Possible Divorce, Too late to change?

[Calihopeful]

I'm 31 years old with a daughter who is almost 3. I filed for divorce a few months ago after I called the police on my wife for domestic violence. She never hit me, but got physical (restraining) during an argument and I told her I would never put up with that behavior. I grew up in a home with domestic violence and do not want my child to do the same. I know if I let my wife get away with that behavior, it would get worse.

I've read all 3 of the Rational Male books, No More Mr. Nice Guy, some papers on stoicism and listened to all of The Black Philip show. I believe my "being too nice" has caused her behavior to become out of control over the years (we've been together about 5 years, married 3). I would tell her things like I would never leave her, do anything to make her happy, was only happy when she was happy, etc... But it seemed like no matter how hard I tried to make her happy, things kept getting worse. I was slightly depressed for a short while. When I stopped bending over backwards to please her, she became physical (as none of her other threats/**** tests worked anymore).

Since then, there were some major ups and downs. Now that she has cooled down, things are OK. I've been happy since I've made myself my priority. I told her if she ever uses the child against me in an argument or gets physical, I will go through with the divorce. She eventually said I was right and agreed to control herself. The papers are still filed, I have 3 months to revoke the filing before our court date.

The problem is, I still don't think she respects me. I had some money hidden away for my daughters daycare after I filed the divorce (not much, few hundred). Today I discovered it's gone. She would be the only one who could have taken it. A watch she bought me as a gift is also missing. Now I don't really care about the material objects, I can always make more money. But it's the principal of the matter. Her wedding ring is missing and she accuses me of taking it (I didn't), and this might be a way of getting revenge? I don't know... I believe her mom may have taken it, or my wife herself has it hidden somewhere. She never filed a police report and doesn't see the point in doing so.

We have always had a great sex life, and still do. Her **** testing and emotional outbursts are quite a bit of work though. I rarely get mad or emotional and always try to hold frame, but I'm new to this and slip occasionally and follow her down the emotional spiral when she starts moving the goal post and bringing up past events. I've never seen it this bad in other women I've been with. I want to stay in the relationship and model what a proper relationship should look like for my daughter. I would be happy with that. On the other hand, I know I would be slightly more happy without my wife (I would still want to have my daughter as much as possible, as I have always been a great father). Have any of you changed into a more masculine role later on in a marriage and had it work out? Or did your spouse always see you as the pushover you once were? I know everyone's situation is different, but any advice is appreciated.

 

[SpanishFly]

She is unstable. Do not even consider maintaining a relationship with her. You cannot change or control such a person, so break it off. Your daughter will not benefit from growing up in this environment.
Get some legal advice regarding custody and the financial implications of a divorce.
Then once you have the legalities prepared, free yourself from this situation. Don't look back.

 

[R.U.G.]

It's done bro. I'd see a lawyer and brief them of the situation to see how to proceed. Oh yea, stop fvcking her.

 

[Ranger]

Do you see the connection on why she kept getting worse?

 

[Focal core]

She is unstable. Do not even consider maintaining a relationship with her. You cannot change or control such a person, so break it off. Your daughter will not benefit from growing up in this environment.
Get some legal advice regarding custody and the financial implications of a divorce.
Then once you have the legalities prepared, free yourself from this situation. Don't look back.

This and afterward get to therapy.early childhood trauma ALWAYS predict our future partners, get it resolve and make better partner selection next time.

 

[FMCSMT]

Speaking from a divorced dad 50/50 of 4 years now and a 7 year old son - he was 3 at the time and does not even remember mom and dad being together. What he does know is that his dad takes care of himself first so that his dad can take care of the rest of the family (I have 3, no girlfriend but do plate spin when I do not have the kids). This is model your daughter should grow with. Bang her to keep the peace but follow through with the divorce swiftly and covertly. However, check on your state's laws, and record her at all time especially when banging her. A rape kit is good for 3-5 days after intercourse. Her alleging rape and you proving with recording that it was consensual will destroy her credit permanently. Ask me how I know...

 

[Calihopeful]

Do you see the connection on why she kept getting worse?

I believe so. Soon after we were married, if I did something that agitated her she would threaten divorce. I would break down and do anything to fix the "problem." She would use this threat a few more times until I accepted it might not work out and told her to stop telling me she was going to divorce. I would believe it when she had me sign the papers. She didn't threaten me with divorce again after that. She moved onto other tactics that I did not pick up on until later. After I read TRM books, I began to recognize what she was doing. None of it worked anymore, so she started using my daughter. I recorder her saying she was being aggressive with the child (not CPS aggressive, but unnecessarily rough when cleaning her ears) because I upset her. She got physical when she demanded I give her my phone and I refused.

 

[Machine10033]

No man you need to get out! She has mental issues and for whatever reason your insisting this is because of your lack of masculinity. You are at the point of no return because no matter how masculine you become she will see you as pushover because you set boundaries... she broke them... you enforced them and if you take her back they mean nothing. Your young... you have a great chance at a better life.

 

[Calihopeful]

This and afterward get to therapy.early childhood trauma ALWAYS predict our future partners, get it resolve and make better partner selection next time.

