Issue w Family vs Respect

[logicallefty]

I have posted about an issue with my sister before and will try to sum it up.

Back in 2012 I went through a massive crisis of the highest magnitude which involved an arrest, a protection order, job loss, temporary homelesness, etc. Basically everything in a bad county music song, I really had, and ALL at once.. I needed a place to stay for about 6 weeks. I couldn't go home due to my ex having a protection order on me.

My sister let me stay with her at first in her basement which is fully functional even has a full kitchen. After about 2 weeks I return one afternoon and she had my stuff packed sitting at the door. She said I had to leave because she "could not stand to see me in the state I was in".

Since then my sister has done a few other things to disrespect me. The final being a nasty text she sent me about 1.5 years ago and got all snotty when I was trying to talk with her about a health/well being situation with our mother. After that text convo I blocked her. Haven't talked with her sense then and had no plans on unblocking her until my mother's funeral whenever that may be, then deal with what we have to deal with, and block her again and never talk to her the rest of my life. That's my plans with her.

So my issue now is my sister got me a Christmas present. She gave it to my mom to give me. My mom is pressuring me now "you need to text or call XXXsisterXXX and thank her".. My mom says my sister is really tore up that I don't talk to her anymore. And I really don't want to. I have no desire to talk to her. Yeah I appreciate the gift but it doesn't fix anything, and no amount of gifts or anything will make up for everything she did to me.. I am done with her. So much so that when people ask me now, I tell them I have one sister, my other one.. At the same time I do love and repsect my mom, so I am not sure if I should do it just to get mom off my azz...

What do you guys think?

 

[Bible_Belt]

Honoring your mother by loving your enemy sister is the right thing to do.

 

[lizardking82]

If your mother has been good to you, you should swallow your pride and talk to your sister. After all, a fake thank you for a fake gift will please your mom. A fake thank you to your fake sister will make your mom a bit happier = prolong her life a bit more. It's worth it, I think.

 

[The Duke]

There is only so much disrespect one can take and I certainly don't advocate living your life for others. I'd cut her out of my life like you have and continue to do so. Stick to your guns, its the only way people know you are serious and respect you.

The world needs a few more hard asses handing out lessons to live by and people would act better. Its the candy asses with the bleeding hearts that enable this schitt. About like a bunch of beta faggots.

 

[sosousage]

You dont need toxic people in your life do you? Do you need someone who doesnt respect you?

 

[Sneaky Pete]

Providing the appearance of getting along w your sister on the surface of things doesn’t sound like too high of a price to make your mom happy.

 

[lizardking82]

Like, do you people understand he's not simply asking what to do with his sister, he's asking what to do with his sister BECAUSE his mother's emotional well being is involved in this one.

Maybe he loves his mother a lot. Probably, his mother would get sad if she finds out her two children don't talk to each other. It doesn't make you an alpha to be on the "my way or the highway" mode all the time. Not everything is black and white. There is gray in between. Diplomacy, not the ego to be an alpha male, makes one a wise man.

 

[The Duke]

So everybody should be fake and hold hands to appease each other? Live life on your own terms. That's the only way to be truly happy. Do it for yourself, not for anybody else. His mother will respect him and you can bet she knows what kind of girl his sister is. Mother will be just fine. If it bothers her that much then that's on her.

@Urbanyst explained it quite well in another post. He said something about how people pleasers are always unhappy and the first ones to complain that nobody does what they want.

This is no different than giving into some whining woman that wants you to do something that benefits her. Look at how quick some of you are to act like a white knight and run to her rescue to appease them so they aren't upset. You are letting yourself be influenced by their emotions.

Have you ever wondered why the LION and the Bald Eagle are the most respected animals on the planet? You even see these two honored/respected in the human world. Why not the dolphin that runs around smiling and appeasing everybody and begging for attention?

 

[lizardking82]

There is no white knighting with the mother. Sadness and sorrow send people earlier to grave. None is telling him to become a people pleaser. Say thanks to the sister for the gift and never speak to her again if that is what you intend. If the mother insists, sit her down and explain this will not go further.

