Getting over an Ex...

[Scuba Steve]

In another post on this forum, one of the guys made the following statement:

"To heal you need time. Women, drink, drugs, random sex will make a person feel more shallow and become more empty. And it extends the time needed to heal."

I'm recently separated (Since December 2017) from my wife of 21 years who I am still very much in love with. She has ZERO interest in reconciling. I was chasing her, basically doing everything that your not supposed to do, until, in the 3rd week of February, a buddy of mine turned me onto the Red Pill, The Rational Male and this site. That's when I learned about how a woman's message is in her actions not in her words. I figured out that for some unknown reason, she would not tell me in finality, that it was over, but her actions were telling me something different. That's when I stopped chasing and I haven't heard from her since (3 weeks).

My question is???

Is that statement, quoted above, from the other post true?

I am being told by my friends that I will only start to get over her and move on when I start f*cking other women.

I'm really hurting and want to get over her as quickly as I can, especially since I know she's talking to (and probably f*cking other men (one of which is a bar tender, who is ten years younger (she's 41 he's 31) where my 20 y/old daughter works, who actually helped hook them up... But that's another whole issue)...

Thoughts and advice would be appreciated...

 

[Spaz]

It was me who wrote that sentence.

And yes it's true.

I strongly suggest working on your frame 1st, that will keep you busy.

An idle mind tends to wander off aimlessly.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Okay good, your marriage ended, better now then never right? you will learn studying this whole pua stuff that marriage and your typical exclusive relationships are fake and go against human nature.

fastest way to healing would he to read your fvxking ass off.. disown any idea about religion.. read sex at dawn like it's your fvcking bible. study social conditioning.. etc

took me a few years of excruciating heartbreaks to finaly get to the cause of why I was so screwed up. and doing the above healed me (;

 

[EroticWriter]

F*ck younger women, bro. F*ck older women if you want. Now that your life has been given back to you. Throw your ex-wife away. . Time to upgrade your arsenal of poon. Time to be selfish bro and think of the carnal stuff a single guy like you can do right now.

 

[strikerace13]

Think of it as she did you a favor as you now can learn how to do it right this time. Read all you can about holding a strong frame with women as I learned from my ex as I kicked her out. I learned from these forums to help me get ready to kick her out, towards the end it was no big deal. It was hard at first for me and I had to take sometime off from women to get my head on straight. In the end she taught me a valuable lesson about why she ended it and how to not make the same mistake. The forums show me where I went wrong during the relationship and where I need to improve to not have it happen again.

 

[Killakittie]

I can't speak for others but ****ing other women didn't do **** to help me get over my ex wife. I would create a POF account, get five or six numbers in a day or two, go on three or four dates, and bang two. It would feel good that I was still desired, but I already knew that, and hooking up for me at the time still felt wrong. I really just wasn't ready. So the saying "start fvcking other women" doesn't work, it's not a universal truth, no magic pill there.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Spend time improving yourself. If there are things/interests that you’ve always wanted to do but didn’t have time, the time is now.

Don’t be afraid to lean on your friends. You might find that they’ve been through similar situations and have dealt with the same feelings.

Spin plates. I’m not talking one night stands. Get 2 or 3 women you see regularly. Have fun with them. Enjoy the variety of sex with different women.

And, congratulations on your friend pointing you toward Rollo. Read everything he’s written. I can’t say enough about how much it helped me to understand the true nature of women/relationships.

Give yourself some time. You don’t get over a relationship that long overnight. You’ll still be realizing things years later. But you can enjoy your life and you can enjoy other women as you learn and move forward.

-Augustus-

 

[speed dawg]

I'm really hurting and want to get over her as quickly as I can, especially since I know she's talking to (and probably f*cking other men (one of which is a bar tender, who is ten years younger (she's 41 he's 31) where my 20 y/old daughter works, who actually helped hook them up... But that's another whole issue)...

Uhh....I think we're going to need some additional info here. Your DAUGHTER hooked her MOM up with a new guy? That's pretty f*cked up.

 

[Killakittie]

SLeeping with other women isn’t the first thing to do anyway. But yes it does help AFTER you’ve gotten control and a hold of yourself emotionally, which IS the very first thing you should do

The people who say sleeping with other women doesn’t work or didn’t help them is because they were still stuck on their exes and in denial or simply couldn’t get it together emotionally. So of course anything that’s gonna remind them of their ex is gonna indirectly reinforce their oneitis and extend the time it takes to break free.

