Corey Wayne - When an ex reaches back out

[Spaz]

Well this is pretty much the point of this entire thread. It would be perfectly fine if SHE suggests getting together first and then you ask her to come over, but Corey Wayne says to basically flat out ask her to hang out and if she rejects you, then you say ok no problem take care. Basically act like you don't give two f-cks. But my thing is, EVEN if she does like you and is not reaching out just for attention, by making yourself sound desperate and pathetic, there's a relatively decent chance it turns her off and she then has second thoughts. So @oldmanofthesea it really is easier said than done IMO, bc girls are still girls, and this is how their brains work. They may think they want you back a bit, then they see instantly that they can have it, and boom, suddenly they change their mind. We want what we can't have, right?

My plan as of right now is to basically do nothing, give her NO validation, unless SHE suggests or maybe hints at hanging out again.

Do this. Good job !

 

[Smartone84]

You’re just rationalizing your oneitis.

Not sure how this makes any sense. If anything, for starters I don't have Oneitis. I got over this girl in a matter of weeks and eventually almost completely forgot about her earlier this year. While I would entertain seeing her again, this thread was started probably more for general discussion of Corey Wayne's teachings as far as what to do when an ex/old flame comes back.

Women don’t just magically start liking you again after a short period of time or believe that they made some monumental mistake by walking away from you and then try to win you back.

Completely 100% agree and never implied that I thought so. When a woman's feelings are gone they are gone. They are no more and she certainly doesn't like you anymore. HOWEVER, there ARE memories. Those can never ever leave her mind, and as long as the ending wasn't horrific and as long as you weren't a complete beta while you dated and made a relatively decent impact during your time together, there usually IS some sort of chance of hearing from her again one day. And naturally, typically during a time of loneliness or frustration with other men, those memories may start to become stronger. Her heart grows fond of those good memories, and then the thoughts come in about reaching out in some capacity. This is what happened here with this girl. I'm well aware that it would take dating and it would take time for real feelings to develop for her again, and me too for that matter.

I've reached out to a few past plates in my life and I'll admit some were just out of loneliness and to try and get a lay and other times it was honestly bc I thought maybe, just maybe there could be something. ALL of those plates however didn't have horrific endings initially and they were a peaceful rekindles. Did they go anywhere? No. But I'm not a 100% firm believer in that if something doesn't work out the first time, it can NEVER work out again, especially if there were no real issues between the two parties originally.

Once a woman’s interest level drops beyond a certain point, there’s no bringing it back.

Agreed. But know that interest and feelings are two different things. When a woman still has feelings for you, she's not going to walk away easily. She's still going to be in your life. As far as general interest goes, that can linger IMO, and there may just be certain reasons they don't reach back out right away or anytime soon, whether it be bc of someone else she's involved with or whatever, but its a case where if someone put them on the spot and asked point blank "Would you ever consider going out with so and so again" they would probably answer yes. Would I ever consider going out with a couple out of my HUNDREDS of past plates in my life? The answer would be yes. Does that mean I have feelings for them? Absolutely not. It simply means there is SOME interest still there. Again, with regards to the ex gf's/plates, it all depends on what kind of impact you made during your time together as well as how bad the blowoff and how beta the guy may have acted.

This all being said, as noted above already, the one thing I think I've learned for sure is that for an ex to reach back out and act on her remaining interest in you, two things have to happen...

1- The ending could not have been catastrophic

2- You had to have made a good impact while you were dating

3- She needs to be single and (probably very) lonely

The subject girl of this thread fits all 3 of these categories

 

[oldmanofthesea]

You make some good points. There are some things Corey Wayne says that I don't 100% agree with - some I've learned from trial and error. Like his 3-5 day rule between a date and reaching back out to her. I started doing that and my results dropped. I still need to experiment a bit more with timing but it's just one example of where certain things are just his opinion.

Doing what you suggest doesn't seem to be a bad option but I'm thinking where you have to be careful is if she does hint at getting together. The next problem becomes: Is it a hint or is she actually asking you? Is it legit or is it just a ****-test to once again see if you are still wrapped up with her. So whether you do it right off the bat with the "bring a bottle of wine" or you play it a bit cooler and wait for her to bring it up, you will at some point still have to be vulnerable and put yourself out there. And if you do meet up, I'm guessing what MidnightCity said is right - she will likely **** test the hell out of you to see if you are the same you were. It just seems like a lot of work and pressure, which is why some people suggest putting that energy into something new instead, especially if you've slept with hundreds of women. But don't take my saying this to mean I think it's easy - I personally have a very difficult time finding women I'm attracted to, so exes I've had something with are extremely alluring to me and it's very challenging for me to just ignore them if they reach out to me.

