Do you bring up that her online dating profile is still online?

[RickTheToad]

I hadn't logged in a for a few weeks, but last time I did, her profile was not online. For some reason I just got the urge to check, so I logged in again and her profile was visible. I know we've only been seeing each other for almost 3 months, and we did discuss if either was having sex with others, so she said no. I am a little taken back. Do I just let it slide and pay no attention? She's been texting me for a few hours already, I've not responded as I am a bit shocked. My mind is telling me I cannot bring it up as it's a pvssy move, but not sure what to do? I did look at her phone when she was with me for a few days, but no notifications. I am assuming she's smart enough to turn off notifications before she comes by. She also spent yesterday cooking for me as well. I know, as recently as two weeks ago, she wasn't active, but again, it bothers me.

 

[marmel75]

Pay attention to her actions. She is spending time and doing things for you. Whether her profile is online or not is irrelevant to what is going on. Are you going to follow her around and make sure she isn't giving out her number to dudes while walking around the city too?

I dont worry or care about that type of thing but if you want to bring it up then bring it up. I can promise it makes you look insecure as fvck tho which is very unattractive.

 

[RickTheToad]

Pay attention to her actions. She is spending time and doing things for you. Whether her profile is online or not is irrelevant to what is going on. Are you going to follow her around and make sure she isn't giving out her number to dudes while walking around the city too?

I dont worry or care about that type of thing but if you want to bring it up then bring it up. I can promise it makes you look insecure as fvck tho which is very unattractive.

No, of course not. I just thought it was strange. She also reaches out multiple times a day. I think I'm just going to become more unavailable. Just a bit shocked that she reactivated her profile. That is all. She now asks for my advice on opinions on different things and what to do. Going to back off on that stuff too.

 

[Mazer]

Medium interest. My recent plate who has extremely high interest removed her OLD profile three weeks after we started dating. She actually gave me her password to her phone and told me to google search some info for her on the phone. I would never do such a thing haha.
Has she been pushing for exclusivity? Any talk about furthering things along, ex. meeting her and your friends? My gut is telling me she is keeping her options open and she isnt all in. I sense that your gut is telling you the same. Spinning plates is critical here. It will help distance yourself (emotionally) and possibly increase her attraction.

 

[marmel75]

Actively seeking new men is an action lol. Now he knows he's a placeholder. Changes everything.

Not really. Her profile might have been active last time and for whatever reason it didn't show. The assumption that these dating sites are some type of "tracker" is a dangerous one to make.

If this woman isn't a girlfriend then I'm not seeing what the problem is to begin with. OP you can't have your cake and eat it too. After 3 months most women are either going to want something more than meeting up and banging or they will find someone who is willing to give them that.

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing if you are just keeping things casual, but you have to know thats not going to work forever for most women.

Women have certain checkpoints at various times in relationships and depending on their decisions at these checkpoints things either continue or they don't. Seems you are coming up to one of these checkpoints possibly.

 

[RickTheToad]

Medium interest. My recent plate who has extremely high interest removed her OLD profile three weeks after we started dating. She actually gave me her password to her phone and told me to google search some info for her on the phone. I would never do such a thing haha.
Has she been pushing for exclusivity? Any talk about furthering things along, ex. meeting her and your friends? My gut is telling me she is keeping her options open and she isnt all in. I sense that your gut is telling you the same. Spinning plates is critical here. It will help distance yourself (emotionally) and possibly increase her attraction.

On halloween she wasn't acting nice and was really pissing me off. She wanted to come back to my place, but I'd have to drive her home, so I dropped her off at her place and said good night. She messaged me later asking what was wrong and if she did anything, I said it's all good. Good night.

