I Need an Alpha Mindset

[Black Magic]

Hey all, first post.

I'm new to Red Pill thanks to The Rational Male, No More Mr. Nice Guy, and other sources, and feel like I have a long road of recovery ahead.

Backstory...been sober for a few years and almost a year ago joined another 12 step program for relationships. I have not officially dated for almost a year while I figure stuff out, although I did recently hang out with a younger chick that I just got LJBF'd by, cause I fell into old pattern. More on that later.

Prior to that, I grew up with an alcoholic, abusive, and abandoning father and after he bounced when I was young, I was left with a mother who made me her surrogate spouse and emotional support animal. Basically I grew up all my life with a highly strained or non-existent relationship with Dad and an emotionally incestuous mother. A typical breeding ground for addictive, codependent, beta AFC behavior.

Back to the younger chick and old pattern...

I've never spun plates, and emotionally I'm a bull in a china shop for the first year of a oneitis relationship, then I just don't give a sh!t and the relationship falls apart. I mean, I don't even really care at that point if she hits on other guys, cause my attention is already on new a$$. Rinse and repeat. I just don't know how to stop OBSESSING about her in the beginning just to not care at all in the end. It's like my mind and heart conspire against me every time. I know this goes back to my relationship with my parents, toxic shame, self-sabotage, fear of abandonment, etc, but knowing that isn't going to fix it. With this last girl, my emotions got the best of me and my sh!tty text game destroyed it. She nailed me with the most acidic stab of LJBF I've ever received!

I think I need advice on how to spin plates and calm that obsession over one woman, or at least just talk this out, cause this pattern has to stop. I'm not looking for The One or marriage...I've actually ditched those fantasies and already tried the marriage thing. I just wanna be able to enjoy life with women in a non-monogamous fashion without my AFC heart getting in the way. Thanks!!

 

[Spaz]

This is a well written thread.

Speaks volumes on ur level of EQ and at the same time points to you being a naturally passive man.

Hang around, I have utmost confidence that you will find some sort of peace by going through the motions of posting, reading and interacting with people here.

Btw welcome to SS.

 

[Black Magic]

Thanks Spaz, great to be here. I am a passive man. After I learned about frame I realized that initially I fly into hers like Superman as I throw myself into an LTR, but then it switches after a year when I don't care anymore. It's as if I'm doing everything in reverse.

This is hard for me to say but I think it's at the core of this behavior: despite being the chosen child (well, only child) of my mother, she ultimately abandoned my emotional needs in favor of hers. Therefore, I'm always searching for the "mother I never had," which is what I make these women after a year or so.

 

[Serenity]

Welcome to SoSuave. That was a solid first post. You're aware of your problem and how you got it, that's a very good start which will make it easier for you to solve.

Thanks Spaz, great to be here. I am a passive man.

You might want to take a look at this. Passive might not mean what you think it means, @Spaz has invented his own system.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Thanks Spaz, great to be here. I am a passive man. After I learned about frame I realized that initially I fly into hers like Superman as I throw myself into an LTR, but then it switches after a year when I don't care anymore. It's as if I'm doing everything in reverse.

This is hard for me to say but I think it's at the core of this behavior: despite being the chosen child (well, only child) of my mother, she ultimately abandoned my emotional needs in favor of hers. Therefore, I'm always searching for the "mother I never had," which is what I make these women after a year or so.

Many men do this... making the woman their mother. There's a natural drive to do this. This is usually manifested in the oft-heard tale, "After a year with her, I became more and more beta". We start looking to them to fulfill our emotional "needs".

In my view, this is an energy reversal. Instead of our masculine energy driving and guiding the entire relationship (which is what initially attracted the woman), we settle back and start sucking her energy.

I always advise men to train themselves to become aware of the direction of energy flow. You can start to perceive it easily once you become aware of it. You are the source, not her. The energy should by and large flow in the direction from you to her (and she responds). Whenever the energy flow reverses direction, the man will think and act with weakness. It is willingly trading control for comfort.

It took me a long time to learn to recognize the direction of energy flow. I have never read about it anywhere... I just observed it in my relationships and I realized that when the current flows from another person to me and I am responding, I am in a weak, feminine position.

