Red Flags + Girlfriend

[JohnChops]

I started dating this girl, after spinning her as a plate for quite some time (since March) and things have been going pretty good. No fights, cooks for me, buys me things etc.

However, there have been a few instances that just spring up as red flags when they happen. First is we went to a wedding together (she was a bridesmaid), where he ex-boyfriend was. The dude came up to me, as he knows who I am , and we talk for a bit, had no idea who that was the whole time. He's the type of guy that tries to be the clown at every party, kind of a creepy type guy. Then afterwards she tells me that's my ex-bf and whatever.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, we skip out on a friends party and my girlfriend goes "Ugh my *exbf name* was going so I'm glad we did not go." I just changed the subject after as I dont wana talk about her ex-bf nor should she want to either.

There was one other instance, where we went out to an event and some dude texted her "Hey I saw your sister, are you here too?", to which she showed me the text, didn't reply, and put her phone away. This guy tracks her down, sees me with her, and turns the other way and walks away. I asked her whats going on here, and she said this guy texts her at least once a month trying to hook up. I laugh and say "Go ahead" and walk away. She grabs my arm and pulls me back and says she has never done anything with that dude, hes been trying for "a long time.: I asked her why she didn't tell him she had a boyfriend, she goes" He knows now" , only because he saw us. Obviously she did this because she wanted the attention while still being in a relationship.

So whats the deal here SS, dump or keep on a short leash? Haven't been in a relationship in a long time so this is new territory for me, usually I always just spun plates, so I don't know what is grounds for breaking up and what isn't. Would like to hear from the older crowd here too, @zekko especially.

 

[Young OG]

I started dating this girl, after spinning her as a plate for quite some time (since March) and things have been going pretty good. No fights, cooks for me, buys me things etc.

However, there have been a few instances that just spring up as red flags when they happen. First is we went to a wedding together (she was a bridesmaid), where he ex-boyfriend was. The dude came up to me, as he knows who I am , and we talk for a bit, had no idea who that was the whole time. He's the type of guy that tries to be the clown at every party, kind of a creepy type guy. Then afterwards she tells me that's my ex-bf and whatever.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, we skip out on a friends party and my girlfriend goes "Ugh my *exbf name* was going so I'm glad we did not go." I just changed the subject after as I dont wana talk about her ex-bf nor should she want to either.

There was one other instance, where we went out to an event and some dude texted her "Hey I saw your sister, are you here too?", to which she showed me the text, didn't reply, and put her phone away. This guy tracks her down, sees me with her, and turns the other way and walks away. I asked her whats going on here, and she said this guy texts her at least once a month trying to hook up. I laugh and say "Go ahead" and walk away. She grabs my arm and pulls me back and says she has never done anything with that dude, hes been trying for "a long time.: I asked her why she didn't tell him she had a boyfriend, she goes" He knows now" , only because he saw us. Obviously she did this because she wanted the attention while still being in a relationship.

So whats the deal here SS, dump or keep on a short leash? Haven't been in a relationship in a long time so this is new territory for me, usually I always just spun plates, so I don't know what is grounds for breaking up and what isn't. Would like to hear from the older crowd here too, @zekko especially.

I wouldn't be to worried about the ex. But, it's not good that she didn't tell that other guy she had a bf. She could have told that guy to stop texting her because she has a bf, but she didn't. She chose to keep him around as an orbitor. She could possibly have other orbitors that you don't know about. She still wants to have a back up plan, which means she's not 100% invested in the relationship.

I wouldn't dump her, but I would definiely keep her on a short leash. Just keep an eye on her and don't show her that other guys bother you. Remember, your the best and your the best option for her.

 

[JohnChops]

I wouldn't be to worried about the ex. But, it's not good that she didn't tell that other guy she had a bf. She could have told that guy to stop texting her because she has a bf, but she didn't. She chose to keep him around as an orbitor. She could possibly have other orbitors that you don't know about. She still wants to have a back up plan, which means she's not 100% invested in the relationship.

I wouldn't dump her, but I would definiely keep her on a short leash. Just keep an eye on her and don't show her that other guys bother you. Remember, your the best and your the best option for her.

