Situational Neediness - GF became distant after going out of town - Going No Contact a good idea?

[jacketrunner]

My girlfriend of 2.5 months (although been seeing her for 5 months... she asked me to be exclusive) went to her hometown for 3 weeks (before she got a new job), and (very suddenly) stopped initiating contact or showing interest (I initiated contact much more than her during the trip, although I’ve by no means been suffocating, and I mostly stopped initiating when I noticed she wasn’t). I actually visited her in the middle of this trip, and while initially she was glad to see me, I sensed that she got distant and was pulling away while I was there with her. I think it had to do with a hurtful comment I told her that was condescending and pissed her off, and overall weak behaviors that arose from my dependent situation (I was in her world, when usually she is in mine).

Before she went away, the relationship was extremely loving and she would constantly reach out to me. She asked that I would be her boyfriend, and I was happy to because she was such a great and loving girl.

During my time there, I was dependent on her and her family, and could feel that she was distancing herself from me (although we still had sex whenever possible and she was physically affectionate). I had also made a hurtful comment that pissed her off, and apologized twice (did it in a weak way the second time).

When she didn't initiate a text for a week while she was gone (although she instantly responds to my texts), I told her that I was getting agitated without her there (I know this is needy), and her only response was “I’m sorry”, but nothing beyond that. I responded telling her I didn't want an apology, and she said she was confused, which I ignored (somewhat passive aggressive, but I wanted to distance myself).

Since then (over a week ago), she hasn't initiated contact, and I've gone no contact, and will not contact her until she reaches out to me. The last interaction we had was this interaction over Snapchat.

She is now back in town, and has not yet reached out. She does have a new job though.

Before this trip, she was extremely loving and cared more about the relationship than me. Her family is loving and stable, and she seems to be pretty honest (although I don't necessarily trust any girl). She has lots of guy friends there too, which worries me, although she has always allowed me to openly see her texts on her computer when we watch Netflix, and on her phone.

I'm a good-looking guy, who gets hit on by girls a lot. Her friends think I'm good looking and like me. She's really good looking too though. While she was gone and distant, I've been turning down girls in my hometown and I'm getting frustrated. At the same time, I want to salvage this relationship if possible bc it was idyllic before she left.

Am I doing the right thing by just going no contact and seeing what happens? It pisses me off bc there was no indication that this would happen. Before she left for this trip, she loved me so much that she constantly sent me hearts and had trouble even leaving me to get on her scheduled train.

There's always the cheating suspicion too, although I'm not going to assume she did cheat. While she was gone, I did lots of reading on relationships and Game Theory, and figured out many of the needy mistakes I made. I feel like if she comes back, I can avoid most of these mistakes in the future.

 

[Gan]

I think it had to do with a hurtful comment I told her that was condescending and pissed her off, and overall weak behaviors that arose from my dependent situation (I was in her world, when usually she is in mine).

Own up to it and apologize, being condescending is a huge no-no in my opinion.

When she didn't initiate a text for a week while she was gone (although she instantly responds to my texts), I told her that I was getting agitated without her there (I know this is needy), and her only response was “I’m sorry”, but nothing beyond that. I responded telling her I didn't want an apology, and she said she was confused, which I ignored (somewhat passive aggressive, but I wanted to distance myself).

It seems like you're smothering her. Try focusing on things you can do for yourself instead. It's much more productive for you and for the relationship.

Am I doing the right thing by just going no contact and seeing what happens? It pisses me off bc there was no indication that this would happen.

No this isn't the right thing. You're obviously bothered by it and pretending to not give a **** will eat away at you really bad. It seems like you two need to talk. If she isn't willing to talk to you and fix the relationship, then it might be best to move on.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

My girlfriend of 2.5 months (although been seeing her for 5 months... she asked me to be exclusive) went to her hometown for 3 weeks (before she got a new job), and (very suddenly) stopped initiating contact or showing interest (I initiated contact much more than her during the trip, although I’ve by no means been suffocating, and I mostly stopped initiating when I noticed she wasn’t). I actually visited her in the middle of this trip, and while initially she was glad to see me, I sensed that she got distant and was pulling away while I was there with her. I think it had to do with a hurtful comment I told her that was condescending and pissed her off, and overall weak behaviors that arose from my dependent situation (I was in her world, when usually she is in mine).

Before she went away, the relationship was extremely loving and she would constantly reach out to me. She asked that I would be her boyfriend, and I was happy to because she was such a great and loving girl.

During my time there, I was dependent on her and her family, and could feel that she was distancing herself from me (although we still had sex whenever possible and she was physically affectionate). I had also made a hurtful comment that pissed her off, and apologized twice (did it in a weak way the second time).

