The Hardest Question I've Had to Ask Myself

[Glassguy]

I would agree that this ex still has power (even though maybe slight) over his thoughts and emotion. Obviously not nearly the amount she once had over him.

Last week I was going through some old paperwork at my house and came across the paperwork from when my ex fiance and I bought a dog together (now her dog). We broke up nearly 2 years ago, but since she still has the dog the paperwork could be important.

So I sent her a picture of the paperwork.

Me: I was going through some stuff at my place and ran across this paperwork. Do you need it or should I pitch it?
Her: I dont think I need it, so you can pitch it.
Me: Just checking. thanks
Her: Nice to hear from you. How is everything?

Then I deleted her message without responding back. Not that I wouldnt like to tell her how great things are, or ask how she has been. I deleted it because I know if I give the thought an inch, I could go down a road that isnt 100% beneficial to me. Its all about me at this point, how she feels from me not messaging back is not of my concern.

I felt very much indifferent when I texted her. It was no different than asking a stranger at the mall "Did you drop that dollar laying on the ground?"

The less control a chick has over you, the more you win. When you are completely indifferent of a chick that had control of you in the past, you have won.

 

[Desdinova]

So you are her alpha widow?

Let's see... I was with her for 4 years, and I was engaged to her. She was fairly significant in my life, but I've been able to move into relationships since her. I was with my ex-wife for 8 years, and I'm currently in another LTR for two years now.

I can easily say that she was my one-itis. There came a point where I no longer thought about her, thus making her one-itis status disappear. When she came back into my life, the only thing she had going for her was familiarity. I no longer find her to be highly attractive. I had no desire to fvck her.

Let's go back to my original question.... I joined Sosuave because I coudn't understand WTF happened that caused the relationship to fall apart, and how the hell to get back out into the dating world. The only thing I had going for me was I accepted that the relationship was over. My original question was... Did I do all this self-improvement for the sole purpose of getting her back into my life? The thing is, I know damn well I could have easily started dating her again. I know she came over one night, done up in makeup and nice clothing solely to ask me to give 'us' another shot. I didn't give her the opportunity to propose the idea. I didn't want her to. If we had dated, I probably would have eventually dumped her. The 5hit that I put up with as an AFC is 5hit that I cannot tolerate after my transformation. People's perceptions of a person generally don't change even if the person has changed.

Now, one-itis for men and women are different. For men, it's a temporary malady. Men can get over women. It may take some time, but I firmly believe that a man can completely get over a relationship. As for a woman, one-itis is a terminal disease. I firmly believe that a significant man will always trump other men.

I was merely asking a question in regards to him being alpha widow, because that's how is post read to me - pining over potential lost chances and the "what if's" of a relationship that ended a very long time ago.

There are no "what ifs" about my previous relationship with her. I don't think about how we would have progressed, if at all. I'm actually glad she ended the relationship, because I've transformed myself into a much better, much stronger, and even a much more entertaining person.

Again, let's go back to my original question. Did I do all this self-improvement so I could start over again with her? It's still a difficult question to answer. The fact that she dumped my ass motivated me to do something about myself. It turned me into a person who could easily re-seduce her and have her back in my life, and that opportunity presented itself numerous times. It wouldn't have been difficult. I could have had her back if I wanted, but does that really co-ordinate with everything I changed about myself? Is going back to this particular ex a good thing? I can't answer that either, because I'm a different person than I was back then. I cannot hypothetically place myself in that situation.

BTW it's not "Desdinovas" high score theory. It's actually all over the internet and contained in "The Rational Male". Unless Desdinova is being plagiarized all over the internet?

I highly doubt I've been plagiarised all over the internet, but let's not forget that the guy who wrote The Rational Male did spend a significant amount of time here, and we even moderated the forum together.

 

[Magotrox]

this is the exact same scenario myself and how many billions of other other guys have gone though in history and I'm getting flat out sick of it.

man meets gurl
gurl meets guy
becomes each others one "true" love
everythings falls apart like a mf'r
man lives rest of life hurt..
girl gets preg by faggits.

