Girlfriend wanted to go to Amsterdam.

[RyanAD]

I've been with my girlfriend for 8 months now. we're incredibly close, have met and spent alot of time with each other's families etc (we're both 21).
Today when we were talking, she brought up the fact that some of her friends had asked her to go to Amsterdam with them. She then said "but I said no, I don't think you would be happy with me going anyway", I replied "yeah, I probably wouldn't be". She then got annoyed, going down the route of 'I wouldn't do anything bad', 'if i were to go it would just be for a good time with the girls'.

Now, I've done all of that stuff a few years ago before getting into a relationship; including Amsterdam and everything that comes with it. I told her that the reason I would be unhappy with her going is that I know what the place is. It's not the 'city of culture' that some people seem to think it is. It's an adult's playground of legalised drugs, prostitution, partying, and everything else, and that even though i'm confident she wouldn't do anything bad, I fail to understand why you would want to go to a place like that when you have no intention of taking part in any of that stuff, especially when in a relationship.

In fact, She was actually with me literally just a week ago when my friend's asked the EXACT same thing, to go to Amsterdam with them. I turned it down, purely due to the fact that i'm in a relationship and I feel like it wouldn't be appropriate.

How can she be upset with that explanation, especially considering that I turned down the exact same invitation.

 

[lamath]

This is a **** test, ignore, sidestep or just say would not go but she is her own person and can decide for herself.
Don't argue or fight with her, just go do something else a leave her untils she has forgoten about it

 

[RyanAD]

This is a **** test, ignore, sidestep or just say would not go but she is her own person and can decide for herself.
Don't argue or fight with her, just go do something else a leave her untils she has forgoten about it

I would say maybe, But I really do not think at all she is the type to throw **** tests at me deliberately (unless women sometimes do it unconsciously?). It literally seems to be the case that she said no to her friends, but got genuinely annoyed because I agreed with her reasons for saying no, because it seems 'controlling'.

 

[RyanAD]

This is a **** test, ignore, sidestep or just say would not go but she is her own person and can decide for herself.
Don't argue or fight with her, just go do something else a leave her untils she has forgoten about it

In other words, she just anticipated that I would be unhappy with it, so said no. Then when she confirmed that I would've been unhappy with it, wasn't happy with that.

 

[highSpeed]

This is a **** test, ignore, sidestep or just say would not go but she is her own person and can decide for herself.
Don't argue or fight with her, just go do something else a leave her untils she has forgoten about it

That may or may not work. If her friends keep pinging her about it, he's not going to get any piece or peace. She wants his approval, both of them knowing what the city is, so that she can go and do what she wants guilt free. Or she's getting ready to leave the relationship, this is a great way to not only setup a fight for an exit or do the dear john when she's there or the "Whoops I got drunk and did x or did this person" type of drama. Finally, if this I want to do this and he doesn't like it type of dynamic becomes a regular thing, it's just going to build up resentment anyway, which sets the stage for a blow up fight, end of the relationship type of thing. No matter how you slice it, this is probably only the beginning of, "the girls want me to do this, are you ok with me doing it too?" Dumb question for sure, but she's hoping most likely, to leverage the relationship that she's got him in to behave badly. Believe me, it only gets worse as you get deeper in the relationship.

 

[RyanAD]

That may or may not work. If her friends keep pinging her about it, he's not going to get any piece or peace. She wants his approval, both of them knowing what the city is, so that she can go and do what she wants guilt free. Or she's getting ready to leave the relationship, this is a great way to not only setup a fight for an exit or do the dear john when she's there or the "Whoops I got drunk and did x or did this person" type of drama. Finally, if this I want to do this and he doesn't like it type of dynamic becomes a regular thing, it's just going to build up resentment anyway, which sets the stage for a blow up fight, end of the relationship type of thing. No matter how you slice it, this is probably only the beginning of, "the girls want me to do this, are you ok with me doing it too?" Dumb question for sure, but she's hoping most likely, to leverage the relationship that she's got him in to behave badly. Believe me, it only gets worse as you get deeper in the relationship.

To me, It seems to be the case that she's not really interested in going anyway; but isn't happy that if she did want to go that I would be unhappy with it.

 

[AJ84]

I've been with my girlfriend for 8 months now. we're incredibly close, have met and spent alot of time with each other's families etc (we're both 21).
Today when we were talking, she brought up the fact that some of her friends had asked her to go to Amsterdam with them. She then said "but I said no, I don't think you would be happy with me going anyway", I replied "yeah, I probably wouldn't be". She then got annoyed, going down the route of 'I wouldn't do anything bad', 'if i were to go it would just be for a good time with the girls'.

Now, I've done all of that stuff a few years ago before getting into a relationship; including Amsterdam and everything that comes with it. I told her that the reason I would be unhappy with her going is that I know what the place is. It's not the 'city of culture' that some people seem to think it is. It's an adult's playground of legalised drugs, prostitution, partying, and everything else, and that even though i'm confident she wouldn't do anything bad, I fail to understand why you would want to go to a place like that when you have no intention of taking part in any of that stuff, especially when in a relationship.