Control your emotions. Ween yourself off this person and get on with life

Don't paint with such a broad brush. I kicked my ex wife out and filled for divorce I didn't have onitis nor was I in denial and I certainly didn't want her back. I simply wanted to do things for myself before bringing women around again.

 

[Killakittie]

no shlt. thats why i said it takes time to get it together emotionally first. even if you could care less about your ex. a break up is a break up.

dont be so thick

the ones painting with a broad brush are the people saying sleeping with other women does nothing to help. which is false

Your coming off pretty emotional yourself there buddy might want to take your own advice. What is true for you is not for everyone else. Absolutes don't mean **** around here. Op asked for opinions and that's what he's getting.

 

[Alvafe]

Uhh....I think we're going to need some additional info here. Your DAUGHTER hooked her MOM up with a new guy? That's pretty f*cked up.

makes you wonder what the **** he teach her........

but anyway like others said first thing make sure you are ok legally, if all its ok, second remove your daughter from your will and leave her nothing, if you still give her money cut that.

then you start to settle on your new life, when you are good in a nice place, taking care of yourself right you go and start to go out with friends and have fun

 

[Smartone84]

In another post on this forum, one of the guys made the following statement:

"To heal you need time. Women, drink, drugs, random sex will make a person feel more shallow and become more empty. And it extends the time needed to heal."

I'm recently separated (Since December 2017) from my wife of 21 years who I am still very much in love with. She has ZERO interest in reconciling. I was chasing her, basically doing everything that your not supposed to do, until, in the 3rd week of February, a buddy of mine turned me onto the Red Pill, The Rational Male and this site. That's when I learned about how a woman's message is in her actions not in her words. I figured out that for some unknown reason, she would not tell me in finality, that it was over, but her actions were telling me something different. That's when I stopped chasing and I haven't heard from her since (3 weeks).

My question is???

Is that statement, quoted above, from the other post true?

I am being told by my friends that I will only start to get over her and move on when I start f*cking other women.

I'm really hurting and want to get over her as quickly as I can, especially since I know she's talking to (and probably f*cking other men (one of which is a bar tender, who is ten years younger (she's 41 he's 31) where my 20 y/old daughter works, who actually helped hook them up... But that's another whole issue)...

Thoughts and advice would be appreciated...

First of all man my heart goes out to you. 21 years and to still be in love with the chick must be insanely tough. Would you mind giving me some details about why you separated though? Who dumped who? I am assuming since you're heartbroken she was at least the main initiator.

This all being said, take it from me, someone who has been through WAY too many heartbreaks in my 33 years on this Earth before I FINALLY was able to learn all there is to learn about women. Going beta after a breakup and chasing is something I'm guilty of too, and while sometimes it can be justified IMHO (you for example were married after all!) most of the time it's just plain wrong and almost always turns the girl away.

Below are the things, in order, that I believe are the best ways to begin moving forward, even though before you can do so, you MUST give yourself some proper time to be sad, mad, and to let all your emotions out. You're allowed to be angry right now. You're allowed to even cry. It's normal. If it takes a few weeks for this initial shock phase to last, that's fine.

1) Get out there, whether through friends or online dating, and try to secure a few quality girls to date.
-This really is the best medicine of all, without a doubt in my mind IMO. You can take classes at a college, work out multiple times a week, enhance your diet and whatever other things that will boost your self esteem, but nothing will get you over an ex quicker than nice companionship and sex with new women. It's that simple. You must screen these girls first though via texting/calling or looking at their social media's to make sure they are quality. The last thing you want is to end up on a bad date where you end up comparing said bad girl to your ex hence making you more depressed. I've been there and its not a good thing.

2) Spend time with or at least talk to friends and family
-This is something you should do immediately. Even if we're not talking about actual nights out or hang outs, simply talking to a friend or family member, getting your feelings out is healthy and good for you. You need support right now more than ever before I'm sure.

3) Therapy
-Nothing beats talking to a professional about what you're going through. Getting top of the line advice even if its common sense will feel good. Peace of mind. I've been there, and while everyone is different, I can tell you that every session helped heal me at least 5%

4) Spend more time at the gym

5) Eat healthy

6) Take a weekly class at a local college that you would enjoy

 

[Scuba Steve]

Uhh....I think we're going to need some additional info here. Your DAUGHTER hooked her MOM up with a new guy? That's pretty f*cked up.

