How to handle ex boyfriend coming back into the picture?

[upcoming_DJ]

Hey DJs,

I've had a lot of great advice given to me over the past couple weeks and I am grateful that I have this community to expand my mind. I am going over Rollo Tomassi's Rational Male again, and reading over some fundamentals on heartiste (Roissy).

Now, I've been dating this girl for almost 4 months and this past weekend she made her interest in becoming exclusive clear. We were already operating under this frame but I never labeled anything and neither did she bring it up before, until this past weekend.

However, in our conversation it also came up that her ex boyfriend is reaching out to her again wanting to "talk".

here is what I know about her past ex and their relationship:

• she was with this guy for about 4 months, and she thought she was in a relationship but she was actually the side chick until she found out that the guy actually had a girlfriend
• this was her only "relationship" she's had // she's 28 years old
• for the same reason, since it seemed it was her "first love", this guy seemed to have emotionally destroyed her (and she was already an insecure woman). So yes, she also has insecurities - more than the average woman
• this guy, from some of the things that she told me, was an ******* to her (not that I am far different after unplugging and being aware the red pill and after starting to read heartiste blog). an example she gave me was; once she got very ill and ended up in the hospital for a couple of days and this guy never arrived to see her, and when she told him what had happened he just shrugged it off
• she was dating this guy back in 2014-2015, and she told me that they were "messing around" even after she found out that he had a girlfriend, but I don't know up to how recent they have had any affairs
• she still has him as a friend on facebook, and I imagine whatsapp since he's reaching out to her again
• she has a pinterest account where she has been pinning a lot of "quotes" that relates back to emotional baggage, hurt and "too late" posts

since she told me that, I now recall that about 2 weeks ago (the week prior to last week) she was being very indifferent and aloof. she would leave me on "read" and also would take much longer to answer my texts, sometimes not even answering and this isn't normal behavior for her.

she's also introduced me to her family already (the first guy she has introduced) and it seemed to have been a big thing for her.

this past weekend laying on the bed, she told me things like "you feel like home" and "I feel so good when im with you".

but now I'm wondering if she hasn't really gotten over her ex and she's lying about it or she's trying to use me to get over her ex? and if this could also be the reason that she's only had flings but things never went beyond a fling into relationships?

many DJs have told me im over analyzing.

she's always cooperative with me, shows high interest levels, sex has always been good, is sweet, warm, loving etc.

I had asked if I should outright ask her but I was told that this is outcome dependence and I'm too invested in my ego and this is a mark of a true beta/afc.

should I just lay back and let her come to me? take into consideration that from when we started dating she has been doing around 90% of the pursuing (hence the reason why I said she's showing high interest level).

how can I properly handle this situation while maintaining proper frame?

thanks!

 

[Mazer]

She was messing around with him even though she knew he had a girlfriend says it all. A woman with quality would have dropped him immediately after she found out. He disrespected her and she is still friends with him on social media. She obviously still wants to remain contact in some way. She also sounds like she may have self esteem issues. I would continue to bang her and give her no exclusivity until she drops this guy completely. I would be very wary of this chick. Hang out, have fun, and always be ready to walk away. Protect your heart at all times. Best of luck

 

[RedScorpion]

I’ll put in my vote to agree with both of these guys. I’ll opinion that if it does end up with her flitting back to him in the end, there’s not much you can ultimately do to prevent that, and only things to minimize those odds for your own self. E.g. not being an AFC, chasing, etc. Rather, be sure to maintain your own level of self-respect, protect your heart. From what you’ve mentioned about here withdrawing and posting sappy things online, I think being guarded about possible outcomes is the best. Especially with her in the past still messing around with him, even when she found out he had a girlfriend.

