Please help me restart my life in late 30s

[Nocturno]

Hey there,

This is probably going to be long but I'll do my best not to whine. I'm really here to try and do something about my situation, so I'm looking for any actionable advice the wiser people of my age could give me. And, I truly am grateful and very appreciative to whoever might read this long story through to its end.

Let me start on a bright note, with positives about myself: I'm reasonably tall (a hair under 6 feet), relatively good looking - or at least I thought so (full head of hair, heavily muscular due to gym - not 100% fit though, few grays - and I dye/cover them), hold a 6 figure white collar job, no debt and good invested savings; live alone in an OK looking rented downtown apartment, steps from the bars.

And now some bad things: I'm turning 37 now and undergoing a divorce (though we separated almost 2 years ago); have a 10 year old son I can't see very often; very stressful job that has me worrying about the future and leaving me with not much free time; no car due to frugal living and lack of real necessity. Furthermore, I am an immigrant (to Canada for now) from a less fortunate European country; while I'm probably not a visible minority, still I'm obviously different, especially when I speak. I suppose this makes me more low-status and women probably also assume that I am poor as while I dress okay, I wear no visible signs of wealth. Worst thing of all, I have a bit of a wooden personality, am very shy, and probably don't have much charm/sense of humor.

My sexual experience has been... peculiar. I went to a nerdy, defacto all-boys highschool, and had no contact with girls until age 21. Then, fortune smiled and a girl literally came at my door - she was a guest at my brother's birthday party - and we got together and dated for 3 years. Towards the end I had met my wife (this time I accompanied a friend to her birthday party, lol). It's been 13 years since then. So, up to age 36 I had only really had two girls, albeit for 15+ years. In the last year I had a brief affair and a one night stand, which brings my grand total to 4.

My marriage came to an end 2 years ago due to professional and lifestyle differences - she didn't cheat on me and I hold no grudge against her. She lives overseas now with my son and I have no contact with her. As I'm feeling very alone and really am a family man, I would like to find a new woman to marry and raise kids together - I don't mind one night stands and flings in the meantime, just to pass the time, but don't really consider them necessary.

Now for my questions:

- I have no friends as this is a new city for me, my coworkers are married or with long term girlfriends and hang out as couples. I didn't do anything interesting in life to provide for good online dating profile photos. I've never been to a bar alone, feel completely out of touch with today's music, fashion etc. and the setting itself seems downright scary.

- Online has been a total failure so far and is making me depressed. I had very few matches on Tinder, Bumble and OK Cupid, and ended up only going on one date. Though my photos aren't perfect (mostly being selfies and all) I really thought they weren't THAT bad so as to provide next to zero likes, so I'm totally confused as to what happened.
Things I haven't tried: premium memberships, paying a professional to get good photos of me (and maybe have the crew appear in the picture for "social proof"), having someone ghost-write my profile, etc. I know it is important to use humor, but my English isn't 100% perfect and it's hard to play with subtle nuances of the language, plus the humor in North America seems different (for instance, I hardly laugh at things girls put in their profiles, it seems like random nonsense to me. Don't think I could recreate that, anyway).

- I'd be potentially very interested in going to bars, but I don't have buddies and having never ever approached a woman in real life, I'm really not confident at all. Maybe I could start doing this later on though, I don't know.

- The more I think about it it seems paramount to find male friends, somehow. I'd love to have a company for every Friday night, to perhaps hit the bars together, and have my phone, dead for so long, be buzzing with texts, calls etc. But, at age 37, I have no idea how to get there.

My ideas so far:
- Switch to a Crossfit gym, perhaps meet some guy friends that way
- Start doing yoga, potentially meet female friends that way
- Join a dance class, for female friends and maybe a romantic interest.
- Maybe try an improv comedy class, to loosen up a bit, try and become more playful, hear some good jokes that I could use

What do you guys think?
Is there anything I could do better, especially with online dating?
Is there any opportunity I am missing, to expand my social circle and get some good guy friends?

Thank you so very much for any advice

 

[Ranger]

Best age ever to restart.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I stopped @ "wanting another woman to marry."

Mate, you've been mucking blue pills for far too long.

Www.Therationalmale.com

Buy his book or get it on audible. Spin plates. Have options. Select from abundance. Not the first busted single mom with thunder thighs who will have you.