A man can still be a decent, gentlemanly strong guy while maintaining the proper direction of energy flow. In fact, correct energy flow actually creates a dynamic within which it's perfectly appropriate to be kind to others without being a doormat. In short, it creates a climate of self-respect first and foremost, and respect from others secondly.

 

[Black Magic]

You might want to take a look at this. Passive might not mean what you think it means, @Spaz has invented his own system.

Wow ok, between that and what @Atom Smasher said, I have a lot to read and reply to. Thank you!

It dawned on me this morning while listening to the audiobook The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene, that I've been the passive-aggressive type. This is a strategy I used as a child to get my needs met/feel safe among two highly dysfunctional and aggressive parents, but said strategy is a detriment in adulthood.

Additionally, I've been a personality mirror, again going back to a childhood strategy to supplant my own sense of self for that of another, in hopes I'll win their approval and avoid pain. The result is a weak frame, as I didn't really have an opportunity to cultivate a cohesive and integrated sense of self. Furthermore, underneath the false Nice Guy motif is a bed of rage that tends to leak out in subversive ways, and results in a sadomasochistic personality split. I realized in my last interaction with a female that despite being "nice," I'm actually quite sadistic, and in turn, masochistic. The masochism has a dual role of providing the comfort of familiar pain while reinforcing my own beliefs about myself.

 

[glass half full]

I've been a personality mirror, again going back to a childhood strategy to supplant my own sense of self for that of another, in hopes I'll win their approval and avoid pain. The result is a weak frame, as I didn't really have an opportunity to cultivate a cohesive and integrated sense of self.

Have to admit, I did this in my teen years. It seemed to help in the short run anyway. Never seen mention of this here before.

 

[glass half full]

The book of pook is helpful...and I'm not sure if this one is still available, albeit expensive is How to become an alpha male, by John Alexander. I highly reccomend this one, but if you find it, may not be cheap. I bought it way before I came to this board while making plans for my exit from a very crappy situation.

 

[Black Magic]

Stop with the dysfunction and deprecation. Life's unfair and we've all been treated like shiat.

Agreed. I'm not wallowing in victimhood anymore, just sharing my observations about how I got here and what my current patterns are, so I can change them. If you have the secret method to an Alpha Heart, please share.

The first/best thing I did towards any type of recovery was an exit from victimhood. I actually have a descent relationship with my parents thanks to setting boundaries, managing my expectations, and accepting them for who they are. Doesn't mean I don't still feel angry at them or get hella triggered at times, but I always try to own my sh!t so I don't drink my own poison hoping someone else will die.

Thanks for the book recos @glass half full. The key books for me are Iron John by Robert Bly, The Rational Male by Rollo, No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover, Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura, Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw, and The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene. The Emotional Incest Syndrome by Patricia Love is also a good one if you have an enmeshing parent.

 

[Black Magic]

but I'm in no way compulsed to be exclusive with any of them

Sounds like I do/have a lot of the same things you do, except this.

I like my job, make good money, got plenty of it in the bank, I'm in outstanding shape due to rigorous outdoor and indoor exercise, as well as eating clean/minimally-processed food. I dress well and I'm good looking; not just cause I think so but because I get plenty of IOI's.

What I quoted is my problem. As soon as I meet a woman who's interested in me, I either fvck it up right away, or if she's into the same emotional S&M that I am, will end up in a relationship with me that's 100% passion for 9 months, which then slowly dies over a 2-year period as I lose interest.

My goal is to able to do this: 1) stop fantasizing about one woman; 2) stop obsessing about one woman; 3) spin plates.

Oh and most of all, 4) not seek any form of validation from anyone but myself.

 

[allancc3]

I use some of the buzzwords and acronyms but I strongly urge caution about internalizing many of these ideas. If you perform even the most cursory scan of the personalities behind these ideas, you will find a collection of the most dysfunctional, bizarre and pathetic personalities on the planet. Some of them traveled the world as sex tourists before arriving at their supposedly brilliant conclusions, but most are sh1t tier carnival barkers, scammers and sleazy sociopaths who can't really function for any extended period of time anywhere else.