I’ll post this link to a thread that I’ve found great over the years, for how to approach things in general with examples. May give you some insight on how you may want to handle any possible eventualities. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/how-to-handle-being-dumped-stood-up-or-rejected.82346/

 

[lizardking82]

Man, she was with him 4 months and she wasn't even his girlfriend. She's not in love, she was in lust and now her ego got crushed cause she found out she was just side girl and she somehow cannot handle this fact. This is just an obsession. You do not give her exclusivity at this point no matter what, but if you wanna keep this chick around, you should not feel the slightest thing towards this matter. And notice I said you should not feel and I didn't say you "shouldn't try to feel". You cannot fake this. You either don't care and she will notice or you do and at some point, no matter how much you might act, she will notice and will play you on it.

 

[The Diver]

• she was with this guy for about 4 months, and she thought she was in a relationship but she was actually the side chick until she found out that the guy actually had a girlfriend
• this was her only "relationship" she's had // she's 28 years old
• for the same reason, since it seemed it was her "first love", this guy seemed to have emotionally destroyed her (and she was already an insecure woman). So yes, she also has insecurities - more than the average woman
• this guy, from some of the things that she told me, was an ******* to her (not that I am far different after unplugging and being aware the red pill and after starting to read heartiste blog). an example she gave me was; once she got very ill and ended up in the hospital for a couple of days and this guy never arrived to see her, and when she told him what had happened he just shrugged it off
• she was dating this guy back in 2014-2015, and she told me that they were "messing around" even after she found out that he had a girlfriend, but I don't know up to how recent they have had any affairs
• she still has him as a friend on facebook, and I imagine whatsapp since he's reaching out to her again
• she has a pinterest account where she has been pinning a lot of "quotes" that relates back to emotional baggage, hurt and "too late" posts

All this sh*it ^^^ indicating emotionaly unstable woman, with low self esteem, and very undependable . I personally won't be able to be in a serious relationship with this type of woman.

 

[marmel75]

If he plays his cards right you dont have a chance. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

 

[nismo-4]

Second place scraps.

He's higher on the high score list than you. Only use for sex if you can.

 

[soulforge]

Whichever way you look at this.. This chick is OBVIOUSLY not relationship material..

Too much baggage. Emotional issues.. Insecurities.. Ex lurking around in the background.. She also let herself get USED by the last dude.

As Glassguy said, a quality woman with some self respect would have completely cut the ex off.

This one has potential TROUBLE written all over it.

As others have said.. Do not give her exclusivity.. Keep her around, and see where you are in another 6 months time.

If she gets her chit together and drops the ex, then maybe she is worth inventing in.

Good luck

 

[Spaz]

how can I properly handle this situation while maintaining proper frame?

thanks!

You handle women into your life as you handle everything else; by having standards.

A women too must have a minimum set of standards to differentiate herself from the girls that inhabit adult bodies.

And a man must be able to instinctively recognised a woman from a girl. A man with a boy like mentality couldn't and continues down the path of being in confusion, in anger, in denial and generally not being happy where women are concerned.

Start off by having standards in your life. These standards that you set will keep evolving as your knowledge increases and how skillful you conduct yourself.

In the end, Frame is = Knowledge + ur conduct/how u do things.

On a side note;
If you wish to continue having a relationship with this 28 yr old woman, I'd say you hv really low standards.
Isn't it time you raise ur standards to attract better quality women?

 

[greatsnake]

This is trouble-- run for the hills.

 

[Tilex]

F%ck this chick man!
Any girl that talks about her ex a lot means she still thinks about him.
Any evidence of aloofness or flakey behavior should lead to her getting dropped from your life forever.

Once an ex, always an ex!
People that have an interest in going back to their ex aren't worth your time.

 

[ohrein]

I told a plate a few months ago that if she thinks she can find someone better than me, go for it.

Bulls eye. If she wants to go back to her ex, let her. In the mean time protect yourself and have fun with her. The more you attempt to keep her, the more it will drive her away. With any luck she's self aware enough to realize her ex is trash but most women just can't help themselves.

 

[Glassguy]

@upcoming_DJ

Let me sum this up very easily-

1.) He treated her like shyte (she was a side chick and he played her). That made him a challenge that she never was able to conquer. In her mind its still a challenge and game on since he is reaching out.

