When She Starts Getting Fat

[va2000]

There is a lot of discussion about this, but there are seeming contradictions in a lot of opinions that I don't see addressed anywhere.

It is often said, women cannot change themselves; they are passive, meant to be acted upon. Makes sense. They are born to follow men...

It is also said, the only way to get a woman to do something is to make her think it's her own idea... or you can't use overt communication, you have to speak her language (i.e. emotion) and use dread game to inspire her to get herself skinny to keep you interested...

It's not that these conflict head-on, but when considering how to incentivize, it forces a choice. You can't make the most of one without dropping the other. For example, telling her that getting fat is a deal-breaker might get her to act, but it is overt communication, which is also giving attention and weakening any dread that you might be building.

Maybe I'm just rambling, but I feel like it's cloudy still. Any thoughts?

 

[lizardking82]

If she was fit when we started the thing and now she's getting fatter, I would try and get her to talk about what's worrying her, cause something is, that's for sure. If she refuses that and refuses to work to get fit again, she's gone.

And you know why? Because if you as a man were good financially when it started but 2 years later have financial problems, she would do the same thing. She would stick around for a short while, try to get you to get better and if you didn't, she would leave LOL

 

[va2000]

She was just hitting the wall and had an extra 15 when we met (not a high SMV to be honest). She has gone to the gym and dropped 5 or 10 pounds here and there over the past few years, even did a 30 days without drinking on her own (I'm overseas about 3/4 of the year), but is just not able to keep it up consistently. She clearly wants to "please Daddy" and wants to "be better" but obviously doesn't have any sense of desperation yet. I was bluepill when I saw her in person last... so I'm working on my own frame mostly, but it's going to be rough at first for both of us.

 

[wifehunter]

"Put the fork down, woman!"

 

[AJ84]

There is a lot of discussion about this, but there are seeming contradictions in a lot of opinions that I don't see addressed anywhere.

It is often said, women cannot change themselves; they are passive, meant to be acted upon. Makes sense. They are born to follow men...

It is also said, the only way to get a woman to do something is to make her think it's her own idea... or you can't use overt communication, you have to speak her language (i.e. emotion) and use dread game to inspire her to get herself skinny to keep you interested...

It's not that these conflict head-on, but when considering how to incentivize, it forces a choice. You can't make the most of one without dropping the other. For example, telling her that getting fat is a deal-breaker might get her to act, but it is overt communication, which is also giving attention and weakening any dread that you might be building.

Maybe I'm just rambling, but I feel like it's cloudy still. Any thoughts?

I replied to your post in mature man before seeing this one.
From what you have posted, she seems to have some emotional issues (you mentioned PTSD) and I wonder if she really is a good candidate for the kind of relationship you want.
The kind of game you're running has the potential to do psychological damage to someone who is already struggling psychologically. You mention creating feelings of desperation and dread in her. Someone who you said has PTSD. Do you get where I'm going with this?

Many people who get depressed over eat and lose interest in things. A true sub would not react that way.

In the mature man post you said she told you that your behaviour gives her a " continuous icky feeling", that's she feels like she is not being listened to or taken seriously.
Why don't you just stop your game strategy for a bit and find out what's going on with your girlfriend, who is an actual human being with feelings, and then figure out if she is truly suited for kind of relationship you want or if you should part ways and find someone who is.

 

[lizardking82]

I second @AJ84 in this one. Sit down and talk with her, something is not right there, no person gains weight without reason at all. She is either depressed or stressed out greatly about something. If she's your girlfriend, this is the minimum you should do. Go talk to her, report back what was talked and how you feel about it.

 

[TheGambino]

This thread made me lol

 

[lizardking82]

Damm lizard you go jump in a bucket of wisdom or somthin lately? Lmao

LOL no, man, just the usual common sense and simple logic paired with personal experience.

 

[Thorninmyside]

I dealt with this one a lot more covertly. I hit the gym myself instead and dropped 5% more body fat and leaving her at home to comfort eat or whatever. When I started getting more compliments she suddenly wanted to be my gym partner.