It's a little sad to see these buzzwords being spouted out mechanically over and over again, but it's even more sad when you see guys taking advice from others who have absolutely zero credibility, without any single shred of evidence much less proof that they apply these ideas successfully themselves.

But other than that, welcome.

I'd be remiss if I didn't address your point more specifically. The "alpha" mindset is a pipe dream for most guys. It's especially comical to see it used by pua/manosphere/redpill bro's in particular. It is a recipe for disappointment, bitterness and anger, if not worse. There's such a profound gap between the "alpha" ideal and what most guys' abilities actually are and their smv (yeah), it's preposterous.

Do you have the ability to see the world and to view yourself in even a semi-realistic light? If so, you are and will be light years ahead of anyone who subscribes to so-called redpill/pua ideas. Reality is the last stand for men and most are loathe to venture near.

 

[Spaz]

If u r not naturally dominant then it's good to acquire some skills on being more assertive etc.

Just don't get obsessed with these whole idea of Alpha-ness because it will come off as fake and would make you miserable.

Just refocus ur energy into something other then women, have a good mixture.

Pour ur passion into music, stage plays, dancing etc - artistic or humanistic.

To me you just got an enormous amount of emotions and it's not bad, just need to re divert some of it to something else and find ur footing in it.

You'll soon forget about all ur childhood upbringing when you are happy with life.

 

[glass half full]

I use some of the buzzwords and acronyms but I strongly urge caution about internalizing many of these ideas. If you perform even the most cursory scan of the personalities behind these ideas, you will find a collection of the most dysfunctional, bizarre and pathetic personalities on the planet. Some of them traveled the world as sex tourists before arriving at their supposedly brilliant conclusions, but most are sh1t tier carnival barkers, scammers and sleazy sociopaths who can't really function for any extended period of time anywhere else.

It's a little sad to see these buzzwords being spouted out mechanically over and over again, but it's even more sad when you see guys taking advice from others who have absolutely zero credibility, without any single shred of evidence much less proof that they apply these ideas successfully themselves.

But other than that, welcome.

I'd be remiss if I didn't address your point more specifically. The "alpha" mindset is a pipe dream for most guys. It's especially comical to see it used by pua/manosphere/redpill bro's in particular. It is a recipe for disappointment, bitterness and anger, if not worse. There's such a profound gap between the "alpha" ideal and what most guys' abilities actually are and their smv (yeah), it's preposterous.

Do you have the ability to see the world and to view yourself in even a semi-realistic light? If so, you are and will be light years ahead of anyone who subscribes to so-called redpill/pua ideas. Reality is the last stand for men and most are loathe to venture near.

We're not worthy, We're not worthy!!! lmao.

 

[kbbroiler1971]

Okay the first thing you need to do is to start feeling good about yourself again. You never mentioned this but I assume you do not work out. The first thing you need to do if you haven't already join a gym and start lifting weights. The key to spinning plates is first to look like alpha on the outside. As far as the mindset goes, the first thing you need to do is block of communications with the LJBF chick. Do not feel guilty about doing this. I think in your case if you can stop communicating with her totally like on social media and texting you'll be better off. Actions speaks louder than words with chicks. Chicks communicate by their actions not words. This way you leave her hanging. One of the misconceptions with women is they believe men and women communicate the same. That's not the case obviously. From that point on, start focusing on yourself but as a guy who is into fitness. I will tell you for a man physical appearence is one of the best ways to turn heads with women. That is my pic on the left and I've trimmed down my waist line since the last time I took that pic. I weighed 200 lbs before and now I'm about 188 lbs. Then after that make a list of goals on a specific date. I do it on my birthday and then say in the next year I'm going to do this this and this. If your birthday is December 31st, pick another date. LOL..... New years resolutions don't work for most people. So that's my advice to you.

 

[Black Magic]

You never mentioned this but I assume you do not work out.

I actually mentioned it above...I exercise regularly, minimum 1.5 hrs, usually 1.75-2 hrs almost every day of the week. I'm in excellent shape and I agree, a good physique at minimum makes oneself feel better, as well as look better and project confidence.

