Girl dumped me on second date for escalating too fast. What to do?

[dungonnon]

I was getting on great with my date on the second date in my house after we had some pizza that I made. We were snogging and talking and having fun. I could tell she really liked me and she's a great girl, really into her. But I asked her into the bedroom (twice) and she called me cheeky, that we'd only kissed for the first time that night, and even though we parted on seemingly good terms, after more good natured chatting, her running her hand through my hair, kissing, hugging etc, she went cold on me after that, it went quiet on whatsapp, and I sensed something wasn't right.

Then I sent her a message saying I was sorry if I was anything other than a gentleman, and she replied saying that we seemed to be on different frequencies, and that she wasn't expecting "to be asked about the bedroom twice", and that she'd "leave it at that".. I texted back to apologise straight away, but no response. I was so pissed off, even depressed for a couple of weeks after. I was thinking along the accepted rationale that escalating quickly was a good thing. It ****ed this up though.

That's four weeks ago now. I'm thinking of texting her again, but am not sure what to say. I think she could have forgiven me by now, but I'm scared to text her. Relationship problems hurt me a lot, I've a history of depression. I think I may have made her feel degraded or slutty, which angered her when she had a day or two to think about it.

She's has a great personality, if shy, and she's beautiful though I could tell she's low self-esteem. She disagreed with me when I told her she was beautiful and sexy. She was pretty adamant too.

There aren't that many eligible women around here where I live, I don't get to meet many to be honest. It's rural and most girls leave to live in a city.

Ok my behaviour was out of line, but part of me thinks that she may have wanted to sabotage it because having me, who was affectionate and who was very positive towards her, could have gone against her poor self-image. So she was using that as a way to end it? I don't know.

I guess that she may be receptive to me if I were to text her. It's been 4 weeks now. There were many more positives between us than negatives.

It was a win for me generally speaking though I must say. I asked a girl on a date, treated her well and kissed her. That's more than I've done in years. I've suffered from depression since a breakup at 20 and I'm coming out of that, my life is going better than it has for a long, long time.

Any advice appreciated.

 

[dustmuffin]

I couldn't read all of that. Read the dj bible. You have no game. Read the book of pook too.

 

[derby1]

if you message this woman again you are confirming to her you are weak and desperate, you have already apologised you now WALK AWAY there is no stronger position than walking away, she is dead in the water only she can rescucitate herself, you keep your self respect this way she may reach out to you in a months time she might not....WALKING AWAY means you dont text her to say hows ya dog happy birthday, liking any social media ****....
you vanish like a ninja

 

[TheGambino]

if you message this woman again you are confirming to her you are weak and desperate, you have already apologised you now WALK AWAY there is no stronger position than walking away, she is dead in the water only she can rescucitate herself, you keep your self respect this way she may reach out to you in a months time she might not....WALKING AWAY means you dont text her to say hows ya dog happy birthday, liking any social media ****....
you vanish like a ninja

I strongly agree. Desperation kills attraction. Even Chris brown a f8cking star with All his smv got stood up due desperation and obsession.

 

[derby1]

i apologised constantly to my ex for my verbally abusive drunk behaviour, she was having none of it.........I then ceased all communication slammed my car in reverse and floored it backwards so to speak.......IT BLEW HER MIND and within 3 weeks she was all over me, however you are not doing it to get her back you are doing it because you have self respect

 

[Thorninmyside]

Never apologise for escalating. Never. You were born because your dad escalated. You validated her hesitation or frigidity and strengthened her position. If you were feeling too much "no", you take a step back without mentioning it, do a fun date, then go back to moving forward. Never be all cut up because you got a no. It's part of the process. That's how a salesman makes sales, and how a man gets lays.

You could try a hail mary with this one but I'm guessing she hasn't been waiting for you to reinitiate.

 

[TheGambino]

A woman cant turn a man down for escalating. That’s straight up stupid, she turns a man down for escalating because she is not attracted to him. She wouldnt turn Thegambino down because she gets tingles from the boy.

Understand?

 

[dungonnon]

Ok so it made her uncomfortable, fair enough, I should have taken a hint the first time. Take the hint. We were getting on pretty good. She wasn't going to go to bed with me that night, fair enough, I was willing to wait. Anyway, I went into a self-blame and self-shame hole for a few weeks, always have when it comes to relationships. That's the one thing I want to learn from this, to stop with the self-blame. I don't think I was abusive towards her, I didn't force the issue. Anyway.
Thanks.
Any more advice I'd appreciate it.

 

[dungonnon]

A woman cant turn a man down for escalating. That’s straight up stupid, she turns a man down for escalating because she is not attracted to him. She wouldnt turn Thegambino down because she gets tingles from the boy.

Understand?

She was into me though, I could tell. After the first date she was asking if we could hang out again. Second date, we were making out, I was down her pants, bra off, on the sofa. But she mentioned being asked into the bedroom twice as the thing that was a deal-breaker.

 

[marmel75]

Sorry misread initially...

It seems like she either wasnt really into you sexually or you likely weren't confident enough when you did it. Or she wasn't turned on enough by you...

You needed to get her more hot and bothered first and then tried...seems like you went straight for the kill instead of getting her wet...

Nothing to apologize for, you went for it and didnt get it...adjust your approach next time.