 

[highSpeed]

I stopped @ "wanting another woman to marry."

Mate, you've been mucking blue pills for far too long.

Www.Therationalmale.com

Buy his book or get it on audible. Spin plates. Have options. Select from abundance. Not the first busted single mom with thunder thighs who will have you.

Going to have to agree with you, as much as I hate to. Women are far too empowered for their own good. It would be like asking your kid if they wanted chocolate sundays for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Of course they'd say yes but it's the parents that have to step in and say no. It would be great if society helped to create a real balance between men and women, that didn't allow women to run roughshod over men but unfortunately, that's where we are at. If someone can put together a scenario where it would be safe for men to marry a woman and balance the power between the two, I'd love to hear it.

 

[Nocturno]

I guess I've put it the wrong way - I am not desperate to marry, and would only do it under the right circumstances. (a reasonably attractive, reasonably successful woman in good mental health - and no kids from previous relationships, that is just me personally).
However, I do not hate women and would, at least, like to have some casual partners.
The first step is to rejoin human society somehow, especially in terms of friendships with other men. After the relative failure with online dating sites, that's my primary focus right now.

 

[Ranger]

Download audible and listen to the book DEZEDBRAH recommended.
The Rational Male
Trust we when I tell you right now. You are not healthy enough to have any type of relationship. Marriage will set your coffin nail.
You don’t know what you don’t know. Don’t be angry with women. They are only doing what they are programmed to do.

 

[Nocturno]

Thanks guys. I appreciate the suggestion and will read the book ASAP.

In the meantime, is there anything you could recommend as to how to connect with other men for healthy friendships, in a new city in the late thirties? There has got to be something I can do. All this loneliness can't be good for confidence and clear thinking.

 

[jaymbrs]

I recently moved to a new city and started over. First thing I did was go to as many sports bars that were in my area. I started making friends with some guys at those places and then became friends with some of their friends. It became a small network. Then I began receiving invites from them to go out to the bars, etc. Started meeting women that way. That's how it worked for me.

 

[jaymbrs]

BTW how are you making a six fgure salary but live frugal and don't have a car? That's an automatic turn off for both guys and girls. No one wants to hang out with that person who contributes little to nothing. You gotta be willing to spend a little. Not just on yourself either. Buy some rounds, pay for some Uber rides, etc.

 

[rber]

Ever heard of pickup? You could easily join a pickup community such as RSD which should be pretty much in every city in the world - or anything else, that's just what I'm familiar with. That way you get to easily meet new people and possibly establish friendships with men who are focused on self development and have the same goals as you, as well as motivate each other to hit on girls and learn from each other's experiences - develop together. Frankly I wouldn't call it a long-term plan, but it should throw you in the water fairly quickly, and from there you should be in a better position to choose how to proceed.

 

[Dingo]

 

[Dingo]

You have the right attitude... You'll do just fine.

You're not the first person to have gone thorough what you're going through. There a bunch of good guys here to help you along the way. Just don't get sucked into some of the drama that pops up from time to time.

Use the Search icon and look up issues or questions you might have... Super helpful stuff in the files.

Good luck.

 

[corrector]

Hey there,

This is probably going to be long but I'll do my best not to whine. I'm really here to try and do something about my situation, so I'm looking for any actionable advice the wiser people of my age could give me. And, I truly am grateful and very appreciative to whoever might read this long story through to its end.

Let me start on a bright note, with positives about myself: I'm reasonably tall (a hair under 6 feet), relatively good looking - or at least I thought so (full head of hair, heavily muscular due to gym - not 100% fit though, few grays - and I dye/cover them), hold a 6 figure white collar job, no debt and good invested savings; live alone in an OK looking rented downtown apartment, steps from the bars.

And now some bad things: I'm turning 37 now and undergoing a divorce (though we separated almost 2 years ago); have a 10 year old son I can't see very often; very stressful job that has me worrying about the future and leaving me with not much free time; no car due to frugal living and lack of real necessity. Furthermore, I am an immigrant (to Canada for now) from a less fortunate European country; while I'm probably not a visible minority, still I'm obviously different, especially when I speak. I suppose this makes me more low-status and women probably also assume that I am poor as while I dress okay, I wear no visible signs of wealth. Worst thing of all, I have a bit of a wooden personality, am very shy, and probably don't have much charm/sense of humor.