In fact, She was actually with me literally just a week ago when my friend's asked the EXACT same thing, to go to Amsterdam with them. I turned it down, purely due to the fact that i'm in a relationship and I feel like it wouldn't be appropriate.

How can she be upset with that explanation, especially considering that I turned down the exact same invitation.

It’s a sh*t test.
But.
She’s 21 and wants to go on holiday party with her girlfriends.
She’s 21.
If it’s not Amsterdam it will be some other city because.....
She’s 21 and wants to go on a holiday party with her girlfriends.
Just because you’ve done that and maybe got it all out of your system, doesn’t mean she has.
Perhaps you are both not on the same page about what your relationship should entail. And I bet most of your friends and her’s are not in serious relationships at 21 right?

 

[Mazer]

She wants to go and was hoping you would say yes. You did not and she will now hold it against you. Next, she will be asking you if it’s okay if she has dinner with her ex. Good luck and I hope you are spinning plates because there is a world of hurt in your future with this woman. She is also 21.My woman wouldn’t have to ask me if she can go on a girls trip, I have never told her that she couldn’t, she’s never asked but she just knows that it wouldn’t fly with me.

 

[RyanAD]

That may or may not work. If her friends keep pinging her about it, he's not going to get any piece or peace. She wants his approval, both of them knowing what the city is, so that she can go and do what she wants guilt free. Or she's getting ready to leave the relationship, this is a great way to not only setup a fight for an exit or do the dear john when she's there or the "Whoops I got drunk and did x or did this person" type of drama. Finally, if this I want to do this and he doesn't like it type of dynamic becomes a regular thing, it's just going to build up resentment anyway, which sets the stage for a blow up fight, end of the relationship type of thing. No matter how you slice it, this is probably only the beginning of, "the girls want me to do this, are you ok with me doing it too?" Dumb question for sure, but she's hoping most likely, to leverage the relationship that she's got him in to behave badly. Believe me, it only gets worse as you get deeper in the relationship.

It’s a sh*t test.
But.
She’s 21 and wants to go on holiday party with her girlfriends.
She’s 21.
If it’s not Amsterdam it will be some other city because.....
She’s 21 and wants to go on a holiday party with her girlfriends.
Just because you’ve done that and maybe got it all out of your system, doesn’t mean she has.
Perhaps you are both not on the same page about what your relationship should entail. And I bet most of your friends and her’s are not in serious relationships at 21 right?

Yeah, exactly correct. The funny thing is that if I wanted to go, she would say ok. I would love to go party with my friends in Amsterdam (obviously not cheating though), but I won't simply because I feel it would be inappropriate for me to do so, even though I know I would never be unfaithful. I have no issues turning down things like that, I just happily accept that it comes with a relationship. I still get plenty of time to hang with the boys without stuff like that, just as she gets plenty of time to hang with her girls without it.

 

[marmel75]

In the end she will do what she wants and then will watch your reaction

 

[highSpeed]

To me, It seems to be the case that she's not really interested in going anyway; but isn't happy that if she did want to go that I would be unhappy with it.

If she truly wasn't interested in going, she wouldn't have brought it up and certainly wouldn't have gotten mad. Even so, what happens when something else questionable comes up that she definitely wants to go to? She's not going to let you say no and listen, so what are you going to do then?

 

[highSpeed]

Yeah, exactly correct. The funny thing is that if I wanted to go, she would say ok. I would love to go party with my friends in Amsterdam (obviously not cheating though), but I won't simply because I feel it would be inappropriate for me to do so, even though I know I would never be unfaithful. I have no issues turning down things like that, I just happily accept that it comes with a relationship. I still get plenty of time to hang with the boys without stuff like that, just as she gets plenty of time to hang with her girls without it.

See you get it, it's the optics of it. Even if you went, had no intention of cheating, let her know that, it looks questionable if she can't see everything that went on. You know that, don't want to set a bad precedent in your relationship and don't want to create a situation where your honor comes into question. That's what a sane, sensible person in a serious relationship who wants to stay in that relationship would do. If she feels the same, why is she making this an issue?

 

[RyanAD]

See you get it, it's the optics of it. Even if you went, had no intention of cheating, let her know that, it looks questionable if she can't see everything that went on. You know that, don't want to set a bad precedent in your relationship and don't want to create a situation where your honor comes into question. That's what a sane, sensible person in a serious relationship who wants to stay in that relationship would do. If she feels the same, why is she making this an issue?

Good point. I'll put it like that to her tomorrow. She accepted that I wouldn't be happy with her going and agreed not to go, But I was trying to explain why. I didn't want the situation to be left on a kind of 'I say no and that's that'. I wanted her to understand that while i do trust that she would never do anything bad there (I know she wouldn't), sometimes things just are not appropriate in a relationship, regardless of how good her intentions are.