HOW MANY GODDAM TIMES HAS THIS SAME FCCKING THING HAPPENED IN HISTORY?!

starting to really think to just fvck the human heart off altogether, it's a sack of chit that simply doesn't work lol.

it makes you live in pain for years over a btch.
pathetic..

when God made human hearts he was like "duddeee these poor bastards are gonna be pissed!!!" hahahha

Nature has her own rules. Or you learn them and surf the waves, or you ignore them and keep being crushed by every wave that comes. These histories are always the same. Yep! But you can make YOUR life different.

 

[AJ84]

The more a woman loses herself in a relationship with a guy, the more likely the chances of being what you call alpha widowed.

The key is not to lose herself in the relationship, no matter how good it is. Have her own thing going, keep a bit of herself to herself. That's what guys here advise other guys to do and it's smart and wise and women should be doing the same.

That's not to say you can't be loyal, supportive, and attentive, but no one should be that absorbed into another person, it's not healthy for her or him.

 

[lizardking82]

The more a woman loses herself in a relationship with a guy, the more likely the chances of being what you call alpha widowed.

The key is not to lose herself in the relationship, no matter how good it is. Have her own thing going, keep a bit of herself to herself. That's what guys here advise other guys to do and it's smart and wise and women should be doing the same.

That's not to say you can't be loyal, supportive, and attentive, but no one should be that absorbed into another person, it's not healthy for her or him.

You practically cannot do the same thing as a woman. Guys are definitely not supposed to lose themselves in a relationship since it is supposed to be a secondary thing to them while women, naturally, value a good partner a family much more than a man does.

Women not losing themselves in a relationship means they are just to chicken **** to make a choice of man. Just like being a man has its difficulties, don't think that being a woman is a stroll in the park. Being such an emotional creature makes it very hard for women to choose a GOOD MAN. We discussed this in another thread, most women are proving just how ****ed up their decision making skills are since feminism...you got women choosing and 50 % of marriages end in divorces, 80% of them being started by women. Decision making is an area women are complete beginners in, that is why all the mistakes.

 

[Desdinova]

The key is not to lose herself in the relationship, no matter how good it is. Have her own thing going, keep a bit of herself to herself. That's what guys here advise other guys to do and it's smart and wise and women should be doing the same.

Find me a woman who did this, and married a strong, confident man after she entered her 30s.

Meanwhile, this just showed up in my Facebook feed. I left out the pointless (and personal) garbage...
-------------------------------------

Twenty six things about me
Age: 34
Biggest Fear: being a single old lady
Drink you had last: bud light
Everyday starts with: good morning texts lol
Favorite song right now: bam by jay z and Damien Marley
Ghosts, are they real?: helllllll yes
Love someone?: absolutely
Jealous Of: those mfs that can eat anything without putting a pound on
Killed someone: not yet ..... night is still young
Last time you cried: a week ago maybe?
One wish: to have a white picket fence life.
Person you last called: my mom ( I woke her up cuz I’m a drunk ass )
Question you are always asked: how did u lose all ur weight? Diet and exercise who woulda thunk
Reason to smile: knowing my daughter is the most smart and beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
Song last sang: crazy ***** lol
Time you woke up: I slept in today So 10
Underwear color: pink
Vacation destination: Dominican again
Worst habit: putting my fingers in my mouth .
X-rays you had: lots lol I think every part of my body
Your favorite food: chicken breast , and baked broccoli/ asparagus
Zodiac sign: Aquarius

 

[AJ84]

You practically cannot do the same thing as a woman. Guys are definitely not supposed to lose themselves in a relationship since it is supposed to be a secondary thing to them while women, naturally, value a good partner a family much more than a man does.

Women not losing themselves in a relationship means they are just to chicken **** to make a choice of man. Just like being a man has its difficulties, don't think that being a woman is a stroll in the park. Being such an emotional creature makes it very hard for women to choose a GOOD MAN. We discussed this in another thread, most women are proving just how ****ed up their decision making skills are since feminism...you got women choosing and 50 % of marriages end in divorces, 80% of them being started by women. Decision making is an area women are complete beginners in, that is why all the mistakes.

I respectfully disagree with you, because you are assuming that women value a good man and a family much more.

Look back at the numerous topics on issues men are facing with women whether dating or in relationships. A good guy posts about being treated badly by his gf, stories about being dumped by women though the guy treated them well and were good guys. Common stories here. So either all these guys are not the good guys they think they are, or those women don't value good guys. Not valuing people leads to dumb decisions based on illogical reasoning and emotions, hence some girls dumping a nice guy because some player is more emotionally exciting to be around. If she truly valued being with the good guy, she would not of made that dumb decision.

