Silence and distance....even if its your own fault?

[Designer Man]

of course it is to alleviate her burden! Has she been acting like a loving partner lately? No. Dont yu want to shack up with someone who is loving? Someone you dont have to question "is this for financial reasons?"

I hope not Saz! I hope it's more than that. Can only see how it goes. If it doesn't work I can always leave.

 

[Dash Riprock]

I promise I'm not gonna argue, I've been given a final chance to put things right

Wow, sounds like she's in command here. BAD place for a DJ to be. Do you get to sit at the table when you eat or will she feed you out of a bowl? I recommend you pursue other women unless you like saying "Yes, dear" and walking on eggshells.

Let me ask you this: Is what you're describing true MAN (not boy or beta) behavior?

 

[Designer Man]

Wow, sounds like she's in command here. BAD place for a DJ to be. Do you get to sit at the table when you eat or will she feed you out of a bowl? I recommend you pursue other women unless you like saying "Yes, dear" and walking on eggshells.

Let me ask you this: Is what you're describing true MAN (not boy or beta) behavior?

I grasp where you are coming from man. I mean, it's a fine line between becoming a doormat and taking responsibility and living with your partner. All I ask for is some intimacy and time together on our own doing stuff now and again.

If something needs doing in the house then I'm not just gonna sit back and not do it. We've both discussed the potential of getting somewhere together and she can put her house up for rent. Obviously this will give me more control and will be a better relationship dynamic.

I don't think it's gonna get to point where she is walking all over me and I don't think that is her intentions. Like I say, I'll do my share and help out as long as she also puts a shift in and helps me out if necessary.

 

[sazc]

I grasp where you are coming from man. I mean, it's a fine line between becoming a doormat and taking responsibility and living with your partner. All I ask for is some intimacy and time together on our own doing stuff now and again.

If something needs doing in the house then I'm not just gonna sit back and not do it. We've both discussed the potential of getting somewhere together and she can put her house up for rent. Obviously this will give me more control and will be a better relationship dynamic.

I don't think it's gonna get to point where she is walking all over me and I don't think that is her intentions. Like I say, I'll do my share and help out as long as she also puts a shift in and helps me out if necessary.

Know what I read? She's using you to further her financial goals.....

Once she gets her place rented out, and has an income stream and a bit of a financial buffer for the months it might be vacant, she's no longer going to need your help, and she can dispose of you however/whenever she wants

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Know what I read? She's using you to further her financial goals.....

Once she gets her place rented out, and has an income stream and a bit of a financial buffer for the months it might be vacant, she's no longer going to need your help, and she can dispose of you however/whenever she wants

If he's fvcking and only pay half expenses does he lose?

 

[Designer Man]

Know what I read? She's using you to further her financial goals.....

Once she gets her place rented out, and has an income stream and a bit of a financial buffer for the months it might be vacant, she's no longer going to need your help, and she can dispose of you however/whenever she wants

It was my idea ha and she's not entirely keen on the idea.

 

[Designer Man]

If he's fvcking and only pay half expenses does he lose?

Any relationship where the man is paying half and is helping around the house is a lose lose on SS, apparently.

 

[sazc]

If he's fvcking and only pay half expenses does he lose?

if he doesnt cover his arse, he sure does

 

[sazc]

Any relationship where the man is paying half and is helping around the house is a lose lose on SS, apparently.

men need to demand more from themselves than thinking if their noodle is going to get wet today

Men think about where you are going to be in a year, 2 years, 10 years and plan well. always evaluate what the impact of your decisions to day are going to be on your long term outlook. Will these decisions benefit you moving forward? or are you just looking to dip your dik?

Crazy will let you dip your dik, and she will accidentally get pregs and financially ruin you, while she benefits.

Always evaluate

 

[mrgoodstuff]

men need to demand more from themselves than thinking if their noodle is going to get wet today

Men think about where you are going to be in a year, 2 years, 10 years and plan well. always evaluate what the impact of your decisions to day are going to be on your long term outlook. Will these decisions benefit you moving forward? or are you just looking to dip your dik?

Crazy will let you dip your dik, and she will accidentally get pregs and financially ruin you, while she benefits.

Always evaluate

If he's not getting nobody pregnant, only paying half living cost and getting good sex that's not a bad situation.

 

[BeExcellent]

Same mindset. Understand the other side doesn't want her son's jerked around by it. Knows the traps and bull**** that a woman will disrespect you for doing even if she ask.

The above is true. I have a high school son who is now starting to date and I'm paying close attention to how he is handling himself socially (so far so good) but I was also married to a nightclub owner and embedded in the night game arena for many years from a business perspective and even now I am still a nightlife/social function person and I see relationship dynamics all the time that are cringe worthy and utterly avoidable by exercise of reasonable boundaries.

