Maintaining Expectations while dating

[SanDog11]

I was just curious what everyone's mind set is like while dating, whether it be going into the first date, or managing the expectations of what will come next after a good few dates and sex.

I guess I ask because at 37, a failed marriage, two other live-in relationships that lasted 3.5 years, after dating again I am getting very discouraged of the quality of the women.

I don't want to date with a negative attitude, and it's in my nature to want something more to develop, but I need to find a balance so that I don't get disapointed.

I

 

[wifehunter]

dating is women's domain...treat it like vegas, where the house always wins eventually.

That means, you will lose.

Keep that in your head, and you'll do fine.

 

[Glassguy]

The only expectation you should have is bettering yourself first and foremost, having fun and doing things that benefit you and staying away from things/people who don't benefit you.

If you are approaching (and even if you're not) the women will come. Make sure that you are mentally ready to date and have fun with it.

 

[Macaframalama]

I was just curious what everyone's mind set is like while dating, whether it be going into the first date, or managing the expectations of what will come next after a good few dates and sex.

I guess I ask because at 37, a failed marriage, two other live-in relationships that lasted 3.5 years, after dating again I am getting very discouraged of the quality of the women.

I don't want to date with a negative attitude, and it's in my nature to want something more to develop, but I need to find a balance so that I don't get disapointed.

I

Don't build them up into something they're not or what you want them to be. Appreciate the time and the qualities, that you do like about her and don't compare her to past relationships. Part of me feels, that certain people are only in your life for a finite amount of time, but I was also married for nearly 10 years at one point in my life, so I also feel, that the success or lack thereof is dependent on how much time and effort you both are willing to put in. Other than that, just have fun with it, don't neglect your obligations, goals and trying to be a better you everyday.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I think your expectation should be to have your physical, mental and intimate needs met by a woman within 1-3 months. There really shouldn't be anything missing from what you expect. If it is missing pick someone else who does what you need to.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

"After dating again I am getting very discouraged of the quality of the women."

Welcome to the club man, you're not the only 1!

"Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments". A few good dates and sex doesn't mean jack shït with woman and today's society. I've dumped most broads right around the 60-90 day range,(when their true colors usually show up) don't ask me how I stay positive and optimistic, I just do. Glass half full guy here.

Your odds are better with younger woman, less baggage etc. But even then they will rarely if ever fully meet your expectations, the only ones that ever came close for me where just fück buddies.

 

[BeExcellent]

Don't build them up into something they're not or what you want them to be. Appreciate the time and the qualities, that you do like about her and don't compare her to past relationships.

This is key. You have to leave all your baggage behind and refuse to bring it with you into a new interaction.

Have standards, not expectations. When you have standards you observe to what degree someone meets your standards. You do this through observation and interaction in real time. You choose whether or not to continue seeing someone based on how their actual behavior measures against your standards.

Expectations are set up out in the future. They represent some sort of script that you expect her to meet. Therefore you set yourself up for disappointment when she fails to meet this imaginary script. Can you appreciate the difference between standards and expectations?

You must also have an openness about you when you are dating. You have to risk getting hurt, and risk vulnerability at some point, no matter how you may have been hurt in the past. This is fundamental to creating intimacy. What happens is people become so walled off and fearful of getting hurt that they shut down emotionally and refuse to interact in an open way with someone new. So it becomes a self defeating cycle. If you are closed and defensive you'll tend to end up with people who are similarly closed and defensive. So you'll actually select for damaged women subconsciously without realizing that is what you are doing. You sabotage your relationships but can conveniently blame the horrible women out there.

If you focus rather on your own self awareness and improvement you'll find you start to attract a better cadre of women. That is not a coincidence.

 

[ohrein]

Have standards, not expectations.

Perfect. It works until it doesn't. This is having a strong frame. What do I expect of the people I invite into my life? What behavior will I tolerate, what will I forgive but require corrected and what are my deal breakers? This isn't a game to attract women, this is about creating a life worth living with people worth sharing it with. It's not important if I am still dating the same woman, or any woman, in a years time. It's only important that we are mutually exchanging value to each others lives in the present.

So you'll actually select for damaged women subconsciously without realizing that is what you are doing. You sabotage your relationships but can conveniently blame the horrible women out there. If you focus rather on your own self awareness and improvement you'll find you start to attract a better cadre of women.

This was my life for FIVE TO SIX YEARS. The "alpha" mentality that is just warped hyper masculinity only suits guys who just want sex. It was barely fun for a year for me but it took me a lot longer to realize what was happening and how to get out of it. I don't believe there are many guys in general who honestly want an endless rotation of women and a nice house and car. That will get old for almost everyone at some point. Once I sorted out my own life, my mental health, career aspirations and what I wanted from women, suddenly I could just have fun and would go out on dates with quality women consistently.

The five to six years before that, every single woman I ended up in bed with had moderate to severe mental health issues that made them terrible choices for even friends with benefits in some cases.

And to the MGTOW's out there, I get it. It's always a risk long term, always protect yourself and your assets, don't have kids, etc etc. All very true. But I'll take a year long relationship with a woman who can make you laugh, wants to please you with meals and sex and friendship that eventually ends over ****ing some hot chick every time. A year well spent, no expectations, only standards.

 

[skinnyguy]

I was just curious what everyone's mind set is like while dating, whether it be going into the first date, or managing the expectations of what will come next after a good few dates and sex.

I guess I ask because at 37, a failed marriage, two other live-in relationships that lasted 3.5 years, after dating again I am getting very discouraged of the quality of the women.

I don't want to date with a negative attitude, and it's in my nature to want something more to develop, but I need to find a balance so that I don't get disapointed.

I

3.5 years? You’re doing a lot better than me bro. Most of my relationships with women last two weeks .......

 

[The Duke]

So what happens when you do all that is mentioned above and still aren't finding the quality you want? Whats the problem then?

Maybe my "standards" are too high? lol

A few weeks ago some of you advised me to not be offended by some girl that wasn't ready to go after I waited 2hrs. It really made me question some of your "standards" and how desperate some of you are.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

So what happens when you do all that is mentioned above and still aren't finding the quality you want? Whats the problem then?

Maybe my "standards" are too high? lol

A few weeks ago some of you advised me to not be offended by some girl that wasn't ready to go after I waited 2hrs. It really made me question some of your "standards" and how desperate some of you are.

So what happens when you do all that is mentioned above and still aren't finding the quality you want? Whats the problem then?

Maybe my "standards" are too high? lol

A few weeks ago some of you advised me to not be offended by some girl that wasn't ready to go after I waited 2hrs. It really made me question some of your "standards" and how desperate some of you are.

I think you give her thirty minutes and leave. If you keep letting her stretch your time you'll lose respect. When you lose respect you lose attraction. We have to tell them no.