My sexual experience has been... peculiar. I went to a nerdy, defacto all-boys highschool, and had no contact with girls until age 21. Then, fortune smiled and a girl literally came at my door - she was a guest at my brother's birthday party - and we got together and dated for 3 years. Towards the end I had met my wife (this time I accompanied a friend to her birthday party, lol). It's been 13 years since then. So, up to age 36 I had only really had two girls, albeit for 15+ years. In the last year I had a brief affair and a one night stand, which brings my grand total to 4.

My marriage came to an end 2 years ago due to professional and lifestyle differences - she didn't cheat on me and I hold no grudge against her. She lives overseas now with my son and I have no contact with her. As I'm feeling very alone and really am a family man, I would like to find a new woman to marry and raise kids together - I don't mind one night stands and flings in the meantime, just to pass the time, but don't really consider them necessary.

Now for my questions:

- I have no friends as this is a new city for me, my coworkers are married or with long term girlfriends and hang out as couples. I didn't do anything interesting in life to provide for good online dating profile photos. I've never been to a bar alone, feel completely out of touch with today's music, fashion etc. and the setting itself seems downright scary.

- Online has been a total failure so far and is making me depressed. I had very few matches on Tinder, Bumble and OK Cupid, and ended up only going on one date. Though my photos aren't perfect (mostly being selfies and all) I really thought they weren't THAT bad so as to provide next to zero likes, so I'm totally confused as to what happened.
Things I haven't tried: premium memberships, paying a professional to get good photos of me (and maybe have the crew appear in the picture for "social proof"), having someone ghost-write my profile, etc. I know it is important to use humor, but my English isn't 100% perfect and it's hard to play with subtle nuances of the language, plus the humor in North America seems different (for instance, I hardly laugh at things girls put in their profiles, it seems like random nonsense to me. Don't think I could recreate that, anyway).

- I'd be potentially very interested in going to bars, but I don't have buddies and having never ever approached a woman in real life, I'm really not confident at all. Maybe I could start doing this later on though, I don't know.

- The more I think about it it seems paramount to find male friends, somehow. I'd love to have a company for every Friday night, to perhaps hit the bars together, and have my phone, dead for so long, be buzzing with texts, calls etc. But, at age 37, I have no idea how to get there.

My ideas so far:
- Switch to a Crossfit gym, perhaps meet some guy friends that way
- Start doing yoga, potentially meet female friends that way
- Join a dance class, for female friends and maybe a romantic interest.
- Maybe try an improv comedy class, to loosen up a bit, try and become more playful, hear some good jokes that I could use

What do you guys think?
Is there anything I could do better, especially with online dating?
Is there any opportunity I am missing, to expand my social circle and get some good guy friends?

Thank you so very much for any advice

I can relate. I went to an all boys High School too. At least you were lucky and met someone and dated for 3 years, I had no such luck at all and really waited until 7 years to start socially seeing some women friends, and another 5 years before dating someone. Hit the real jackpot back in 2012 where I saw a girl (i.e. no sex happened) and it played out like a romantic movie with a tragic ending, then abruptly end credits. (I got married 2 years later but that would be another sad story that I won't get into here).

It sounds like you have no experience at all with game. I always blame the all boys High School for everything wrong in the ladies department and lack of economic success. If you deal with girls in a co-ed environment then I think you would have had a better chance to succeed overall because 4 years of being segregated socially from women I think must hurt some of your brain's development to understanding girls. If you look at it, you only learned about subjects in High Schools and being social with other guys, but girls were not in the picture. That's like a form of torture. They should ban all boys schools and make everything coed.

I think the improv comedy class is the best and only choice from what you mentioned. If I were you that's what I'd pick and ace it. This would teach you to think on your feet and be more open to approaching girls and flirting with them.

Other ideas:
1) The GYM is best for exercise. People tend to mind their own business there and it's difficult to approach girls. You don't need more guy friends, you had enough in the all boys school (at least I had which has made me averse to this even today), you need to talk to as much women as possible to get comfortable with them. May be difficult in the GYM since most women have headphones on or are on their ipods texting away.
2) Yoga class sounds creepy. Don't go to there to look for women. It's looks obvious and desperate. You may just end up staring at their behinds and just oogle them.
3) Dance classes --- don't know. Wanted to try it in 2005 but didn't do it. I feel that there could be a catch involved when you are a desperate guy looking for a woman and trying these types of classes out. (i.e. there could be older women there, women may be taken, there may be more men than women in the class (i.e. you don't want to dance with another guy!). I'd be cautious.