 

[sazc]

She realized there was no going back, that you were going to expect at least the same sexual game on date 3, if not more, and she didn't want to go there, and didn't want to lead you on, and have you possibly call her a tease.

She was already ashamed at how far she had let you go, she felt cheap, embarrassed, and maybe believed you thought she was easy, so she nipped it rager then try to slow it down.

 

[lizardking82]

Never apologise for escalating. She took her bra off, you got sexual and as the man, you were trying to lead her to wrap it up.

The other thing is, you don't ask her to the bedroom, you take her hand and lead her to the bedroom or you go on right where you are and finish in the bedroom later on.

 

[TheGambino]

Never apologise for escalating. She took her bra off, you got sexual and as the man, you were trying to lead her to wrap it up.

The other thing is, you don't ask her to the bedroom, you take her hand and lead her to the bedroom or you go on right where you are and finish in the bedroom later on.

Yeah, dont ask. Command ! Or take her hand and lead.

 

[RangerMIke]

Don't beat yourself up... she didn't like you. Nothing you can do about that. You likely came off as a little desperate. If she liked you she would not have had a problem with your escalating.

 

[AJ84]

She realized there was no going back, that you were going to expect at least the same sexual game on date 3, if not more, and she didn't want to go there, and didn't want to lead you on, and have you possibly call her a tease.

She was already ashamed at how far she had let you go, she felt cheap, embarrassed, and maybe believed you thought she was easy, so she nipped it rager then try to slow it down.

Yep. Believe or not some girls get turned off when they feel pressure to have sex with a guy on the second date. Making a girl feel desired is a turn on and pushing for sex too fast does not make necessarily make girl feel desired, she just feels like a means to a happy ending, for the guy, and nothing more.

Some girls are ok with that of course but many aren't.

 

[icantgetlaid]

Girls dont ghost you for escalating; they ghost you when they are simply not attracted/interested in you.

Regardless of what they say; their actions are the only thing you should pay attention to. And her actions are CRYSTAL CLEAR that she doesn't want to be alone with you/be intimate with you.

Next. Approach other girls.

 

[TheGambino]

Girls dont ghost you for escalating; they ghost you when they are simply not attracted/interested in you.

Regardless of what they say; their actions are the only thing you should pay attention to. And her actions are CRYSTAL CLEAR that she doesn't want to be alone with you/be intimate with you.

Next. Approach other girls.

This.

 

[BeExcellent]

Sometimes some of y'all really do not get how important a woman's reputation is to her. Are there girls that throw caution to the wind if they are all hot and bothered? Yes and those are your first night/first date or second date lays.

But lots of women DO value their reputation and won't allow themselves to be pushed into a sexual situation EVEN IF and sometimes ESPECIALLY IF they really like the guy and care what he thinks and how his opinion affects her reputation. This shouldn't surprise anybody.

It takes two people to tango. It's not all on the guy the just escalate, escalate, escalate. The message that gives the woman is that the sex act itself is more important than the woman and her comfort level. This can be extremely off-putting. I'll toss a guy for over escalation and pushiness (and I date sexually aggressive men). The balance is in the man escalating but then if it's a hard "no", "not yet", "not tonight" or whatever...the woman is watching (consciously or sub consciously) to see if the man respects her enough to respect that boundary.

Smart women wait to see if the man has an actual interest in HER, rather than just her pants. And women never want to be the subject of the guy's night out tall tales. Yikes.

 

[lizardking82]

Sometimes some of y'all really do not get how important a woman's reputation is to her. Are there girls that throw caution to the wind if they are all hot and bothered? Yes and those are your first night/first date or second date lays.

But lots of women DO value their reputation and won't allow themselves to be pushed into a sexual situation EVEN IF and sometimes ESPECIALLY IF they really like the guy and care what he thinks and how his opinion affects her reputation. This shouldn't surprise anybody.

It takes two people to tango. It's not all on the guy the just escalate, escalate, escalate. The message that gives the woman is that the sex act itself is more important than the woman and her comfort level. This can be extremely off-putting. I'll toss a guy for over escalation and pushiness (and I date sexually aggressive men). The balance is in the man escalating but then if it's a hard "no", "not yet", "not tonight" or whatever...the woman is watching (consciously or sub consciously) to see if the man respects her enough to respect that boundary.

Smart women wait to see if the man has an actual interest in HER, rather than just her pants. And women never want to be the subject of the guy's night out tall tales. Yikes.

I agree on some things, but "overescalation" is a very personalized term. If she did not want to have sex, why go to the guy's house? If a woman goes to a guy's house, in 95% of the cases, sex will happen. Why would you, as a woman of high value, go to some dude's house if you don't feel comfortable enough to have sex? And how come she feels comfortable enough to get 70% sexual with him, taking bra off, but doesn't wanna have sex?

 

[icantgetlaid]

Escalating is the only way to cut through the covert language women speak and expose their real interest level. By escalating, he learned quickly that she wasn't interested. Now it frees up his time to approach and invest in other women who will be more receptive to his advances.

Also, there's a major difference between a girl simply not being ready yet for sex and a girl not being ready yet for sex and then ghosting him. In this case, it was the latter, which is crystal clear low interest. If she had any inherent interest in him, she would be receptive to future dates/contact irrespective of his initial failed advances.