You stated that women not losing themselves in a relationship means they are too chickensh*t to make the choices of a man. But men are advised here time and time again not to give too much, hold back, essentially not lose themselves in a relationship so I don't understand your point here.

But it is chickensh*t in the sense that a woman may not want to risk getting hurt by giving too much. And if what you stated was true re men not valuing family and a good partner like a woman does, then can you blame her? Why would she lose herself in a relationship that the other person values less? Why would anyone?

Feminism may have contributed to women valuing this less than they did say 60 years ago, but men also value those things less than they did 60yrs ago. Back in those days people's relationship status was used to determine their stability and worthiness. A single woman among her married peers was likely seen as unstable, or having loose morals. A single man among his peers was seen the same way, in fact back in those days being a single man didn't look good career wise as being a husband and father was a sign of stability, maturity, and being responsible which was equated to being a better employee.

It's 2018. Some women value having a good man and a family, and some don't. Some guys value this and don't. It is what it is and there's something for everybody.

So, don't assume what a women values, no matter what she says. Go by her actions and your gut feeling.

 

[AJ84]

Find me a woman who did this, and married a strong, confident man after she entered her 30s.

Meanwhile, this just showed up in my Facebook feed. I left out the pointless (and personal) garbage...
-------------------------------------

Twenty six things about me
Age: 34
Biggest Fear: being a single old lady
Drink you had last: bud light
Everyday starts with: good morning texts lol
Favorite song right now: bam by jay z and Damien Marley
Ghosts, are they real?: helllllll yes
Love someone?: absolutely
Jealous Of: those mfs that can eat anything without putting a pound on
Killed someone: not yet ..... night is still young
Last time you cried: a week ago maybe?
One wish: to have a white picket fence life.
Person you last called: my mom ( I woke her up cuz I’m a drunk ass )
Question you are always asked: how did u lose all ur weight? Diet and exercise who woulda thunk
Reason to smile: knowing my daughter is the most smart and beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
Song last sang: crazy ***** lol
Time you woke up: I slept in today So 10
Underwear color: pink
Vacation destination: Dominican again
Worst habit: putting my fingers in my mouth .
X-rays you had: lots lol I think every part of my body
Your favorite food: chicken breast , and baked broccoli/ asparagus
Zodiac sign: Aquarius

I personally know 5 women who have done exactly that. All past 30 and all solid marriages to solid men. I work with several women who also got married past 30 but I don't know them enough to know how good the marriage is. They do have their own life outside of their marriage from what they discuss (ie hobbies activities with other women) and they seem happy.

I also know women past 30 who are single and panicking. I think it really depends on the woman, where she is in her life and what she values, and also how fulfilled she is prior to entering a relationship.

Not all woman past 30 are the same regarding relationships. Are all men the same regarding relationships? No, not according to what we see here.

The Facebook thing you posted is one person answering questions about herself. Sounds immature for her age and certainly not representive of all 34 year old women.

 

[lizardking82]

And this brings us back to the main point that is women will act as society wants them to act. Right now, society wants them to be "free" and they are being "free" and the results are their decision making in choosing a good man for them are on display and they are horrible at that. Before this, their partner was chosen by their father mainly and society was not in a that bad of a state in that aspect in those years.

Only a damaged woman would not value a good partner and family. ALL people, no exclusions, think about family at one stage of their lifes. Then, whether they choose to create one or not and why is another topic completely. But as a species, we all want a family. It is quite normal. And if you don't value a good partner (not a nice guy, that is just an asslicker), then you're dumb and you will get what's coming for you. More and more women everyday do not value a good relationship and partner when they have one and then they let it go and then they keep on seeking for it their whole lives LOL and more and more women get what's coming for them when they don't value what should be valued by every sane person.