On Thursday, she went to a place we visited and picked up a sexy outfit and texted me the picture. Asking me what do you think. I was surprised she went back and purchased it. That night she baked some things and offered for me to come over, I declined. She pushed a little more and I said if you want to drive to my place, that would be okay, and she did. That was the night where we had the condom fiasco. We didn't see each other until this past Friday, and she drove over and stayed unit Monday. We had sex each day and she cooked a few things for me. She says that I am hard to figure out, but is growing closer and more trusting to me. She's shared a lot about her family and friends, but I'm still quiet on a lot of things. Just giving nibbles here and there. She always contacts me first, I never reach out, but reply when I have time. She shares intimate things about her family issues and asks for my opinion. So, not sure what to make of it. I've also spoken to her mother a few times and her mother made me some food that this lady gave to me. So, before this, I thought there was some substance building. I guess I need to take a step back and reorganize. I did freak out a bit about the condom breaking, so maybe that changed her opinion of me. Who knows.

I just logged back in, and she's still a match, but she's no longer in general search. Not sure if she saw that I looked at her profile. Nothing changed, but to say I am surprised, would be be an understatement. Going to back away and slow my responses back to her. We didn't make any plans for this weekend, and I will keep it like that. I already have a few ladies that reached out to me, and 41 new likes. It would be nice if I didn't have to go through these games.

 

[RickTheToad]

Actively seeking new men is an action lol. Now he knows he's a placeholder. Changes everything.

It makes me question her actions. It's not a good place to be as I will then put her on the back burner.

Not really. Her profile might have been active last time and for whatever reason it didn't show. The assumption that these dating sites are some type of "tracker" is a dangerous one to make.

If this woman isn't a girlfriend then I'm not seeing what the problem is to begin with. OP you can't have your cake and eat it too. After 3 months most women are either going to want something more than meeting up and banging or they will find someone who is willing to give them that.

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing if you are just keeping things casual, but you have to know thats not going to work forever for most women.

Women have certain checkpoints at various times in relationships and depending on their decisions at these checkpoints things either continue or they don't. Seems you are coming up to one of these checkpoints possibly.

I am not going to bring up exclusivity, so that is her job. I also know I cannot bring this up either. I was off the dating site, but I had a gut feeling to check, so I did.

 

[marmel75]

On halloween she wasn't acting nice and was really pissing me off. She wanted to come back to my place, but I'd have to drive her home, so I dropped her off at her place and said good night. She messaged me later asking what was wrong and if she did anything, I said it's all good. Good night. Next night she baked some things and offered for me to come over, I declined. She pushed a little more and I said if you want to drive to my place, that would be okay, and she did. That was the night where we had the condom fiasco. We didn't see each other until this past Friday, and she drove over and stayed unit Monday. We had sex each day and she cooked a few things for me. She says that I am hard to figure out, but is growing closer and more trusting to me. She's shared a lot about her family and friends, but I'm still quiet on a lot of things. Just giving nibbles here and there. She always contacts me first, I never reach out, but reply when I have time. She shares intimate things about her family issues and asks for my opinion. So, not sure what to make of it. I've also spoken to her mother a few times and her mother made me some food that this lady gave to me. So, before this, I thought there was some substance building. I guess I need to take a step back and reorganize.

I just logged back in, and she's still a match, but she's no longer in general search. Not sure if she saw that I looked at her profile. Nothing changed, but to say I am surprised, would be be an understatement. Going to back away and slow my responses back to her. We didn't make any plans for this weekend, and I will keep it like that. I already have a few ladies that reached out to me, and 41 new likes. It would be nice if I didn't have to go through these games.

You are gaming yourself in this situation in my opinion. Why would you care what she is doing when you arent exclusive?

 

[RickTheToad]

You are gaming yourself in this situation in my opinion. Why would you care what she is doing when you arent exclusive?

Not sure. Maybe I am. Again, I will sit back and see how it plays out. I was just surprised I guess.

 

[marmel75]

Because it shows low interest. Interest doesn't spike just because her options dry up and she settles for you, you just get a low il GF.

She isn't his GF thats the whole point.

 

[marmel75]

But, she never should become his GF either. Thats OPs point.

I'm not saying she should. I'm just saying OP is approaching a checkpoint with this chick and it appears she might be looking for another option. But since its not his GF and is just meeting and banging whats the problem? Just keep meeting and banging.

