Best ways to move past a BPD / Gaslightee relationship?

[wolf]

It's all been said here as above but cut all ties. The first rule of first aid is to remove the hazard and you have done that.
I understand what you are going through. I was suicidal at one point for a few Months. I was just gonna do it but had some kind of spiritual intervention that allowed me to save myself.
Think of this person as anything but human. They appear human but are not. Also never say you love/loved her. It's not Love it's addiction. It may well mirror what you believed Love was a Child but this ain't Love.
Also get yourself into Therapy ASAP. They don't cause new wounds just reopen old ones.

It's a tough old road but you will gain huge insight and strength that you never thought possible. Spend a couple of years alone and build a relationship with yourself first. Attend to Any low self esteem issues and learn to love yourself.

Your Ego will be bruised and shattered. Most folks go to Therapy to repair the Ego and not deal with the painful stuff underneath.

It's been a few years and to be honest I really should keep away from all websites like this for a while. It's no good stiring the BPD pot every few Months. It only slows healing.
Do your research but draw a line when to stop reading about BPD and shared experiences as it overtakes your mind. Be good to yourself.

Most of us know what you have been through so by all means post here and your experience will Validated by most. Just know when to draw the line.

Check out my White Knight Chronicles Thread if you get a chance.

The White Knight Chronicles

One day you are walking along minding your own business and you stumble upon a woman that is carrying a sack on her back. You step closer and upon inspection see that she is carrying a sack full of bricks. You observe the discomfort that she is in and being a Man (White Knight) you feel that you...

www.sosuave.net

 

[Epic Days]

Check out my White Knight Chronicles Thread if you get a chance.

The White Knight Chronicles

One day you are walking along minding your own business and you stumble upon a woman that is carrying a sack on her back. You step closer and upon inspection see that she is carrying a sack full of bricks. You observe the discomfort that she is in and being a Man (White Knight) you feel that you...

www.sosuave.net

That's a pretty good post Wolf. But if that's a "Cluster B" or psycho chick, then there's nothing wrong with her. The problem is the man. If all the traits I've just read about are psycho women then these guys are so far out on their fantasy woman that it's like a cartoon exaggeration.

That's totally a man issue. LOL That's a pure "I want her to be like my mommy!!!" fantasy. Little do they know that mommy had her tramp days. Maybe even double stuffed a few times.

 

[Kotaix]

Guys, when you're with a woman, and you feel alarm bells going off in your head, listen to them!!!

I recently had an interesting experience with a Tinder chick in Chile. She was fvckin HOT, with a butt to die for, very engaging and way too good at tossing compliments when she didn't even know me. It was hard to get the little head to stop thinking about how great her butt was, but when I was able to take a cool view of it, I could see all the behaviors of excessive compliments and attention seeking as just a show.

The point of this story is that the spidey senses were tingling like mad with this chick even before I met up with her. Sure enough, she turned out to have a 2 year old kid she didn't really volunteer information about, and her "roommates" turned out to be her family. I don't think she was BPD, but she was definitely putting on an act trying to lock in a provider, and I wasn't seeing the real her. Everything I did was amazing and everything I said was genius. Great for my ego, not so great for my wallet had I continued a relationship with her I'm sure.

 

[stovepipe]

That's a pretty good post Wolf. But if that's a "Cluster B" or psycho chick, then there's nothing wrong with her. The problem is the man. If all the traits I've just read about are psycho women then these guys are so far out on their fantasy woman that it's like a cartoon exaggeration.

That's totally a man issue. LOL

A man issue? Nothing wrong with her? You're going full retard in this thread! These BPD or Narc threads like this are sensitive. Offer some humble advice or support. Instead you keep blaming the guy while sounding like a broken record using the words "feminine" and "pathetic". I've seen men kill themselves for having people like you talk to them the way you have in threads like this. Does that make them weak for doing so? Some may say yes, but this chit is on another level that members like you fail to acknowledge. These cluster B have taken down plenty of men who act all tough and seem to have women all figured out like you display here. Like you know everything about women. Maybe you cant be taken by one, who cares! Most people in the world have no clue they make humans like them till after the fact.