Young OG , how you been brotha? I appreciate the advice. That is pretty much how I have been playing it thus far, and I think I will keep playing it like you said. Do you feel that her having a back up plan means that she knows I can walk away at any time, which is what I have shown her in the past.

 

[Von]

I started dating this girl, after spinning her as a plate for quite some time (since March) and things have been going pretty good. No fights, cooks for me, buys me things etc.

However, there have been a few instances that just spring up as red flags when they happen. First is we went to a wedding together (she was a bridesmaid), where he ex-boyfriend was. The dude came up to me, as he knows who I am , and we talk for a bit, had no idea who that was the whole time. He's the type of guy that tries to be the clown at every party, kind of a creepy type guy. Then afterwards she tells me that's my ex-bf and whatever.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, we skip out on a friends party and my girlfriend goes "Ugh my *exbf name* was going so I'm glad we did not go." I just changed the subject after as I dont wana talk about her ex-bf nor should she want to either.

There was one other instance, where we went out to an event and some dude texted her "Hey I saw your sister, are you here too?", to which she showed me the text, didn't reply, and put her phone away. This guy tracks her down, sees me with her, and turns the other way and walks away. I asked her whats going on here, and she said this guy texts her at least once a month trying to hook up. I laugh and say "Go ahead" and walk away. She grabs my arm and pulls me back and says she has never done anything with that dude, hes been trying for "a long time.: I asked her why she didn't tell him she had a boyfriend, she goes" He knows now" , only because he saw us. Obviously she did this because she wanted the attention while still being in a relationship.

So whats the deal here SS, dump or keep on a short leash? Haven't been in a relationship in a long time so this is new territory for me, usually I always just spun plates, so I don't know what is grounds for breaking up and what isn't. Would like to hear from the older crowd here too, @zekko especially.

I started dating this girl, after spinning her as a plate for quite some time (since March) and things have been going pretty good. No fights, cooks for me, buys me things etc.

However, there have been a few instances that just spring up as red flags when they happen. First is we went to a wedding together (she was a bridesmaid), where he ex-boyfriend was. The dude came up to me, as he knows who I am , and we talk for a bit, had no idea who that was the whole time. He's the type of guy that tries to be the clown at every party, kind of a creepy type guy. Then afterwards she tells me that's my ex-bf and whatever.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, we skip out on a friends party and my girlfriend goes "Ugh my *exbf name* was going so I'm glad we did not go." I just changed the subject after as I dont wana talk about her ex-bf nor should she want to either.

There was one other instance, where we went out to an event and some dude texted her "Hey I saw your sister, are you here too?", to which she showed me the text, didn't reply, and put her phone away. This guy tracks her down, sees me with her, and turns the other way and walks away. I asked her whats going on here, and she said this guy texts her at least once a month trying to hook up. I laugh and say "Go ahead" and walk away. She grabs my arm and pulls me back and says she has never done anything with that dude, hes been trying for "a long time.: I asked her why she didn't tell him she had a boyfriend, she goes" He knows now" , only because he saw us. Obviously she did this because she wanted the attention while still being in a relationship.

So whats the deal here SS, dump or keep on a short leash? Haven't been in a relationship in a long time so this is new territory for me, usually I always just spun plates, so I don't know what is grounds for breaking up and what isn't. Would like to hear from the older crowd here too, @zekko especially.

WTF you talking about lol.

Her ex-BF is the issue, not her lol

Don't turn out like her EX

 

[Young OG]

Young OG , how you been brotha? I appreciate the advice. That is pretty much how I have been playing it thus far, and I think I will keep playing it like you said. Do you feel that her having a back up plan means that she knows I can walk away at any time, which is what I have shown her in the past.

I'm doing great buddy. It might have something to do with you showing that you will walk at anytime, but it might not. It's honestly hard to say. Women do this all the time. Most of them keep orbitors around at first. After they get farther into the relationship, then they usually drop the orbitors. You have to remember that women are always looking for the next best thing. They are programmed by nature to do this. They can't help it. It sounds like you have been doing good so far. I would just keep it up and like I said, keep her on a short leash.