2.) I am going to assume that you treat her great. Some chicks can handle this without getting bored, some cant. This one cant. You have treated her too good and been too much of a nice guy and she requires more of a challenge to stay interested. Thus why the ex can still pull an string and you watch her move from it. She knew that she was the side chick and was ok with it because it made her more of a challenge. Had he dumped the actual GF and settled down with her, she would have eventually gotten tired of him too if he became the nice guy bf type.

Its just the way it is with certain chicks.

Now that I have said that, I will tell you how to fix it, that is if you are still interested in her. For one, she is probably not gf material and I hope that you realize it now before you go any further down that road. But if you want to keep fvcking her and spike her interest, this is how I would play it:

1.) I would tell her that the whole ex bf situation sounds like a lot of drama and you're not interested in getting involved in that mess and you'd still like to see her but casually until you figure things out (making you not available as a bf anymore in her eyes and making you somewhat of a challenge). If she tries to downplay it, simply tell her that by her entertaining his communication has just turned you off.

2.) No more "dates". If she wants to come over and chill at your place, fine. If not, fine. The majority of her interest right now is on him and wondering if she can "get him" since he is throwing her bread crums.

You basically have to start treating her differently and not nearly as "good" as you have been.

Oh yeah, if it was me I would completely mind fvck her and simply text her "I've been thinking and I'm not sure that our situation really benefits me like it did before because some things have changed. I am going to take some time and space to figure out what I need to do" and just sit back and watch her head explode.

Right now in her eyes, she has you in the bag and can secretly fall back on you and continue as she has been if her behind the scene communication with him falters. I would jerk that rug right out from under her feet and let her know that she had you wrong and you're willing to walk away due to her shenanigans.

 

[EyeBRollin]

You are definitely over analyzing. Run your race my friend. If you get her interest level to 100% and keep it there longer than it was for the other guy, it won't matter at all.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Any mention of ex or guy friend equates to downgrading her to booty call + #nextset

 

[upcoming_DJ]

@upcoming_DJ

Let me sum this up very easily-

1.) He treated her like shyte (she was a side chick and he played her). That made him a challenge that she never was able to conquer. In her mind its still a challenge and game on since he is reaching out.

2.) I am going to assume that you treat her great. Some chicks can handle this without getting bored, some cant. This one cant. You have treated her too good and been too much of a nice guy and she requires more of a challenge to stay interested. Thus why the ex can still pull an string and you watch her move from it. She knew that she was the side chick and was ok with it because it made her more of a challenge. Had he dumped the actual GF and settled down with her, she would have eventually gotten tired of him too if he became the nice guy bf type.

Its just the way it is with certain chicks.

Now that I have said that, I will tell you how to fix it, that is if you are still interested in her. For one, she is probably not gf material and I hope that you realize it now before you go any further down that road. But if you want to keep fvcking her and spike her interest, this is how I would play it:

1.) I would tell her that the whole ex bf situation sounds like a lot of drama and you're not interested in getting involved in that mess and you'd still like to see her but casually until you figure things out (making you not available as a bf anymore in her eyes and making you somewhat of a challenge). If she tries to downplay it, simply tell her that by her entertaining his communication has just turned you off.

2.) No more "dates". If she wants to come over and chill at your place, fine. If not, fine. The majority of her interest right now is on him and wondering if she can "get him" since he is throwing her bread crums.

You basically have to start treating her differently and not nearly as "good" as you have been.

Oh yeah, if it was me I would completely mind fvck her and simply text her "I've been thinking and I'm not sure that our situation really benefits me like it did before because some things have changed. I am going to take some time and space to figure out what I need to do" and just sit back and watch her head explode.

Right now in her eyes, she has you in the bag and can secretly fall back on you and continue as she has been if her behind the scene communication with him falters. I would jerk that rug right out from under her feet and let her know that she had you wrong and you're willing to walk away due to her shenanigans.