Why is OP trying to act like they are exclusive when they aren't? Can't have it both ways.

 

[RickTheToad]

We agree on the solution, but it's not so simple when the girl is playing "brand new" and trying to get you to overinvest while devaluing you secretly. In such a situation it's more important to emphasize the urgency with which he needs to emotionally permanently detach from this girl rather than act like he's in no danger. "Well we weren't exclusive" is classic emotional vampire technique.

Exactly. She contacts me all the time, and then this. It's hard to even consider GF material when you find she's still on OLD, so it puts us back at square one. I can detach, I am just tired of ladies just sticking around for 2 - 3 months and then starting to play these games. It seems that how long a lot of them last. Thought this would be a bit more as there seemed some substance, but I guess not. I'll just hang back and see.

Before she left yesterday, she said you're complicated and hard to figure out. You seem a bit stretched financially and such. She brought that up because we went shopping for food, and I didn't want to spend 10 bucks for something I can get somewhere else. I picked it up at the second store for a bit less and it was fine. I said it wasn't that I am stretched, I'm getting by. I just didn't like that brand. I didn't think it was a big deal.

 

[marmel75]

We agree on the solution, but it's not so simple when the girl is playing "brand new" and trying to get you to overinvest while devaluing you secretly. In such a situation it's more important to emphasize the urgency with which he needs to emotionally permanently detach from this girl rather than act like he's in no danger. "Well we weren't exclusive" is classic emotional vampire technique.

This only happens when the guy is overinvested in the women and expecting something that he shouldnt be expecting based on the type of relationship they are engaged in.

OP wants defacto exclusivity from her even tho they arent exclusive. Then he gets hurt because she is showing signs she isn't exclusive with him when he thinks she should be even tho they are not.

Honestly this is kind of weak behavior. OP should not be caring what she is doing because the relationship is what it is and it isnt what it isn't. OP should only be concerned with meeting and banging and should be having other women to worry about. OP have you stopped seeing other women, thereby making yourself defacto exclusive and expecting she would do the same?

 

[RickTheToad]

The other question is what do I do/say when she asks me about things and what to do on things? She just texted me again asking what are my feelings on something?

 

[RickTheToad]

This only happens when the guy is overinvested in the women and expexting something that he shouldnt be expecting based on the type of relationship they are engaged in.

OP wants defacto exclusivity from her even tho they arent exclusive. Then he gets hurt because she is showing signs she isn't exclusive with him whwn he thinks she should be even tho they are not.

Honestly this is kind of weak behavior. OP should not be caring what she is doing because the relationship is what it is and it isnt what it isn't. OP should only be concerned with meeting and banging and should be having other women to worry about. OP have you stopped seeing other women, thereby making yourself default exclusive and expecting she would do the same?

See ladies occasionally, but took a break as the last one wouldn't stop talking about having my babies and drive around my place. It was really weird. This one also was a cop, so it was a bit concerning. The outfit is sexy and stuff, but she always had a loaded gun with her.

 

[resilient]

Instead of getting caught up in what she is and isn’t doing... let’s take a look at things you can direct in your life right now: you.

I’m going to ask you a series of a few uncomfortable questions to steer the focus off of her and on what your inner wants and needs are:

-What is it about her profile being online reappearance on match that bothers you?
-Are you afraid that she may drop you for a perceived upgrade once a branch is lined up?
-Are you afraid if she meets someone else that you won’t do better (for now)?
-Beyond the packing heat cop, do you have other plates in the bullpen?
-Aside from dating, how else is everything in your life going?
-Do you see your family and friends when you’re not with her?
-Do you have and thrive in your hobbies/interests?
-Are you genuinely happy with your life?
-Are you kicking a$s and taking names at work/business?
-Are you still in shape physically?
-Are you eating well?

One of our greatest risk is looking to the other person for personal fulfillment.... without getting preachy, that must come from a higher source and the will within.

