How to discuss finances if thinking LTR?

[upcoming_DJ]

Hey DJs!

been reading the forum for about 3 months now - and there's hardly much content about finances when it relates to dates/plates/trying LTRs.

as much as i've read re finances it would be something along the lines of "she either paid for me / we split the bill"

I'm seeing this plate for 3 months to date and we've been hanging out all weekends except for 2 which i intentionally sprinkled in along with absence (no communication) as per the 16 commandments of poon.

I've really enjoyed her company and she seems to be falling and wanting something more formal. She has been very compliant and has not withhold sex for anything yet so far (except for once where she got mad at me for pressuring her on finances).

my question is this: the girl her self is a 7-8/10 (looks) but seemingly a mess with her finances. She is 28 years old and has grown up without a dad since age 7, and now supports her ill mom and pays bills at home.

for all weekends we've spent together - we usually travel or do outdoor activities (which I LOVE to do!) and she fell into my frame/way of life. This requires me to spend a considerable amount of money.

now. I really don't expect her to pay her way or match my investment. however, she has not offered to pay for a breakfast or lunch since we started hanging out. on a few occasions she's paid bar tabs when we go out to party but that's about it.

lately she has been very adamant about spending anything, but seemingly enjoys our time together.

what is a good way to bring up the talk re finances to her? I tried bringing it up to her this past weekend but since she doesn't have experience with relationships and cannot communicate openly and maturely she sort of brushed it off.

She said she's servicing a loan, paying off her credit card, and trying to balance the little money left to her after taking care of house bills.

I don't want to fall into a weak frame or look weak with her bringing up finance as an issue. However, it also bothers me that she doesn't even offer to pay breakfast or lunch.

would appreciate any advice down this avenue! thanks so much!

 

[Reykhel]

but seemingly a mess with her finances

Not ltr material

has grown up without a dad

not ltr material

She said she's servicing a loan,

not ltr material

paying off her credit card,

not ltr material

 

[Barrister]

You referred to her as a "plate" you've been seeing for three months. I don't think you even discuss finances until you're fully committed to each other (if that happens). You're a ways off from that it sounds like. If you want her to pay for some of your joint activities try discussing it with her. If she flips out she's clearly not LTR material.

No matter what happens, ALWAYS keep separate accounts.

 

[Roober]

Well, it sounds like you already set the expectations that you pay for everything, is that correct? Now you want to change?

Imagine she gives you all the sex you want, then says no every day. How are you going to feel?

You need to reset expectations. I would start by picking cheaper activities.

 

[ohrein]

cannot communicate openly and maturely

This is bad. Very bad. Big three predictors of relationship success are mental health, compatible values and communication.

I've never really thought about finances. What is there to discuss exactly? I'm six months into an LTR and we roughly 50/50 everything. We've never "discussed" finances. Sounds like she's got a lot in her life that's straining her financially. It sounds like your frame has already slipped in terms of spending on her so it'll be tricky to get it back, especially since it sounds like she's not great with money.

 

[R.U.G.]

Run. You cut the spending on her, she'll change. Right now, since you're flipping the bill for everything, she doesn't mind kicking it with you. Though, if you stop paying for things or insist she starts to chip in, the sex will slow or stop, and she'll slowly float away... Like a ghost. Right now, you are convenient for her. In her defense, she has a lot on her plate. However, you're falling into a provider role. Stop it. I know, easier said than done, but that's life.

 

[El Payaso]

Red flags everywhere. Do not proceed. Please make a U-turn.

 

[marmel75]

So you start out by spending a bunch of money on her and excuse it by its "your way of life"? Well then continue on your way of life then, what's the problem?

If you dont want to spend a bunch of money then you shouldnt have been doing this from the beginning. People do stuff ass backwards...you start by spending money and then want to stop? You shouldn't have STARTED spending this kind of money especially when she is a "plate".

Just stop spending it but dont be surprised if she just loses interest. She might be interested in the beta bucks.

 

[BeExcellent]

Why remain involved with this drama when you can find other women in the 7-8 department in looks without all these (MAJOR) issues?

She's a plate correct? Not your only plate? Not your girlfriend?

If the money issue is bugging you quit doing stuff that costs money and observe her behavior. Tell her you have some of your own obligations you need to focus on if she asks.

In the book of Pook there is talk about only give to a giver, because a taker will simply take, continue to take, and will siphon off resources for herself and her close associates (family etc.).

She does not sound generous. Do not become responsible for her, her family & all these problems you inherit regarding her.

You are better to pick someone else.