Nowadays, women don't let go in a relationship for the fact that most of them cannot handle the idea of a man leading their life in some aspects. They just think they can do it better themselves. Men, on the other hand, have no problem with this. They often allow their wives or girlfriends to do the womanly part of the relationship or marriage. Have you ever seen any man worry to much about how his wife might not have the skills to raise a child? Or to take care of the household. Men have always had more responsabilities then women and thus they have more self confidence that they can choose the right woman to trust with these things. Women, on the other hand, have this mania and feeling of inferiority and most of them just cannot trust a guy about most things. Just goes to show they are scared of making a bad choice LOL

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I avoid my past flings. While it is easy to smash, it is not worth it since, you cannot be looking in the rear view mirror at whats behind you, and be going to where you need to be. Think about that.

@ TS, you did it right. The only thing is that, if a woman is a friend, she introduces you to her hot friends or you are a LJBF cuck who listens to her problems. No exceptions. As always boys, the solution to all life's women problems is NEXT SET!

 

[AJ84]

And this brings us back to the main point that is women will act as society wants them to act. Right now, society wants them to be "free" and they are being "free" and the results are their decision making in choosing a good man for them are on display and they are horrible at that. Before this, their partner was chosen by their father mainly and society was not in a that bad of a state in that aspect in those years.

Only a damaged woman would not value a good partner and family. ALL people, no exclusions, think about family at one stage of their lifes. Then, whether they choose to create one or not and why is another topic completely. But as a species, we all want a family. It is quite normal. And if you don't value a good partner (not a nice guy, that is just an asslicker), then you're dumb and you will get what's coming for you. More and more women everyday do not value a good relationship and partner when they have one and then they let it go and then they keep on seeking for it their whole lives LOL and more and more women get what's coming for them when they don't value what should be valued by every sane person.

Nowadays, women don't let go in a relationship for the fact that most of them cannot handle the idea of a man leading their life in some aspects. They just think they can do it better themselves. Men, on the other hand, have no problem with this. They often allow their wives or girlfriends to do the womanly part of the relationship or marriage. Have you ever seen any man worry to much about how his wife might not have the skills to raise a child? Or to take care of the household. Men have always had more responsabilities then women and thus they have more self confidence that they can choose the right woman to trust with these things. Women, on the other hand, have this mania and feeling of inferiority and most of them just cannot trust a guy about most things. Just goes to show they are scared of making a bad choice LOL

Men are also influenced by society. Men are also encouraged to be free. They are constantly encouraged to be free right here in this forum.

Not all men want to be a husband and father. Back in the day they were pressured into marriage and shamed when they resisted it. It's wasn't smooth sailing, really, for either gender because both were expected to conform to societal expectations. Got a girl knocked up and you were pressured to marry her, even if she was just some drunken fling. Back then divorce was frowned upon so you were stuck with her just because you wanted to have no stings sex.

There were many positive things about those days but there were also negative things.

Now, people are more 'free' as you stated and yes that has resulted in not only women, but men making stupid decisions. And you're right re women making bad decisions may have it come back to bite them in the butt. But the trade off is less pressure to conform and less shame and stigma around those choices. So guys who want to sleep, around and not settle down can do so without getting crap for it from family, community and even their employer. Same for women.

So for those women who you feel are making bad decisions, let them, it doesn't have to affect you and it's certainly not your problem.

 

[lizardking82]

Men are also influenced by society. Men are also encouraged to be free. They are constantly encouraged to be free right here in this forum.

Not all men want to be a husband and father. Back in the day they were pressured into marriage and shamed when they resisted it. It's wasn't smooth sailing, really, for either gender because both were expected to conform to societal expectations. Got a girl knocked up and you were pressured to marry her, even if she was just some drunken fling. Back then divorce was frowned upon so you were stuck with her just because you wanted to have no stings sex.

There were many positive things about those days but there were also negative things.

Now, people are more 'free' as you stated and yes that has resulted in not only women, but men making stupid decisions. And you're right re women making bad decisions may have it come back to bite them in the butt. But the trade off is less pressure to conform and less shame and stigma around those choices. So guys who want to sleep, around and not settle down can do so without getting crap for it from family, community and even their employer. Same for women.

So for those women who you feel are making bad decisions, let them, it doesn't have to affect you and it's certainly not your problem.

Of course, of course. To each their own, that is clear, but guys can sleep around as much as they want and guys who are good with ladies, a good percentage of them end up being good in other things as well and by 30 have got something good going on in their lives which will most probably be more than enough for them to marry a chick about 5 to 10 years younger than them and have healthy kids and a family.