Aside from the grocery story, it seems like your financial house is in order and is good. Nothing wrong with being prudent and frugal when the situation arises. She seems concerned about your pullback behavior since she text you about your feelings. You can sweep things under the rug now, but eventually you’ll want to communicate what’s bothering you for better trust, connection, and feeling understood and respected mutually. There has to be tact in how you approach it so it doesn’t come off as insecurity.

If neither of you are in agreed exclusivity, you both have an equal right to keep profiles up and window shop IMHO.

Lastly, if she doesn’t continue to get her emotional met in the relationship, she may look elsewhere. That’s the risk we poise, when we detach too well. A perfect balance has to be struck...

 

[Desdinova]

I logged in again and her profile was visible. I know we've only been seeing each other for almost 3 months

...and that's why meeting women online for LTR purposes is a bad idea. They keep their profile up "just in case" or they genuinely enjoy the attention they get from other men, even if they won't ever date any of them. For most women, online dating is like a pit they can never get out of. When I was doing online dating, I would see the same women on there over and over again. The decent women go on there, get a few desperate messages from guys, and then delete their profile.

If you want a fvck toy, then online dating is a great place to find some.

 

[AJ84]

Female prespective: You’re saying that you don’t initiate texts, you give her ‘nibbles’ while she shares stuff with you, she said you’re hard to figure out but seems to be trying understand where she stands with you by reaching out, asking your opinion on things etc.
And you’re not giving much by your own account.
So why the hell would she not keep her options open? If she isn’t really sure after three months?
People are commenting on her low interest (the woman who is cooking, texting and sexing you regularly - low interest ok) but honestly all I see is your low interest so is it any wonder here that her profile is still up? Why would you not consider how your own behaviour may be influencing hers? If you actually like her, Initiate some texts, give a bit a more than a nibble?
Otherwise why should she hang on to something that she may not be sure of? Would you?
And you’re still on the site too no? You’re logging in so I assume so. So.....there’s that...

 

[marmel75]

Female prespective: You’re saying that you don’t initiate texts, you give her ‘nibbles’ while she shares stuff with you, she said you’re hard to figure out but seems to be trying understand where she stands with you by reaching out, asking your opinion on things etc.
And you’re not giving much by your own account.
So why the hell would she not keep her options open? If she isn’t really sure after three months?
People are commenting on her low interest (the woman who is cooking, texting and sexing you regularly - low interest ok) but honestly all I see is your low interest so is it any wonder here that her profile is still up? Why would you not consider how your own behaviour may be influencing hers? If you actually like her, Initiate some texts, give a bit a more than a nibble?
Otherwise why should she hang on to something that she may not be sure of? Would you?
And you’re still on the site too no? You’re logging in so I assume so. So.....there’s that...

I agree with much of this. The game you use to get you into a relationship at some point doesn't work anymore to maintain the relationship.

 

[Ranger]

Female prespective: You’re saying that you don’t initiate texts, you give her ‘nibbles’ while she shares stuff with you, she said you’re hard to figure out but seems to be trying understand where she stands with you by reaching out, asking your opinion on things etc.
And you’re not giving much by your own account.
So why the hell would she not keep her options open? If she isn’t really sure after three months?
People are commenting on her low interest (the woman who is cooking, texting and sexing you regularly - low interest ok) but honestly all I see is your low interest so is it any wonder here that her profile is still up? Why would you not consider how your own behaviour may be influencing hers? If you actually like her, Initiate some texts, give a bit a more than a nibble?
Otherwise why should she hang on to something that she may not be sure of? Would you?
And you’re still on the site too no? You’re logging in so I assume so. So.....there’s that...

This is why I don’t agree with a lot of PUA stuff that floats around here. There’s no real interaction. How can you influence her frame and mold it and let her glide into yours if you don’t engage her?

I don’t understand some of this stuff at times. I think they are meant to be learning tools until you just finally drop them possibly.
However, there is no investment being done. To get her to invest, you give just enough for her to taste then let her come get the rest.

Defining that line between what to say and what’s too much is a matter of experience.