She's not gonna do it for you. She's going to do it for fear of losing you. She's gotta think it's her idea.

 

[ubercat]

Another variation is start bringing healthy food into the home and conversation. Recipes and places to eat is a female friendly talk topic. I bought my girlfriend a cheap and very girlish looking push bike. Took her with me and let her pick out the colour so she had some ownership. I also take her along the badminton which is chick friendly. But keep them as separate talks ask her if anything is wrong and don't bring up the weight.

And then suggest you do some Fitness things together. But don't frame it as Fitness just say hey babe I'd love to ride down and go and check out the local market blah blah. We should do that this Sunday.

If she doesn't respond to that go with thorn's suggestion. Basically you want to get across the idea that you'll help her on the journey but there's no free ride.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Telling a woman she is gaining weight is the best example of "thin ice" I can think of. If you make her feel undesirable, it is a lot easier for her to just go have sex with a different guy than it is to go to the gym to please you.

 

[Sneaky Pete]

If you make her feel undesirable, it is a lot easier for her to just go have sex with a different guy than it is to go to the gym to please you.

I believe this to be true.

 

[ubercat]

Exactly which is why I suggested the more supportive approach. And for the win try and combine it with social if you make the sacrifice and go off to a bloody Zumba class with her she'll enjoy yappping with all the chicks. Or you could take her to a brunch at a Meetup group but cycle there you get the idea. Even better if you're hanging out socially with some slightly younger and fitter chicks together and you get a bit of attention.

 

[ubercat]

I'm not sure it's babysitting. I'm a reasonably sporty guy I get that up front from the get go. Therefore prevention is built-in. If she's not on board with that we don't get far.

 

[va2000]

I wanted to alter the title but this stupid system locks your words in after 60 minutes or something... as I said later, she isn't losing control, she definitely wants to change, she is just not aware of quite how much work it takes now that she's 35. She isn't worse than when I met, she's just very slow to undo the damage after we go on vacations.

Becoming redpill showed me that my habit of working overseas, improving my own body and staying sober for months at a time, then traveling and hanging out with her for netflix and ice cream for a few weeks in between has only demonstrated my worst side. I have found a diet habit that is incredibly easy to perpetuate, so my plan is now to implement it the next time we travel and also to be deliberate about hiking, sports, etc. rather than just "what do you want to watch" every single hungover morning... we have spent years basically working apart and spending 3-4 "honeymoons" together, but the next one will be the first redpill one. I'm working out as many kinks as I can (not a b d s m reference that time), because in person it's going to be a firehose of ****/comfort/frame tests, and I need all the awareness I can get.

I agree completely with the wisdom of watching for the thin ice, being covert, etc. I am just curious how the overt aspect plays into being an alpha/leader unafraid to speak his mind, in the certain times when information needs to be conveyed without ambiguity. For example, getting fat is definitely an EFA issue for me. I was fit when we met, and she was working out and so on, but I have let things slip as far as what's acceptable "slowness".

So besides leading by example, what's the best way to gently remind her of the disparity between her comfort level and what is required for LTR retention? She doesn't need an ultimatum; she is nowhere close to a condition I would drop her over. What's the "soft next" equivalent for unhealthy or self sabotaging behavior? Is there something like that? I am trying to wrap my head around going radio silent as a consequence for a night out drinking or something she knows is a failure of mission...

 

[va2000]

How do you define fit?

Apparently having a body like Kim K is considered fit by most girls that have a similar type body.

Lol... she hates Kim. I idealize Greek statues (or at least early Roman) and she idealizes chicks like Lara Croft and the girl from Terminator.

Anyway, I have been thinking about a concise way to address this...

No one controls you, you don't have rules to follow or commands to execute. I tell you what's good for you (she knows I am extremely versed in fitness/nutrition) and you choose how much of it to put into practice. If you know something I advise is wrong feel free to pass it by without comment. If you feel controlled it's only because you chose not to do something you already knew was good for you.

This is basically my personal brain-spew... is any of it useful to communicate to her? (and is it correct thinking to begin with...)