So I actually had an opportunity with a good looking girl last night

[bigdave17]

Friend of a friend - cute Spanish 23 year old. Somewhat close to my type. Only thing being that she is trying to be a cop - women who want to work in male dominated venues is a big turnoff

But anyways, at first she was liking me but i think my desperation kicked in and she was turned off. What is causing my intense desperation? Is it just because I'm trying to force it so hard?

I'm so ****ing strong socially otherwise. I met this group of 3 people last night and they just loved me. They were all begging for my number and kept telling me to call them to hang out. The difference is all in attitude. I don't know how to be myself with zero desperation around beautiful women at the early initial stages

The weird thing is that I only struggle with this at the very early stages. Once a girl shows some strong interest in me, its like my brain calms down and allows me to be myself. Early stages, i want her desperately to like me so I'm forcing the action super hard. I just can't seem to pursue a girl with zero outcome dependance

 

[GrowingPains]

I assume you're limiting yourself. The posts I've read from you suggest you have a very specific type.

Which means you don't interact with that many women, And that's potentially the source of your desperation.

Do you have options? If you did, you wouldn't care so much about the outcome of an interaction with a new woman. There is a difference between interest and desperation. Without options and confidence, which comes from putting in the work, you will display the latter.

 

[spinich]

Please don't start another flurry of the same posts regarding why, being as wonderful as you are, can't find the perfect woman and live happily ever after. Thanks in advance.

 

[bigdave17]

I assume you're limiting yourself. The posts I've read from you suggest you have a very specific type.

Which means you don't interact with that many women, And that's potentially the source of your desperation.

Do you have options? If you did, you wouldn't care so much about the outcome of an interaction with a new woman. There is a difference between interest and desperation. Without options and confidence, which comes from putting in the work, you will display the latter.

This chubby Indian woman tried like 6 times to talk to me last night


I get plenty of female attention but it's never from anybody worth dating. The ones I like, I struggle to interact with them just being myself. I want it to happen sooooooooooo badly that my desperation overwhelms them


is this a lack of confidence? As in I don't think they will like me/don't believe in myself so I'm trying to force the action instead of letting it happen naturally? in Baseball you call it aiming the pitch. As a pitcher, you're trying hard to throw it to a perfect spot instead of just staying within yourself and trusting your stuff and letting it go naturally. I think this is a question of not trusting myself somehow

 

[GrowingPains]

This chubby Indian woman tried like 6 times to talk to me last night


I get plenty of female attention but it's never from anybody worth dating. The ones I like, I struggle to interact with them just being myself. I want it to happen sooooooooooo badly that my desperation overwhelms them


is this a lack of confidence? As in I don't think they will like me/don't believe in myself so I'm trying to force the action instead of letting it happen naturally? in Baseball you call it aiming the pitch. As a pitcher, you're trying hard to throw it to a perfect spot instead of just staying within yourself and trusting your stuff and letting it go naturally. I think this is a question of not trusting myself somehow

That could be it. Not trusting yourself. If you think your social skills are good enough then start focusing on worrying less.

I should clarify that by options I mean plates you're spinning. Or even other prospects that you are interested in and show you interest back.

 

[Roober]

It's not all about looks, you should be able to talk to anyone well.

Subconsciously, you believe these beautiful women are out of your league. What this basically means is the confidence you have with everyone else is fake, the real Dave is the insecure one in front of the beautiful women.

Go talk to 1 or more beautiful woman every single day and the anxiety will go away more. The more you do it, the less of an obstacle it will be. AMD when you do do it, ask for every girls number.

All interactions are not going to be perfect, but that often doesn't matter.

 

[bigdave17]

It's not all about looks, you should be able to talk to anyone well.

Subconsciously, you believe these beautiful women are out of your league. What this basically means is the confidence you have with everyone else is fake, the real Dave is the insecure one in front of the beautiful women.

Go talk to 1 or more beautiful woman every single day and the anxiety will go away more. The more you do it, the less of an obstacle it will be. AMD when you do do it, ask for every girls number.

All interactions are not going to be perfect, but that often doesn't matter.

I think I'm putting the ***** on the pedestal, making the women more in my head than they really are. They're just people

 

[AJ84]

I think I'm putting the ***** on the pedestal, making the women more in my head than they really are. They're just people

You do that, but you also disqualify women based on them not meeting your criteria which is fine, but you have a list of very specific criteria (some of which is not sustainable) so it’s a circle of you disqualifying a lot of women and feeling that the ones that you would qualify are totally out of your league.

