Made an embarrassing approach and pissed at myself

[sangheilios]

Earlier this afternoon I decided to approach a woman that was blatantly checking me out. When I first walked up to her she had a huge smile on her face and was clearly glad that I approached. At first the conversation was going well but then I got to a point where I literally went blank and couldn't think of anything to say at all. I literally was silent for a while, felt like maybe 5 or 10 seconds, and I could see what was once interest disappear as she awkwardly looked down and away. I tried to salvage it by re initiating the conversation but it wasn't the same and I could feel the awkwardness, so instead of asking her out I just walked away to not further embarrass myself.

I was angry at myself the rest of the afternoon for going blank like that, especially with a woman who seemed to be interested at first. I've been having such a bad streak lately that I feel like each one of these approaches that go wrong for me influences the next one and I don't know how to break this pattern I seem to be stuck in.

 

[sangheilios]

Any advice on how to improve my game?

 

[TheProspect]

Hey, you made an approach though. That's the important part.

You're not going to manage every approach every time with flawless social mastery. Internalize that and give yourself a pat on the back for even making the approach, a lot of men are governed by so much fear they are unable to do what you just did.

You can look at this through the perspective of someone who failed and fvcked up, or through the perspective of someone who's developing a skill (approaching & talking to women) many men lack the courage to even practice.

Even home run hitters go through periods of strikeout after strikeout. Dust yourself off, forget about the last strikeout, and don't let a poor perspective keep you from believing you can knock the ball out of the park.

I don't know how to break this pattern I seem to be stuck in.

Sometimes there's no particular action needed, no secret game method to be learned. Sometimes you just got to accept when you're in a rut. Fortunately, ruts are temporary. Time, patience, and positive perspective are your friends in this situation.

Keep putting yourself out there and you'll naturally hone your skills.

 

[sangheilios]

Hey, you made an approach though. That's the important part.

You're not going to manage every approach every time with flawless social mastery. Internalize that and give yourself a pat on the back for even making the approach, a lot of men are governed by so much fear they are unable to do what you just did.

You can look at this through the perspective of someone who failed and fvcked up, or through the perspective of someone who's developing a skill (approaching & talking to women) many men lack the courage to even practice.

Even home run hitters go through periods of strikeout after strikeout. Dust yourself off, forget about the last strikeout, and don't let a poor perspective keep you from believing you can knock the ball out of the park.



Sometimes there's no particular action needed, no secret game method to be learned. Sometimes you just got to accept when you're in a rut. Fortunately, ruts are temporary. Time, patience, and positive perspective are your friends in this situation.

Keep putting yourself out there and you'll naturally hone your skills.

Thanks, man, I'm really hard on myself with this but I need to keep all of what you said in mind. I was a very late bloomer to dating and women and had some traumatic experiences in high school and my late teens, constantly criticized and told I wasn't good enough to get a gf, so this is hard for me.

 

[ohrein]

You approached which is good. Don't let the bad experiences stop you from doing that. I'm also impressed that you gauged her reaction (seemingly accurately!) before approaching. This is something a lot of guys miss.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up. Building up confidence takes time. I think if you're struggling with conversation that's all it is. What you talk about is mostly unimportant, it's how you talk about it. You want to have that swagger, confidence and humor. So try not to overthink about what you're going to say. Keep conversations light.

That said, if you ever freeze again just ask her about something she's wearing. If she's got some interesting earrings on, ask about those. If she's got a nice dress on ask about that. Talk about the location you're in and the vibe. You want to circle to something emotional and with stories to keep a woman engaged. She'll have memories attached to clothing and places so try to find that. It's the easiest thing I can think of if you get stuck.

 

[Stoic]

Keep approaching until it comes second nature, like breathing. Do whatever you can to build confidence.

 

[sangheilios]

You approached which is good. Don't let the bad experiences stop you from doing that. I'm also impressed that you gauged her reaction (seemingly accurately!) before approaching. This is something a lot of guys miss.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up. Building up confidence takes time. I think if you're struggling with conversation that's all it is. What you talk about is mostly unimportant, it's how you talk about it. You want to have that swagger, confidence and humor. So try not to overthink about what you're going to say. Keep conversations light.

That said, if you ever freeze again just ask her about something she's wearing. If she's got some interesting earrings on, ask about those. If she's got a nice dress on ask about that. Talk about the location you're in and the vibe. You want to circle to something emotional and with stories to keep a woman engaged. She'll have memories attached to clothing and places so try to find that. It's the easiest thing I can think of if you get stuck.

Honestly, it really wasn't a bad experience since she was actually pleasant to speak with and seemed sweet/nice.

The freeze was embarrassing, a lot of times when I approach women for the first time I have a feeling like being on stage doing a speech or presentation. I'm not sure if she actually lost interest in me because of that but I felt so awkward at that point I was more concerned with embarrassing myself by asking her out, so I opted to just make an exit. I had excused myself by saying that it was nice to meet her and left.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Any advice on how to improve my game?

Whenever something like that happens, here's what you do.

Find a place to WRITE everything down as soon as possible. Write down the thing she and you said leading up to the awkward silence. Then think of five or ten things you COULD HAVE SAID, and write those down.