My daughter works at a bar/restaurant across from where my wife works. The one bartender, who is mid thirties and "jacked" was always asking about my wife. (I did not know this until recently) My wife is 41 but looks 30 and is HB8 or higher. Now that we're separated, my wife goes in there every couple of weeks after work. Last time I was in there, I noticed this guy kept looking over at me but would not make direct eye contact amd was talking with the other bar tenders who would look over and laugh) I eventually went over to him and asked what his ****ing problem was. (Douche bag move, I know but I was pissed) He just laughed and went to the other side of the bar. I didn't take it any further because I didn't want to get my daughter in trouble and she was pissed that I said something. I left shortly thereafter and my daughter called me when she was done work and said that I was being an ******* and that the bartender is a great guy and makes her mother laugh. So I asked my daughter if her mother goes there to see him or her, to which she replied that it was none of my business because her mother and I are separated and he's such a nice guy and makes her mother laugh.

I'm not pushing the issue because I don't want to have issues with my daughter and at this point I know my wife is "talking" to a couple diferent guys and gking ebery weekend and is adamant about getting divorced...

 

[speed dawg]

My daughter works at a bar/restaurant across from where my wife works. The one bartender, who is mid thirties and "jacked" was always asking about my wife. (I did not know this until recently) My wife is 41 but looks 30 and is HB8 or higher. Now that we're separated, my wife goes in there every couple of weeks after work. Last time I was in there, I noticed this guy kept looking over at me but would not make direct eye contact amd was talking with the other bar tenders who would look over and laugh) I eventually went over to him and asked what his ****ing problem was. (Douche bag move, I know but I was pissed) He just laughed and went to the other side of the bar. I didn't take it any further because I didn't want to get my daughter in trouble and she was pissed that I said something. I left shortly thereafter and my daughter called me when she was done work and said that I was being an ******* and that the bartender is a great guy and makes her mother laugh. So I asked my daughter if her mother goes there to see him or her, to which she replied that it was none of my business because her mother and I are separated and he's such a nice guy and makes her mother laugh.

I'm not pushing the issue because I don't want to have issues with my daughter and at this point I know my wife is "talking" to a couple diferent guys and gking ebery weekend and is adamant about getting divorced...

That sucks pretty hard, man. I know it's easy for me to say but it doesn't seem like either of them respect you very much. Not a whole lot you can do at this point with that but just leave them alone. Avoid that bar for sure.

Myself, being red-pill and being married, even I know how difficult it can be at times to keep up that attraction. You have down moments. It is what it is.

If you have no other kids and your wife is working, consider yourself lucky. You probably don't have to do the alimony thing. Sounds like you're definitely going to have to move forward without your wife though. Just remember this, whether or not you are in love DOES NOT MATTER. Literally the only thing you can do is go no-contact.

I have no idea what do to about your daughter, as my kids are small and I just don't have that kind of experience. I guess you have to be there for her but don't enable her. I mean, she's 21 now, she's an adult, she is what she is. Females can be ruthless. It's a no-win situation. Are you financially supporting either of them in any way?

 

[Scuba Steve]

That sucks pretty hard, man. I know it's easy for me to say but it doesn't seem like either of them respect you very much. Not a whole lot you can do at this point with that but just leave them alone. Avoid that bar for sure.

Myself, being red-pill and being married, even I know how difficult it can be at times to keep up that attraction. You have down moments. It is what it is.

If you have no other kids and your wife is working, consider yourself lucky. You probably don't have to do the alimony thing. Sounds like you're definitely going to have to move forward without your wife though. Just remember this, whether or not you are in love DOES NOT MATTER. Literally the only thing you can do is go no-contact.

I have no idea what do to about your daughter, as my kids are small and I just don't have that kind of experience. I guess you have to be there for her but don't enable her. I mean, she's 21 now, she's an adult, she is what she is. Females can be ruthless. It's a no-win situation. Are you financially supporting either of them in any way?

She lives at home with my 16 year old son and her mother. I've been giving my wife $1,525.00 per month since we separated. Doing that more for my kids than for her. Haven't talked to lawyer yet because I believed we were gonna work it out.

 

[Roober]

I found that chasing women can just be a distraction which ends up feeling empty. When a relationship ends, we suffer emotions of loss. These are emotions no different than when a loved one dies. Only time can heal these wounds. And for each person, the duration of that time is different.

So what's important is to use this time to make yourself better...

Improve your mind by exercising, getting out with friends, confiding in your close friends and family

Improve your heart by talking to other women, reading and educating, sharing with others.

