How to avoid being suck in the Drama.

[lamath]

Not sure how to handle things atm
I feel like she is her to suck me in her frame and drama

Recent separation i broke things up 2 week ago ( was with her for 10+ year 2 young kid) was almost mutual.
Ofc im way better off then her, never felt this good in a long time and i know i made the right decision


So far our interaction are ok but im afraid an incoming **** storm.
She is imo a good mother but i feel like she is using the kids as a pretex to get into contact with me then start and try to manipulate and create conflict/drama.


So we had a meeting Saturday night to discuss and settle down a few things mostly regarding our kids (logistic, finance etc)
Things where going good but after about 2 hrs of discussion i felt like we where done and i was getting restless ( it was my best friend birthday party and i wanted to get there at a decent time) and then she started getting piss at me because she could feel i wanted to be elsewhere. This is not important to you we are doing this for the kids etc...

So like a moron i stayed an other 10 min trying to explain that its ok and that ill stay longer and discuss more.
I left when i notice that nothing could be done and that she had already boarded the crazy train (crying and still being pissed at me).
Got outside to get into my car and i could still hear her crying ( Crying that loud is not normal imo sign of crazy ) ofc i felt bad about it probably what she wanted.
After thinking about it i feel like she was trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad.
I fear this might just be the beginning

I cant NC her because of the kids
Her mental health is important to me because of the kids

So what should i do?

Leave at first sign of drama conflict?

Just told her to not contact me if she cant control her feelings.

 

[Spaz]

Things will turn for the worse when you don't take charge of a situation.

In this case, she initiated and you reacted.

Each time you react, it's either from a defensive perspective or agreeing with her.

I would suggest you set an agenda in point form 1st before meeting up.

Example;

Agenda : Kids

1. Fetching kids from school (Mon & Wed u fetch)
2. Weekly activities ( Alternate Saturdays u do ur daddy stuff)
3. Money ( Weekly $200 per child)
4.
5.

Make sure that you send this in advance to her or if she's initiating the meet then get her to make a similar agenda.

If she's agreeable with the agenda then meet if not then ask her to add in what she wants to discuss. When you both come to an agreement on the agenda then meet up at an appointed date/time, it's important to set a time frame on the duration (30 minutes should be okay).

You control the frame and it will no longer be her.

 

[lamath]

Things will turn for the worse when you don't take charge of a situation.

In this case, she initiated and you reacted.

Each time you react, it's either from a defensive perspective or agreeing with her.

I would suggest you set an agenda in point form 1st before meeting up.

Example;

Agenda : Kids

1. Fetching kids from school (Mon & Wed u fetch)
2. Weekly activities ( Alternate Saturdays u do ur daddy stuff)
3. Money ( Weekly $200 per child)
4.
5.

Make sure that you send this in advance to her or if she's initiating the meet then get her to make a similar agenda.

If she's agreeable with the agenda then meet if not then ask her to add in what she wants to discuss. When you both come to an agreement on the agenda then meet up at an appointed date/time, it's important to set a time frame on the duration (30 minutes should be okay).

You control the frame and it will no longer be her.

Things are actualy better now
Im trying not to be in contact with her, and when she start stupid **** i say w/e and leave or i just hang up if on the phone

 

[The Duke]

Create some boundaries/expectations and define them. When they get crossed the conversation stops. Keep it business like along the lines of what Spaz mentioned.

 

[Focal core]

Create some boundaries/expectations and define them. When they get crossed the conversation stops. Keep it business like along the lines of what Spaz mentioned.

This and the kids are better off without drama (of the two of you)

 

[sazc]

It's totally okay to verbalize that, when the conversations go on to long, things get emotional and head towards being unproductive and, therefore, you are going to cap meetings at 2 hours and insist on a pre agreed upon list of discussion topics. Get her buy in.

If you wander off the topics, gently steer her back on.

It's really the only way to keep things healthy and productive

 

[lamath]

It's totally okay to verbalize that, when the conversations go on to long, things get emotional and head towards being unproductive and, therefore, you are going to cap meetings at 2 hours and insist on a pre agreed upon list of discussion topics. Get her buy in.