Actually, I have not been that "nice" to her. I have my rough edges. I don't compliment her. I don't open doors or take out seats for her (I've done it maybe once or twice for almost 4 months now). I don't call or text her first. She has done almost 90% of the pursuing since we started dating (challenge). I've not done many things she ask me for (example some weeks ago she wanted ice cream and we were passing the ice cream shop, I didnt say anything and just passed and headed home. She gets up pretending she's mad, probably believe I was going to chase after her. I didn't. I stayed in bed and later she reached with an ice cream for her and she bought me one too.). I've talked raw to her. I neg her playfully. I never put her on a pedestal. Competition anxiety has been strong (I need to start back up) because it isn't as strong as it was in the first 2 months. I would get more calls from different **beautiful** women and she would always look at my screen and roll her eyes. Hasn't been happening much as I haven't been spinning much since I've been with her. So no, i'm not the typical "nice guy", not like I was before.

But I will gun the strategy of texting her that and becoming more of a challenge again. If she flakes or if she blows up, I know exactly where she stands.

We're suppose to be seeing each other this weekend. I was thinking of asking her to show me the conversation with her ex.

I also had some extra time today and I was on Whatsapp. I had managed to get the ex' cell # last week. They were active together almost at the same time - coming off and on almost rhythmically. Then they both went off together for a while.

She's a sweet girl. Like i've said, for the most she's always loving and warm, and the sex has always been good. But like another DJ told me some weeks back - women and men have game and that's just hers in play. I am now reading "The Manipulated Man" book, which I came across on either the Rational Male or Roissy and this is once again opening up my eyes some more.

other things I've noticed also;
- She normally would text me things like "craving you" or "thanks for a great weekend" and other things like that. That has slowed down in the past 2 weeks. She is no longer sending that
- a lot of her communication now is more towards her little business that she has started to work on (that I also encourage her to pursue)

also over last weekend;
I had asked to take a look at her pinterest boards on her phone, since she's always talking about pinterest. She denied me. She said she has some "deep quotes", some secret boards. and then she said "ignorance is bliss". obvious red flag.

 

[Glassguy]

She has probably started sleeping with him if she is protecting her phone. That, or the convo between them is very steady and she thinks he may message her while the phone is in your hands.

I'd just give her plenty of silence and distance. This probably wont work out that great for you

 

[upcoming_DJ]

She has probably started sleeping with him if she is protecting her phone. That, or the convo between them is very steady and she thinks he may message her while the phone is in your hands.

I'd just give her plenty of silence and distance. This probably wont work out that great for you

it's sorta funny because when she goes to the bathroom or when we are on the bed together, she leaves the phone in my reach. Sometimes when she's showing me something, I take the phone from her hand. She doesn't display any *clear* signs that she's nervous about it or anything like that. Sometimes I see notifications but nothing with his name.

but yeah, I'll go back to the beginning and run more dread as well. Either she comes around or she shows her colors. I'll also begin spinning again.

thanks a lot for solid advice and I'll probably throw in another field report.

I'm now remembering an ex I had - same thing, long distance. She seemed so innocent. Like nothing was up. But I had a GUT FEELING. That gut is a wild thing. She once showed me something and I made the decision of checking her whatapp quickly and sure enough, came across a conversation she began having with one of her school mates. The guy was flirting with her, teasing her and inviting her out. She was telling me him no along the way until I read at the very bottom she had given in. She told him they'd hang out when she got back to school. Forward a few months later, she broke up with me and started a relationship with this guy about 2-3 weeks down the road.

so, I might just go for the phone this weekend and sorta do the same thing with her to see if his name or nickname appears in her whatsapp, and look at the conversation to see where its at. At this time, I'd prefer being certain that she IS or she ISN'T talking to this guy, than continue seeing her and keeping up a long distance thing when I have so many women around me that are willing (even she has seen how women throw themselves at me , since I also have high value and social status).

 

[upcoming_DJ]

She also lets me mark her neck up, and never complains about it. so she always leaves me with vamps on her neck or body. even if she were seeing him, she's sidechick and the ex wouldn't give a rats ass.

 

[Roober]

When a woman gets cold, you get subzero. If she cares about you and wants to make it work, she will bring it up...

This would have saved me months of heartache if I understood this concept long ago.