If you do this after every interaction, each one subsequent one will be better. Get the idea out of your head that each interaction is do or die, and instead consider the idea that each interaction is merely practice for the next.

Once you start to actually FEEL that (this interaction is practice for the next) you'll start to experience detached outcome. Just like swinging away in the batting cages.

 

[marmel75]

Maybe next time just tell her you have to be going and grab her number quicker?

 

[Bible_Belt]

I misread the thread title and at first, thought OP was embarrased because he p!ssed on himself during an approach. That would be embarrassing. But merely striking out without peeing on yourself should leave one with nothing to be embarrassed about.

 

[sangheilios]

Whenever something like that happens, here's what you do.

Find a place to WRITE everything down as soon as possible. Write down the thing she and you said leading up to the awkward silence. Then think of five or ten things you COULD HAVE SAID, and write those down.

If you do this after every interaction, each one subsequent one will be better. Get the idea out of your head that each interaction is do or die, and instead consider the idea that each interaction is merely practice for the next.

Once you start to actually FEEL that (this interaction is practice for the next) you'll start to experience detached outcome. Just like swinging away in the batting cages.

I will reflect upon each of these approaches and interactions in my head and come up with a few ideas as to what I could have done or said. I started posting on this forum relatively recently and feel like writing about my approaches is very helpful for me, as it gives me a record I can look back on as well as receive input from other men on here.

 

[sangheilios]

Maybe next time just tell her you have to be going and grab her number quicker?

The conversation was going really well and the unexpected freeze came out of nowhere and I didn't know what to do. I try to talk to them for at least a few minutes, assuming I'm never going to see them again, and go from there. I've done approaches with strangers that resulted in the conversation going for quite some time, to me that is a sign of pretty decent "chemistry" from the start.

Also, I'm naturally not a very spontaneous person so this is something I've been having to work on.

 

[sangheilios]

I misread the thread title and at first, thought OP was embarrased because he p!ssed on himself during an approach. That would be embarrassing. But merely striking out without peeing on yourself should leave one with nothing to be embarrassed about.

LOL I still do get nervous when I approach women, I don't know if it is obvious to them or not though but it feels like my hands and feet are shaking.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Good for you for approaching. There are some on SS that are so chickens*hit they couldn't approach if their life depended on it--and keep posting about it over and over and over (hint, BD17).

Your dilemma happens to everyone. Some women don't make it easy by being super silent or shy, so you have to have a loose game plan going in. I usually think about what I'll ask her and talk about in advance and humor is a great option too. Be observant about what she's wearing or where you're at.

I recently did this at my gym with a really hot fit girl about 20 years younger. She was pounding the heavy bag like Rocky Balboa and had great punching form. Later, she worked her way near me when working out. I casually strolled up to her and pulled my ear bud out. She immediately did the same with a big smile. I asked her if she had training because she could really punch. She said no but was obviously flattered. High IOI. I talked about some of the boxing gyms in town and one in particular that was run by a female Olympic boxer. I said she should check it out, the owner is a friend of mine. She immediately grabbed her phone and Googled the gym. After a bit more chit chat I told her I had to get back to my workout but if she went pro, I'll only take 20% of her earnings as her manager. She burst out laughing. Next day I saw her checking me out from afar. Maybe I'll go for the knockout punch next time, but I really just wanted to get to know her a bit first, "soften her up with my jab" to use boxing terms. No rush. I'll see her again.

You can also try the "peel the onion" technique and ask a follow-up question about what she tells you. Just don't go rapid fire or turn it into a job interview, be open, friendly, and a little c*ocky and you'll have her.

Finally, don't linger. If you feel the vibe after 10 minutes or so, get the number and get the hell out of there. If she shoots you down, be polite and say no problem with a smile on your face. Be polite next time you see her.

Good luck!

 

[Billtx49]

LOL I still do get nervous when I approach women, I don't know if it is obvious to them or not though but it feels like my hands and feet are shaking.

Self confidence happens with a history of doing. Realize your current conversational time span limit, go for the number within that limit, and gradually stretch the time envelope with each new approach …

 

[curtsilv]

Earlier this afternoon I decided to approach a woman that was blatantly checking me out. When I first walked up to her she had a huge smile on her face and was clearly glad that I approached. At first the conversation was going well but then I got to a point where I literally went blank and couldn't think of anything to say at all. I literally was silent for a while, felt like maybe 5 or 10 seconds, and I could see what was once interest disappear as she awkwardly looked down and away. I tried to salvage it by re initiating the conversation but it wasn't the same and I could feel the awkwardness, so instead of asking her out I just walked away to not further embarrass myself.

I was angry at myself the rest of the afternoon for going blank like that, especially with a woman who seemed to be interested at first. I've been having such a bad streak lately that I feel like each one of these approaches that go wrong for me influences the next one and I don't know how to break this pattern I seem to be stuck in.

Just quickly get her phone number next time. "I gotta get going but we should hang out some time." Then hand her your phone.

Flaking, ghosting, girls going cold, that's all just normal stuff.