Why on Earth are we talking about respect here? A real man would never feel his respect threatened by doing one simple thing that could make his mom happy for an instance. He has two options here: be the self proclaimed alpha male and say **** everyone OR try diplomacy first and then if it doesn't work, go for the stubborn attitude.

This kind of attitude leads only to isolation in the name of alphaness. Isolation is a dangerous.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

1) Find a homeless guy who's not drunk.

2) Hand him your phone.

3) Tell him to send a text saying, "Hey, thanks for the gift, I appreciate it."

4) While he's sending the text, watch porn or something.

5) When he'd done, give him five bucks.

6) Repeat again next time a conversation with her is mandatory

 

[ubercat]

Generally I agree with Howie but I think the woman who raised you is a special case. Also it's rare but people can change. You never know fake tolerance might become real over time.

 

[AJ84]

I have posted about an issue with my sister before and will try to sum it up.

Back in 2012 I went through a massive crisis of the highest magnitude which involved an arrest, a protection order, job loss, temporary homelesness, etc. Basically everything in a bad county music song, I really had, and ALL at once.. I needed a place to stay for about 6 weeks. I couldn't go home due to my ex having a protection order on me.

My sister let me stay with her at first in her basement which is fully functional even has a full kitchen. After about 2 weeks I return one afternoon and she had my stuff packed sitting at the door. She said I had to leave because she "could not stand to see me in the state I was in".

Since then my sister has done a few other things to disrespect me. The final being a nasty text she sent me about 1.5 years ago and got all snotty when I was trying to talk with her about a health/well being situation with our mother. After that text convo I blocked her. Haven't talked with her sense then and had no plans on unblocking her until my mother's funeral whenever that may be, then deal with what we have to deal with, and block her again and never talk to her the rest of my life. That's my plans with her.

So my issue now is my sister got me a Christmas present. She gave it to my mom to give me. My mom is pressuring me now "you need to text or call XXXsisterXXX and thank her".. My mom says my sister is really tore up that I don't talk to her anymore. And I really don't want to. I have no desire to talk to her. Yeah I appreciate the gift but it doesn't fix anything, and no amount of gifts or anything will make up for everything she did to me.. I am done with her. So much so that when people ask me now, I tell them I have one sister, my other one.. At the same time I do love and repsect my mom, so I am not sure if I should do it just to get mom off my azz...

What do you guys think?

I think you should find it in yourself to make your mother happy and also to repair the stuff with your sister. She's reaching out to you via your mother because you have blocked contact with her. This is an opportunity to let go of the past.

This isn't some plate who did you wrong, it's your sister. Anyone who is suggesting that you just drop a family member who appears to be trying to patch things up with you is speaking from a place where they think some red pill alpha theory applies. It doesn't in this case.

What if something happened to your sister tomorrow? It's too late then isn't it? Life is too short to hold onto hurt when there is an opportunity to let it go.

 

[Red Legg]

Situations like this can always be difficult but taking the "high road" for your moms sake is the right thing to do.I have a similar situation this holiday season.My dad and mom are very religious and do not agree with my player lifestyle they have disrespected me to other family members about it.My dad has even used me in a sermon of an example of how not to live....I decided that I would not be disrespected anymore and basically told my dad what I do on his grave "won't pass for flowers" not exactly the high road...lol

 

[BeExcellent]

Lefty only you really know the dynamics at play. Without the level of nuance that only you have it's impossible to accurately view the whole thing. Now having made that disclaimer I will proceed.

If your sister is using this business of passing you a gift through your mom (who obviously has polite manners and some decorum) to drag your mom into the fray and make you out to your mom as the mean ol' bitter Lefty, then your sister is covertly manipulating your mother, gas lighting the situation & painting you as the bad guy. The gift is merely a means of showing your mom just what a meanie you are. The gift is a tool. The behavior (painting you black to your mother) isn't going to stop, even if you thank sis (placate) to please mom.

Your sister will expect to drive on with a total pass on her bad behavior.