 

[highSpeed]

Good point. I'll put it like that to her tomorrow. She accepted that I wouldn't be happy with her going and agreed not to go, But I was trying to explain why. I didn't want the situation to be left on a kind of 'I say no and that's that'. I wanted her to understand that while i do trust that she would never do anything bad there (I know she wouldn't), sometimes things just are not appropriate in a relationship, regardless of how good her intentions are.

You're trying to put a good spin on things, I get it. Look, even if you had no intention to do anything, things do happen. You get drunk and your inhibitions go down. You get high, same thing. You end up sleeping with some other chick. Now you've got that in your relationship. The same thing could happen to her. You realize that and you realize that even if something didn't happen, it looks like it could have. That's why you're not going, because stupid things happen sometimes when you put yourself in that position and things look bad sometimes, even when nothing is going on.

She knows all of this and for some reason, is unhappy because you didn't blindly accept that the girls wanted her to go, even when she had no intention of going but still brought it up for some reason. This is a stupid disagreement to have and she's behaving badly, the well goes deeper on this one I'm sure.

 

[RyanAD]

You're trying to put a good spin on things, I get it. Look, even if you had no intention to do anything, things do happen. You get drunk and your inhibitions go down. You get high, same thing. You end up sleeping with some other chick. Now you've got that in your relationship. The same thing could happen to her. You realize that and you realize that even if something didn't happen, it looks like it could have. That's why you're not going, because stupid things happen sometimes when you put yourself in that position and things look bad sometimes, even when nothing is going on.

She knows all of this and for some reason, is unhappy because you didn't blindly accept that the girls wanted her to go, even when she had no intention of going but still brought it up for some reason. This is a stupid disagreement to have and she's behaving badly, the well goes deeper on this one I'm sure.

Yeah well this is the issue, because if she can't see the logic in that point of view then what? because that's going to lead to worse things down the road. More disagreements, worse situations. This girl is 99% perfect, and we're deep into this relationship now. Hell, I hang out with her dad and help her sister prep for law school.

 

[Ranger]

I wouldn’t have addressed it when it came up. I would have just asked if there was a question in there.
I find the best way to handle $hit tests for me is to not say anything to a statement. Now if she asks a question then address it with your truth.
A $hit test is designed to get you to dive into the context of the test.
“My friends asked me to go to Amsterdam but I said no.” That is a statement. Not a question. By putting them in a position to have to ask you a question changes the situation. You are no longer reactive. Now she has made a statement so the onus is on her.

Here was the trap. You commented on a statement. Then you threw out a position that now goes up against social programming. This is fuel for her girlfriends to use on her.
“How controlling!”, “He’s just insecure. You’re coming.”
Yada, Yada, it flies up against the feminine imperative. You have given up your frame and allied up her social circle against you, potentially.
Do you see it?

 

[RyanAD]

I wouldn’t have addressed it when it came up. I would have just asked if there was a question in there.
I find the best way to handle $hit tests for me is to not say anything to a statement. Now if she asks a question then address it with your truth.
A $hit test is designed to get you to dive into the context of the test.
“My friends asked me to go to Amsterdam but I said no.” That is a statement. Not a question. By putting them in a position to have to ask you a question changes the situation. You are no longer reactive. Now she has made a statement so the onus is on her.

Here was the trap. You commented on a statement. Then you threw out a position that now goes up against social programming. This is fuel for her girlfriends to use on her.
“How controlling!”, “He’s just insecure. You’re coming.”
Yada, Yada, it flies up against the feminine imperative. You have given up your frame and allied up her social circle against you, potentially.
Do you see it?

Yeah I definitely see that point. Thing is, I know for a fact that if I had gone ahead and just said 'oh yeah cool, good decision', It would come up again in 2 months; 'oh they're asking me about it again', 'oh we've been looking at hotels'. I'd rather just answer what I know she's really implying now rather than leave it and have to deal with it once she's had time to come to the conclusion that I'm not that bothered about it because I never paid any attention to it.

 

[Ranger]

Yeah I definitely see that point. Thing is, I know for a fact that if I had gone ahead and just said 'oh yeah cool, good decision', It would come up again in 2 months; 'oh they're asking me about it again', 'oh we've been looking at hotels'. I'd rather just answer what I know she's really implying now rather than leave it and have to deal with it once she's had time to come to the conclusion that I'm not that bothered about it because I never paid any attention to it.

Yeah it’s past the point of no return. It would be “ok cool” not “ok cool, good choice.”
That is the wrong womaneeze communication. That would make it worse. Might as well put your own head in a guillotine.

 

[RyanAD]

Yeah it’s past the point of no return. It would be “ok cool” not “ok cool, good choice.”
That is the wrong womaneeze communication. That would make it worse. Might as well put your own head in a guillotine.

Not sure if i'm better off arguing this with her or slamming my head in a door... women eh?

 

[Ranger]

If you just acknowledge her communication and shut your mouth, any decision she makes is completely on her.
By stating a position to her COMMENT, you are now set up to be the impetus for her actions.
Inother words, she didn’t like that you didn’t say “oh sure honey, go.” That now is is a weapon and justification to become more and more resentful each day. She will take it over the top and it’s now about showing you who’s who. Do you see how that works?