It is not his fault for falling into her toxic web, plan and simple! He was conned. No different then any other con artist. You may have control and not be deceived like he was, but that is not an excuse to spout off some cold hard bs making him feel guilty. Even though most in the world heard the term BPD or Narcissist, they will NEVER truly know what they are until they have experienced it for themselves. I have seen men and women completely brainwashed at the hands of these types. They become a completely different human that has been programmed by evil. I've witnessed a good friend of mine change into a person that looked like she had a spell cast on her.

What I'm saying sounds so utterly unbelievable and laughable. If I didn't spend years of my life helping others from Cluster B relationships all over the world, I'd laugh at everything I posted. I've seen psychopath women who had numerous bf kill themselves. I helped a man who was dating a sociopath who's had numerous ex's commit suicide, one blow his brains out with a shotgun. He recently passed away from all the stress & chaos she caused him. Many stories of men and women suddenly die of strokes at the hand of these demons. I had men call me in the am I had to talk out of suicide. They are silent killers who leave no marks or bruises.

It's a battle of good and evil. Part of the agenda is the devil infects the victims with the spirit of suicide. Is it a coincidence that the men/women I personally know were suicidal at the hands of these types and the ex's before them? The many on this forum who were also suicidal? This chit is on a biblical level that 99.9% of people will think is a fairy tale, nor think is even possible or want to believe is possible. I could care less who believes me and who doesn't, nor am I here to convert anyone. You have zero clue how to support these types of situations, nor are you humble about it.

 

[Epic Days]

We disagree and until he assumes responsibility for the outcome he will remain a victim in it.
This game is for keeps. It’s in what he thinks and believes that open him up to a good thrashing.
Another man who thinks differently will smile at her antics and they won’t work.

Having to have her as a girlfriend or wife will set up his demise. If he listens to you...then there’s not much hope. It’s not about fault.

 

[European-DJ]

Thank you all for the advice I really appreciate the variety in everything written.

While I do agree to some extend that a lot of this is my own fault for loosing my ground and not removing myself earlier, I’ll have to say that I’ve never experienced more calibrated manipulation before - it was practically a ‘boiling the frog’ scenario.

It would constantly be 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 2 step forward, three steps back - repeat.

Whatever I did would be the most amazing one day only to be terrible the next day. If I voiced my opinion I would be “blaming / causing pressure / etc etc”, but if I didn’t I would be “acting weird”. It was a constant setting of double standards and her promising to better herself every-time I decided to end things.

What scares me the most is that I feel very empty / void, because the relationship literally took up every wake moment of my life for those 6-7 months; I was getting little to no sleep and spent enormous amount of resources getting her back on her feet and being there for her.

I practically took on a full-blown caretaker role and I have no idea why i felt the urge to do so..

Now I’m just seeking advise on how to recover...

 

[Epic Days]

Thank you all for the advice I really appreciate the variety in everything written.

While I do agree to some extend that a lot of this is my own fault for loosing my ground and not removing myself earlier, I’ll have to say that I’ve never experienced more calibrated manipulation before - it was practically a ‘boiling the frog’ scenario.

It would constantly be 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 2 step forward, three steps back - repeat.

Whatever I did would be the most amazing one day only to be terrible the next day. If I voiced my opinion I would be “blaming / causing pressure / etc etc”, but if I didn’t I would be “acting weird”. It was a constant setting of double standards and her promising to better herself every-time I decided to end things.

What scares me the most is that I feel very empty / void, because the relationship literally took up every wake moment of my life for those 6-7 months; I was getting little to no sleep and spent enormous amount of resources getting her back on her feet and being there for her.

I practically took on a full-blown caretaker role and I have no idea why i felt the urge to do so..