 

[BeExcellent]

Relax John. She has people who know her & her family who she has dated within her social sphere.

Rule 1 about social dynamics is never poop on people in your social sphere. You don't always know who they know or how influential they might be. You're always better off to avoid, ignore or politely decline. She has been doing that in a deferential way to you. Furthermore she's been (in her mind) transparent.

She flunked mind reading like the rest of us. She doesn't know you expect her to overtly say she has a boyfriend...she simply ignored that guy.

Keep in mind ANY communication/response can be percieved as an invitation to further interaction, so responding she has a boyfriend can actually invite further contact. Ignoring does not.

Attractive women are going to deal with male attention. That's the way it is. She appears to me to be handling it honorably and deferentially.

 

[lizardking82]

I feel your insecurities are creeping up on you. You're scared this girl might "turn out to be something you cannot allow her to be". Well, mate, let her be what she is. Better off, you have the chance to see how she handles these things.

Don't overthink such things as it goes down in a negative spiral and you're done then.

 

[btownbuck2012]

There was one other instance, where we went out to an event and some dude texted her "Hey I saw your sister, are you here too?", to which she showed me the text, didn't reply, and put her phone away. This guy tracks her down, sees me with her, and turns the other way and walks away. I asked her whats going on here, and she said this guy texts her at least once a month trying to hook up. I laugh and say "Go ahead" and walk away. She grabs my arm and pulls me back and says she has never done anything with that dude, hes been trying for "a long time.: I asked her why she didn't tell him she had a boyfriend, she goes" He knows now" , only because he saw us. Obviously she did this because she wanted the attention while still being in a relationship.

Pains me to say this, but this is almost word for word how I've found out a girl I thought I was 'exclusive' with was entertaining other options. That getting a text, not responding to it and then assuring you it's not a big deal is textbook cheating crap. Drop her. Sorry.

 

[btownbuck2012]

She appears to me to be handling it honorably and deferentially.

Totally disagree here. "He tries to hook up with me once a month"

She has a boyfriend now, i.e. @JohnChops
How is keeping this guy's number in her phone handling his interest in her "honorably and deferentially". Total lack of respect on her part for OP. There's no other way to explain this specific situation than a woman who needs to be dumped.

One of the BIGGEST red flags I can think of is someone who blatantly dangles stuff like this in your face and then denies anything is wrong. It is literally crazymaking, insane type of behavior. Typical though of most younger 20 something women and a-lot of guys too.

 

[Reykhel]

@JohnChops

There's no real issue at play here, unless you make it an issue.

Sometimes we make a bigger issue out of this "orbitor issue" than there actually is. Sometimes they don't get around to going through all of their Facebook contacts or whatever and deciding who needs to be deleted.

I would say don't imagine "disrespect" when there is none.

Enjoy your time, live in the moment with her. Drop expectations. In fact, expect her to eventually "let you down". If it happens, well what can you expect from these girls.....if it doesn't...well what a nice surprise.

Chill, enjoy. Let these issues malt away they are not important to a man, Johnny Chops

 

[QuadDeuces]

Wait, she is talking to other dudes and you go into full panic mode?
If she talks to other dudes, you talk to other girls.
You are the Conor McGregor of your own life man, you don't give a fooook.

 

[btownbuck2012]

If she talks to other dudes, you talk to other girls.

This is like putting a bandaid on a dislocated shoulder imo

 

[ubercat]

I don't think OP was particularly worried. He knows the game. Just something to take note of. Six months in I d expect her to be detaching the orbiters. As the others said pay a bit more attention to other women. A bit don't overreact and freeze her out.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

I would ask her. I often wonder this myself. Like it’s very awkward to talk about a guy you USED TO have a sexual relationship with, with a guy you CURRENTLY have a sexual relationship with. I guess I understand that (at least in the context of JohnChop’s case) that it’s to inadvertently say that she isn’t attracted to him anymore and whatnot, but it’s still kinda weird. I never really knew how to respond to that kind of stuff.