When she didn't initiate a text for a week while she was gone (although she instantly responds to my texts), I told her that I was getting agitated without her there (I know this is needy), and her only response was “I’m sorry”, but nothing beyond that. I responded telling her I didn't want an apology, and she said she was confused, which I ignored (somewhat passive aggressive, but I wanted to distance myself).

Since then (over a week ago), she hasn't initiated contact, and I've gone no contact, and will not contact her until she reaches out to me. The last interaction we had was this interaction over Snapchat.

She is now back in town, and has not yet reached out. She does have a new job though.

Before this trip, she was extremely loving and cared more about the relationship than me. Her family is loving and stable, and she seems to be pretty honest (although I don't necessarily trust any girl). She has lots of guy friends there too, which worries me, although she has always allowed me to openly see her texts on her computer when we watch Netflix, and on her phone.

I'm a good-looking guy, who gets hit on by girls a lot. Her friends think I'm good looking and like me. She's really good looking too though. While she was gone and distant, I've been turning down girls in my hometown and I'm getting frustrated. At the same time, I want to salvage this relationship if possible bc it was idyllic before she left.

Am I doing the right thing by just going no contact and seeing what happens? It pisses me off bc there was no indication that this would happen. Before she left for this trip, she loved me so much that she constantly sent me hearts and had trouble even leaving me to get on her scheduled train.

There's always the cheating suspicion too, although I'm not going to assume she did cheat. While she was gone, I did lots of reading on relationships and Game Theory, and figured out many of the needy mistakes I made. I feel like if she comes back, I can avoid most of these mistakes in the future.

I don't know if you got hobbies or friends but you need to be spending time in each. She needs to come to you. Let it be a sex session.

She did likely grow closer to someone on the trip.

 

[jacketrunner]

Own up to it and apologize, being condescending is a huge no-no in my opinion.

It seems like you're smothering her. Try focusing on things you can do for yourself instead. It's much more productive for you and for the relationship.

No this isn't the right thing. You're obviously bothered by it and pretending to not give a **** will eat away at you really bad. It seems like you two need to talk. If she isn't willing to talk to you and fix the relationship, then it might be best to move on.

Thanks for your reply. I’ve apologized twice for my condescending comment. I did own up to my mistake.

I agree that I was smothering her. Hopefully she’ll come back and we can make things up.

She’s actually a good person, whereas I have a tendency to be selfish, although she can be really solipsistic sometimes.

 

[jacketrunner]

I don't know if you got hobbies or friends but you need to be spending time in each. She needs to come to you. Let it be a sex session.

She did likely grow closer to someone on the trip.

I’ve been going out with my friends. I live in a city so I’ll go out and party. Girls hit on me when I’m out, but I really want my girl back.

The funny thing is, she’ll get needy when we’re away for a *weekend* but as a guy, I have to completely hold my ground and be okay with *2+ weeks*.

I guess that’s what being a male is all about.

 

[jacketrunner]

I seem to be getting conflicting responses. Should I hold out for her to initiate contact or reach out to her first?

I’d personally rather wait for her to reach out. I think that’s the best way to generate attraction, and the key will be to cool, indifferent, and empathetic once she comes to me.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I’ve been going out with my friends. I live in a city so I’ll go out and party. Girls hit on me when I’m out, but I really want my girl back.

The funny thing is, she’ll get needy when we’re away for a *weekend* but as a guy, I have to completely hold my ground and be okay with *2+ weeks*.

I guess that’s what being a male is all about.

Men are selfish and ignore their babes. She longs for his attention and bribes him with sex. Somehow you got to get missing her out of your head.

 

[Gan]

I seem to be getting conflicting responses. Should I hold out for her to initiate contact or reach out to her first?

I’d personally rather wait for her to reach out. I think that’s the best way to generate attraction, and the key will be to cool, indifferent, and empathetic once she comes to me.

She's your girlfriend, not a side-chick. If you want to wait instead, I suggest not waiting around for a text message. Go out with your friends. Work out. Do whatever you want, but don't mope around because you're not receiving a text from her. On the contrary, you could message her and let her know how you feel about the whole situation. If you message her and she's not willing to cooperate, then I'd suggest moving on.

 

[marmel75]

She likely met someone while she was away and banged them, likely multiple times.

 

[jacketrunner]

H

She's your girlfriend, not a side-chick. If you want to wait instead, I suggest not waiting around for a text message. Go out with your friends. Work out. Do whatever you want, but don't mope around because you're not receiving a text from her. On the contrary, you could message her and let her know how you feel about the whole situation. If you message her and she's not willing to cooperate, then I'd suggest moving on.

She likely met someone while she was away and banged them, likely multiple times.

You actually believe this? I’m a cynical person, but I know she has a strong personal stance against infidelity.