Now I’m just seeking advise on how to recover...

I completely understand brother. There is a really scary book I want you to read. It's a rather small book but it comes straight from a woman. The most manipulated creature on the planet is a man. He is so fantastically unaware that it is scary. Not only that...he systematically volunteers to be manipulated by a woman. He submits willingly to his own slavery to her manipulations.
Every thing you see or believe is a lie in our social world.
The book is "The Manipulated Man" by Esther Vilar. One of the most shocking books I've ever read. Straight out of a woman's mouth. She has been threatened by death for telling men the truth. Don't think for a second that every woman alive doesn't know whats going on.

Notice how no women posted in this thread? They feel nothing and already know its your fault for, in their words, being so stupid. I don't think you are stupid. But you will be better for this.

 

[Billtx49]

Now I’m just seeking advise on how to recover...

Completely educate yourself on the disorder you think she has and whether she is high or low functioning, etc.
Realize that you are very fortunate to have only been involved for 6-7 months.
Take the time and patience to recover which will likely be longer than normal than that of a normal woman…

 

[stovepipe]

Thank you all for the advice I really appreciate the variety in everything written.

While I do agree to some extend that a lot of this is my own fault for loosing my ground and not removing myself earlier, I’ll have to say that I’ve never experienced more calibrated manipulation before - it was practically a ‘boiling the frog’ scenario.

It would constantly be 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 2 step forward, three steps back - repeat.

Whatever I did would be the most amazing one day only to be terrible the next day. If I voiced my opinion I would be “blaming / causing pressure / etc etc”, but if I didn’t I would be “acting weird”. It was a constant setting of double standards and her promising to better herself every-time I decided to end things.

What scares me the most is that I feel very empty / void, because the relationship literally took up every wake moment of my life for those 6-7 months; I was getting little to no sleep and spent enormous amount of resources getting her back on her feet and being there for her.

I practically took on a full-blown caretaker role and I have no idea why i felt the urge to do so..

Now I’m just seeking advise on how to recover...

There is nothing any of use can tell you thats going help except the #1 rule of staying no contact. With time you will heal. With these types of relationships I usually say it takes 2-3 times longer than the relationship lasted to heal. But in a lot of cases the pain, shame, regret, ect can linger for years and in some cases for life.

You were the care taker cause she brainwashed you. It's like having a spell cast on you. You become their servant even though part of you knows whats going on, you dont know why and you cant seem to stop, it just happens. It's like having your subconscious and perception put in a blender. It's on a level that most don't want to believe is possible.

Long term exposure to these types can and will cause brain damage and age you a lot faster. You don't feel like yourself cause you gave her your entire self in a way you never have. They steal a piece of each victim they to this to and also parts of your personality. Most men/women dont know who they are after being in a relationship with a Jezebel. Again time is your friend, learn from it, you will come out of this the sharpest version of yourself

 

[Epic Days]

There actually are some ways to handle this. First go read the thread on Expressive personality males and then work on your strengths.

This is the important part:

Get a pen and paper. Now first recall as best you can. Exactly how she looked when you felt the tingling panic, rising fear of loss, or whatever the circumstance that come to mind. Run with it. If you can go earlier, then do so. Maybe its the point where you couldn't believe you had met such enchanting woman (her).
In your mind. Recall how she looked. Her facial expression. Look around in your recall and note where you were. Hows things in the background were bright or dull. Was there any smells? what was the temperature? The important part is to start seeing what you missed before. Look at her face, her expression, her disposition.
Now write it all down. Train yourself to recall and to see. You will start to feel better about that incident. Keep going over it until you feel a little better. Now find what you missed that she was trying to hide from you and really see it. That's your make-break point.

It's all there. Right in front of you. Learn to SEE. Her intent was there. But you missed it.
Keep doing this for every different moment that comes to your mind. Find what you missed and/or should have seen. Then accept it. It's all you.