If you wander off the topics, gently steer her back on.

It's really the only way to keep things healthy and productive

We had a list but she was never satisfy that we were done.

I think she now knows i wont tolerate BS.


In a way this is a reflection of the relationship, her getting mad/sad for all kind of stupid stuff and then me getting into her drama frame.



I m handling things better now, i still do believe i get suck in too easily into an argument/conflict but im better that i was before

 

[sazc]

We had a list but she was never satisfy that we were done.

I think she now knows i wont tolerate BS.


In a way this is a reflection of the relationship, her getting mad/sad for all kind of stupid stuff and then me getting into her drama frame.



I m handling things better now, i still do believe i get suck in too easily into an argument/conflict but im better that i was before

Acknowledge to her "I know we are not done but I want to take a break so things don't get heated, that's why I have a 2 hour limit on discussions, let's meet again in x days to continue the discussion"

 

[Focal core]

The way i read lamath post it seems shes too unstable to be rational on, dont walk on the eggshells or tip toeing on landmines better of for your sanity. Have the conversation only you have feel better to talk and at absolute short conversation.

 

[lamath]

The way i read lamath post it seems shes too unstable to be rational on, dont walk on the eggshells or tip toeing on landmines better of for your sanity. Have the conversation only you have feel better to talk and at absolute short conversation.

She got some issue. but overall i dont think she is that bad, she did not take the separation too well.

But she has always been a bit of a AW and her view of a relationship as always been one where she gets lots of attention.
Im not the kind of guy that give much attention to a women, i think in the long run that made her really resentful.


Was reading about daddy issue.I'm like she has a great dad no way that's her problem.
But now i see 2 things her Dads is AFC af and does everything his wife tell him to do and do the same with my ex.
And i think that entitlement to attention from her dad is a big probleme


I think overall if i would have handle her better at the start a better dynamic would have been establish.
I got some issue too, Im like the procrastination king lol

 

[Focal core]

She got some issue. but overall i dont think she is that bad, she did not take the separation too well.

But she has always been a bit of a AW and her view of a relationship as always been one where she gets lots of attention.
Im not the kind of guy that give much attention to a women, i think in the long run that made her really resentful.


Was reading about daddy issue.I'm like she has a great dad no way that's her problem.
But now i see 2 things her Dads is AFC af and does everything his wife tell him to do and do the same with my ex.
And i think that entitlement to attention from her dad is a big probleme


I think overall if i would have handle her better at the start a better dynamic would have been establish.
I got some issue too, Im like the procrastination king lol

Whatt? Do you think this breaking up is permanent or temporary? She still wants you obviously, and you are put off by her immaturity, maybe got bored with her as she sounds as clingy.. Maybe you guys should time sometime apart from each other (i never believed in taking time off whatsoever) but this could be it.

 

[lamath]

Whatt? Do you think this breaking up is permanent or temporary? She still wants you obviously, and you are put off by her immaturity, maybe got bored with her as she sounds as clingy.. Maybe you guys should time sometime apart from each other (i never believed in taking time off whatsoever) but this could be it.

Its Final

I should have broken things up a long time ago i knew we where not compatible.
All the people i knew are telling me we were not a good match, and i know they are right.

I felt suffocated with her.

There is too many thing in her personalities that is not compatible with me and she cant change it all.

No sex since idk when, she has gotten real fat because of bad eating habit and she dont exercise at all.
and you know what thats not even the reason i left her.

Her lack of respect pushed me over the edge( always questioning my judgment/decision and always thinking she knew better than me)
I had warned her many time that i would not tolerate it.

Im an ez going guy. too often i took the ez way and let her take some decision in my place( i think it got to her head)

 

[Focal core]

Its Final

I should have broken things up a long time ago i knew we where not compatible.
All the people i knew are telling me we were not a good match, and i know they are right.

I felt suffocated with her.

There is too many thing in her personalities that is not compatible with me and she cant change it all.

No sex since idk when, she has gotten real fat because of bad eating habit and she dont exercise at all.
and you know what thats not even the reason i left her.