As to the the developments in the situation at hand: Hold your horses and THINK about this for a minute. I think it is a horrible idea to move back in with this woman. I agree with @sazc and others that she is using you to ease her financial burden while also having you in close proximity where she can basically lock you down socially and cut off whatever other dating options you might have. Fabulous from her perspective, terrible from yours. In other words you are offering up your tennis balls again to be pickled and stored in a neat little jar on top of the refrigerator for everyone to see. Quit being so darn excited. This ends badly for you and you have NOT learned anything. She has learned that she has to give you a little hope and placate you a bit to entice you back into a bad arrangement. One where she is the sole broker of sex for you. She is giving you just enough to keep your hope alive and get you back into a position that is in HER best interest. It is NOT in your best interest. She shows herself to be questionable at best.

Why are you so eager to reward that behavior?

I mean what are you going to do if y'all are living together and she WON'T give up sex and she ISN'T being a good girlfriend? Are you going to be able to break up and then bring a new chick or a ONS chick or a fling home to fvck silly after a night out? Somehow I don't think that is going to work. She will demand that you move out. If you refuse and force her to evict you (which is what she will have to do if you refuse to roll over), then she will make your life hell. That sounds perfectly awful but you seem convinced that this is going to be different...NO IT WILL NOT!!!

For you to get a different outcome you are going to have to act differently. That means get a male roommate if that aids you financially or else live on your own and RETAIN YOUR AUTONOMY. You seem to fail to grasp that you give up your autonomy if you move back in with her. If you refuse to move back in you keep your autonomy AND you get the opportunity to observe, by her actions, whether or not she is legit or full of sh*t. Don't you think taking the time to gauge her interest level is well advised here? If anything her track record would seem to me to warrant further evaluation but you are more than happy to leap back into the arrangement and become once again the proverbial lobster in the pot as the heat is slowly turned up. By the time you realize what is really going on you're going to be cooked.

Back off and date her a solid 6 months without co-habitating. If her behavior and actions are picture perfect after that, only then reconsider living together, and only with a written lease agreement that formalizes the relationship and your residence in her home. That will forever be a slippery slope in my mind but you're going to have to sort that out if you guys stay together. Give it 6 months before living together. I think you'll find that to be eye opening.

Living together needs to be reserved for very serious LTRs where both partners have shown each other that they are serious, committed, and invested into the relationship.

 

[jacketrunner]

It is possible she'll wail and gnash her teeth and moan since you are no longer willing to be her complacent little puppy dog...and that is where you apply silence and distance. You know longer put up with her being in charge of you and the dynamic. You are the man, you do as you please and she either gets with it or she gets lost. And you can't concern yourself with the outcome. If she isn't on board with the manly version of you? Another woman will be. Trust me.

Advice from the old lady: Warning...Buckle your seat belt.

You have to reclaim your tennis balls here. Asking "would you like to do something sometime" is not the way of a desirable man. That is pandering and weak and desperate. I know that is hard to hear, but somebody has to tell you and I don't mean it in a scathing sort of way. The way the question is phrased indicates that you have nothing better to do than sit around moping until she decides she's willing to see you on her terms. Stop that. It will get you utterly nowhere (as you are seeing.)

The better thing to do is this. If you want to include her then you make plans. If you choose to invite her to join you, that's fine (up to you) but you make plans irrespective of her. Then you invite her along. This is what that looks like:

"Hey (insert chick's name), I'm headed over to see the Screaming Blues band at Joe's Dive Bar on Friday. We're headed over around 8:30. It would be cool if you joined us." You don't say who "we" are. You have other humans you are social with correct? Then you see how she responds. You make it clear that a.) You have plans that are not exclusive to her, b.) she's invited, and c.) you're going out regardless whether she comes along or not. And then whatever she says it's cool. You are already going with your buddies (or alone if you don't have buddies).

If she says "Oh I can't I have work" or "I have to babysit" or "I have to clean the dog's toenails" you say "well that's a shame. It will be lots of fun." and you sign off the conversation. Quit lolly gagging around like a lost puppy waiting for her to say yes. How is the leg humping working for you so far? No good? Okay. Lesson learned. Knock it off and drive on as per the above.

And then you give it some time before you ask her out again. If she says "I can't Friday but Saturday is better" then you have a choice. Either decline (because you are already busy with your busy life) or have something else you are already doing that you might invite her to. Sometimes, depending on the situation, saying you have a date is a good thing. Let her wonder what else you have going on...and HAVE something going on. It might be a date to play bridge with your great aunt. The chick doesn't need to know that (obviously a date with another woman is better but you get my meaning.) Or say simply "I already have plans." If you don't? Make some.

Trust me, @guru1000 does not sit around worrying about some special snowflake chick. Even in a relationship you remain in charge of you and what you are doing.

If she reaches out to you late, wait until morning to respond, or better, until the next afternoon. After all your evenings are busy meeting other women and otherwise being social....Right?

As far as wondering about your past behavioral patterns (which are clearly part of the problem)...you change your behavior. Starting right now, today, immediately. Take your tennis balls and put them right back in your pocket where they belong. Stop whining, stop worrying, stop wondering, stop woulda/shoulda/coulda-ing and regain your place as the man in the relationship. Either she'll get on board or she'll bail. But if she bails she was already gone as it was and so much better you get that over with and get on with it (and learn for next time obviously.) Speak directly, state your intent clearly and move forward. That is all you can do.