In that case here's my advice: Take your mom to lunch or spend an afternoon with her doing honey-do projects, playing cards, chatting, whatever you mom likes to do...but spend some quality time. In this situation you must correctly identify the REAL problem (sister painting you black to your mother) and employ the correct solution (demonstrating through action what a great son/great guy you are) so that when your sister paints you black it is incongruent with what your mother experiences of you being a great son. By doing this your mom might see your sister's manipulation.

I would not express thanks for the present. Rather I'd express to your mother just how unfortunate it is that your sister has elected to give you a Trojan horse type gesture (a disingenuous gift) and drag your mother into the matter without acknowledgement or accountability for the legit beefs that you have with your sister. Here too you identify the actual problem. You are happy to reconcile with sister once she sincerely apologizes for her bad behavior. It doesn't take a gift for that. A nice letter will do nicely. Thoughtfully mention that while chatting to mom. And invite her to stay out of the middle. It's not her job to fix it.

Toxic is toxic and you can't negotiate with toxic. I don't care who it is. Your sister has set this up to upset your mom and is stirring the pot. If your sister is so "torn up" she can apologize directly to you for her bad behavior.

But that isn't what she is doing.

 

[logicallefty]

I appreciate everybody's replies. Honestly, I still haven't decided what to do. I had her unblocked and ready to send the text, then I said "Wait why am I compromising myself? Why can't sister compromise herself and apologize to me for everything she did?" That would be a start. I really don't know what to do, but at this point, I am leaning towards not sending it. My sister has always called the shots in the family from day 1. She would manipulate everyone; aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. Cuz she was the young skinny pretty one.. Nobody has ever stood up to her until me, the person on the family that historically one would have least suspected to ever stand up to her. It's been easy to stand up to her so far. I'm just not wanting to break my frame at his point. But again, I am still thinking about it. As for the question someone asked of "If my sister was to die today, how would I feel?" I hate to say this, but I really wouldn't fvcking care. I am that done. She didn't invite me to her wedding a year go. I asked mom "why didn't she invite me?" and she said "Oh she just had a limit on the number of people she could have".. I may not have went.. Probably wouldnt have. But evidently a brother isn't a priority to her so why the F should a sister be a priority to me? its the same mother fvcking blood booth ways, and right now to me, it don't mean jack sh|t....

 

[Urbanyst]

Have you ever wondered why the LION and the Bald Eagle are the most respected animals on the planet? You even see these two honored/respected in the human world. Why not the dolphin that runs around smiling and appeasing everybody and begging for attention?

And dogs too.

Dogs are man's best friend and very lovable. But no one admires the dog.

The dog is always begging for your approval and attention. The dog will give its life for you. Its sweet, but it doesn't make you want to be a dog yourself lol. On the other hand, the lion is powerful and badass. You admire and respect the lion. You can't really manipulate the lion like a dog. You can't buy the lion off with food like a dog. You won't f*ck with the lion.

 

[Reykhel]

"Fvck me once, shame on you....fvck me twice........."

Agree with @BeExcellent that it seems like she's manipulating your mother. Now your emotions are involved and your rational decision is being questioned...

Kicking you out like that does seem heartless and cruel.

Can't help but think if you let someone like that back in, it's only a matter of time before more disrespect rears it's ugly head...

The fable of the scorpion and frog comes to mind...
"I can't help it, it's my nature "

Your happiness and well being is above anyone elses...even mum's

 

[Von]

Lefty only you really know the dynamics at play. Without the level of nuance that only you have it's impossible to accurately view the whole thing. Now having made that disclaimer I will proceed.

If your sister is using this business of passing you a gift through your mom (who obviously has polite manners and some decorum) to drag your mom into the fray and make you out to your mom as the mean ol' bitter Lefty, then your sister is covertly manipulating your mother, gas lighting the situation & painting you as the bad guy. The gift is merely a means of showing your mom just what a meanie you are. The gift is a tool. The behavior (painting you black to your mother) isn't going to stop, even if you thank sis (placate) to please mom.

Your sister will expect to drive on with a total pass on her bad behavior.

