your advantage.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

only an intellectual can properly explain to another.

You don't need to be an intellectual to learn how to talk to people.

You just need practice.

Logical thinking is NOT your friend when learning social skills.

Just get in the game and start playing. Fvck all the advice.

The best "lines" and "openers" will come from your own MEMORY.

So build some memories. The more the better.

The internet won't help you. Only real world experience will.

Get in the game. All learning requires an EQUAL amount of trial and error.

Get plenty of both. Now and forever.

 

[Trump]

It’s the fact that I haven’t had much sex or dating in my life. I obsess over it. I feel like I’ve missed out. Especially in my 30’s. People keep saying that meeting people gets easier. That’s been a lie at every stage of life.

You did miss out. 30s is the best time to have lots of sex with a lot of hot girls.

Just listen to the top players in here, they got hot 27 year old girls begging them to make them pregnant.

 

[backseatjuan]

How can you gain confidence if you haven't done something enough times? Confidence comes from doing sht over and over, that's how you become confident. So essentially you have a fear of doing something that's keeping you from doing it, and at the same time you blame yourself for not doing it. That is rather ridiculous. Best way to gain confidence in doing something you bad at is to look hot, it is one thing if an average looking fat or skinny dude fcks up, it's hilarious, it's something else if a hot dude fcks up, women admire it, they say he had balls, they say about ugly dudes they are weird. See the difference? Hit the gym.

 

[Mike32ct]

Actually, it’s a myth that introverts don’t like to talk.

1. We prefer to talk one on one.

2. Introverts (especially intellectual types) prefer to talk about something substantive and of interest to them, not really “small talk.”

So I would I leverage your natural strength #1. I try to do this whenever possible.

For #2, we have to just suck it up and deal with small talk because it makes others (especially extroverts) more comfortable around us. You can always try to steer the conversation into something deeper or more interesting later. But small talk is a must.