I went to therapy, and so did my wife. To try and solve our relationship problems. We went there under the pretense that it was my fault and something I had a hard time fixing (which I believed). After going to therapy, it turns out the two therapists we were seeing said she shows signs of narcissistic personality disorder. I never confronted her about that, but shortly after her therapist said she might show signs of this, she stopped going to therapy. She tried to get me to stop going as well. I doubt I'll get into a LTR anytime soon, and will definitely be a little more cognizant of who I shack up with from now on.

Speaking from a divorced dad 50/50 of 4 years now and a 7 year old son - he was 3 at the time and does not even remember mom and dad being together. What he does know is that his dad takes care of himself first so that his dad can take care of the rest of the family (I have 3, no girlfriend but do plate spin when I do not have the kids). This is model your daughter should grow with. Bang her to keep the peace but follow through with the divorce swiftly and covertly. However, check on your state's laws, and record her at all time especially when banging her. A rape kit is good for 3-5 days after intercourse. Her alleging rape and you proving with recording that it was consensual will destroy her credit permanently. Ask me how I know...

Thanks for the heads up. I began recording conversations after she was arrested for domestic violence. As she lied to police (which they discovered). I haven't recorded anything for a while once things calmed down. But I will keep what you said in mind and be careful. It sounds like I should go through with the divorce albeit covertly is a good idea.

 

[Calihopeful]

No man you need to get out! She has mental issues and for whatever reason your insisting this is because of your lack of masculinity. You are at the point of no return because no matter how masculine you become she will see you as pushover because you set boundaries... she broke them... you enforced them and if you take her back they mean nothing. Your young... you have a great chance at a better life.

I see. The only reason I'm still with her is because of the child. If she does have mental issues, I would hate to leave my child with her, for even 50% of the time.... I feel like if I'm there, I can handle it somehow and negate any damage she might cause. On the other hand, I know having a safe space for my child half the time would benefit her as well. I've just been having a difficult time decided which road to take. I WANT the latter, as I know at least I will be happier. But I worry about my daughter.

 

[jaymbrs]

I believe so. Soon after we were married, if I did something that agitated her she would threaten divorce. I would break down and do anything to fix the "problem." She would use this threat a few more times until I accepted it might not work out and told her to stop telling me she was going to divorce. I would believe it when she had me sign the papers. She didn't threaten me with divorce again after that. She moved onto other tactics that I did not pick up on until later. After I read TRM books, I began to recognize what she was doing. None of it worked anymore, so she started using my daughter. I recorder her saying she was being aggressive with the child (not CPS aggressive, but unnecessarily rough when cleaning her ears) because I upset her. She got physical when she demanded I give her my phone and I refused.

Oh **** that man. That's the primary reason why I will probably never get married. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Machine10033]

Oh **** that man. That's the primary reason why I will probably never get married. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Exactly !!! It’s a no win for any dude! I’m 38 and used to hear when are you getting married? I would smirk..... now All of married friends are slaves to the marriage! I call my buddy to golf....I get “ hey I’m good to tee off at 6 but need to be home by 11 “ f that women hold divorce over your head and it works !

 

[Calihopeful]

Oh **** that man. That's the primary reason why I will probably never get married. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Such is life. I'll be a better man coming out of this situation. It is unfortunate for my daughter, but I will always be there for her.

Exactly !!! It’s a no win for any dude! I’m 38 and used to hear when are you getting married? I would smirk..... now All of married friends are slaves to the marriage! I call my buddy to golf....I get “ hey I’m good to tee off at 6 but need to be home by 11 “ f that women hold divorce over your head and it works !

I doubt I'll get married again, knowing what I know now. I couldn't care less if she left/divorced. I just didn't want to lose time with my child. I can always make more money, buy another car, etc... but I can't get back the time I lose.

 

[Killakittie]

I've been single about a year coming out of my marriage in which I initiated divorce. My ex wife was also physically abusive and it started with her restraining and blocking my movement and progressed to her flat out hitting me in the face on multiple occasions. Once this line is crossed there's never any going back. People are either capable of physical abuse or they're not. It's the greatest form of disrespect to strike your spouse it communicates absolute zero respect and empowers them if you stay. My ex wife was arrested the third and last time she struck me, tried to blame it on me and to this day pretends she did no wrong. You can't do anything for these people. Leave.

 

[Spaz]

When respect is lost there's almost zero chance to regain it unless you flip the script radically - however there's dangers involved if it's not done right.

With ur personality displayed here, I am reluctant to provide a solution as this might aggravate the situation further.

 

[Calihopeful]

I've been single about a year coming out of my marriage in which I initiated divorce. My ex wife was also physically abusive and it started with her restraining and blocking my movement and progressed to her flat out hitting me in the face on multiple occasions. Once this line is crossed there's never any going back. People are either capable of physical abuse or they're not. It's the greatest form of disrespect to strike your spouse it communicates absolute zero respect and empowers them if you stay. My ex wife was arrested the third and last time she struck me, tried to blame it on me and to this day pretends she did no wrong. You can't do anything for these people. Leave.