Thanks for the tips and congrats on your fitness success. I've since stopped communication with the LJBF chick and have no hangups about it.

Pour ur passion into music

I always worry that I'm boasting but I'm quite musically talented. I was in bands all thru high school and college, and that was a surefire way to get female admirers.

@Espi thanks for the read. I started digging into the DJ Bible which has some gold in there. This process has already made me feel better about things. I'm gonna read what's been giving before adding more, but I have more insight into my predicament.

 

[Spaz]

I actually mentioned it above...I exercise regularly, minimum 1.5 hrs, usually 1.75-2 hrs almost every day of the week. I'm in excellent shape and I agree, a good physique at minimum makes oneself feel better, as well as look better and project confidence.

Thanks for the tips and congrats on your fitness success. I've since stopped communication with the LJBF chick and have no hangups about it.



I always worry that I'm boasting but I'm quite musically talented. I was in bands all thru high school and college, and that was a surefire way to get female admirers.

@Espi thanks for the read. I started digging into the DJ Bible which has some gold in there. This process has already made me feel better about things. I'm gonna read what's been giving before adding more, but I have more insight into my predicament.

Good for you.

Read more, engage more and you will find a balance of sorts.

 

[kbbroiler1971]

My bad I read your original post but not the rest. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Anyways it sounds in that area you are on the right track. The one thing with the ghosting thing. She will wonder about you and might use mutual friends of hers to see what you are up too. I know in my case my ex does this with me. I had a feeling this was going on because as women's minds can change over a guy they think a guy's mind could change. Same deal if his lifestyle changes. So I turned up the volume on social media showing what I was doing and my views on things. The message was red pill guy, having fun, have my own business, not dating single mothers, working out regularly, and life is good. I post messages on their periodically to show a consistency of never changing. Call it peecocking like the PUA's but women think because they change over time men will change. We don't change. We evolve into something better but the same frame work is there for life!

 

[Black Magic]

Ok @Spaz I'm on page 2 of your Expressive Man thread and identify with the first (Expressive) quadrant you outlined. I am quite technical as well, but find myself constantly drawn to the "feeling" side of things. I identify most with what you said here...

The shortcut that most of the expressive here are doing to achieve the pull of their quadrant ; getting it from women.

It's because they are not successful in their own quadrant or deviated from their God given path or as nature intended.

What you raise here are some existential intellections, or one's innate path given a particular personality. Often times I feel like I deviated from my true path even tho about 70-80% of the time I'm happy with my job. Definitely happy with the money tho I often crave the creativity of something more artistic.

A few things dawned on me recently...

a) I have a Level Voice and an Under Voice. The Level Voice is the one I hear when I'm talking to myself in my mind. It's mature, rational, and generally I'm pleased with it. The Under Voice is what comes out so much of the time when interacting with others in writing or speaking, and I don't like it. To me it sounds childish, subservient, a tad fearful, and I feel somehow beneath the person I'm addressing. This is probably another quirk from childhood that has yet to be shed.

b) With regards to the LJBF chick, I discovered that I actually *liked* the pain I felt when she hit me with it, and concluded that I'm quite the masochist. I believe that I instinctively cause her pain with a text message I fooled myself into believing was of good intent, and when she dealt me the stabbing LJBF, I found it comforting. So I think that the masochism is born of two possible self-defeating strategies: 1) that I find the pain comforting in its familiarity and/or 2) it serves to reinforce the underlying shame and negative beliefs I have about myself. Either way, it's been empowering to realize that I subconsciously caused this pain myself, as I've done so many times in the past.

Once again, getting out of victim mode is liberating.

 

[Spaz]

U r the master of emotional availability, embrace it - It is okay.

Just learn to channel those emotions into something productive that you'd be proud off or find rewarding.

 

[IKO69]

You just go out and do ****. I don't know what your personal goals are (outside of women) and how realistic they are, you just have to charge them head on. You'll become "alpha" fulfilling your goals because you are chasing your dreams and doing what you want to do. That's what makes an alpha and alpha. You don't become an alpha by living for other people. In fact people will follow if they see you take charge and admire you for having initiative.