Girls, on the other hand, sleeping around seems to be the thing that has ticked them off completely. Girls are not meant to sleep around. I have observered that once a girl has her 3rd or 4th partner and it doesn't work out and she goes to the 5th, something breaks inside of her badly and they are just damaged good and confused as hell.

 

[AJ84]

Of course, of course. To each their own, that is clear, but guys can sleep around as much as they want and guys who are good with ladies, a good percentage of them end up being good in other things as well and by 30 have got something good going on in their lives which will most probably be more than enough for them to marry a chick about 5 to 10 years younger than them and have healthy kids and a family.

Girls, on the other hand, sleeping around seems to be the thing that has ticked them off completely. Girls are not meant to sleep around. I have observered that once a girl has her 3rd or 4th partner and it doesn't work out and she goes to the 5th, something breaks inside of her badly and they are just damaged good and confused as hell.

Yeah, women who sleep around a lot don't face the same stigma as they did years ago but typically are not marriage material in the eyes of men, while men don't have the same stigma. Like you said, being a woman is no stroll in the park, and those decisions have consequences.

Women who have 'higher morals' and are looking for a solid man will usually make better decisions around what man she chooses, and typically those women don't run in the same circles as men who hang out in bars and online looking for easy sex, so the men they meet run in the same circles as them.
So what seems to be happening is like minded men and women find each other and if they're not expecting the other to be some virtuous 1950s ideal man or woman they have fun with, it and if they are expecting it they complain that's it's some world wide issue when really they are just fishing in the wrong pond.

 

[speed dawg]

Answering this question is so much easier with other women...

She's got orbiters? NO!
She's good friends with her ex? NO!

I'd definitely question this part. I mean, she's calling YOU. Aren't you an ex?

 

[Desdinova]

I personally know 5 women who have done exactly that. All past 30 and all solid marriages to solid men.

So.... Did these women get married for "love", or did they get married because their biological clock was ticking and they needed a sperm donor for a baby?

I find women who are 30 and older quite problematic in many senses. They're getting older, so they need to find a "good man" while they still have their looks. The ones who are childless need to find a man for sperm before their uterus dries up. Others who have been riding the c0ck carousel generally don't respect men.

These and other reasons are why I believe women in their 30s are generally damaged beyond repair. I would NEVER marry a childless woman in her 30s. In most cases, she would demand pregnancy within a couple of years. I'd rather build the relationship for a few years before I got involved in that.

I'd definitely question this part. I mean, she's calling YOU. Aren't you an ex?

That's a very good point.

 

[AJ84]

So.... Did these women get married for "love", or did they get married because their biological clock was ticking and they needed a sperm donor for a baby?

I find women who are 30 and older quite problematic in many senses. They're getting older, so they need to find a "good man" while they still have their looks. The ones who are childless need to find a man for sperm before their uterus dries up. Others who have been riding the c0ck carousel generally don't respect men.

These and other reasons are why I believe women in their 30s are generally damaged beyond repair. I would NEVER marry a childless woman in her 30s. In most cases, she would demand pregnancy within a couple of years. I'd rather build the relationship for a few years before I got involved in that.



That's a very good point.

All I know is that the 5 women I know personally seem happy. One doesn't want children and neither does her husband. The other 4 have children.

Your ex fiancé is in her 30s right? I understand, from your perspective, why you feel that way especially if you had negative experiences with women in their 30s. But from what you post you seem to have found a great girl and have moved on, as has your ex from what you posted. Seems like you have a good thing going now.

I remember the first time I was hurt by a guy. My ego was hurt, mainly, but I spent months bad mouthing him even after I found someone else. I realize now that the bad mouthing was just me feeling like by bad mouthing him I was somehow getting revenge. But I wasn't. I was self soothing. He had moved on and my opinion of him didn't affect him in the least. I was just ticked off that he didn't shrivel up and die alone like I wanted because he hurt me lol. Of course people who hurt us move on. So forgetting about them is the best revenge.

 

[Desdinova]

But from what you post you seem to have found a great girl and have moved on, as has your ex from what you posted.

Well, lets see if she's moved on.... We broke up in 2001.
- In 2002, she wanted to get together and "talk". I invited her to the bar where I proceeded to pursue every woman there, and wrote down one's phone number right in front of her. She was sad that we didn't have time to "talk".

