Drinking and losing things

[sazc]

I'm sorry @Murkserious but your posts are full of cliche statements - the statements people make who are running head on into problems.

Some insanely huge contradictions here my man, not merely one U-turn. First you essentially admit you can't stop drinking (even though you're trying to rationalise it with it being part of the socialising/freebies). Then you say you'll keep it to a minimum "within reason" (which is a way of not giving yourself a set limit by being really vague, so you can ignore it easier).

Then you end by saying your life "revolves" around drink and drugs, suggesting it's a pretty crippling addiction to me. Pretty hard sentence to read. When your life revolves around any one thing completely that isn't healthy, let alone when it's addictive habit-forming substances.

But then we follow up with another kidding-yourself contradiction as you say that despite "revolving" around these substances you will keep it to a "controllable" level. But what is controllable? We already have you wishing you were downing vodka while you were at work.

Every heroin junkie or booze-addled homeless man starts out thinking their habits are "controllable". I think you're already beyond control in hindsight now, I think like others said that you need to stop drinking entirely.

Anyway I don't mean to lecture. Not my business to tell you what to do. But I think you need to re-assess this stuff pretty seriously if you want to be in control and healthy.



Re-read this. Remember how you felt. Is that worth it? And this is pretty much just the beginning of the spiral.



You're probably kidding/joking about with that last line, but in a more serious light...it was you that made the choice to go out. You've always got the power to resist the suggestions of friends and hangers on.

I've turned down nights out with my best mates frequently if I know it'd be a bad idea/irresponsible and although it sucks at the time it feels SO much better in the long run. Saying it's other's fault (even in a jokey way) is kind of a cop-out for allowing yourself to be lead even when you know it's bad for your health.

I'm seeing a lot of rationalisation of unhealthy and addicted behaviour here.

Anyway, good luck mate, I'll quit preaching. Just want to help...take care of yourself.

^^Yep

 

[BeExcellent]

Deny, defend, and rationalize. Addicts are the best at it.

Until you make a mistake from which you cannot recover.

Think about that.

And for the record I agree with @Reykhel about AA. I got put on the witness stand once in a court case (long story) as an expert witness. The plantiff's attorney asserted (regarding the defendant) the AA mantra about isn't an alcoholic always an alcoholic, and an addict always an addict?

My answer? No. It has everything to do with the individual propensity for misuse or abuse and the compound being used. Different individuals respond to different compounds to different degrees and for different reasons. So no.

My ex considered himself drinking to an excessive level before I met him. He had corrected course without AA or other psuedo religious organizations on his own and his buddies still at times tell funny (and somewhat alarming) stories about his drinking escapades. He quit cold turkey while working in the bar/club industry. When I met him he was a teetoler who owned a nightclub [Imagine]...he has since, after years of not drinking, eased back into reasonable alcohol consumption and he did this with caution while we were married. He rarely drinks to excess and he is always aware of how that pleasure can get the better of him nowadays.

He works out regularly, watches his diet closely and has adopted the "moderation" stance on booze to his benefit.

But he was completely off the sauce for the better part of 10 years.

 

[Reykhel]

The first time you make a mistake it's an accident, the second time you make a mistake it's on purpose, the third time you make that same mistake it's no longer a mistake, it's a habit.

yes, that's what buddhists call "habit energy". Once the habit becomes energy.....

I flirted with the gay waiter for it

Slippery slope. Watch were that energy is going.

So technically it's my best friends fault.

serious thread, saying this even in jest......you cannot even afford to joke about handing responsability for your life over to someone else.

My life revolves around drink and drugs and I think if I keep it to a controllable level it will be fine.

Famous last words.

maybe you'll survive maybe you won't.

Re-read this. Remember how you felt. Is that worth it?

you can take a horse to water...

Until you make a mistake from which you cannot recover.

Sobering words. Just words for some. Sobering words for others. Some ****e you cannot ever get back.

 

[Macaframalama]

I'm against that. But I'll be open minded and listen...can you say why you recommend that?

