The Hardest Question I've Had to Ask Myself

[Desdinova]

The woman who brought me to this forum decided to re-enter my life 9 years later, and would continue to pursue me for the next 5 years or so. Because she was showing so much interest, it caused me to stop and ask myself...

Is this what I really want? Is this why I put so much work into myself?

You know what? I still can't answer this question. I still have mixed feelings about bringing her back into my life. I eventually decided that I didn't want to go back out with her for a few reasons, none of which were "because she's an ex from my AFC days".

Answering this question is so much easier with other women...

She's got orbiters? NO!
She's good friends with her ex? NO!
She has three kids? NO!
She's 45 years old? NO!

But with this chick? I couldn't say no. I also couldn't say yes. The ultimate reason I didn't go back to her was because of the history. For the most part, our history made us get along spectacularly well. However, my history of spoiling the living 5hit out of her came back to haunt me. She constantly asked me to do her favours. Back then, the word "no" wasn't in my vocabulary. It is now, and I said "no" to her many times.

A new woman is a blank slate, and you can fill it with whatever you want. An old flame is NOT a blank slate, and there's 5hit written on there that you don't want her to remember.

 

[lizardking82]

Hold on strong, my friend. You made the right decision there. Leave the past in the past, I am sure your future as a man looks bright and you are probably enjoying your present, too. Some thoughts and old feelings and people will always come back in our lives, but I think what makes us real men is the fact we can handle our past and not let it get into the way of the present and the future.

 

[DreamAgain]

The woman who brought me to this forum decided to re-enter my life 9 years later, and would continue to pursue me for the next 5 years or so. Because she was showing so much interest, it caused me to stop and ask myself...

Is this what I really want? Is this why I put so much work into myself?

You know what? I still can't answer this question. I still have mixed feelings about bringing her back into my life. I eventually decided that I didn't want to go back out with her for a few reasons, none of which were "because she's an ex from my AFC days".

Answering this question is so much easier with other women...

She's got orbiters? NO!
She's good friends with her ex? NO!
She has three kids? NO!
She's 45 years old? NO!

But with this chick? I couldn't say no. I also couldn't say yes. The ultimate reason I didn't go back to her was because of the history. For the most part, our history made us get along spectacularly well. However, my history of spoiling the living 5hit out of her came back to haunt me. She constantly asked me to do her favours. Back then, the word "no" wasn't in my vocabulary. It is now, and I said "no" to her many times.

A new woman is a blank slate, and you can fill it with whatever you want. An old flame is NOT a blank slate, and there's 5hit written on there that you don't want her to remember.

Very tough situation. These women come out like demons trying to suck you back in, and if you are a naturally noble and good man, you'll be tempted to think of only the "good" times and maybe even think she has changed for the better.

Stay strong, you have support here.

 

[Alvafe]

in your situation I think you need to think like this, if your old self was not good enough for her, now you are better she is not good enough for you, also if i'm getting your questions right, she is over 45? and i'm hoping the 3 kids are yours, but even so, you sure can do better, she had her chance and she blow it, use her like woman use us, ego boost, and tread for a better place

 

[teebear]

A very timely thread indeed. Just what I needed.

I split from my near-Unicorn a few months ago and have been second guessing my decision ever since. She was smart, beautiful, wealthy and she treated me like gold. The problem: she liked her alcohol a little too much.

We've spent a couple of nights together since the split but I think she's given up on getting me back once and for all. I've been struggling with my decision for months. I don't believe that people change all that much so I had to ask myself if I could deal with the drinking forever.The answer is no, obviously.

Glad to see I'm not alone here.

 

[highSpeed]

The woman who brought me to this forum decided to re-enter my life 9 years later, and would continue to pursue me for the next 5 years or so. Because she was showing so much interest, it caused me to stop and ask myself...

Is this what I really want? Is this why I put so much work into myself?

You know what? I still can't answer this question. I still have mixed feelings about bringing her back into my life. I eventually decided that I didn't want to go back out with her for a few reasons, none of which were "because she's an ex from my AFC days".

Answering this question is so much easier with other women...

She's got orbiters? NO!
She's good friends with her ex? NO!
She has three kids? NO!
She's 45 years old? NO!

But with this chick? I couldn't say no. I also couldn't say yes. The ultimate reason I didn't go back to her was because of the history. For the most part, our history made us get along spectacularly well. However, my history of spoiling the living 5hit out of her came back to haunt me. She constantly asked me to do her favours. Back then, the word "no" wasn't in my vocabulary. It is now, and I said "no" to her many times.

A new woman is a blank slate, and you can fill it with whatever you want. An old flame is NOT a blank slate, and there's 5hit written on there that you don't want her to remember.

Definitely a good thing to stay clear but it's easy to say that when you're not the one faced with it. Maybe you've not had sex in awhile and you're thirsty. Maybe you miss the closeness that you can experience with a woman that you can't experience with a man. You miss your history. You miss the connection you may have established with that person. You genuinely desire a close connection that you might have with a woman that is simply not the same in any other type of relationship. I could see how easy it would be to convince yourself that this time would be different. This is your emotional and d*ck side trying to hijack your thinking. Your rational thinking, your brain/logic side knows this would not work. If you saw anyone else thinking or talking about this, you know you could easily separate the emotional/d*ck side part of the thinking and look at it logically and tell them this is stupid to do.