Her lack of respect pushed me over the edge( always questioning my judgment/decision and always thinking she knew better than me)
I had warned her many time that i would not tolerate it.

Im an ez going guy. too often i took the ez way and let her take some decision in my place( i think it got to her head)

Uggghhh thats gotta hurt pain in the ass.. Glad youre out.

 

[Von]

Its Final

I should have broken things up a long time ago i knew we where not compatible.
All the people i knew are telling me we were not a good match, and i know they are right.

I felt suffocated with her.

There is too many thing in her personalities that is not compatible with me and she cant change it all.

No sex since idk when, she has gotten real fat because of bad eating habit and she dont exercise at all.
and you know what thats not even the reason i left her.

Her lack of respect pushed me over the edge( always questioning my judgment/decision and always thinking she knew better than me)
I had warned her many time that i would not tolerate it.

Im an ez going guy. too often i took the ez way and let her take some decision in my place( i think it got to her head)

Sounds like my previous break up of after 5 years.... She'll get over it but you'll go through a maestrom of emotions first and her crying ALOT.

You need Frame and a Solid Structure, Keep solid but respectful and polite (it will be hard and your behaviour will make her wonder why you broke up with her... however, it's mandatory to do that to ensure a future ''after'' that is positive for the kids)

Kiss her on the fore-head and leave when she gets wild (crying and stuff) while respecting your frame and meeting goal (agenda points). Stick to it

She might come with points to keep you around... Deal with it from a distance, keep only the essentials on a face to face meeting (in person).

Also, prepare the field mentaly for her in advance (so she deals with her emotions before hand, letting the meeting to be civil and capable of going forward.

 

[lamath]

Sounds like my previous break up of after 5 years.... She'll get over it but you'll go through a maestrom of emotions first and her crying ALOT.

You need Frame and a Solid Structure, Keep solid but respectful and polite (it will be hard and your behaviour will make her wonder why you broke up with her... however, it's mandatory to do that to ensure a future ''after'' that is positive for the kids)

Kiss her on the fore-head and leave when she gets wild (crying and stuff) while respecting your frame and meeting goal (agenda points). Stick to it

She might come with points to keep you around... Deal with it from a distince, keep only the essentials on a face to face meeting (in person).

Also, prepare the field mentaly for her in advance (so she deals with her emotions before hand, letting the meeting to be civil and capable of going forward.

Ive been very civil so far.
What could be seen as being rude is i told her numerous time that im really happy with my decision and that im happier than ever.
I want her to know im not coming back and i dont want to deal with a big broke down from her.

I was unsure about leaving her at first but from a distance i m wondering why i did not see that leaving was the only choice for me.

 

[Spaz]

Acknowledge to her "I know we are not done but I want to take a break so things don't get heated, that's why I have a 2 hour limit on discussions, let's meet again in x days to continue the discussion"

2 hours is too long.

45 minutes is the maximum needed for optimal results, anything more will inadvertently lead to useless chattering.

 

[lamath]

2 hours is too long.

45 minutes is the maximum needed for optimal results, anything more will inadvertently lead to useless chattering.

That i agree even 45 min is too long for my ADD
more like 30min

 

[Spaz]

That i agree even 45 min is too long for my ADD
more like 30min

Agree.

Personally from experience, any serious discussions will only take 10-30mins.

Usually ends at 15 mins if there's an agenda.

 

[lamath]

Agree.

Personally from experience, any serious discussions will only take 10-30mins.

Usually ends at 15 mins if there's an agenda.

Yep after it its just a time waster and nothing more gets done.
She used to get mad at me because i could not stand long useless talk.

Usually goes like she talks 2 min i get everything i need to know( but she need 2hr to explain obv lol)
So for me discussion is over, so after that i only hear blah blah blah.....

I always blame ADD,but seriously it make me more productive, but often piss people off because because i interupt get bored real fast

 

[lamath]

Kiss her on the fore-head and leave when she gets wild (crying and stuff) while respecting your frame and meeting goal (agenda points)

I like that one and the msg it sends