You could always just wait until she asks you out first, but a lot of women won't do that.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

It's so crazy reading that because it makes sense from what I have seen and experienced in real life, yet it makes ZERO sense to me and just hurts my brain because I am not a woman and can't think like them..... that whole part about "interest". The sooner I learn to stop trying to figure it out, the better off I will be.

 

[Smartone84]

The next problem becomes: Is it a hint or is she actually asking you? Is it legit or is it just a ****-test to once again see if you are still wrapped up with her. So whether you do it right off the bat with the "bring a bottle of wine" or you play it a bit cooler and wait for her to bring it up, you will at some point still have to be vulnerable and put yourself out there. And if you do meet up, I'm guessing what MidnightCity said is right - she will likely **** test the hell out of you to see if you are the same you were.

Well fortunately my theory has always been that the women who sh--t test the hell out of you and make you "play the game" to a significant degree are the ones who are probably no good in the long run anyway. A truly GOOD girl who is genuine and has a good head on her shoulders isn't going to do these things. Sure there is always some basic "Game" involved, but seeing texts or whatever else that makes you wonder and think and come on these forums looking for answers - It's just bullsh-t. I'm 33 years old and have been involved seriously with a few girls now. None of them have made me pull out my "A game" so to speak. The ones that have didn't work out for one reason or another and I don't care about them. My point is IF this girl reaches back out again and begins to play some sort of game (which I wouldn't be surprised if she did), then honestly, I wouldn't even bother.

If a girl dumps you and reaches back out to you, 99% of the time is because she just wants validation and to remind herself real quick that she made the right decision.

I tend to disagree here. I've had two cases I can recall of a former plate reaching back out to me, both times I can assure you it wasn't just her needing "validation" she made the right decision or as I guess you're trying to imply . . . .to see if the guy is still Beta. I also have a friend who had an ex of 3 years reach back out to him after a year. She dumped him.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Out of curiosity, what happened to your friend who's ex reached back out for him?

 

[Smartone84]

In that particular case he never even responded. It was a very rough sudden breakup for bs reasons initially by her. 2 weeks after she dumped him he saw a photo of her on FB with another guy and he was forever done with her in his mind. But my overall point is its absolutely not true that 99% of the time they only reach back out for validation. In my opinion (and his) she legit wanted another chance there.

There are just so many variables. I was also blown off by a girl THIS year as well after an amazing 2 months when she suddenly left me for an ex that she said she needed to see things through with. It was terrible. She then came back to me the next DAY saying she thinks she made a mistake but was just "torn". I tried to back away but she would text me showing interest saying she misses me/doesn't really want things to be over, etc. Long story short we went back and forth for the next week or so with me acting kind of beta trying to pressure her into blowing this ex off and to pick things back up with me as I refused to become a second option/back burner guy. Eventually she said she'd feel "too much pressure" coming back with me and would be scared to hurt me ever again. We both faded from each other. I often wonder if she'll ever reach back out.

You just never know, and then when they do, you don't know how genuine it is.

 

[Smartone84]

Well in an update I still have yet to hear from her again after our conversation this past Saturday afternoon. I feel like this is just validating my thoughts that her reaching out was more random than anything else and that she may have just been looking for some attention. Verdict is still out, but that's just how it feels to me right now.

technically its not IMPOSSIBLE to raise your exs interest level in you again. again details matter for the process of analysis. even if she did dump you but you more or less handled things like a man. took your shots, licked your wounds and said "ah well, im gonna miss her but i gotta move on" and get on with your life and new women, instead of crying to her, blowing up her phone trying to "fix" things being up her @ss and otherwise sealing your fate

Details: (This is the other girl I referenced now) We dated for 2 months before she left me out of NOWHERE for an ex boyfriend the morning of New Years Eve when we had a party planned that night. I was hurt, plain and simple. I never ever got mad, lashed out or sweared, but what I did do was let her know just how devastated I was and explained that how she handled this was really quite unacceptable. This wasn't just a 2 month fun fling filled with 5 dates and a makeout. It was a jam packed 2 months filled with endless hangouts, sex, sleepovers, deep talks, christmas gifts being exchanged just a week earlier, etc. She also brought me to her work Christmas party, told her entire family about me, posted 2 photos of us to her social media and even went back on birth control for me halfway through, bought new lingerie she wore for me 2 weeks in, etc. Basically, she played me a bit in my eyes. She told me I was an amazing guy and it had nothing to do with me but that she only made the decision bc of their "history".