When it's you though, somehow your logical side gets short circuited and your emotional/d*ck side takes over and tries to do the thinking for you. You have to do whatever is necessary to stop that from taking over. I know, "I can just bang her, I won't get attached." Maybe some people can do that but almost all can't. Are you almost all or can't?

 

[Chev.Chelios]

it's all in your perspective man.

out of the 30 something girls I've been with short and long term my unicorn keeps poking her head up

"want to get back together again?"

chills my blood every time cause I know the he'll I'll be in for lololol.

probably the same feelings heroine junkies get when they run into their old drug dealers after being sober for years.

 

[fastlife]

Some girls just hit you on a deeper level. Sometimes that feeling dissipates over time, sometimes you still have that little bit of psychological vulnerability/susceptibility to her.

BUT you have to keep perspective. For one reason or another (chances are it's due to your own mental/emotional state when you met her), she became an object of fantasy. Usually it has very little to do with her at all--and the reality will always be anticlimatic/disappointing compared to the fantasy you created with her, which is only sustainable because you were unable to consolidate on it.

I've had several girls occupy this role for me over the years, and one that was reoccurring/current until very recently, but you know what happen? I run into her & through a clear mind she doesn't live up to that fantasy. It's like the difference between moonlight & sunlight. The dissipation of fantasy is always a little disappointing--but if you are confident in yourself control, it's good to subject yourself to it in the long-run. Meet her for coffee--in person, she won't be what you had in your head. Do this enough & she becomes just an ordinary person you can move on from.

 

[Glassguy]

You made the right decision. Eventually she hasn't changed and you have, so something would javr to give later when the bliss wears off. Old relationship problems never truly go away.

It's much easier to start over with not only a blank slate for the women, but also a blank slate for yourself. The slate of yourself seems strong right now, no need to self sabotage yourself. She had her chance when life was good and you were spoiling her and she shyte on you for it. The end.

 

[Desdinova]

Just to clarify, this isn't something recent. I've been with my current GF for almost 2 years now. I dated someone else before that. This particular ex was showing up in my life before that. She pops into my head every once in a while, and when she does, I still think about my decision to avoid pursuing anything with her again.

if your old self was not good enough for her, now you are better she is not good enough for you,

You've got that right! I started dating her when she was 15. She's 36 now. Why would I want that when I can still date women in their 20s?

It's just difficult putting everything in perspective because she appeared in my life when I was an AFC, I was the second person she slept with, and her breaking up with me is what drove me here, leading me to improve myself. So I have no clue if it could work now or not, because I haven't dated her as my new self. Deep down inside I know I don't want her, but I used to have so much desire to spend my life with this woman.

 

[sazc]

Just to clarify, this isn't something recent. I've been with my current GF for almost 2 years now. I dated someone else before that. This particular ex was showing up in my life before that. She pops into my head every once in a while, and when she does, I still think about my decision to avoid pursuing anything with her again.



You've got that right! I started dating her when she was 15. She's 36 now. Why would I want that when I can still date women in their 20s?

It's just difficult putting everything in perspective because she appeared in my life when I was an AFC, I was the second person she slept with, and her breaking up with me is what drove me here, leading me to improve myself. So I have no clue if it could work now or not, because I haven't dated her as my new self. Deep down inside I know I don't want her, but I used to have so much desire to spend my life with this woman.

So you are her alpha widow?

 

[Desdinova]

So you are her alpha widow?

Men don't get alpha-widowed.

She's been on my brain recently mainly due to seeing her at a thrift store last week. I didn't bother approaching her because her mood is always questionable, especially when I'm with another female. She's apparently pregnant (again) as well, and I don't think she's been with her BF for more than a year.

 

[lizardking82]

So you are her alpha widow?

LOL common @sazc , there are no alpha women. This is a hit below the belt. Be noble...if possible.

 

[sazc]

Men don't get alpha-widowed.

She's been on my brain recently mainly due to seeing her at a thrift store last week. I didn't bother approaching her because her mood is always questionable, especially when I'm with another female. She's apparently pregnant (again) as well, and I don't think she's been with her BF for more than a year.

I was going to ask if there was a term for men who were alpha widowed but, in typing this, I realized the term was probably 'beta'?

LOL common @sazc , there are no alpha women. This is a hit below the belt. Be noble...if possible.

spades man, spades.

there's a ton of double standards running around on this board that no one wants to acknowledge, ever. I'm not against the labels, as I realize they are a way of assimilating behavior and, ultimately, feeling better. but, in general, the denial of self applicability and the avocation of said labels can make it appear that there is tremendous cognitive dissonance going on.

IMO intelligent people evaluate in a 360 manner. people whom are self centered evaluate in a 180 manner. To that end, if someone is feeling like they have been punched in the gut, or hit below the belt, perhaps there is more analysis to be done, using a wider perspective.