Then continue to study and learn. Expressive males don't know their strengths and default to feeling and connecting without understanding. This makes them particularly easy prey when raised in the Feminine Imperative.
Women. All women understand whats going on and that men are clueless about it. Men were born to be manipulated. Never, ever, take the council of a woman again and never ask for it.

 

[DreamAgain]

The most important thing is that you go no contact for good. Don't rationalize this one iota, erase her from your phone, your e-mail, everywhere. Stay away and you'll slowly heal until you've forgotten about this wh0re.

 

[European-DJ]

It’s interesting how torn the mind can be when having dealt with a BPD.

It’s as if I miss / crave the constant ups and downs, yet know how wrong and damaging it was.

It’s absurd to think I invested this much in the person who probably never truly cares about me. Life’s weird sometimes and I believe @wolf ’s story captures the whole episode so well!

 

[John9999]

Following 6 months in a relationship with a Gaslighter (potentially BPD), I found myself having had enough and ended it in quite a mess - but at least it ended.
The relationship from an emotional perspective can best be described as:

Beginning _____/\/\/\___/\/\_/\/\/\____/\/\/\ NOW

With the final part being a massive down in which I stand now.

Since the beginning, I knew that the girl was a bit off / different, but at the same time this was what made her really appealing. She was extremely social and outgoing and spoke her mind quite freely - which is more or less the polar opposite of me. In retrospect, I might think I found her interesting because I thought she could help me get out of my head / shell. Following weeks of her convincing me I was the one, she all of the sudden started having second doubts and wanted me to prove myself - and this went on for months, the better I was, the more I had to prove myself, the more I proved myself the more she doubted. When I tried to pull out, she love bombed and pulled me in again, when I gave in she became verbally abusive again.

The verbal abuse she exposed me to was way worse than anything I have ever tried before, but at the same time the "good feelings" she triggered in me was better than what I have tried with anyone else - I guess that is what they do and she did it well... During the time I got pretty convinced that I was in the wrong and that in fact I was the bad person / unfair / not chilled / horrible etc,

Following a messy week where I ended up having a panic attack twice in two weeks (during which she practically offered not support and only stated that she too was hurt and thus coudlnt assist me), being told she had no loyalty for me and did not love me any longer, I ended up removing myself completely and cancelled a trip we had planned the following weekend.

Since then there has been attempts of reaching out to me, but these have slowly reduced to nothing. While that is definitely helping the situation, I am left a complete emotional mess and I am having a hard time moving un.

Therefore, I am calling out anyone who has had exposure to a Gaslighter / BPD and who has moved on successfully to share their experience and what they found the most useful in their healing process.

/European

I have been with women like this. They will literally make you think you were losing your mind. They never ever change even though they say they will.

 

[HOOVERMEBABY]

I don't even have to read your post OP, no BPD is worth a post that long and if you write one this long about a BPD you have lost already.

 

[Robert28]

It took me to my mid-30’s to finally run across a narcissist, sociopath, borderline, whatever the hell she was. I never want to do that mind rape ever again! She did the love bombing, future faking, devaluation, and I hauled ass before she could do the discard. When I say this girl was night and day from the 1st month to the 3rd month you better believe it! Holy crap!

I went to add her on Instagram because she’d been saying I needed to get on it. She denied the request and blocked me! I asked her wtf and she was “what are you talking about? I didn’t block you? You’re being petty!”. Weird how my friend could find her public profile easily but I couldn’t and I couldn’t send her another request. What’s even weirder is she’s on my Facebook but rejected Instagram. That was one of her gaslighting, mind fvcks.

The best one was she accused me of ignoring her because I didn’t respond to a text within 10 mins. It’s funny because we had an argument (one of many) and this girl ignored me for 2 weeks but claims I ignored her for 10 mins.lol

Basically she would turn around whatever she was doing and accuse you of it. Or if you caught her doing something she’d act all aloof and “what are you talking about?”. Basically trying to drive you crazy and make you second guess what you were thinking.