I don’t think it’s impossible that this happened, but I also would not necessarily say it’s likely.

As for going out, I go out every weekend with my friends, but I have to be celibate bc I’m in a committed relationship technically.

Before I met her, I got laid a lot. Both weekends before I met her I had sex with 2 diff girls. Now it feels weird bc I can’t get laid due to a relationship that barely exists.

 

[Gan]

I responded telling her I didn't want an apology, and she said she was confused, which I ignored (somewhat passive aggressive, but I wanted to distance myself).

Since then (over a week ago), she hasn't initiated contact, and I've gone no contact, and will not contact her until she reaches out to me. The last interaction we had was this interaction over Snapchat.

Something else I want to add, you refused to be direct and clear in your frustration and ignored her instead. What do you think that says to her?

 

[jacketrunner]

Something else I want to add, you refused to be direct and clear in your frustration and ignored her instead. What do you think that says to her?

Well I was direct and clear, and she didn’t really engage with it.

I just feel like the only thing I was trying to express was “I’m needy right now bc I’m locked into an exclusive relationship with you and I can’t hook up with other girls, and I’m also insecure that you’ll leave me”

In other words, the sentiment that I was trying to express was authentic, but it was also the exact opposite of the kind of emotion you should express to a woman.

Thus, I’m not really sure how to recuperate from this. I’ve dug myself a hole.

She *will* have to reach out to me eventually. And I do have an active social life, good job, etc.

So I’m thinking waiting it out might be the best move. As long I handle it cool when she reaches out.

 

[Gan]

Well I was direct and clear, and she didn’t really engage with it.

I just feel like the only thing I was trying to express was “I’m needy right now bc I’m locked into an exclusive relationship with you and I can’t hook up with other girls, and I’m also insecure that you’ll leave me”

In other words, the sentiment that I was trying to express was authentic, but it was also the exact opposite of the kind of emotion you should express to a woman.

Thus, I’m not really sure how to recuperate from this. I’ve dug myself a hole.

She *will* have to reach out to me eventually. And I do have an active social life, good job, etc.

So I’m thinking waiting it out might be the best move. As long I handle it cool when she reaches out.

Be prepared in case she doesn't reach out, though. It could very well mean that she's trying to break things off with you.

 

[jacketrunner]

Be prepared in case she doesn't reach out, though. It could very well mean that she's trying to break things off with you.

She left a valuable item at my place. Also, everything I’ve looked up online suggests that a girl with an IL that’s not bad will eventually reach out.

Maybe I’m wrong... I was happy single though, even though she’s a great girl and it would suck to lose her.

 

[jacketrunner]

Be prepared in case she doesn't reach out, though. It could very well mean that she's trying to break things off with you.

Let’s say I were to reach out to her under my current circumstances. What would be the best approach to take?

 

[Gan]

Let’s say I were to reach out to her under my current circumstances. What would be the best approach to take?

Honesty can go a long way. You could own up to your neediness and admit it was a bad move from you, as well as let her know that you feel bad about how your last convo went and you wish to talk.

 

[jacketrunner]

Honesty can go a long way. You could own up to your neediness and admit it was a bad move from you, as well as let her know that you feel bad about how your last convo went and you wish to talk.

Honesty can go a long way. You could own up to your neediness and admit it was a bad move from you, as well as let her know that you feel bad about how your last convo went and you wish to talk.

Okay, but this sounds like an in person conversation. Should I text her “we need to talk?”

Also, what if she just needs her space right now? Then it might backfire.

 

[Gan]

Okay, but this sounds like an in person conversation. Should I text her “we need to talk?”

Also, what if she just needs her space right now? Then it might backfire.

That's a good enough text if you want to reach out. If she ignores you though or doesn't agree to meet up with you, take the hint. If she truly just "needs her space" then don't reach out to her anymore, either wait for her to initiate (again, prepare for the worst) or move on.

 

[jacketrunner]

That's a good enough text if you want to reach out. If she ignores you though or doesn't agree to meet up with you, take the hint. If she truly just "needs her space" then don't reach out to her anymore, either wait for her to initiate (again, prepare for the worst) or move on.

Kk I think even if just as a social experiement I should just wait this one out to see what happens.

I don’t think anything I would say would make things better

 

[marmel75]

H



You actually believe this? I’m a cynical person, but I know she has a strong personal stance against infidelity.

I don’t think it’s impossible that this happened, but I also would not necessarily say it’s likely.

As for going out, I go out every weekend with my friends, but I have to be celibate bc I’m in a committed relationship technically.

Before I met her, I got laid a lot. Both weekends before I met her I had sex with 2 diff girls. Now it feels weird bc I can’t get laid due to a relationship that barely exists.

Almost always when a woman acts like this its because of another guy. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.