In that case here's my advice: Take your mom to lunch or spend an afternoon with her doing honey-do projects, playing cards, chatting, whatever you mom likes to do...but spend some quality time. In this situation you must correctly identify the REAL problem (sister painting you black to your mother) and employ the correct solution (demonstrating through action what a great son/great guy you are) so that when your sister paints you black it is incongruent with what your mother experiences of you being a great son. By doing this your mom might see your sister's manipulation.

I would not express thanks for the present. Rather I'd express to your mother just how unfortunate it is that your sister has elected to give you a Trojan horse type gesture (a disingenuous gift) and drag your mother into the matter without acknowledgement or accountability for the legit beefs that you have with your sister. Here too you identify the actual problem. You are happy to reconcile with sister once she sincerely apologizes for her bad behavior. It doesn't take a gift for that. A nice letter will do nicely. Thoughtfully mention that while chatting to mom. And invite her to stay out of the middle. It's not her job to fix it.

Toxic is toxic and you can't negotiate with toxic. I don't care who it is. Your sister has set this up to upset your mom and is stirring the pot. If your sister is so "torn up" she can apologize directly to you for her bad behavior.

But that isn't what she is doing.

I agree 100%

You should give your sister a gift to... a monopoly card : ''Go to Jail''

Your sister is using your mother.... focus on healing your mother heart... your mother is in pain over the dispute... focusing on doing something good for your mother while making clear your sister isn't playing fair.

If your sister cared... she would do something directly
Your mother might reply : ''but you blocked her''
You could reply: ''she still know where I live, she could leave a note to call her''

 

[playa99]

From the context you've given, I suspect she's trying to be disingenuous.

If she wants things to be sorted out, why not reach out to you directly with a present?

It's also clear that your issue with your sister runs deep.

I wouldn't thank her & make your Mom aware of your sisters game.

 

[Glassguy]

From the context you've given, I suspect she's trying to be disingenuous.

If she wants things to be sorted out, why not reach out to you directly with a present?

It's also clear that your issue with your sister runs deep.

I wouldn't thank her & make your Mom aware of your sisters game.

@logicallefty
If she wanted to talk that bad, she could have contacted you directly and apologized.

Instead, she throws you a crumb by manipulating your mother and expects you to jump all over it. That is not the way the world works within sane social and family circles. Once someone (especially family and very close friends) abandon you in a great time of need, it is something that doesnt go away. At least not until the person proves that they have changed, which takes time and effort.

Just thought:

My parents were married for 32 years. My mother is the most kind and positive person you would ever meet. My father is the ex marine who is stubborn, his way or the highway and on several occasions had other women behind my mother's back. She finally left him. Both my sister and I supported her decision. We tried to stay close with our father but that wasnt the case. He remarried to a very controlling woman who at first came across as a saint that later turned to a complete controlling b!tch.

Upon my sister and I finding out that they got married (on facebook) we went to their new house. His new wife was very controlling, tried to blame everything on us, and to our surprise our father sat there and not only let it happen, but jumped on board with her. In his exact words were "I had a son and an daughter and a grand daughter. But my new wife is my family now".

So we left. Neither of us have attempted to make contact with him and it has been over 2 years. He has not attempted to make contact with either of us.

You will have people in your life that you dont want to leave, but you cant make them stay either. They eliminate themselves through their selfish ways or through manipulation.

As in any relationship, you sacrificing your self respect will always come with a price that you arent willing to pay later on. This includes your situation with your sister as well as my father. If you were at fault then you need to man up and take the steps to create a structure to rebuild the relationship. However, you are not supposed to be a doormat for someone to consistently walk all over you, treat you poorly and then expect you to do the work to rebuild the relationship they walked out on. It was their choice and unless they are willing to do the hard work to righten the ship, you should stay away. Inviting negative people, regardless of your connection with them, back into your life is always a lose lose situation.

And if my father every makes the effort to be a part of our lives again, it will be done with the understanding from us that certain behaviors from him are immediate grounds for any and all future communication with him. The same with your sister. If she isnt initiating the restitution and willing to change her behavior, it will not last.

Sorry, but a $10 Christmas gift doesnt strike me as a dedicated attempt to patch things up. I am sure that your mother will agree.