That's where I suspect things were headed. Just as the divorce threats got worse when I let her have her way and move on. My wife was in an abusive relationship in the past, they would throw things at each other, she ended up punching him in the face when she caught him letting air out of her tires, etc.... Lots of BS from both of them. Thanks for your comment, makes a lot of sense.

When respect is lost there's almost zero chance to regain it unless you flip the script radically - however there's dangers involved if it's not done right.

With ur personality displayed here, I am reluctant to provide a solution as this might aggravate the situation further.

I understand the reluctance. I've only begun to change a couple months ago and I'm still learning. If you had an alternate solution, I would be curious as what it could be, if not just for the knowledge of it (without practice).

 

[Spaz]

That's where I suspect things were headed. Just as the divorce threats got worse when I let her have her way and move on. My wife was in an abusive relationship in the past, they would throw things at each other, she ended up punching him in the face when she caught him letting air out of her tires, etc.... Lots of BS from both of them. Thanks for your comment, makes a lot of sense.



I understand the reluctance. I've only begun to change a couple months ago and I'm still learning. If you had an alternate solution, I would be curious as what it could be, if not just for the knowledge of it (without practice).

PM.

 

[Focal core]

I went to therapy, and so did my wife. To try and solve our relationship problems. We went there under the pretense that it was my fault and something I had a hard time fixing (which I believed). After going to therapy, it turns out the two therapists we were seeing said she shows signs of narcissistic personality disorder. I never confronted her about that, but shortly after her therapist said she might show signs of this, she stopped going to therapy. She tried to get me to stop going as well. I doubt I'll get into a LTR anytime soon, and will definitely be a little more cognizant of who I shack up with from now on.



Thanks for the heads up. I began recording conversations after she was arrested for domestic violence. As she lied to police (which they discovered). I haven't recorded anything for a while once things calmed down. But I will keep what you said in mind and be careful. It sounds like I should go through with the divorce albeit covertly is a good idea.

It will be always "your fault" and she's making you to see like you're the crazy ones... It called gaslighting.. Such as to the extent from these PD person can go.
I strongly suggest you seeing your theraphist alone afterwards to avoid future difficulties.

 

[AttackFormation]

Get away from her and take your daughter with you. Don't let your daughter grow up with a narcissist. Force a personality diagnosis of her through so you can use evidence of her narcissism and the negative effect it'd have for your daughter as a battering ram to get custody and a good settlement.

 

[Calihopeful]

You have seen through her game and she knows it. It doesn't give you the edge you think. It would if she needed to hold your frame and she is still holding it only because of the child and money issue. But she won't do it forever and this is what you and every guy that didn't have LTR with BPD in the final stage before don't understand:

Once the game is rigged against BPD women (due to her mistakes and her true persona being visible to her partner) she will NEVER accept male victory because for her the sheer fact that you are fighting and you are threating her is the sign that you're not her submissive and ultimately castrated prince on the white hourse anymore and it triggers her emergency mode, gathering resources behind your back and preparing for war and/or leaving you. Because she will never allow you to maintain upper hand. It's revolting idea for her really.

She will leave you when the opportunity will arise and your advantage will end if you won't procede with the divorce - first other guy in her radar, beta male that will accept her for what she will present him to be, will give her ability to monkey-branch from you. BPD women don't hold any emotions other than contepmt for men that don't treat them 'good' in their understanding of that word.

That is something I hadn't considered. After reading Rollo's books and other resources, I felt I had it at least somewhat figured out. I was able to diffuse arguments I was never able to in the past and felt I finally had the upper hand. But you're right. It's may be a false sense of confidence that will hurt me in the end.

I'm fairly certain she has been hiding money (so have I). She get's aggressive and is still 'prepping' for the divorce.

She has plenty of "orbiters" ready to move her in and marry her at the drop of the hat. But she tells me it's a turn off for them to be so forward. Which is understandable. We will see what happens.

It will be always "your fault" and she's making you to see like you're the crazy ones... It called gaslighting.. Such as to the extent from these PD person can go.
I strongly suggest you seeing your theraphist alone afterwards to avoid future difficulties.

I've been able to recognize that lately. Claiming I needed medication for my depression (I saw a doctor, they said medication could help, but wasn't' necessary, as I didn't have suicidal thoughts). Claiming that the police put down in their report that I was "mentally unstable" the night I had her arrested for domestic violence (which doesn't make any sense, I was calm and just talked to the sheriff). She complains to my family and her friends, making it out that I'm clearly the bad guy.

Get away from her and take your daughter with you. Don't let your daughter grow up with a narcissist. Force a personality diagnosis of her through so you can use evidence of her narcissism and the negative effect it'd have for your daughter as a battering ram to get custody and a good settlement.

I will talk to my lawyer and see what they can do. The house is in her parents name, and I'm already off the lease. I don't have a stable place for my daughter at the moment. I own my own business, but it isn't that lucrative. I stayed there temporarily when she initially kicked me out of the house. That's my major hurdle at the moment, securing a place. I live in southern california, so living arrangements aren't cheap. My family is out of state and not much of an option.