I just ran into a girl I number closed a couple of weeks ago. She "ghosted" my texts after initially being responsive. Guess what? She works the door at one of my favorite bars! So I'll be seeing a lot more of her from now on! I'm super nice and cheerful towards her but she is super sketch and anxious around me. When she saw me again it was like she saw a ghost! So funny! Turns out she has a pretty face, but pretty "thick" which I suspected last time but confirmed just a couple nights ago.

I ran into another girl I soft rejected (meaning I chose another girl over her to go home with). She was not overtly angry at the time. I saw her again literally days after and she was petrified. She literally froze in her tracks.

Everyone gets nervous and anxious. That's just the way it is.

 

[sangheilios]

Just quickly get her phone number next time. "I gotta get going but we should hang out some time." Then hand her your phone.

Flaking, ghosting, girls going cold, that's all just normal stuff.

I just ran into a girl I number closed a couple of weeks ago. She "ghosted" my texts after initially being responsive. Guess what? She works the door at one of my favorite bars! So I'll be seeing a lot more of her from now on! I'm super nice and cheerful towards her but she is super sketch and anxious around me. When she saw me again it was like she saw a ghost! So funny! Turns out she has a pretty face, but pretty "thick" which I suspected last time but confirmed just a couple nights ago.

I ran into another girl I soft rejected (meaning I chose another girl over her to go home with). She was not overtly angry at the time. I saw her again literally days after and she was petrified. She literally froze in her tracks.

Everyone gets nervous and anxious. That's just the way it is.

This was a spontaneous "day game" approach, so the chances of me ever running into her again are pretty slim to none, though anything is possible I guess.

 

[sangheilios]

Good for you for approaching. There are some on SS that are so chickens*hit they couldn't approach if their life depended on it--and keep posting about it over and over and over (hint, BD17).

Your dilemma happens to everyone. Some women don't make it easy by being super silent or shy, so you have to have a loose game plan going in. I usually think about what I'll ask her and talk about in advance and humor is a great option too. Be observant about what she's wearing or where you're at.

I recently did this at my gym with a really hot fit girl about 20 years younger. She was pounding the heavy bag like Rocky Balboa and had great punching form. Later, she worked her way near me when working out. I casually strolled up to her and pulled my ear bud out. She immediately did the same with a big smile. I asked her if she had training because she could really punch. She said no but was obviously flattered. High IOI. I talked about some of the boxing gyms in town and one in particular that was run by a female Olympic boxer. I said she should check it out, the owner is a friend of mine. She immediately grabbed her phone and Googled the gym. After a bit more chit chat I told her I had to get back to my workout but if she went pro, I'll only take 20% of her earnings as her manager. She burst out laughing. Next day I saw her checking me out from afar. Maybe I'll go for the knockout punch next time, but I really just wanted to get to know her a bit first, "soften her up with my jab" to use boxing terms. No rush. I'll see her again.

You can also try the "peel the onion" technique and ask a follow-up question about what she tells you. Just don't go rapid fire or turn it into a job interview, be open, friendly, and a little c*ocky and you'll have her.

Finally, don't linger. If you feel the vibe after 10 minutes or so, get the number and get the hell out of there. If she shoots you down, be polite and say no problem with a smile on your face. Be polite next time you see her.

Good luck!

Yeah, she definitely kind of had that shy vibe going to her, looking back I don't think it was so much disinterest but rather her being a bit anxious. She was pretty open during the conversation when I was asking her questions but it was hard to get to that point at first. When the awkward silence started, which really wasn't that big of a deal, I think I had lost some of that momentum and her being a bit awkward/shy didn't help the situation much.

I'm capable of making some really good approaches and having awesome first conversations but it's with women who make it easy for me, as in they'll ask questions back and don't require as much time to get warmed up. I feel like women like this, shyer types, probably wouldn't respond very well to spontaneous conversations and cold approaches because of this.

As you mentioned, with women you will see again I feel it's better to do an approach and work on building rapport over a couple conversations. Using the gym as an example, which I have done several times, I feel it's better to do an initial approach but without asking for a number or date. Depending on the vibe you go for the second or maybe third time, but after that I think you've waited for too long.

 

[The Duke]

Don't forget that these girls still need to do their part. Its not all about them like some think it should be.

 

[devilkingx2]

Earlier this afternoon I decided to approach a woman that was blatantly checking me out. When I first walked up to her she had a huge smile on her face and was clearly glad that I approached. At first the conversation was going well but then I got to a point where I literally went blank and couldn't think of anything to say at all. I literally was silent for a while, felt like maybe 5 or 10 seconds, and I could see what was once interest disappear as she awkwardly looked down and away. I tried to salvage it by re initiating the conversation but it wasn't the same and I could feel the awkwardness, so instead of asking her out I just walked away to not further embarrass myself.

I was angry at myself the rest of the afternoon for going blank like that, especially with a woman who seemed to be interested at first. I've been having such a bad streak lately that I feel like each one of these approaches that go wrong for me influences the next one and I don't know how to break this pattern I seem to be stuck in.

It's not at all your fault dude. It's normal to not have an infinite amount of things to say and ridiculous if she lost interest because you needed a moment to think lol.