But if you think about it, any women who meets your list of criteria is going to be out of the league of the vast majority of men because your list includes things like being Instagram filter hot in real life plus never aging and never losing her body shape. Any hot woman who could magically never age and never change her body shape and looks exactly like her filtered insta pics would have a wide choice of the top percentage of men, so celebs and Silicon Valley millionaires etc. Those guys aren’t you so I think you are creating your own insecurities with your qualifiers.

 

[spinich]

Dave, have you ever pondered that the "qualifiers" you place on woman are actually a protection device to save your fragile ego? Or maybe you are struggling with your sexual identity and disqualifying woman of your market value allows you to protect yourself from admitting your natural inclinations. Something to ruminate upon.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

You have intense social anxiety around women you are attracted to.

So intense, you won't even admit it. Your hamster is like a 99th degree black belt in mental gymnastics.

Unless you address this, NOTHING is going to change. Not even a trip to unicorn-land.

Your logic is about as funny as The Jerk who genuinely thought the dude shooting at him hated cans.

 

[bigdave17]

You do that, but you also disqualify women based on them not meeting your criteria which is fine, but you have a list of very specific criteria (some of which is not sustainable) so it’s a circle of you disqualifying a lot of women and feeling that the ones that you would qualify are totally out of your league.

But if you think about it, any women who meets your list of criteria is going to be out of the league of the vast majority of men because your list includes things like being Instagram filter hot in real life plus never aging and never losing her body shape. Any hot woman who could magically never age and never change her body shape and looks exactly like her filtered insta pics would have a wide choice of the top percentage of men, so celebs and Silicon Valley millionaires etc. Those guys aren’t you so I think you are creating your own insecurities with your qualifiers.

my taste isn't as high end as you think. I like most any cute, quality, mid 20s ethnic woman.

 

[bigdave17]

You have intense social anxiety around women you are attracted to.

So intense, you won't even admit it. Your hamster is like a 99th degree black belt in mental gymnastics.

Unless you address this, NOTHING is going to change. Not even a trip to unicorn-land.

Your logic is about as funny as The Jerk who genuinely thought the dude shooting at him hated cans.

that's my problem when it comes to trying to approach random beautiful women... but the woman last night - I was introduced to via friends - so there was no anxiety. The desperation is what killed me

I want it to happen so badly that I can't seem to let it happen naturally. I gotta somehow get over the anxiety AND learn to trust myself

 

[GrowingPains]

The desperation is what killed me

It's also possible that she just didn't like you.

Everyone doesn't like everyone.

 

[bigdave17]

It's also possible that she just didn't like you.

Everyone doesn't like everyone.

I think my problem is I'm struggling to show lots of interest without any desperation


this is basically the key to social success. Hell, it's why I'm so dominant at my sales job of selling cars- I show lots of genuine interest in my clients without any desperation for a sale


I'm so desperate to find a woman that it's seeping through

 

[GrowingPains]

Yep. You've touched on this before.

Sort it out. Get in the field. Get some options. Fail a lot and eventually you will succeed. Simple.

 

[bigdave17]

Yep. You've touched on this before.

Sort it out. Get in the field. Get some options. Fail a lot and eventually you will succeed. Simple.

I don't know what to do about it

the older I get, the more badly I want to meet somebody. Everybody's solution to this is to figure out what's missing on other parts of life...well the rest of my life is fukking perfect. I have a good job with kickass co workers that I make a fantastic income and I'm very beloved by my management, I have wonderful friends and family, great lifestyle. I just want to meet someone very very badly

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

the older I get, the more badly I want to meet somebody. Everybody's solution to this is to figure out what's missing on other parts of life...

This is ridiculous
.

If you are out of shape, you to the gym.

If you suck at tennis, you hit the courts.

If you suck at the piano, you practice the piano.

If you SUCK at talking to girls, you PRACTICE talking to girls.

Since you are TOO TERRIFIED to even consider this option, you will spend ENDLESS time and energy and money looking for solutions where NONE EXIST.

All the while getting more and more depressed, more and more desperate, and older and older.

Take that $7K you've got earmarked for unicorn land and see a therapist.

Tell him you are SCARED to talk to attractive girls.

You want to be NOT SCARED when talking to attractive girls.

Jesus you're annoying.

 

[spinich]

Dave, may be you should take the attitude of being single/alone is not life threatening. Many men, and women, have a great life without a mate. And stop this self fulfilling merry-go-round of desperation and lack of dignity.

 

[AJ84]

my taste isn't as high end as you think. I like most any cute, quality, mid 20s ethnic woman.

The older you get, the harder it will be for you to find your ideal girl without paying for her affection.
You are in your prime now and wasting it stuck in a self defeating loop. Just go to Armenia Dave, have family members help you meet someone.

 

[bigdave17]

...........