So when she came back the next DAY saying she may have made a "Bad decision" telling me she really did have feelings but was just "confused" and that her ex treated her like sh-t on their first night back out (wonderful how girls love that kind of thing, isn't it?), I'll admit that I did try save things a bit. It was at this point when I told her "Yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my life". Beta! I know! I told her the next night on the phone however that I wanted no part of this drama and that if she DID make a mistake to blow the ex off, delete him from social media, and come back to me and pick things up and how it would be fine although we would take things slow. She said she's thankful for that, that she WANTED a second chance but just couldn't end it with him so soon as she was "Scared" of what his reaction would be. On top of all this, she starts telling me she thinks she ruined everything anyway and she would be scared to god forbid ever hurt me again one day. We went back and forth for another week or so with her continuing to text me, at one point telling me how I was such an amazing guy and how I did things in just the 2 months that her ex never did for her. At one point she tells me she was going to blow him off but went back on her word. This was mindf-ck city. Eventually I sent her one final long last ditch effort text telling her that I understand she had to close a chapter with the ex and feelings are feelings but I'd really like to have her back in my life soon. This is when she told me how "I think it would be too hard". I told her I accept that and she STILL continued her games by replying saying she'd still like to see use my Xmas gift with her sometime (2 tickets to a museum exhibit in the city). She was a real mess who just couldn't let me go.

I was kind of beta, no doubt about it. I didn't have this one part of my game on track but at the same time I never experienced a situation of this magnitude. I also really felt like she may have thought that I secretly despised her so I felt a bit of "responsibility" to push the issue a bit and show her that I still liked her and would have given her a second chance. Regardless, after the last exchange, a few days later she TEXTS me small talk BS and I gave her a short answer and went back to NC. A week later she deleted both our social media photos and then soon posted a photo of her ALONE at the museum exhibit. I was disgusted and felt she had no consideration for my feelings posting that photo on a site I still followed her on. I subsequently deleted her off everything. So in this particular case I'm curious, while its obvious that she didn't like me nearly as much as I liked her, do you think I "Sealed my fate" so to speak or do you think she was just going through way too much and just couldn't see herself coming back with me at the time during all the drama? She never ONCE told me she needs "Space" or anything along those lines. Instead rather, she went push/pull with me. (btw its been 2 months since last contact). Ever since I've been doing everything right by realizing she was just an immature/irrational person to do what she did and I have dated several other girls.

 

[RedScorpion]

As ****ty as it is, I always prefer to follow a girls actions, rather than what they say. I've been fooled many a time where they profess something towards you, or them pushing heavily towards getting together and such. And so you accept... and it's all kind of bs. Even when I think 'wow, I've never seen a girl be this pushy for it' - yep. I almost suspect the ones that are too enthusiastic about it (comparing to yours where she says she leave the ex and you're so much better, etc.)

I don't think you sealed your fate or anything. Not even sure you could have done anything. But as I've grown older, I've learned to not give so much extended time trying to see if it'll work out (once I see the signs of the end). Not sure if that's a good thing or not. But she chose her actions.

Women can be held to their word as well. It's more common outside relationships perhaps - but maybe some part of that can be seen here. She's willingly spouting lies to comfort herself... that's how I'm generally seeing it. Saying things she clearly doesn't mean, as evidenced by that museum trip - AND posting pics of it online. Kind of a ***** move honestly.

If it was me, I'd be wary of her (as in, ehh... probably best to stay away for my own sake).

 

[nismo-4]

She got dropped by Chad and now she's looking for an emptional tampon.

Using terse terms instead of small talk is a good thing. But never take back an ex.

All this girl wants is a new orbiter. Don't be that guy.

 

[Smartone84]

As ****ty as it is, I always prefer to follow a girls actions, rather than what they say. I've been fooled many a time where they profess something towards you, or them pushing heavily towards getting together and such. And so you accept... and it's all kind of bs. Even when I think 'wow, I've never seen a girl be this pushy for it' - yep. I almost suspect the ones that are too enthusiastic about it (comparing to yours where she says she leave the ex and you're so much better, etc.)