Someone wised me up to her and told me she was getting ready to discard me so I better run because it was gonna be bad as I was in the beginning stages of it. I dunno what her personality disorder was but man she was messed up. Totally sweet girl that first month but the devil can disguise himself in many ways, remember that.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

I would say the most important thing is setting up personal boundaries. Have a standard on how you want to behave and how you want others to behave in your presence. Your job is not to get along with everyone. That's how you invite the most evil people in. Your job is to discern between real and fake people. You need some kind of filtering system.

Nowadays, I don't even respond to certain people or certain types of behavior. Like if you were to text me after midnight about something random, I would just completely ignore you. The person sending me random texts knows they are bored and trying to use me for entertainment. And if you keep trying to get my attention out of neediness, I would ghost you even if you were related to me. That's how high my standards are. I even ghost people who look like they are aimless and not improving themselves. The first sign of neediness/aimlessness and I am gone.

Something amazing happens when you have high standards for yourself and people. All the "evil" people disappear or change to fit your standards. The interesting thing is my standards re mostly non-verbal. I never had to tell anyone. People can just pick it up from my vibe.

The reason why all of this is important because I want you to take some personal responsibility as well. Too often I see guys play the victim card when all along they allowed themselves to be manipulated. They lowered their standards and betrayed themselves at some point. A lot of women do this as well. They date the worse guys and blame the male population for their poor choices.

There are good people out there. In order to manifest them, you have to raise your standards for yourself and others. And live up to your standards everyday. This is how you begin the healing process towards feeling complete. The worse time to get into a relationship is when you are needy. You'll just end up attracting neurotic people.

great reply..
if the girl doesnt gut you permanently and your able to learn after the nighrmare you will find yourself with some wicked strong personal boundaries.

getting involved with the wrong people means death.

 

[European-DJ]

Two months in I’m feeling a lot better, although I still think about her a lot. There’s no real closure and I see myself stuck in similar thought patterns as other users have described- you don’t really experience the same highs with other girls...

I know that it’s for the better- but some nights do get lonely and I always get set back a bit when I receive the occasional text.

Nonetheless, just wanted to post an update to let the other users know that I sincerely appreciate the advise and that I’ve followed it.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

great reply..
if the girl doesnt gut you permanently and your able to learn after the nighrmare you will find yourself with some wicked strong personal boundaries.

getting involved with the wrong people means death.

Its that simple. Women choose. Entertain only those who choose. A good friend wont have you in positions that degrade you. They also will be reciprocal.

 

[DelayedGratification]

Go to this site, gettinbetter.com, read read and read until you heal. Yeah empty and void, it's like a Pandora box being emptied from oneself the void and experiencing all the pain that comes out of it.. Bpds are notorious at waking up all these feelings that were unresolved since youre a very young child.. I know been there done that, I completely heal within a year and not a single women can manipulate me cause u have been with the most crazy female in the planet!! Congratulations!!

I will have to check that out. Been over a year since my former mistress fled, but not before her BPD inflicted some serious wreckage. Sustained no-contact for ten months, including resisted answering a text she sent in late May. Didn't have that resolve this weekend and got sucked into a short convo.

On one hand, now that the convo is over and I have a better idea of where she's been and where she's at now, I have a much clearer perspective. On the other, I need this to not regress. Scary how I can simultaneously see through her particular brand of Crazy, yet at the same time start falling back into the familiar cadence of our interactions.

 

[Focal core]

Scary how I can simultaneously see through her particular brand of Crazy, yet at the same time start falling back into the familiar cadence of our interactions.

You both obviously share same wavelengths, the way to get out of it is to get resolved with it, Heal, grow and change. Healing is always about Honoring your own feelings. If you read something similar with your life with her on that site you're obviously been with one heck of a sickos. The worst thing you share with your bpd lover is poor self-worth.. Get that shape up you will over her in no time.