By now I’m nearly fully packed, multiple lines and glasses of wine deep into the solo session of journey embarkment. I had an epiphany, Sara told me long ago when she moved in and we originally started getting close, her phone password is her bday, now knowing that hear this:
She came home from work tipsy and tired (I apparently kept her up last night (sex is a two-way street, fool)) and passes out on my expensive leather corner sofa, I only mention it’s expensive because of my desire to tell an accurate, detailed story plus my penchant for babbling while being high on coke be that in person or over text.
Anyway, I shut my living room door, carefully place my Air Max 97’s and two rustly, noise making plastic bags outside by the living room door, if she wakes, I’ll hear it, I’m going covert, I’m Bourne when he didn’t that thing that one time, no I’m Bond, with gadgets at my disposal... What im really like is Macaulay Culkin foiling Joe Pesci with some paint tins swinging from a bannister, but if I’m honest, I’m really just an over thinker with an overactive imagination and obsessive nature.
I go to my room, shut my door, whip out her phone, tap in her birthday, I’m in, of fvcking course I am. I phone 7, how the fvck do I get back to the home screen, I’m on fvcking google, I google “iphone 7 phone screen” from my phone in my right hand with hers in my left (so resourceful) boom it’s done, WhatsApp (of course), my heart racing like a pathetic child caught wanking to slowly losing porn images on a 56k modem circa 1999. Nothing of note, no recent dudes, no reason to get mad (we are not together, I have no reason to be doing this full stop! (Period!)).
I search TOM, the guy she brought back to my place her first month here, and who I saw text her a couple months ago which she swore was innocent (again, not together), some of you may remember that drama. Nothing recent, flicked straight back to October 2018 (like the obsessive detail orientated freaking I am, calibrate with my WhatsApp and Sara’s chats from the same time period). Nothing, meeting for drinks, bags of coke, usually back for when I am home or thereabouts, few after work drinks, no sexual banter or innuendo, nothing.
Rustle... she’s up, fvck, I locked the phone and I come out my room and greet her in the kitchen, play like I’m packing and moving clothes and sh1t to my suitcase. Go back to my room, grab her phone and plant it in the kitchen. Heart still racing, adrenaline, no I didn’t survive a stabbing, shootout or robbery but I was doing something I shouldn’t so for all intents and purposes, the feelings are exaclty the same.
Anyway she lays back down, calls out “how long was I asleep” I immediately shout back “20 minutes” it was more like an hour, now, I know I simply locked the phone when she woke meaning, on entry, Toms WhatsApp messages will still be up, probably frOm circa September 2018 (sadly that’s alI got up to) and it will be suspicious. She falls back asleep I try to re-nter her phone and the password is changed. Fvck. She either knows I snooped or suspects, either way I’m fvcked, but either way I don’t give 2 sh1ts.
I have a mountain of cocaine, will pack, then proceed to wake her up, alert her with coke, smash, be on my merry way to Miami.
Conclusion: reading her messages revealed that she’s a closed book to everyone, I genuinely am the only person she opens up to. I know this reads like a novel and tbh I’ve wasted a good 5 minutes of buzz on this so I’ll leave it here and see you all on the flip. I’ll make sure I take vids and pics of my adventure and post anything non self incriminating.