You better believe it. Lesson learned in the couple of weeks after the blowoff for me. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. But emotions were running high. We had an intense two months. I truly believed she may have just made a horrible mistake and was going to come back in a short period of time. I gave in. I enabled her. I went back and forth. Never again. You want me? Text me when you do. Until then, don't text me.

I don't think you sealed your fate or anything. Not even sure you could have done anything.

Soon after all the smoke cleared after everything I realized this too. I truly believe that even if I didn't go so beta and told her something like I said above, there's probably a very good chance she wouldn't have returned. The girl did like me, but the harsh reality was that I was a glorified rebound. Seeing her back online(dating) shortly after everything pretty much confirmed this to me. Do I personally think I "sealed my fate" with this particular ex-plate? Hard to say. It's been 2 months now. It was kind of dramatic at the end so I still feel like its kind of fresh. While I did go kind of beta and got upset, it really was close to as justified as you can get IMO. Not that I would ever even consider taking her back short of the most grand apology in history followed by months of probation dating, but it would be nice to at least get that validation that she was wrong by seeing her reach out one day.

She's willingly spouting lies to comfort herself... that's how I'm generally seeing it. Saying things she clearly doesn't mean, as evidenced by that museum trip - AND posting pics of it online. Kind of a ***** move honestly.

After that photo was posted that for me was when everything she did went from just confused/boy crazy/attention seeking immature girl to downright stupid and hurtful. I honestly couldn't believe it when I saw it. Witty caption to go along with it, too. It was as if she was saying "Ok you're not gonna be my orbiter, well then you're done, and here's me using your Christmas gift to prove it to you."

It was a shock bc in the 2 months we dated I never met a more genuine seeming, mature, polite, family oriented girl. NO signs of immaturity short of maybe a mediocre cell phone addiction.

 

[logicallefty]

I had a 2.5year LTR that ended with me dumping her in late 2014. She send me a FB question in a panic because she almost got arrested and of course i am the smartest cop she knows (and maybe the only one lol). She wanted my expert advice on her situation. I was civil to her. She has a BF mind you, but she then sent me some nudes and asked me "Do I still do it for you". I told her that I liked the pictures but there was no chance I would ever agree to seeing her in person again. I was honest. Yeah the pics were hot as he|| and gave me a big ass b0ner but I also have other women to give that b0ner to and did not want to boost her ego and sacrifice my frame. From bits and peace I have picked up she is struggling financially, getting into both civil and criminal legal trouble, and is obviously with a BF she isn't into if she was willing to do what she did with me. I don't wish her harm but MAN OH MAN I do think its funny considering how much she used to brag about being so strong and independent.

She is not the only one of my exes who isn't living as well as they were when with me. In fact, I don't know of a single one who is.

 

[Smartone84]

sorry to break it to you, but you were just a surrogate bf. she obviously wasnt completely over her ex and you were a place holder for the real thing. a chick getting over a guy takes some real emotional detachment which many girls avoid by doing what this girl did to you. and they all end up regretting it because they put themselves and you in this predicament and likely sully any chances of succesfully getting that ex back if they found out they fvcked around with another guy in between.

its not personal. its just how it is. happens to a lot of guys. heck some dont even get the lay for their trouble.

but believe me, when you have a REAL relationship with a woman and she legit gets over you, you are desexualized to her and shes not coming back

I know I was just a temporary. It hurt. At the same time real feelings were developed by her as she told me several times including after she came back. I believe it to be true. We had such a nice 2 months but the reality is she was in no way over her ex. When I told her how wrong it was to go this ‘recipe for disaster’ route she told me she never thought her ex would contact her again. Yeah whatever. It still doesn’t change the fact that she was in no position to get involved as deep as she did with me. Early on she also foolishly told me she’s looking for something “long term” as well.

Was I guilty of getting a bit too attached in just 2 months? Probably. But honestly if I wrote a list of things this girl did and said you’d probably consider my feelings justified. But hey, at least I got some good sex out of it that she would tell me everytime how amazing it was. Only thing I continue to disagree with you on is the fact that a girl will never come back to you once over you. I’ve seen several stories on here and as noted earlier I am experiencing it myself right now although I have yet to hear from her again.