I'll briefly tell you why I don't:

In a nutshell, AA is an insidious dangerous religious cult (note: I'm very much not anti religion)

AA wants you to believe that you have a disease. ok? Fvck that ****e completely.

AA needs you to buy into a FRAME. Within that frame there are beliefs and concepts. You end up believing all of those beliefs and concepts and operating within the AA frame. Jesus, there's too many examples........"once I start I cannot stop"...ok so this is AA doctrine and maybe a lot of days you can moderate and others you fvcking binge. Buy the AA frame and then suddenly those days when you could moderate become "I am an alcoholic, when I drink I don't stop" and you can imagine what happens every time.......

AA needs you to say "I am an alcoholic". Even when you have been teetotal for five years, you still must identify as "an alcoholic"

This is self defeating.

AA wants you to say that you are "powerless", that the people that can drink are "normies" (and you are not a normie", AA puts the responsability on your "disease"

oh I could go on

I think AA can be a good thing for some ppl. I've seen it turn a few lives around. I'm allot like OP with my drinking and the folks at AA didn't seem to think I fit the "true" definition of what an alcoholic was, because I didn't wake up to the bottle day in day out. Mind you I went on my own free will, where as just about everybody else was there by court order. "One of the lucky ones" was the phrase they used to describe me. I'm sitting back thinking, yea my baby mama just jumped out of moving vehicle, killing her, 30 minutes after dropping me off from partying with them and I'm listening to some b!tch rant and rave over her neighbors letting their dogs chit at the end of her drive way for 30 fvcking minutes. Fvck that. @Murkserious you are a step ahead by realizing you have a problem and the will to do something about it. You have to want it though and you have to fill the void. Allot of ppl will disagree with this, but if there's a woman in your rotation that you think you might have the opportunity to grow as a person with, that is an option and will help fill some time. While I ultimately think it's better to get your chit together on your own first, we are all put on this earth to learn from one another and I kind of think that relationships aren't meant to last forever anyways, but there's lessons to be learned of you keep an open mind. Fitness is another one. Set some goals and stick with them come hell or high water. You slip up, party all night and left with a hangover the next day, when you have a session scheduled, tough chit. Motivation won't always be there. Dedication should. As Reykhel said, AA has you admit you are powerless, when accountability is exactly what everybody in that group needed, myself included.

 

[Reykhel]

my baby mama just jumped out of moving vehicle, killing her, 30 minutes after dropping me off from partying with them

that happen bro?

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

"One of the lucky ones" was the phrase they used to describe me. I'm sitting back thinking, yea my baby mama just jumped out of moving vehicle, killing her, 30 minutes after dropping me off from partying with them and I'm listening to some b!tch rant and rave over her neighbors letting their dogs chit at the end of her drive way for 30 fvcking minutes. Fvck that.

Sorry to hear that mate. Yeah most people really lack perspective and get upset over s**t that isn't even worth worrying about. They think their tiny stupid problems are a matter of life and death when they really aren't.

My mother was arguing with a cashier over a misplaced coin the other day and I just thought "Holy f*ck, out of all the problems in the world to get stressed about this is really not worth it. We're all going to be 6 feet under one day FFS."

As for alcoholism as a definition, I think it's very hard but I'd say it's best described as when drinking it becomes compulsive and/or you don't have control.

I'm working from home, very stressed, and over Christmas I bought lots of alcohol. Soon I was drinking it "for the stress" in the evenings, but it was daily and creeping closer to lunch time. Now I nowhere NEAR have an alcohol problem, but I could see something like that developing if I'd not been sensible with my mindset and I'd made it proper habit.

It's very easy to slide into abusing a substance rather than enjoying it, especially with stressful stimuli in your life.

Having a beer to unwind is fine, having a beer to compulsively self medicate or seek refuge from reality is when it starts going down that gnarled, dark path.

 

[Macaframalama]

that happen bro?

Yea, 4 years ago last November. Two days, before Thanksgiving.

 

[Macaframalama]

Sorry to hear that mate. Yeah most people really lack perspective and get upset over s**t that isn't even worth worrying about. They think their tiny stupid problems are a matter of life and death when they really aren't.