You are not missing anything that I can see. Online dating sucks for 80% of guys unless you really look hot. Hypergamy and the dating market.

What you need is humour, confidence, wit in approaching and improv class is the best bet. I'd do it myself if I had the time and space (and of course $$$). You need to get out of your shell and take the bull by the horns.

 

[GT40]

Also read No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Glover
Great info there.
You were way to Blue Pill. Time to take the Red Pill and Alpha up man. You can do this. Age 37 is perfect for this. Lots of great info here and on the net.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Going to have to agree with you, as much as I hate to. Women are far too empowered for their own good.

Cut the empowered horse ****.

They are not. Its what coincides with the feminine solipsism. Quotas for fem firemen despite failing and being a **** up just kills that industry. Hiring a space cadet as a cop weakens the police force.

Make no mistake. If WWIII pops off, women will be back in the kitchen making sandwiches. Hiding behind the children.

**** that. Send the sluts to the front lines. I am out.

It would be like asking your kid if they wanted chocolate sundays for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Of course they'd say yes but it's the parents that have to step in and say no. It would be great if society helped to create a real balance between men and women, that didn't allow women to run roughshod over men but unfortunately, that's where we are at. If someone can put together a scenario where it would be safe for men to marry a woman and balance the power between the two, I'd love to hear it.

The tinder trap is a classic example of female perpetrator and victimhood on steroids. Its typical.

Imagine the fallout if in reverse: a man fakes being ridiculously good looking, lambo + mansion pics, and lures a bazillion women to time sq only to berate women and their hypergamy.

Again, women would be the victim.


How about men get a ****ing life outside being a plow horse **** for Tyrone's BBC booty call..

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I guess I've put it the wrong way - I am not desperate to marry, and would only do it under the right circumstances. (a reasonably attractive, reasonably successful woman in good mental health - and no kids from previous relationships, that is just me personally).
However, I do not hate women and would, at least, like to have some casual partners.
The first step is to rejoin human society somehow, especially in terms of friendships with other men. After the relative failure with online dating sites, that's my primary focus right now.

Wanting to plow is natty but society will pedal misogyny.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Ever heard of pickup? You could easily join a pickup community such as RSD which should be pretty much in every city in the world - or anything else, that's just what I'm familiar with. That way you get to easily meet new people and possibly establish friendships with men who are focused on self development and have the same goals as you, as well as motivate each other to hit on girls and learn from each other's experiences - develop together. Frankly I wouldn't call it a long-term plan, but it should throw you in the water fairly quickly, and from there you should be in a better position to choose how to proceed.

In my experience, most show up to free tour, and don't approach. Its absolutely pathetic. Taking action is mental masturbation, regurgitation of pickup theory they made up despite never seeing a vagina before.

I don't think you can expect to find a decent wing there anymore then you can find a decent woman on tinder.

Of course, attend Free tour, check inner circle, and swipe right @ life. Just don't hold your breathe.

 

[highSpeed]

Cut the empowered horse ****.

They are not. Its what coincides with the feminine solipsism. Quotas for fem firemen despite failing and being a **** up just kills that industry. Hiring a space cadet as a cop weakens the police force.

Make no mistake. If WWIII pops off, women will be back in the kitchen making sandwiches. Hiding behind the children.

**** that. Send the sluts to the front lines. I am out.



The tinder trap is a classic example of female perpetrator and victimhood on steroids. Its typical.

Imagine the fallout if in reverse: a man fakes being ridiculously good looking, lambo + mansion pics, and lures a bazillion women to time sq only to berate women and their hypergamy.

Again, women would be the victim.


How about men get a ****ing life outside being a plow horse **** for Tyrone's BBC booty call..

Ok, let's not use the word empowered. If it makes you feel better, let's use the word or phrase, they've got too much control. They took a situation where men may have had a slight advantage and "fixed" it by throwing it way in favor of the woman. What happens, and you can see this in any type of situation where the government is involved, they take a scenario where the law is being applied incorrectly or unfairly (read improperly) and "fix" it by going way in the opposite direction, down some rabbit hole that never should have been gone down, all in the name of being "fair and balanced."