I dated a girl for 2 years. Horrible ending that dragged for a month or so. Mostly mutual. A year and a half later she texted me. We mutually became f-ck buddies for a month but we both knew no relationship could ever happen as there was simply too much damage. Still, SHE came back to ME. Do both parties always rekindle an actual relationship? All situations are different I suppose. In this case we mutually faded away.

In the case with the above referenced ex plate, I truly feel its a toss up on whether or not I ever hear from her again. There was drama but it wasn’t anything horrific imo. We didn’t have any issues between us personally. It was just this entire clusterf—- situation with the ex. There was such a strong chemical attraction between us and the sex and time we spent together were amazing. I did go kind of beta but she really put me through some BS. She knows this too. She told me in the aftermath how sorry she was and how she knows I don’t deserve anything like this. I eventually deleted her from my social media, but it had to be done. I needed to regain some self respect.

So you’ve never had an ex plate/gf come back to you at ANY point in your life?

 

[Smartone84]

I had a 2.5year LTR that ended with me dumping her in late 2014.

Just curious what caused the breakup?

 

[logicallefty]

Just curious what caused the breakup?

I was tired of her drama, laziness, and the amount of stress she added to my day

 

[lizardking82]

I have been broken up with the ex girlfriend that made me join this forum at first since now about 1 year and a half. She never really reached out, but she sends breadcrumbs my way here and there, liking some pics on Instagram or viewing my stories. She has a new boyfriend since about 3/4 months after breaking up with me (we were together for 2 years), but she never really "came back" let's say.

However, I have had other girls come back and sometimes we end up bangin' for a short while, but it never lasts and it is obvious to me that things do not even stand a chance of getting better. What was not compatible 2 years or 5 years ago is probably still there and people don't just change.

Look forwards, not backwards.

 

[Smartone84]

In a sense, they all “come back” at one point or another. But there’s a lot of factors at play that determines the outcome of that, but ultimately, they never come back in the sense that things go back to how they were when it was good.

This is what I was mostly referring to as well as far as them "coming back", however I still do believe there is always a small chance for two people to one day work things out in the future, as long as the reasons for the initial breakup weren't drastic. If two people were arguing day in and day out for months before the split, chances are a rekindle a year later isn't going to be much different as time goes on. The reason I feel my story with my ex-plate discussed previously is different and the only reason its still a thought in the back of my head is bc we had not a single solitary issue or blip on the radar in the (albeit short) time we dated. Sure it was honeymoon phase I know, but that doesn't matter much. Everything was great. It was just horrible timing IMO with her ex and the fact that she wasn't over him, and she then subsequently felt like she ruined everything and would have felt too much pressure coming back. I couldn't blame her much either as I've been there before. Thought about reaching about to an old plate of mine years ago that I blew off one time (she was hurt) but had second thoughts when I thought to myself, my lord what if I end up hurting her again? The thing about that plate at least was that it ended bc of issues between the two of us, not bc of some third party ex situation So I'm curious of your overall take on that particular ex-plate situation of mine.

 

[Billtx49]

The most foolish endeavor in life is to have hope where none exists…

 

[Smartone84]

I do not have any real hope. I was just trying to have some conversation about the topic at hand with regards to ex plates/ex gf's, how they come back, why they come back, etc. I've been enjoying this thread and if anyone else would like to share their experience of an ex returning, by all means.

Now...

UPDATE: Back to the ORIGINAL subject girl of this thread. For those just catching up, read my initial post. Last night, 6 days after her initial text/conversation with me, she texts me again! This is on a Friday night. She texts me talking about some BS topic that we had briefly talked about in our first conversation. Anyway I had no interest in this type of conversation and decided even before this text that I would not be giving her any attention unless she brought up hanging out. I responded with this:

"Hey. Would love to talk more about that if you want to come over one night next week for dinner. We can catch up too."

I kept it cool, casual, and basically let her know I was not interested in a becoming her text buddy at all.

Her response?

"I'd have to think about that."

No that sounds nice or thank you for the invite. No nothing. Just, "I'd have to think about that".

This is pretty much what I feared would happen. But to be honest, I don't care as much as I thought I would. The girl clearly wasn't super interested in seeing me again but instead just wanted some attention and validation, which fortunately for her I gave her. I did not respond after this. Dumb sl-t.

 

[RedScorpion]

Sounds fine. It maximized the chance of anything real happening. She was probably like you said looking for attention/validation by all chances. And if not, she'll come back with something. No response is the best here I think.