I'm too nice please tell me to toughen up.

[stefan24]

Hi,

I found this forum and I'm looking for advice.
I don't want to blow my own trumpet but I have a pretty freaking awesome job, I own my house, have more money than I can spend in a month. But one aspect of my life is just completely bent out of shape, I suck at relationships. Well this isn't completely true I suck at the one I like, I broke up my ex of 6 years a couple of years ago and that still ripped my heart out and I've dated a good number of women the ones I don't care about I sleep with and generally abandon but the ones I like I fall to pieces and turn into a nice guy it pisses me off.

The main thing is I start worrying if they're going to leave me and this has to lead to a few instances over the years of checking and this has lead to a swift end to whatever was happening. What can I do to get my **** in check and emotions under control? I hate the feeling of giving over my emotions to women when I don't give a **** they love me when I do they want to leave.

Any advice I wanna hear it, I need to sort this out as it's getting boring.

 

[R.U.G.]

Toughen up. Stop caring so much. If you think the relationship is about to end, it's best to just walk away before the "talk". Stop catering to her needs or what needs you think she wants. Contact only a once a week, but respond to all of her texts and calls hour plus later. She calls, chat for a bit, say you got to get back to working on a project or something. Look busy, but it's better to actually be busy. Stop investing yourself into her life, she should want to invest in yours. Don't try to solve her problems, let her solve them for herself. LISTEN to what she's saying and then expand. Be mysterious and aloof. If you call once a week, skip a week.

Need to man up and stop worrying. What will be will be. However, if you see signs of failure, and you ask what's wrong and how can I "fix it", that will actually push her away. The one who cares less in the relationship has the power. Whatever you watch on TV or the movies, do the opposite. Life is not a John Hughes film.

 

[stefan24]

The one who cares less in the relationship has the power.

This is so freaking true. Thanks for the advice having things spelled out in and not sugar coated really helps. For things to get better I need to stop doing some weak behaviors it just not working. I am a nice person by default but in terms of women this is making my life worse and I just feel weak if I'm at work I don't put up bull**** but in relationships, this goes out of the window.

 

[R.U.G.]

No reason to stop being a nice person. A nice person and a nice guy are two completely different things. I am a nice person; well, my employees think I am a prick, but in general I am a nice person. However, just do not let someone confuse you being nice as a weakness. I am nice and kind to all the women I date, as well as to others. However, I am not overly nice as bend over backwards or do/pay for things just because. Once you are not getting anything out of the relationship, you leave. However, you can be nice about it. In other words, don't be a yes dear door mat. Read this book and it will give you a better idea of what a nice guy is, and how not to be one. No More Mr. Nice Guy. Prob. a good idea to read The Rational Male as well. They will help you with your frame.

Again, nice person = good. nice guy = doormat / bad. In other words, do not put up with anyone's sh!t; especially a woman you are trying to have sex with.

 

[stefan24]

This is the aspects I'm struggling with I am nice but this is viewed as weakness overtime the attraction women feel for me starts to go away and this puts me on the back foot. I don't overly chase anymore which is a good thing but it's the feeling of losing something which just bites into my core I hate it and I don't know what to do about it, mostly I just become passive which isn't working either. I guess this is about as honest as I've been about this but I need to get my **** together as I can't and won't spend the rest of my life in the same loop.

 

[Marek]

Have you read the classic on the subject matter?
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/97642.No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy

 

[Glassguy]

1. Do what benefits you and what you like doing
2. Dont chase relationships. Instead set up fun dates that lead to sex. Let the woman worry about relationships.

 

[stefan24]

Have you read the classic on the subject matter?

Yes but I don't think I've learnt the lessons. Reading and actually doing something are two different things, I need to start doing.

 

[stefan24]

1. Do what benefits you and what you like doing
2. Dont chase relationships. Instead set up fun dates that lead to sex. Let the woman worry about relationships.

I have no idea why the idea of a relationship is important having sex is awesome with a hot women but I seem to have got my compass all messed up.

 

[R.U.G.]

This is the aspects I'm struggling with I am nice but this is viewed as weakness overtime the attraction women feel for me starts to go away and this puts me on the back foot. I don't overly chase anymore which is a good thing but it's the feeling of losing something which just bites into my core I hate it and I don't know what to do about it, mostly I just become passive which isn't working either. I guess this is about as honest as I've been about this but I need to get my **** together as I can't and won't spend the rest of my life in the same loop.

Experience will get you through this over time. Be nice, just not too nice. Don't be overly accommodative just to seek her approval. Throw some curve balls. Be willing to walk away. You care too much what they think of you. Why? You don't know them. Heck, you do not even really know if you want to have sex with them. Stop investing so much of your heart and thoughts about woulda, coulda and shoulda. Just work on yourself and not worry about women. You reach out, strike up a convo and see where it goes. If they ghost or say no, move on to the next.

 

[wifehunter]

If your priority is sex or getting laid...you put yourself at their mercy and likely will lose frame.

Try focusing your life away from women.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Yo Mr. Nice Guy quit bitching around and get it together already.

Chill the **** up, drink a fockin beer, hit the gym, spin some plates, and do something awesome.

 

[stefan24]

If your priority is sex or getting laid...you put yourself at their mercy and likely will lose frame.

I think I want to get laid so will have to keep dating! Why the hell didn't know about this before feel like I've been sleep walking for years.

 

[greatsnake]

it usually takes a chick or two to break someone, but this is my take:

1. Put yourself first
2. Do what you want, when you want
3. Don't be a pushover

 

[stefan24]

it usually takes a chick or two to break someone, but this is my take:

You would of thought but I've been clueless and crazy resilient so it's taken a while to get this sh*t in check.
I've been doing 1 and 2 of that list and failing at 3

 

[stefan24]

Yo Mr. Nice Guy quit bitching around and get it together already.

Definitely on the path now.

 

[Papa_smu]

Suck it up buttercup

There are old bastards in nursing homes laughing at you