My mother was arguing with a cashier over a misplaced coin the other day and I just thought "Holy f*ck, out of all the problems in the world to get stressed about this is really not worth it. We're all going to be 6 feet under one day FFS."

As for alcoholism as a definition, I think it's very hard but I'd say it's best described as when drinking it becomes compulsive and/or you don't have control.

I'm working from home, very stressed, and over Christmas I bought lots of alcohol. Soon I was drinking it "for the stress" in the evenings, but it was daily and creeping closer to lunch time. Now I nowhere NEAR have an alcohol problem, but I could see something like that developing if I'd not been sensible with my mindset and I'd made it proper habit.

It's very easy to slide into abusing a substance rather than enjoying it, especially with stressful stimuli in your life.

Having a beer to unwind is fine, having a beer to compulsively self medicate or seek refuge from reality is when it starts going down that gnarled, dark path.

I would describe alcoholism the same way pretty well. If it's causing problems, regardless if it's to self medicate or you just end up making bad choices that end up with negative consequences during what was suppose to be a good time doesn't matter imo. I've always been the latter, but I've been pretty good about either knowing when to hit it and quit it or not getting caught up in anything major. It's just what everybody seems to do to socialize where I'm from. It doesn't make it any easier that I actually enjoyed that lifestyle for many years. It takes a toll on the body and mind and it just takes one bad decision to really fvck up your life.

 

[Reykhel]

I would describe alcoholism the same way pretty well. If it's causing problems, regardless if it's to self medicate or you just end up making bad choices that end up with negative consequences during what was suppose to be a good time doesn't matter imo. I've always been the latter, but I've been pretty good about either knowing when to hit it and quit it or not getting caught up in anything major. It's just what everybody seems to do to socialize where I'm from. It doesn't make it any easier that I actually enjoyed that lifestyle for many years. It takes a toll on the body and mind and it just takes one bad decision to really fvck up your life.

so you knocked it on the head all together now or?

 

[Reykhel]

AVRT

this is rational recovery, an alternative to aa

 

[Macaframalama]

so you knocked it on the head all together now or?

Haha. It's rough not falling back into old habits. Split with the BM at about 25'ish and it's been debauchery ever since, up until about 33-34'ish, when I thought about settling down. A year long relationship and a two year long relationship since then. ONS and FWB's in between. Sobered up for a big part of the last one. It's the in-between that is the killer in regards to falling back into old habits. You can roll the dice and go out day gaming, which the rewards are higher with better quality usually, but the opportunities are a little more sparse. The party scene is almost always a guaranteed bet. Everyone is all at the same place, at the same time, looking for the same thing. There's still some good females at these functions, here and there, but generally everyone's just there to get their rocks off. I've always been one hedge my bets, but I'm trying to phase out the party lifestyle. It's hard to walk away from the sure thing, but a premium is placed on quality for a reason.

 

[Dingo]

Dude....

You got a problem.

Good thing is that you recognize it.... that is half the battle.

Get help... Good luck.

 

[Murk]

Yea, 4 years ago last November. Two days, before Thanksgiving.

Awful.

Same exact thing happened to my friend about 9 years ago too. Arguing with his GF on the motorway (highway) and stepped out into oncoming traffic. He was about 20.

Anyway, I appreciate all the posts comments and PMs. This is definitely something I'm trying to resolve and dig deep on. I spoke to my therapist last Thursday and explained how I felt. He said it's no surprise I'm choosing to go out and see people and drink, the alternative is being at home, alone, feeling guilt that I couldn't save my mum dying from cancer. I literally watched her die, the strongest most powerful person in my life, my rock and my comfort, reduced to skin and bones, unable to eat or talk. A skeleton, it still haunts me. I'm not close with my family, my grandma's second husband abused my mother, which ultimately killed her as she didn't go to smear tests as it was too invasive for her, but this allowed abnormal cells to grow in her cervix which developed into cervical cancer. By the time they found it, they predict she must have had it for 10 years. I thought I could have researched some natural remedies, alternative ways to beat cancer for her, instead I hid, I let the doctors and my family deal with her. But my therapist has helped me realise I'm not to blame and I couldn't do anything to save her.