What they accomplish, and this is unfortunately a very liberal trait, is the exact opposite of their stated intent. It's like trying to hammer in a nail with a jackhammer. You only need a hammer, a jackhammer actually breaks the structure you're trying to nail. And that's what liberals have done with family courts, divorce law, essentially anything to do with the contractual or legal relationship between men and women, they've broken the family. Men make mistakes but it has never been a situation where the state was actively involved in supporting men making a mistake. There were not laws in place that favored one sex over another in court, which is the case with women and modern family law. Women can screw the neighbor, take your kids, kick you out of the house and you have to pay for it all, completely supported by the state. There has never been a monolithic structure in place in this country that favored men in such a way.

You can never, ever, put women in charge of minding the store. You'll end up with society as a wreck if you do and that's what we are in the process of seeing, it's like a car wreck in slow motion and that's why most people are not up in arms, because we're slowly, at least at the beginning, destroying western society. Hopefully, we won't have to take a huge step back as a society to realize the mistake that we are making.

 

[rber]

In my experience, most show up to free tour, and don't approach. Its absolutely pathetic. Taking action is mental masturbation, regurgitation of pickup theory they made up despite never seeing a vagina before.

I don't think you can expect to find a decent wing there anymore then you can find a decent woman on tinder.

Of course, attend Free tour, check inner circle, and swipe right @ life. Just don't hold your breathe.

My experience was the complete opposite, so I highly disagree. I suppose it could go either way. I ended up hanging out with people who could do crazy sh!t and were drowning in top form vagina. Sure, there are very few people like that, but dedicate yourself to making connections in the pickup community for a period of time and you'll end up finding them. Frankly even the slow runners "served their purpose", since even they were committed to a certain point. Inevitably and unfortunately most people are lost cases (for many different reasons), I guess these are the ones you were referring to.

 

[rber]

Ok, let's not use the word empowered. If it makes you feel better, let's use the word or phrase, they've got too much control. They took a situation where men may have had a slight advantage and "fixed" it by throwing it way in favor of the woman. What happens, and you can see this in any type of situation where the government is involved, they take a scenario where the law is being applied incorrectly or unfairly (read improperly) and "fix" it by going way in the opposite direction, down some rabbit hole that never should have been gone down, all in the name of being "fair and balanced."

What they accomplish, and this is unfortunately a very liberal trait, is the exact opposite of their stated intent. It's like trying to hammer in a nail with a jackhammer. You only need a hammer, a jackhammer actually breaks the structure you're trying to nail. And that's what liberals have done with family courts, divorce law, essentially anything to do with the contractual or legal relationship between men and women, they've broken the family. Men make mistakes but it has never been a situation where the state was actively involved in supporting men making a mistake. There were not laws in place that favored one sex over another in court, which is the case with women and modern family law. Women can screw the neighbor, take your kids, kick you out of the house and you have to pay for it all, completely supported by the state. There has never been a monolithic structure in place in this country that favored men in such a way.

You can never, ever, put women in charge of minding the store. You'll end up with society as a wreck if you do and that's what we are in the process of seeing, it's like a car wreck in slow motion and that's why most people are not up in arms, because we're slowly, at least at the beginning, destroying western society. Hopefully, we won't have to take a huge step back as a society to realize the mistake that we are making.

Without law, I think by default men had the upper hand - due to them being the only ones capable of providing throughout history, their natural strength, etc. Add to that women's beauty (i.e. SMV) fading over time, their weakness and vulnerability.

Laws did give women an unfair and rather irrational amount of power in an attempt to balance things, so the once fragile women became drank on that power and it became their turn to abuse it.

I believe things will become more balanced over time. For instance, since women are now (at least in theory) as capable as men to provide for themselves, upon divorce - the side who makes more money needs to take care of the other side. (this takes care of the stay-home dad scenario, among other scenarios)

There're of course a ton of other injustices that need to be set right.

The downside is, I don't believe the current generation will get to enjoy the fruits of true equality, neither in terms of law nor the social impact it will have. In that aspect we're pretty much f*cked and have to come up with things like "red pill awareness", which, with a lot of effort, can help tip the scale for individual men.

If true equality will ever come to be, I wonder how the society shaped by it will look like.