Improve your body by exercising, maximizing your looks potential, eating healthy, and sleeping good.

Improving everything in your life will give you the strength to persevere through the darkness as it gradually fades away. Sometimes, it will feel like an unending tunnel of darkness, but believe me and many others here. There is light at the end of the tunnel. And if you take care of yourself, you will come out a better man than before.

 

[speed dawg]

She lives at home with my 16 year old son and her mother. I've been giving my wife $1,525.00 per month since we separated. Doing that more for my kids than for her. Haven't talked to lawyer yet because I believed we were gonna work it out.

I can only tell you what I'd do in this situation.

1 - Focus on your job, working out, diet ie improving your physical appearance. Slow progress. You seem to be doing that already.
2 - I'd no-contact the wife except for strictly business, like whatever your money situation is, and kids. Keep it simple, and nice, and always have somewhere to be when she calls/texts/meets up, whatever. Leave her alone. This will be hard, but just do it. Fight through it.
3 - Write down any BS she does, and keep a journal of any interactions when it comes to the kids. Especially her exploits at this bar or whatever. This is for later if this crap goes the messy divorce route.
4 - Keep reading this site, esp the DJ Bible if you haven't already. Internalize the concepts. It's never too late.

Good thing is, your kids are nearly grown. Focus on your son, do things with him (if he will). Don't talk bad about your wife, just avoid that conversation. Trust me, that will pay off later.

And just realize, the more your improve yourself and do your own thing, the more your wife will want to come back. I wouldn't do it until she begs (if it happens, it may not). You don't really have a choice anyway.

What's your living situation? Some of these things make the red pill harder because you can't just disappear.

 

[Scuba Steve]

I can only tell you what I'd do in this situation.

1 - Focus on your job, working out, diet ie improving your physical appearance. Slow progress. You seem to be doing that already.
2 - I'd no-contact the wife except for strictly business, like whatever your money situation is, and kids. Keep it simple, and nice, and always have somewhere to be when she calls/texts/meets up, whatever. Leave her alone. This will be hard, but just do it. Fight through it.
3 - Write down any BS she does, and keep a journal of any interactions when it comes to the kids. Especially her exploits at this bar or whatever. This is for later if this crap goes the messy divorce route.
4 - Keep reading this site, esp the DJ Bible if you haven't already. Internalize the concepts. It's never too late.

Good thing is, your kids are nearly grown. Focus on your son, do things with him (if he will). Don't talk bad about your wife, just avoid that conversation. Trust me, that will pay off later.

And just realize, the more your improve yourself and do your own thing, the more your wife will want to come back. I wouldn't do it until she begs (if it happens, it may not). You don't really have a choice anyway.

What's your living situation? Some of these things make the red pill harder because you can't just disappear.

I've only been red pilled for about six to eight weeks. I'm in the process of reading the rational male. I have a list of other books that he recommends reading and recommended reading from this site. I am about halfway through the DJ Bible very interesting read. December 1st I was 248 pounds I'm 5 ft 8 in tall I woke up this morning at 2:03 so I've lost 45 lb since December 1st and that is from very strict diet actually not diet eating correctly taking in less calories during the week and I have my cheat day Friday and Saturday but I work out at the gym 4 nights a week and I do Brazilian jiu-jitsu and kickboxing Tuesdays and Thursdays so I'm trying to keep myself busy which sometimes helps sometimes doesn't. My living situation is I have a one-bedroom apartment that I pay a lot of money for but I am in the process of working out a deal with someone I work with to get a two-bedroom and split everything 50/50 which will cut my living expenses dramatically roughly eight hundred bucks a month and every pay. I go out and buy some type of new clothing anywhere from 50 to $75 worth of new clothing so I am trying to better myself in every aspect of my life but it's very very hard mentally especially after loving someone for 21 years

 

[Cejay]

Really good advice from the other fellas. I'll share my experience.

I jumped into dating right after my wife left. She was cheating and I needed the ego boost. I banged a couple, and it sort of helped but then it didn't. I got into a relationship a little while later and when it ended (after say 8 months) I was devastated. I was hit with the feelings I hadn't dealt with + the new relationship ending. It was tough.

When we are uncomfortable we will often reach for things, sex, alcohol, drugs, etc. Try not to do that. As the others have said focus on your health, career, making new friends and enjoying new experiences. You need to figure out what you like to do and what your hobbies are. Chasing p00n will suck up your time and just delay that. You can get to that later.