 

[lizardking82]

I was going to ask if there was a term for men who were alpha widowed but, in typing this, I realized the term was probably 'beta'?



spades man, spades.

there's a ton of double standards running around on this board that no one wants to acknowledge, ever. I'm not against the labels, as I realize they are a way of assimilating behavior and, ultimately, feeling better. but, in general, the denial of self applicability and the avocation of said labels can make it appear that there is tremendous cognitive dissonance going on.

IMO intelligent people evaluate in a 360 manner. people whom are self centered evaluate in a 180 manner. To that end, if someone is feeling like they have been punched in the gut, or hit below the belt, perhaps there is more analysis to be done, using a wider perspective.

I have read Desdinova's alpha widow theory and I think it is quite a solid and good one. It is much, much easier for men to find a woman who knows how to have good sex or even find one who doesn't and "train" her than it is for a woman to find as good a man as she might have had one in her life before that she probably let go.

I saw my ex a couple of days ago. I was not expecting and will never expect to feel completely feelingless towards her. She is part of me and will always be whether I like that or not, just the feelings have changed drastically. Did she alpha widow me? Absolutely not since I have had even better sex after the thing with her ended. I am now even meeting better, more mature people. Will I, in the future, be curious about what she's up to? Probably. Doesn';t mean I am not finding pleasure in what I am doing now and who I am seeing now. It is just part of human behaviour.

However, women are so much more emotional and if a certain guy played with her emotions the right way and she left anyways, they are going to find it hard to find another guy like that.

 

[sazc]

I have read Desdinova's alpha widow theory and I think it is quite a solid and good one. It is much, much easier for men to find a woman who knows how to have good sex or even find one who doesn't and "train" her than it is for a woman to find as good a man as she might have had one in her life before that she probably let go.

I saw my ex a couple of days ago. I was not expecting and will never expect to feel completely feelingless towards her. She is part of me and will always be whether I like that or not, just the feelings have changed drastically. Did she alpha widow me? Absolutely not since I have had even better sex after the thing with her ended. I am now even meeting better, more mature people. Will I, in the future, be curious about what she's up to? Probably. Doesn';t mean I am not finding pleasure in what I am doing now and who I am seeing now. It is just part of human behaviour.

However, women are so much more emotional and if a certain guy played with her emotions the right way and she left anyways, they are going to find it hard to find another guy like that.

I dont disagree that there are men and women whom will always carry emotions for one lover that feels significant t them. Label it whatever you want - 'alpha widow' is a succinct turn of phrase that accurately describes the situation for y'all, in terms of a female.

I was merely asking a question in regards to him being alpha widow, because that's how is post read to me - pining over potential lost chances and the "what if's" of a relationship that ended a very long time ago.

BTW it's not "Desdinovas" high score theory. It's actually all over the internet and contained in "The Rational Male". Unless Desdinova is being plagiarized all over the internet?

 

[lizardking82]

I dont disagree that there are men and women whom will always carry emotions for one lover that feels significant t them. Label it whatever you want - 'alpha widow' is a succinct turn of phrase that accurately describes the situation for y'all, in terms of a female.

I was merely asking a question in regards to him being alpha widow, because that's how is post read to me - pining over potential lost chances and the "what if's" of a relationship that ended a very long time ago.

BTW it's not "Desdinovas" high score theory. It's actually all over the internet and contained in "The Rational Male". Unless Desdinova is being plagiarized all over the internet?

No, no, it's different. Doesn't matter if it's his or it's being plagiarized, focus on the main point we're discussing here. After a long time, coming back to a point where for a couple of hours or days you might feel what if this had happened or that is one thing. On the other hand, women find it literally hard to enjoy anything for years once they've been alpha-widowed. They keep seeking for that relentlessly.

 

[sazc]

No, no, it's different. Doesn't matter if it's his or it's being plagiarized, focus on the main point we're discussing here. After a long time, coming back to a point where for a couple of hours or days you might feel what if this had happened or that is one thing. On the other hand, women find it literally hard to enjoy anything for years once they've been alpha-widowed. They keep seeking for that relentlessly.

Idk..... One could counter argue and suggest that he if he was truly happy in this relationship he wouldn't be musing about something that happened a long time ago. Essentially the same thing you just explained.
Footnote, I'm not interested in picking apart his intentions for the original post. Simply responding to what you just posted.

 

[sazc]

I will also add that I am not interested in derailing the original intent of this thread to have a discussion like this.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

this is the exact same scenario myself and how many billions of other other guys have gone though in history and I'm getting flat out sick of it.

man meets gurl
gurl meets guy
becomes each others one "true" love
everythings falls apart like a mf'r
man lives rest of life hurt..
girl gets preg by faggits.

HOW MANY GODDAM TIMES HAS THIS SAME FCCKING THING HAPPENED IN HISTORY?!

starting to really think to just fvck the human heart off altogether, it's a sack of chit that simply doesn't work lol.

it makes you live in pain for years over a btch.
pathetic..

when God made human hearts he was like "duddeee these poor bastards are gonna be pissed!!!" hahahha