It is possible she'll wail and gnash her teeth and moan since you are no longer willing to be her complacent little puppy dog...and that is where you apply silence and distance. You know longer put up with her being in charge of you and the dynamic. You are the man, you do as you please and she either gets with it or she gets lost. And you can't concern yourself with the outcome. If she isn't on board with the manly version of you? Another woman will be. Trust me.

Great advice. Super relevant to my current predicament.

 

[Macaframalama]

We did discuss it on vacation and I asked her if it was to help alleviate her burden and she said no, don't be stupid.

 

[Designer Man]

A quick update for anyone interested
We've had a discussion about living together and she was quite apprehensive and unsure if I would be helping out and not just letting her do all the housework. She said she wants us to have a go and I mentioned that we need to do more things together and spend time with each other on our own. She agreed but said she still wants to spend time with her friends, I said I don't even have a problem with that.

I also mentioned that we are in a relationship but she said it's not that easy to have sex when there is a child and dogs as well. She understands why its important but said it's not always gonna be easy.

Just hope it works out.

 

[Designer Man]

This might sound stupid but for me to have her eating out the palm of my hand, I would need to be seeing another woman as well to take some attention from her. As much as I don't want to cheat, it sounds like the only option here.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

This might sound stupid but for me to have her eating out the palm of my hand, I would need to be seeing another woman as well to take some attention from her. As much as I don't want to cheat, it sounds like the only option here.

Sometimes it's the only way. If it's just a GF find a way to be okay with it. She will find herself strangely attracted and wanting you once you've taken your time away.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

A quick update for anyone interested
We've had a discussion about living together and she was quite apprehensive and unsure if I would be helping out and not just letting her do all the housework. She said she wants us to have a go and I mentioned that we need to do more things together and spend time with each other on our own. She agreed but said she still wants to spend time with her friends, I said I don't even have a problem with that.

I also mentioned that we are in a relationship but she said it's not that easy to have sex when there is a child and dogs as well. She understands why its important but said it's not always gonna be easy.

Just hope it works out.

A sexual woman who wants to please you would've have said that. She'd have found away. Even with kids you can close the bedroom door for ten minutes or right after they sleep or in the morning.

 

[BeExcellent]

she said it's not that easy to have sex when there is a child and dogs as well. She understands why its important but said it's not always gonna be easy.

Um. This is a serious problem you are refusing to see.

If she wants to f*ck you kids and pets are of no concern. Rather she is preconditioning you ahead of time why she cannot/will not (= DOESN'T WANT TO) f*ck you.

In other words she is not sexually attracted. Read that again and again and again. You are trying to negotiate desire. Read your own words in this thread in any number of places. Can you not see the negotiation of desire? Or, well, your attempt to negotiate desire...which is impossible.

Her actions are telling everyone loud and clear that she is looking to take advantage of you financially (yes, please move in, but gee there are kids and pets and so sex won't be an option), and that she has no plans to have sex with you.

And you are more than willing to jump through whatever hoops she sets up because you think she is eating out of your hand? It's quite the reverse my dear.

Print this thread. Print it. When things collapse, read this thread. Only then will you see what everyone is trying to tell you. Love is a funny thing indeed. We all have a tremendous capacity to deceive ourselves when we are "in love", often to our own detriment. This is why a place like SS can have so much value regarding evaluation of relationships, if only we would but listen to what the unbiased people on the board are saying.

 

[Designer Man]

Um. This is a serious problem you are refusing to see.

If she wants to f*ck you kids and pets are of no concern. Rather she is preconditioning you ahead of time why she cannot/will not (= DOESN'T WANT TO) f*ck you.

In other words she is not sexually attracted. Read that again and again and again. You are trying to negotiate desire. Read your own words in this thread in any number of places. Can you not see the negotiation of desire? Or, well, your attempt to negotiate desire...which is impossible.

Her actions are telling everyone loud and clear that she is looking to take advantage of you financially (yes, please move in, but gee there are kids and pets and so sex won't be an option), and that she has no plans to have sex with you.

And you are more than willing to jump through whatever hoops she sets up because you think she is eating out of your hand? It's quite the reverse my dear.

Print this thread. Print it. When things collapse, read this thread. Only then will you see what everyone is trying to tell you. Love is a funny thing indeed. We all have a tremendous capacity to deceive ourselves when we are "in love", often to our own detriment. This is why a place like SS can have so much value regarding evaluation of relationships, if only we would but listen to what the unbiased people on the board are saying.

You're right completely. I am very Apprehensive about the whole thing. The thing is, her daughter won't sleep in her own bed so gets in with her and it's been going on for years now. We will still find a way but some nights she is very exhausted from working and everything else that all she wants to do is sleep. Only way to do it is act like it doesn't bother me and maybe her mindset will change. It might be the kick she needs.

 

[Billtx49]

You're right completely.

her daughter won't sleep in her own bed so gets in with her

she is very exhausted from working and everything else that all she wants to do is sleep.

maybe her mindset will change.

Dream on, maybe she has a sofa for you to sleep on. Your posts take pvssy hunger to a whole new level.
I prefer to live in reality myself.…