I drink and go out because the alternative is pain, and my therapist says it's a survival mechanism. Be charming, be fun, be around people.

I'm at work and quite drunk, I went on a date last night and as I've not had a phone for a week, I bought an iphone 6s for £50 from the sister of the girl I've always loved since school (will update that thread later). I didn't set an alarm and woke up at 10am today (I start work at 8:30am). I banged a girl who is the little sister of a girl that was in my class in school, this girl is now 25 and gorgeous. Anyway. I feel quite ****ed up and I defo have a drinking problem.

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

...feeling guilt that I couldn't save my mum dying from cancer. I literally watched her die, the strongest most powerful person in my life, my rock and my comfort, reduced to skin and bones, unable to eat or talk. A skeleton, it still haunts me.

The fact you were there for her is all that matters dude. If you were jetskiing about in Florida and taking selfies on a yacht while she was sick, or trying to get her money off of her or something, you would have reason to feel like a piece of sh*t.

But you weren't, you were there for her and I'm sure she knew that you loved her very much.

My grandfather had a stroke a few years ago and I spent 4 years with my parents basically helping out and looking after him. We lived an hour away, but every week we would go up there and talk to him, help him out.

My uncle is a selfish piece of sh*t and lives literally 5 mins walk away, didn't help out for 4 years and in fact bad-mouths my grandfather for no reason every chance he gets.

Yet he doesn't feel any guilt, but my Mum (who constantly helped out) does. It's because you're a decent person and you love someone that you feel bad, if you didn't feel bad you'd be a pr*ck like my uncle.

I thought I could have researched some natural remedies, alternative ways to beat cancer for her, instead I hid, I let the doctors and my family deal with her. But my therapist has helped me realise I'm not to blame and I couldn't do anything to save her.

I concur completely with your therapist. As a Chemist I can tell you that home remedies are essentially the exact same thing as the medicines doctors prescribe but without the application of years of testing and refinement.

Cancer treatments are pretty primitive since they're largely non-selective between healthy cells and cancerous ones, but they're still a lot better than herbal extracts. There was nothing more you could have done than a qualified doctor - except lend your love and support, which you did.

I drink and go out because the alternative is pain, and my therapist says it's a survival mechanism. Be charming, be fun, be around people.

Do you have any more introverted hobbies? Anything artistic?

I paint and make models myself. Call it as nerdy as you want, I think the end result is beautiful and it's a rewarding skill that lets me just be on my own and forget about the world.

Nothing wrong with going out with people, but when it leads to drink and drugs as a continuous thing it becomes problematic. I would personally try to medicate the pain with a creative output that doesn't harm you.

For example, play an instrument or take up painting, that's something you will really start to enjoy that at the same time will not damage your mind and body.

 

[Reykhel]

This is some hore****e.

This guy's therapist is enabling him. Sure the therapist is a gynocentric male or a woman who is mollycoddling him, if the therapist even exists.

He's using his dead mother as an excuse to drink and drug. Fvck that.

This is pure victim mentality when you use someone else's death like this either to gain sympathy (therapist smooth) or as an excuse to wreck your own life. You mourn the death of someone for a certain amount of time but then when it is over prolonged it's no longer about the deceased.....it's about you. You're using it to frame you as a sympathy seeking victim.

We not honor the deceased mother by getting his life together beginning with ditching the drink and drugs.

So what if your mommy forgot to pick you up from soccer practice one night (insert whatever family trauma).

Overcome.

So what if he lives alone or whatever bull****e excuse was given. One can socialize without alcohol. There are a multitude of options.

The fella likes to drink and drug. That's it. There are no other reasons, just excuses. Unfortunately, his vice is causing problems in his life........

.....so a decision has to be made: (Remember that no decision is still a decision.) Continue as a victim wrecking your life or take responsibility for your problems and overcome them.

The death is an excuse. He was still a drunk stumblebum before the cancer and death.