- In 2010 after I ended my marriage, she contacted me and wanted to get together. I hung out with her once.
- In 2013, she contacted me and wanted to hang out. I hung out with her a couple of times
- In 2014, she contacted me and wanted to hang out again. I hung out with her a few times.
- In 2015, she contacted me yet again and wanted to hang out. I again hung out with her a few times. It ended when I forgot I invited her to a party where the GF I had at the time attended. She drank an entire bottle of tequila, badmouthed me to my friends, acted completely stupid and obnoxious, and ended up making out with one of my best friends on my front lawn.
- She contacts me every year and wishes me a happy birthday.

Yeah, I'd have to agree that she's completely moved on.

 

[AJ84]

Well, lets see if she's moved on.... We broke up in 2001.
- In 2002, she wanted to get together and "talk". I invited her to the bar where I proceeded to pursue every woman there, and wrote down one's phone number right in front of her. She was sad that we didn't have time to "talk".

- In 2010 after I ended my marriage, she contacted me and wanted to get together. I hung out with her once.
- In 2013, she contacted me and wanted to hang out. I hung out with her a couple of times
- In 2014, she contacted me and wanted to hang out again. I hung out with her a few times.
- In 2015, she contacted me yet again and wanted to hang out. I again hung out with her a few times. It ended when I forgot I invited her to a party where the GF I had at the time attended. She drank an entire bottle of tequila, badmouthed me to my friends, acted completely stupid and obnoxious, and ended up making out with one of my best friends on my front lawn.
- She contacts me every year and wishes me a happy birthday.

Yeah, I'd have to agree that she's completely moved on.

You treated your ex like a queen and she dumped you right? Now you have a younger gf who I bet treats you better, in fact you are probably being treated like you treated your ex. It's a good feeling I bet.

You're right perhaps your ex hasn't moved on, if she is still sending you bday messages.

You don't want to get back with her, but you haven't completely cut off contact it seems, and she is on your mind, hence this thread.

Am I wrong to sense that a part of you wants to rub it in her face, and then you can move on? I'm not saying this to be snarky because this is human nature. It just seems like you yourself haven't 100% moved on.

 

[Desdinova]

Am I wrong to sense that a part of you wants to rub it in her face, and then you can move on?

Naah, I just enjoy rubbing it in her face. I have no problem with never fvcking her again. I think the biggest problem I had with her was the cruelty when she ended the relationship. I wasn't exactly Mr. Call-and-Cry. I bought her one rose, and that was about it. She did a lot of pretty damn mean things during the breakup that I honestly don't think I deserved. If she wasn't so damn cruel, I probably wouldn't be rubbing her face in her own 5hit. Add to that the fact that she keeps trying to get back with me. Payback is a bytch.

 

[Milano]

Naah, I just enjoy rubbing it in her face. I have no problem with never fvcking her again. I think the biggest problem I had with her was the cruelty when she ended the relationship. I wasn't exactly Mr. Call-and-Cry. I bought her one rose, and that was about it. She did a lot of pretty damn mean things during the breakup that I honestly don't think I deserved. If she wasn't so damn cruel, I probably wouldn't be rubbing her face in her own 5hit. Add to that the fact that she keeps trying to get back with me. Payback is a bytch.

Its fascinating the cruelty of how they destroy us. Often the process is so lacking in mercy that we end up showing women our weakest moments and it haunts us sometimes just as much as the breakup it self.

I remember the crying on the phone, extremely needy texting and begging. These are moments that for us men lie as a reminder of how and when lost ourselves in the most critical moments. It feels like losing a war. Women can and will have chad thundercock waiting in the background.

Its too easy for them but at the same time they cant be forced to change and improve as much as we do as the system is made for them to succeed quicker.

We come out the other side after years of battle scars, be it oneitis, prolonged virginity, long periods of time without sex. After all this we get to have something women cant get today if they follow social media, pride.

This newfound pride does not want to be exchanged with some old sloot. We might look at our scars in the mirror once in a while, cant help it you know. 'What if?' I could go back and strengthen my ego more, win that battle somehow. But you already did, cause that memory of her crushing your soul is what made you into what you are today.

It is beautiful just as it is ugly.